I Am So Gonna Flunk My Exams... (And This Is Why!)

Yesterday was funny. Dave, mum and I went for a movie. Yes, yes. Another one. YES, I know my exams are like, next week. Hey, I know I'm screwed, so I've given up. I'll use the remaining year or so to buck up and redeem myself. Muahaha.

Anyway, yeah. Cinema. We decided to go for a movie, at like 5 in the evening (thank David for that). And well, we didn't have all that many options. So when we got to the cinema, we opted for the 7.15 show of "Four Brothers". Like, randomly.

So, selamba-ly, we bought our stuff and went to the cinema.. Which was empty. And just happened to remain empty for the entire duration of the movie!

WOOOOOOHOOOOO!

The whole bloody theatre to ourselves, man! How do you beat THAT! David was singing "Hard Day's Night" at the top of his lungs, and when they screened the trailer for April Snow, I screamed "Bae Yong Jun!!!" at the top of my lungs and hey! No one to shut you up, y'know what I'm sayin'? HAHA!

Seriously, man, it was SO cool to just be able to lepak, laugh as loud and as long as you want, leave pop corn on the seat next to you coz you're tired of carrying it, putting your legs up... Yeehaw! Best la, I tell you!

Only thing though. Lack of people = SUPER FREEZING HYPOTHERMIA-INDUCING COLD!

Hm. That was my only complaint, but heck. Can't have everything, right? HAHA. The movie wasn't worth the 27 bucks, but who cares? The experience was danged fun and I wouldn't trade it in for a better movie in a packed theatre.

Hahahehehihihohohuhu.

And I'm outta here! (Time to attempt to study in an effort not to get a big fat 0 in the exam :P)

=untitled=

Haha. Haha. Haha. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at what my darling cousin and her boyfriend tried to pull yesterday. Seriously... Okay. So I think laughing would be the better choice. HAHAHAHAHA.

Let's just say it still turned out pretty fun, even though ol' Ted was blatantly trying to turn it into a date. We were out for... 7 1/2 hours! Gosh, wonder what we did for so long. And I discovered that I still suck at pool. Nothing's changed since 2002. Whoopee. Nice to know that some things never do *insert sarcastic laugh*

Exams start on Monday. Yeehaw. Dontcha just LOVE the feeling of being totally unprepared? Without a doubt, my maths is screwed. I'll probably just scrape through my Bio, and I'll be jumping for joy if I get over 60 for Chem. So yep. All in all, I've resigned myself to doing badly this time. And if I do, it'll be a much needed kick in the butt for me. As in "BUCK UP YOU FOOL!"

Sigh. To be totally honest, I can't concentrate on my studies. Why? Coz I feel like a bloody yoyo. One second he has me on Cloud Nine, the next he's knocking my feet out from under me and I go crashing back to earth. Blah. It's the same ol' thing again and again... I don't know what he wants. Just friendship? Fine! Tell me so. NOW. And be over and done with it. Y'know? I hate mixed signals. All they do is screw with your mind and it's NOT FUN.

Oh well. This week hasn't been a complete waste, at least. Made a new.. well, acquaintance. Which is a good thing, eh?

Because of You

Chorus of a song by Kelly Clarkson.. I know I'm taking it out of context, but it's appropriate for someone whom, long ago, made me the scardey cat that I am today. Wheeha. Hurray for traumatic experiences. Gah.

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Stuffies

First off, I have one VERY important thing to say:

NO MORE JAPANESE FOOD TIL I CLEAR ALL THAT DAMNED FISH FROM MY SYSTEM!

Thanks to my brilliat cousins, the sight of Jap food now makes me want to run away and jump into the nearest monsoon drain. Eeeeek! Remind me not to go to a Japanese food buffet with those kiddos again! Although... they DID eat their money's worth. More than their money's worth, I think. *shudders* All that fish....

One thing confuses me: Have we gotten the purpose of dating all wrong? I mean, dating's supposed to be a way for 2 people who are attracted to each other to get to know each other better, no? Well, initially, anyway. Thing is, everyone seems to have this concept that you actually have to be a couple to date. Hm...

Coz the way I see it is, it's IMPOSSIBLE to get to know anyone properly without dates. Mainly coz friends have this tendency to watch slyly out of the corners of their eyes. And make snide remarks. No offence to friends [I do it too, guilty guilty.. :P] heehee. But seriously. Dating was invented for a reason. Better to date before starting a relationship, right? Then can date more people. HAHA. Oops. Just kidding. Sort of.

Okay. I don't know what I'm saying. *knocks self on head*

EXAMS IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS. Eeps. I'm sososo dead. Deadness of choice? MATHS!!!!!
Like, are you SURPRISED? Hah. Thought not.

I miss Jujulili at times like these. Exams and stuff were much less stressful with her around. Don't ask me why. JUWEEEEE! *sniffles*

Whaaat am I going to dooooo??? Oh help. People ask me Bio questions. I try to answer them. I hope I answer correctly, coz if I'm wrong, I'm just screwing a whole lot of people over! Oh no. SORRY GUYS! I hope I'm right. I really really do.

Oh well. Blabbering's up.

Oh btw, I'm going to be an MC for a teacher's retirement in my school next Tuesday. Eeps. Me. MC. Cue to laugh now, folks. Oh well. Gotta try sometime. Wish me luck!

Quizzie!

GUYS! Quiz time! If you've read my blog before, this should be NO problem at all :) So take it, aight? Especially you, Insanely Saners!!! :D

QUIZ ONE (easy)
I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

QUIZ TWO (hard)
I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!
(Just realized that the other one was WAAAAY too simple. Heehee. Try this one out too! :P)

Ah.. Ideals!

I just had to post this off the Friendster bulletin board! I mean, there you have it! In a nutshell.. the almost perfect guy! :D Read and give me feedback, modifications, disagreements.. whatever. But to me, this is EXACTLY the kind of guy I want :P

I am the guy that will come home from work and ask how your day was
I am the guy that will help with the dishes after eating dinner
I am the guy that will stay up late and watch movies with you
I am the guy that will get up with the kids so you can sleep in
I am the guy that will hold you to feel your heart beat with mine
I am the guy that will tell bad jokes just to hear you laugh
I am the guy that will always be by your side no matter what
I am the guy that will do the little things that matter to you
I am the guy that will push you to your limits
I am the guy that will hold your hair out of your face when you are sick
I am the guy that will kill the spiders before they crawl on you
I am the guy that will call you from work just to hear your voice
I am the guy that will be there every night when you go to bed and there every morning when you wake up
I am the guy that will kiss you in the morning before leaving to work
I am the guy that will show you how much I love you
I am the guy that wants to be loved as much as I love

Can't think of a title... Blah.

Whoopsie. It's been ages since I've blogged for real. I've got so much to write about, I'm kinda contemplating not writing about it at all! Save me some brain power. Although.. the stuff I write usually doesn't require any. Haha. Double kick for the same old self slamming. I need to cut it out. Like, totally.

[Hey, has anyone ever noticed how easy it is to talk like a bimbo??? Just a random thought.. that probably just made me look pretty damned foolish. Haha!]

My cousins were down over the weekend plus a few days. One from Australia, the other from Singapore. 24 and 17 respectively. Don't think I've had so much fun in a LOOONNNGG time. Although staying up til 2 and getting up at 5.45 completely screwed up my immune system (in other words, I'm a sick duck right now). Goshes. I miss 'em already!!! Darn.

I do have some updates, but they're for Insanely Sane eyes only, so girls. You know where to go! (Jono.. you know this stuff already, so yeah *grins*)

Okay, since I've been tagged by Jenna (and she conveniently took the "physical" out of the question), I'll answer this one. Since I apparently have nothing to say. At this present moment in time.

**************

Seven traits I look for in the opposite sex:

1. Knows his own mind. Will not expect me to lead him by the nose, tell him what to do all the time. That's bloody BORING! He's gotta be his own man, able to function without me around 24/7. Independence is key, folks!

2. Chivalry. Hold doors open, pull out chairs, help you across the drain... Hell, feminism is in but being treated like a lady ain't no crime! Oh yeah. And waiting for a girl to finish her meal before darting off is also a good idea. Just a note. In case some people have no clue.

3. Sense of humour. He's gotta be able to laugh at himself... And ESPECIALLY take the sarcastic remarks that I'll be inclined to throw at him. Coz it's like a reflex with me, sarcasm is. Oh, but first he's actually got to UNDERSTAND that I'm being sarcastic. I've met more than my fair share of duh-brains in my short lifetime. It's NOT funny.

4. Gotta be smarter than me. I don't like explaining things too much. Translating, sure. NOT explaining. Especially when something's so blatantly "in your face" that a blind man could see it.

5. Takes the initiative. I am a staunch believer in the "THE GUY ALWAYS MAKES THE FIRST MOVE" mantra. Yeah yeah. I'm old fashioned. So sue me.

6. Can make me feel secure. Kind of like a protector. Where I know that he'll always stick up for me. That I can hide in his arms and feel like everything's gonna be all right... Bah. I'm a sentimental humbugish blagger. Whatever that is. But I mean it! Sentimental humbugishness and all!

7. How he treats the people around him. Mustn't put others down to make himself look cool. Always willing to the extra mile for a friend. Is the kind who doesn't let a relationship get in the way of friendship... Basically understands the importance of it. Coz no way in hell am I EVER giving up time with my friends or cousins just for one guy. So there! [Haha.. couldn't resist that :P]

**************

Aight! That's 7. I'll probably think of more as I go along... so I'd better stop. Just count your lucky stars that I haven't gone into the specifics! Hooo boy. Now THAT would be long winded.

Okay. Will go now. I need to start thinking more in terms of personal rather than Q&As. This blog is getting DULL, folks! I need to rejuvenate.

Ta babes.

Some Random Picsies Of The People I Love Most..

1. Insanely Sane's Borders expedition. Ju Li's taking the shot, so she ain't in the pic. Dang it. Those gelatos were pretty good, though!

2. Insanely Sane at Ju's farewell gathering. That shot's in front of my house in PJ. I know it's a little blur, so from l - r: Ee May, Ju Li, ME, Davina and Xin Yi! [Missing: Jenna. Hmph.]

3. Me and my girly cuzzies! Ting, Sheryll, Su and me.. Missing are Yin and Vinder. One coz she was too busy barbecuing.. the other coz she's busy chasing random Swiss blokes :)

4. My baby brother and me. He's much bigger than me, but he still insists on sitting on my lap. Sheesh! It's a miracle I could walk after that! [I love the dude though, so... aih.]

Seven - Ze Perfect Number!

I wanted to blog today, but I can't think straight coz there's cartoons and kids blaring in the background, so I thought I'd do this. Since Ee May tagged me and all.. Haha. And yeah, girl! What's with the Js and Ms???

Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. Travel 'round Europe
2. Have a huge family reunion, for both the Fernandezes and Lims.
3. Learn how to salsa :)
4. Find THE guy
5. Play in the rain with THE guy
6. Go on a cruise with the gang
7. Go for a two week long holiday (at least!) with Insanely Sane

Seven things I could do:
1. Sing Nursery Rhymes during Biology and earn incredulous looks from my tablemates.
2. Use my lab chair as a prop for "Row Row Row Your Boat"
3. Have three hours sleep for 5 nights running and wonder why I don't feel so hot.
4. Read the same page of Bio for one hour straight and not have a clue what it's about.
5. Watch Power Puff Girls and find it funny.
6. Watch 6 - 8 straight hours of TV every alternate day. Muahaha.
7. COOK! Maggi Mee, that is. Heehee.

Seven Celebrity Crushes:
1. GERARD BUTLER! (He's so hot!!!!! *swoons*)
2. Jonathan Togo (Ryan Wolfe on CSI Miami)
3. Jesse McCartney (Hey, me too, May! Best looking 18 year old, hey? :P)
4. Josh Lucas (Er.. May? I think we have a problem with the Js here... LOL!)
5. James Marsters (Spike on Buffy... strange, I know, but I find him sexy as hell!)
6. Josh Duhamel (Aiks. 5 Js and counting.. not good.)
7. Adam Garcia

Seven often repeated words:
1. I'm sleepy..
2. Huh?
3. What'd you say??
4. HUH?
5. Ya... right.
6. Yay!
7. Like,...

Seven physical traits I look for in the opposite sex:
1. Eyes
2. Smile
3. Bod ;)
4. Height
5. Lips
6. Smile
7. EYES!

Seven people to tag:
1. Ju Li
2. Jenna
3. Yee Feng
4. Yuen Li (I know you're a bit old for this, but heck. Gonna tag you anyway :P)
5. Jono
6. Steph
7. Sharm-o

And I am done! Hoo boy. Wasn't easy. Kids can be danged noisy when they have a mind to. Eeks! Toodles all! Gonna go find something to stuff in my ears. Phew!

Note: R.i.P Michael - 4th October 2003 (I can't believe I still miss him! I'm so weird....)

I'm BACK! (Or rather.. the computer is..:P)

Hi all... I know I've been missing for ages. Sorry la.. Blame the monitor and the bloody hard drive. It's all their fault, I tell ya! And y'know.. If I hadn't saved my Aussie and Insanely Sane pics online, they all would've been wiped out! Augh! THANK GOD!

Anyway, I can't write long today... Don't have much time to spare, so I can't exactly update y'all on anything. Not like there's much to update on anyway.

On the studies front - well.. let's just say I'm being the same ol' Elaine and screwing up my Maths all the bloody time. Weeha. Prasad'll be SO proud of me. "*hears loooooong lecture on how one mustn't be lazy and use one's brains, OKAY?*

The whole nutty guy situation? Still unresolved. But I've resolved not to care anymore. If he decides that he does indeed like me, all well and good. Otherwise, hey. I'm not exactly the most hard up person in the world. *launches into feministic tirade in head* Who needs men anyway? Eh?

Okay. Shall stop here. No time. Sigh. Such a long absences requires me to devote some time to clearing up my hopelessly backlogged inboxes. Yikes.

Insanely INsane Am I!

Okay, this post is only coz I'm feeling guilty for neglecting this poor page. I don't really have anything to say at this point.. Nothing specific anyway. So I'll just type and see what my fingers produce. Rest assured, I am SO not thinking as I'm writing this. At least not consciously.

Or wait. Do I ever think in the first place? Coz I don't quite seem to, sometimes. I mean, I have a real knack of getting myself into the most awkward of positions! Mainly coz I absolutely refuse to use the tiny bit of grey matter that hasn't yet evaporated from the poor, under-used thing I call my "brain". [Yes Ju, unlike yours, I still have a LITTLE left intact *grins wickedly*]

Oh yes. We have just found out why they call the whole love-thingy (or is it lust?? :P), Chemistry. Things like attraction between different charges, and stuff, how one atom has an affinity towards another because of certain conditions, and is repulsed by others...

And this thing called polarising power and polarisibility. Which is, the ability of an atom to form bonds, and the ability to allow those bonds to be formed, respectively. At least, that's the general idea. Anyway, it's amazing how very like humans these atom thingamajigs are. An atom with high polarising power isn't necessarily able to form bonds, not unless the other atom's polarisibility is high enough for it to. And in regular relationships... Aren't we all like that?

How cool is chemistry, man! Haha! And you know something? I think my teachers have romance on the brain. Just the other day our Bio teacher was describing irreversible andreversible inhibitors (in enzyme activity) and she asks a what sort of bond the reversible inhibitor forms with the enzyme, and all of a sudden she goes, "Engagement bond!"

And we're all like, HUH?

Apparently, the bond isn't called an engagement bond. D'oh. She just meant that the reversible inhibitor's bond is like an engagement - it can be broken. But the irreversible inhibitor's bond cannot be broken, therefore it is like a marriage. Coz, y'know, enzymes don't have solicitors and stuff. No courts, so divorce isn't an option for them. Teehee.

And we also found out that 3/4 of the guys in my class are really old-fashioned blokes. Teacher asked them whether any of them wanted a wife who worked, and there was this resounding "NO!" that basically, made me and my friend burst out laughing - in shock. As in shocked laughter. Y'know? Man! Apa la ni... All fellas want housewifes ah? Habislah aku! I shall die a spinster in the throes of feminism.

Or I shall just avoid marrying any of my classmates. Muahahaha. Unless... all men think like that? OH NO! Damn.

I am doomed! Doomed I tell you!

And I shall stop now. Apparently, not thinking isn't a very good idea with me. Toodles all!

[I'd appreciate it if you didn't call up the Happy Hospital. Just this once. Please? THANK YOU!! *hugs and kisses everyone*]

Insanely Sane and the Citizens Park (correct ah? :P)

Lazy lazy me never thought walking could be so much fun. I've been deflecting exhortations from my poor parents to follow them to the Taman Rakyat in Andalas for ages...

But yesterday, when Ee May asked whether I wanted to go with her, I agreed. In like, 2 seconds flat [not including the time it took to call my dad and ask permission :P]. And seeing as the original plan was to go for breakfast with Jenna and Dav, we convinced those two poor souls to tag along.

So this morning, I got up at 6. Yep, on a Saturday. And saw a message from Jen sent at 2.53 a.m. - "Elaine!! Do you know where my house is or not???" [Yeeesss, Jen :P] And on calling Ee May at 6.50, I found she was still in the shower. Whee. Could've slept an extra half hour. Hmph. Hehe.

Which is what Ee May found Davina doing, when she reached HER house (where I picked them both up from). Our dear dear friend thought that we were JOKING about going for that walk... and promptly proceeded to sleep in! Gah. *knocks Davina's head* I TOLD you I was going to pull up outside your house anyway!

We picked Jen up after Dav took 10 minutes to "brush her teeth" and woohoo! You shoulda seen the - I quote - "pimpin'" gold and white shoes ol' Jen had on! And boy was she in a good mood. All smiley and giggly and ... haha. I don't blame her. I'd be on Cloud 9 too, if the same thing had happened to me.

Anyway, we reached TR without any mishaps (thank God!) and managed to find parking due to excellent, EXCELLENT timing. [Okay, so it was more like pure luck... lol]. My angle sucked, so Ee May - who wanted to try driving a "normal car" for once - re-parked it. Really well, I might add!

So we huffed and we puffed, all the way along the 200 metres or so it took to the foot of the "jungle" trail. Teehee. [What to do, all lazy pigs.. haven't had proper exercise in YEARS! :P] And with much protestation from poor, sleepy Davina, we took the stairs to the trail. Y'know, I had NO idea there were stairs there! Shows how long it's been since I've been there... Ok.

We weren't so much exercising our legs, as we were out mouths, though. And at certain inclines, we thought about ol' Ju and how LUCKY she is to have a group of hunks to help her out, while all we had was.. well.. us. Hmph. Heehee.

Oh and I discovered I can do monkey bars [Harhar I know... Shouldn't be a surprise right? *rolls eyes at Uncle Chris*] First time EVER I've managed to complete the one in Taman Rakyat. Woohooo! Maybe it's all those books I carry to school everyday. More than enough to build muscles, those. Haha.

After a little over half hour, we decided to call it a day. Better not to strain our poor delicate un-exercised selves. And then we proceeded to destroy all the good it'd done. Muahaha. Went to a mamak in Chi Liung and gorged (well, not quite.. :P) ourselves on one apam, one roti canai, nasi lemak and a roti telur. Only Jen abstained. Oh, for a TOUCH of her self-control! [Oi, budak.. did you eat those fruits like we told you to???]

Aaaahhh... Being with Insanely Sane is ALWAYS fun. For some reason we NEVER run out of things to talk about. Which is awesome, and the kind of friendship that's really hard to find. Woohoo! So... In the name of exercise, mamaks and the Insanely Sane spirit, we've decided to make this a weekly affair.

After I complete all those extra Saturdays of school that we're forced to attend. Pah.

Ooh gosh. Can't wait! Insanely Saners rock the house! Or the hill. Or um.. nevermind.

We just rock!

Heehee.

(Pretty obvious that I don't know how to end this eh? :P)

I can't

I cannot do this anymore.
But how do I stop?
I can't face him.
Sometimes I don't even want to.
But doing that just tears me up inside.
I hate having to ignore him.
But I feel like I have no choice.
I can't be friends with him.
Not with so much hanging between us.
It isn't my fault.
Isn't exactly his either.
Or maybe we're both to blame.
I should never have said anything.
And he should have told me the truth.
What is rejection but a temporary thing?
One can recover from rejection.
But what is the cure for uncertainty?
Nothing but the truth.
I know it's hard to speak your mind.
To tell someone that you don't care about them,
as much as they do about you.
But telling them would be the best thing for them
And you, too.
So, speak your mind, boy.
Don't be afraid of hurting me.
You've done that already.
One more time won't make much difference.
You may never love me.
And maybe I don't love you.
But for now I'd like to know what you're really thinking.
Just so I can end this feeling of hanging by a thread.
Just so I can look at you again.
I can get over you - but you have to help me.
Crush my hopes, just once.
That's all you have to do.
Then maybe - finally - I'll be free of you.

Is this what you wanted to read, Ju? :) Sorry. I'm depressed.

JUWWWEEEE!!!!!!

Ju Li's going. Tomorrow. In 12 hours time.

Sobs.

What'm I gonna do without her? For EIGHT MONTHS! Oh no oh no oh no. The thought just totally makes me wanna bawl my eyes out. For real.

Sigh.

I know I hardly see her anyway, but it was always a great comfort to know that I could just pick up the phone and call anytime. Or say, "hey, let's go for lunch" on a whim and she'd be there.

I don't think there's anyone else on EARTH who gets me like she does. Which may not be such a good thing for her, but heck. Lol. I just know that I can tell her anything. And most times, she's the only one I can turn to.

God, I feel so depressed right now. I just know I'm gonna flood KLIA tomorrow. Gosh. Never cried at airports before. Eeks.

See Ju? You've turned me into a sentimal wuss! Help!

Dammit, I miss her already!

Do or Die (So "drama", eh? Heehee.)

I had a weird dream last night. Let's just say it involved him and it weren't good. I still have this terrible sense of "you've made a fool of yourself, girl!" Blah. I suppose I have.

Which is why I've reached a decision. No matter how friggin' painful it's gonna be, I think I have to go through with it. Because, really. What am I getting out of trying to figure out where this is heading? Is it even heading anywhere? Y'see? I can't answer that. So what's the point?

There IS no point. Which is exactly why I am resolving to get my head back on straight and FORGET IT. Sigh.

This is short coz I gotta go. Just thought I'd let those of you who've been following my nonsense know.

PS: Selamat Hari Merdeka to all you Malaysians out there!

What Talking I?

La dee da. I love Lucie Silvas! I don't think I've found a song with lyrics I can relate to as much as I relate to "What You're Made Of". Isn't that sad? I mean, a happy song would be something to be proud of, now wouldn't it? Sigh. What I talking ah? Someone explain to me. Coz I also not understand. Hehe.

Someone asked me that day if I'm willing to wait "with" [I'm still trying to figure this out...] him. As in, the guy I'm being a complete dumbo over. I took it as "for" him, though. And I guess I am. But hm... I would really like to know what it is I'm waiting FOR.

I wonder how long I can cope with being kept in the dark like that. Not knowing what he's thinking or feeling... For goodness sake, he KNOWS what it's like! Not like he isn't going through almost the same thing himself. Bloody great triangle I've gone and gotten myself into. Why why why why why...

I am being an idiot about all this, aren't I? Is forgetting him the way to go? I mean, is it worth all the waiting when I have no clue why I SHOULD wait. I do like him, but as the song says, "no matter what I sacrifice it's still never enough.."

Aikaikaiks. This requires a lot of rational thought. Something which I am doggoned lousy at. Anyway. I shall wait. For the time being. Or maybe until I find someone who likes me as much as I like him. Sigh.

If only it were that simple.

Can We Do This Again..?

I told Ju Li on the train today that I'd try, but... How do I write in Manglish? As in Mangled English, not Malaysian English. Coz I can't do it when I have no one to do it with. Uck. That didn't sound too good. Sighes. Lemme try, though...

I got mention before that I love my friends ah? Got or not? Got right? SURE GOT! Because ah, I tell you la.. My friends all very good one! They all ah.. I can tell every of my secrets you know!

Damn. I can't do it! Not with a straight face. Okay. I shall re-write that.

I love my friends. They're great. We had a sleepover at my PJ place last night ... and I enjoyed every second of it! Even though Ee May was a lil sleepy, and Davina broke her butterfly pin and proceeded to feel guilty about it until 2 a.m. *grins*

The sleepover was basically a farewell of sorts for ol' Ju Li who's gonna be going to Hong Kong next Saturday. Dang. One week. Sobs.

Who'm I going to call up when I need someone to cheer me up desperately? Who will listen to my gripes and complaints and then knock me on my head while making me feel better at the same time? Who's gonna allow me to be a complete idiot, and only roll her eyes in exasperation and not disown me completely?

Okay *pulls self together* Last night was a laugh! Courtesy of Davina, Ee May and I, Ju Li was turned into a - for lack of a better comparison - geisha *falls off chair laughing* Mainly coz the makeup was for MY skin tone, not hers. Haha. Seriously, though... her make up was a hoot - but Ee May did a good job with the hairstyle. Really suited her. [You should consider making it permanent, Ju ;)]

Took us an hour to get settled into bed, thanks to ol' Dav... It was more funny than exasperating though. It's hard to get mad at Davina. She's just too amusing for words! Was freezing cold, though. Don't think I actually SLEPT much. Jules certainly didn't. She got up at.. 7.20! A.M! Amazing, no?

Walked out at 8 to Rajoo's for breakfast. Yum yum! Roti telur! The guy had trouble understanding Ju for some reason. Does "roti pisang" sound like "roti tisu" to you?? Gah to him and his ears! Oh, and there was this really cute white boy there - too bad he looked about 16. Although he was TALL, mind you.. TALL!

Davina didn't join us though. She decided to sleep in. We came back and found her cooking scrambled eggs. For some reason my maid only has a problem with me cooking. Other people (guests!) can cook in her kitchen, no problem. Like, what?

Went to KLCC. Where we first headed into Topshop and Zara. That's what's called masochism. Nice clothes. Even nicer prices. Oh why do we torture ourselves so? Kinokuniya was no better. It's terrible to be in a place FULL of books and know that I'm not going to be able to buy a single one. Sobs. PLUS I saw F. Paul Wilson's latest Repairman Jack novel! ARGH!! Someone bite me!

Lunch at Chilli's! Where we always seem to eat whenever we go to KLCC. Hm.. Wonder why that is. Gawsh, it was filling! Then I dragged Jules and Xin Yi to this shop to look for a present. Which I spent AGES deciding on. Mainly coz most of the cards were... shall we say... inappropriate for present situation. Heehee.

A pitstop at Coffee Bean... Boy do they have enthusiastic waiters there! Or was it just us? Coz we had a "Bye... thank you!" for each one of us! [Okay, so it was just one overly-semangated waiter. Still... lol!]

We went to Tower Records to look for Lucie Silvas' album... Aiks! Just because Jeff Timmons was going there doesn't mean all the teenage girls in the store are dying to buy his album la, darlings! [<-- referring to salespersons] I was trying to find LS's album, and this guy comes up to me and goes, "Jeff Timmons?" And I'm like, "No. Lucie Silvas." And he looks blankly at me for a moment, then goes.. "Oh.. over here." And points to some obscure corner. Blah. I know la Jeff Timmons is a hottie and all but.. aih. Never mind la. He's the one who's bengang right? MUAHAHA. [Besides, I already HAVE Jeff Timmons CD.. hehe.]

Ee May had to rush off home after that. Sigh. I feel so bad la... Shouldn't have taken my own sweet time. Otherwise we could've all gone back together. Anyway, Jules and me chit-chatted all the way home about guys, guys, guys, English, guys, teachers, guys, school, guys.... *grins* Well, more like guys and their apparent dumbness la. Gah. Our favourite topic.

Anyway, the bottom line is, I had SO MUCH FUN! I don't know, but there's something special about being able to just be yourself with a bunch of people, even though you hardly see each other. I can't believe Ju's going so soon. But I guess I've gotta trust that this thing we all have will never change.

Coz if it does, it'll be the saddest thing that could ever happen to me.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

[PS: Jen! We missed ya!]

Natural Highs

This is SO true!

1. Being in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No queues at the supermarket.
5. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
6. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.
7. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
8. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
9. Chocolate milkshake ... (or vanilla ... or strawberry!)
10. A bubble bath.
11. Giggling.
12. A good conversation.
13. Finding a £20 note in your coat from last winter.
14. Running through sprinklers.
15. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
16. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
17. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
18. Waking up and realising you still have a few hours left to sleep.
19. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
20. Having someone play with your hair.
21. Sweet dreams.
22. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
23. Holding hands with someone you care about.
24. Running into an old friend and realising that some things (good or bad) never change.
25. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you. 26. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
27. Knowing that somebody misses you.
28. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
29. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

My Second Choice for a Theme Song...

What You're Made Of - Lucie Silvas

Just like I predicted, we're at the point of no return
We can't go backwards, and no corners have been turned
I can't control it, if I sink or if I swim
'Cause I chose the waters that I'm in

And it makes no difference
who is right or wrong
I deserve much more than this
'Cause there's only one thing I want

If it's not what you're made of
You're not what I'm looking for
You were willing but unable
to give me anymore
There's no way,
You're changing,
Cause some things will just never be mine,
You're not in love this time...
but it's alright.

I hear you talking, but your words don't mean a thing
I doubt you ever put your heart into anything
It's not much to ask for, to get back what I put in
But I chose the waters that I'm in

And it makes no difference
who is right or wrong
I deserve much more than this
'Cause there's only one thing I want

If it's not what you're made of
You're not what I'm looking for
You were willing but unable
to give me anymore
There's no way,
You're changing,
Cause some things will just never be mine
You're not in love this time...but it's alright.

What's your definition of the one?
What do you really want him to become?
No matter what I sacrifice it's still never enough.

Just like I predicted, I will sink before I swim
'Cause these are the waters that I'm in

If it's not what you're made of
You're not what I'm looking for
You where willing, but unable
to give me anymore
There's no way,
You're changing,
'Cause some things will just never be mine
You're not in love this time.

Oh, if it's not what you're made of
You're not what I'm looking for
You where willing, but unable
to give me anymore
There's no way,
You're changing,
'Cause some things will just never be mine
You're not in love this time

You're not in love this time
You're not in love this time...

Thank You God!

I just realized... I have a lot to be grateful for...

1. Parents that understand and respect me
2. A brother that loves me and cares about me, despite his constant attempts to annoy the hell out of me (he succeeds everytime, by the way :P)
3. An incredibly close-knit extended family, all of whom will go to extreme lengths to help each other out
4. Cousins who have become more like siblings and best friends, whom I can talk to about ANYTHING
5. Cousins willing to make complete fools of themselves just to help me indulge in a whim of mine - the EXPO 2001. *Thanks guys!!!*
6. Years of nonsensical yet fun-filled activities: sneaking out to 7 Eleven, dumping Slurpees out windows, digging holes in the garden for "golf", eating grass, swimming in the water tank, marching around the hall singing Negaraku at the top of our lungs...
7. Being allowed to go for all the Westlife concerts
8. All us Westlife freaks successfully creating a banner that appeared on some news websites for Westlife's 2002 football match cum showcase here
9. Having old friends that still bother keeping in touch... even though I see them once in a blue moon
10. The Insanely Saners [next few lines involve all of them :)]
11. Friends who help me see the funny side of any situation, no matter how bleak
12. Friends who listen, even though it's the 100000000000th time I'm complaining about the same thing
13. Friends who'll waste their credit trying to get me out of a funk
14. Friends who aren't afraid to correct me when I'm wrong
15. Friends who can talk about anything - anytime, anywhere *grins at Ee May*
16. Friends who still read my blog, even though I go for days on end moaning about the same thing
17. Friends who trust me enough to tell me their secrets
18. Friends who don't always approve of my taste in guys... but support me through those phases anyway!
19. Friends I can be 100% myself with, knowing that they'll never judge me or love me less
20. Never running out of things to talk about with them, even though we haven't seen each other in months
21. Parents who don't begrudge me my book collecting nonsense, even if they aren't always happy about it
22. A mum who knows about all my crushes and still allows me to go out with them!
23. A mum who's close enough to me to be able to read me like an open book
24. A dad who shares my sense of humour, and can laugh about anything with me
25. A dad who'd rather give me money than have me work (although I don't agree with him on this one)
26. A brain that's good enough for me to make something of myself... even though I may not always appreciate it
27. A bunch of new friends who have made being in a new school a great experience so far
28. Knowing guys who've had the guts to do something special for me, even though they find me intimidating [Jules - Julian wrote a poem for me once, using all the letters in my name as the starting alphabet of every line :P]
29. Making some excellent friends through the Malaysian Idol forum... It's been over a year, but we're still so comfortable when we meet up. How cool is THAT?
30. A piano teacher who doesn't drag me over hot coals, even when it's obvious I've been neglecting to practise [PS: My exam's next May... Bloody Grade 8! I'm so deaded!]
31. Years of fun with the MGS choir.... CHOIR CLUB RULEZ, eh guys? *grins at ex-choir girls*
32. Lavinia and Joyce - even though they're both in Australia, they were my best friends at one point or other in my life and it's amazing how we can still get along so well now
33. Net pals who go out of their way to get me a birthday gift, or to listen to me gripe, or who are willing to hike up their phone bills sms-ing me, just coz I can't sleep...
34. A good command of English...
35. Cousins who'll cover up for me, even though they don't have to [Thanks Jon...]
36. Cousins whom I can yak and yak and yak to for hours, even though I've only seen them 3 or 4 times in my entire life!
37. Cousins who consider me their "baby sister"... and treat me like one! [I've always wanted an older brother.. *grins*]
38. Older friends who've watched me grow and still play a very important part in my life, who care about me and what happens to me [Uncle Chris, Uncle David, Michele, Rosalie, Aunty Justina, Aunty Cecilia...]
39. An excellent Math teacher who knows his stuff .. and cares about his students too!

Basically I have a life a lot of other people would kill for... Friends and family who love me, freedom to do pretty much whatever I want (within limits), parents who allow me to indulge in my hobbies... Yeah. Makes me wonder why I gripe so much.

I guess I really have a lot to thank God for after all.

Hm...

I know it's pretty pointless posting this, since most of the peeps who read my blog (whom I know of, at least) are single. Including me. Hehe. But well... Save it for when that status is shed, aight? :)

1. Watch the sunset together. - Oooh yes! This one is a MUST!
2. Whisper to each other.
3. Cook for each other. - He'd have to like Maggi Mee.. A LOT. Hehe.
4. Walk in the rain. - Getting wet is always fun. Wheee!
5. Hold hands.
6. Buy gifts for each other. - Guys are really hard to buy gifts for, though :(
7. Roses
8. Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear it every time you're together. - My nose agrees with this one.
9. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight. - Oh yes oh yes oh yes oh yes! My dream date has this firmly implanted in it *winks at Jenna*
10. Write poetry for each other. - Er... Elaine's rule: "Only if you're good at it!" But I might just overlook that if I really like him.... LOL.
11. Hugs are the universal medicine. - Amen.
12. Say I love you, only when you mean it and make sure they know you mean it. - This is THE Rule.
13. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc. - Only if you can afford it. If not, picking a random bunch of flowers from the garden is a heck of a romantic gift...
14. Tell her that she's the only girl you ever want Don't lie! - Lying is never a good idea. Period.
15. Spend every second possible together. - Whoa whee. Um... Just don't get under each other's skin sudah boleh la.
16. Look into each other's eyes. - This one I like. Especially if he has drownable eyes *grins at Jenna again*
17. Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her lightly. - Sigh. 'Nuff said.
18. When in public, only flirt with each other. - What do we do in private then? Er... nevermind. LOL.
19. Put love notes in their pockets when they aren't looking. - Elaine setuju. Sangat sangat romantic punyerr, ini.
20. Buy her a ring. - Just as long as you're sure it isn't misconstrued.. Especially if she's like 13 or something. Might just freak her out *remembers 13th birthday party and shudders*
21. Sing to each other. - Ooooh *falls off chair laughing* Unless you can sing, or Elaine likes you VERY much, don't try this with her. *grins at all Insanely Saners*
22. Always hold her around her hips/sides. - How do you do this if you're holding hands....? Contortionsim? Lol. (Re: No. 5)
23. Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two deal. - What's a dinner for two deal? Elaine blur.
24. Spaghetti? (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?) - Oh HELL yeah! :D
25. Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it over your heart. - Ahhh... Damn, I'm turning into a mush-pot!
26. Dance together.
27. Do cute things like write I love you in a note so that they have to look in a mirror to read it.
28. Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes. - Er... Note: This is only ok if done once in awhile.
29. Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say I love you. - *nods vigorously*
30. Call from your vacation spot to tell them you were thinking about them. - *nods even more vigorously*
31. Remember your dreams and tell her about them. - My head's gonna fall off if I nod anymore.
32. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.
33. Be Prince Charming to her parents. - He'll need to be to win over MY dad! Mwahahahaha. Hehe.
34. Brush her hair out of her face for her. - This is something all guys should learn how to do. Really.
35. Hang out with his/her friends. - Importante.
36. Go to church/pray/worship together.
37. Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked. - Someone actually did that for me once... Memorized the poem from Mr. Deeds. It was the sweetest thing anyone ever did for me. [To Jules: Matthew Xavier *winks*]
38. Learn from each other and don't make the same mistake twice.
39. Describe the joy you feel just to be with him/her.
40. Make sacrifices for each other.
41. Really love each other, or don't stay together. - LISTEN UP PEOPLE! THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT OF THE IMPORTANT.... *calms down*
42. Let there never be a second during any given day that you aren't thinking about them, and make sure they know it. - A tad impossible, this. Not if you wanna get any work done.... Lol.
43. Love yourself before you love anyone else. - Yeah huh. Otherwise the other person will always have to deal with your insecurites. Not fun.
44. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages. - Just make sure you have the translations handy... :)
45. Dedicate songs to them on the radio. - Uh huh uh huh!
46. Fall asleep on the phone with each other. - Make sure it's a landline... Otherwise your credit will die a quick death. Heehee.
47. Stand up for them when someone talks trash. - This should be a given...
48. Never forget the kiss goodnight and always remember to say, "Sweet dreams."

What are the chances of finding someone who'll do ALL this eh? At least 80%? Sigh.

Note

Okay... judging from the fact that JU LI doesn't get what I'm trying to say... I think I have a problem.

I AM JUST TOO BLOODY CRYPTIC FOR MY OWN GOOD!

And I forget that not everyone gets me all the time. Sigh. Poor readers. I should try and make myself clearer next time.

Nice.And.Simple.

No more backwards, forwards, sideways and upside down meanings for me. I shall not have double triple quadruple meanings anymore.

I shall me normal. Simple. Understandable.

Sigh. Anyone want to give lessons to a hopeless case?

An Attempt To Explain... Sigh

Oops. Oh dear. Elaine has just realized that previous posts were a little dramatic. Even for Elaine's standards. And totally unexplained. So she's been asked by various parties to reveal source of said outburst.

Aih. I wish I could explain it. I'd like to hear the explanation myself, actually. It should be a good one. Provided my brain decides to come back for the long siesta it has obviously taken. For now, I'm being controlled solely by emotions, and everyone knows an emotional Elaine is NEVER a good thing. Nah uh *shakes head vigorously*

Said posts have also extracted responses from parties that ... require an explanation. Mainly coz the language used was so strong. Sigh. I KNEW I was going to regret that post. If Insanely Sane are in knots wondering what was going on, sorry girls. It was just me having one of my "let's all go nuts and over-react" days. You shall have an explanation and decide for yourself, though.

Hm.. Another point that I need to clarify - the posts were full of "he" and "him" and what "he" should be doing. Hm. In this instance I wasn't directing said unexplainable fury at HIM (you know, the "him" him..). It was merely the easiest way to express myself, so I used it. If I had to talk in general all the time... Mati la saya! A bit difficult to worry about whether my sentences are correct or not when all I felt like doing was throwing a vase or a plate or something that would shatter satisfyingly enough. Hehe.

Oh and the parts about not being upfront and stuff, and just saying it and all... Well. That, funnily enough, wasn't directed at him either. Technically not, anyway. Coz it wasn't HIM I was angry at. The whole situation was pretty much my fault and well... someone else's. Let's just call that person "Voldemort" [easier than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named lerr.. lol].

The whole situation really arose from me being gullible enough to listen to Voldemort. Not a smart move, wouldn't you say? Listening to Voldemort. Can get one into SERIOUS trouble. Which it did. And now there's ANOTHER misunderstanding. Which I'm at a loss as to how to clear up.

Gah. Next time I need to censor my fingers. Or at the very least, type straightforwardly. Everytime I have a meaning behind a meaning, I wind up confusing everybody. Especially the ones who matter. ARGH.

You know what? I'm being confusing again. Sigh. WHHHHY? This needs clearing up ASAP.

Is it enough just to know that I'm over being an angry idiot? And that I really don't know what possessed me to lash out like that? I did warn you... I did! It wasn't good for you to see that. Not at all.

Sigh... one consolation for me. Does that qualify me to be a 15th century writer? I'm an expert at beating around the bush and having hidden meanings that no one gets. Really! I am...

I Saw A Rainbow! A WHOLE Rainbow!

I'm in a listy mood again today... Which means my mood is a hell of a lot better than it's been for the past one week.

1. Malaysian jazz bands are pretty darn good!
2. Eric something (forgot his surname) is a FANTASTIC pianist! I'm so jealous! His fingers! Mmmm...
3. I suddenly can't stop thinking about the word "ditzy".
4. I wish we were still young enough to find sneaking out to 7 Eleven exciting.
5. Things never seem as fun when they're done legally. Sigh.
6. The truth really does set you free. Apparently it works in the non-Biblical sense, too.
7. Although the truth hurts like hell.
8. At least I'm not in the dark anymore.
9. Which is a good thing. Right?
10. Okay, back to list.
11. I saw the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen in my life today! It was a perfect arch across the sky! And people think there's no God...
12. Sending David's friend to tuition in Taman Chi Liung took a good 20 minutes. And this was from my house in Taman Gembira. (Um.. Only Klang folk will get this one, methinks... lol)
13. I miss my friends.
14. I'm lucky to have such great friends - the old AND the new!
15. Have I mentioned that I miss my friends?
16. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a teenage soap opera.
17. The Malaysianized version, that is.
18. My voice still hasn't recovered fully :( I wanna be able to do the high-pitched scream again!!!
19. David's irritating me again. Argh.
20. TING! David's handsomer than Brian. I still say that. Even though I feel like whacking him right now. So there. Hehe.
21. I miss Vinder. Sniffles.
22. I can't believe I still like him. Not after what's been going on.
23. But then again, it isn't his fault. Not really.
24. People should learn to tell someone when they don't have a chance.
25. Leading them on is about the worst thing you could do.
26. Thank God I learnt that this year. THANKS DUSTY!
27. INSANELY SANE! I LOVE YOU GUYS!

Hm.. haha. That last one wasn't really part of the list... Just put that in there because you guys are the best peeps I'll ever know. Much much better than the blurcase fellas who come along.

Wheee haaa! I'm sooo much better today! What a relief!

In Retrospect...

Aiks. That was a bit harsh. But I really was mad. Sigh. I just don't know anymore. I'm confused beyond words. I hear one thing from one person, something else from another.. It's not funny. At all. The humour is going out of this situation fast. And that isn't a good thing.

Hope can be a delightful thing. But it can also destroy if crushed.

No way am I letting that happen.

Anger + Hurt = Disaster

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I...

Sigh. No I don't. I do, but I don't either. I can't. Not as much as I wish I could.

I know I've been blogging too much about that.. that.. argh. Nevermind. Don't wanna call him what it really is I want to call him. Pah. Sorry, but I can't help it. He just makes me so mad!

I really really would like to know what's going on. I'm pretty sure he's figured it out. He's a smart guy. Only really blur and dumb ones wouldn't have gotten it by now. So I really don't know what he's playing at. Or the others who know, too, for that matter.

A bit of truth would be welcome. I know it's great for the ego and all if someone likes you, but how about what the other person's feeling huh? I know it's hard to just come out and SAY IT if you don't like somone, believe me. I've had to do it too. Makes you feel like the world's biggest jerk. But trust me, there's nothing worse for the one who's feelings are hanging in the balance than NOT knowing where he/she stands with you.

Right now, all I've got are rumours. But ones that are almost 100% likely to be true. So I'm thinking, if they're true... What the hell was the aftermath of that all about? Couldn't someone have given me an indication of what was going on? Instead of acting all, "Hey, everything's great... Wanna hang out?"

I mean, hello?! I know I may be the world's biggest sucker, and I don't mind helping to cheer someone up - if that really was the only reason. But if all I am is an ego booster or a rebound or whatever, well hey, screw your head back on straight. No matter how much I may like someone, I am NOT that hard up, though I may SOUND like a lovesick puppy. Ask anyone though - I usually do, about someone or other, so this isn't a unique situation.

This may all be in my head, but I am really really mad right now. I'm also trying to figure something out. Why don't guys know how to be gentlemanly anymore? Gosh... It was all I could do not to stare in absolute amazement at them. Only ONE had the decency to offer. My god. At the very least, OFFER! Especially if you're the one who did the inviting.

Do I sound totally out of it? Probably don't sound as bad as I feel. I keep replaying everything in my mind and wondering, where was all that going? What was the POINT of it? I'm all for making someone feel better after rejection, but what the HELL?! Not at someone else's expense, please! ARGH.

I thought this rant would make me feel better. Apparently not.

Sigh. I'll probably post again later with something a little less... dramatic. I've just been turned inside out and it isn't a pretty picture. How I manage to act normal (normal for me, that is) is totally beyond me.

Because all I feel like doing now is screaming.

-untitled-

I have had considerable time to think about something, seeing as my weekend was spent mostly in bed, trying to read. In the afternoon, at least. Now, it's nothing all that profound, so don't be expecting some mind-blowing philosophications.

So, something that happened on Saturday morning left me feeling all weird. For some reason, I found myself thinking about my past, er.. relationships. And analyzing them. And I found out a couple of things that I hadn't noticed before, with all my feministic (is that even a word? *grins*) feminisim-ish girl power-ish ideas.

I have just discovered that I am considerably old fashioned. I'd like the guy to take charge most of the time, instead of waiting for ME to do or say something. Be uh... what's another word for "masterful"? Something less connected to the.. uh.. nevermind.

Now, before I get screams of horror from my fellow Insanely Saners, hear me out.

I'm not saying that I'll take crap from the guy. Just the opposite, in fact. And I am definitely NOT saying that I'll let him control my life, or dictate what I can or cannot do. The minute he tries, his ass is out the door. Scout's honour. Or whatever honour you wanna choose.

All I want is for the guy to... well... act like a guy. Take the initiative. I don't want to dig stuff out. I don't want to be the one to start something. I want to be the GIRL for once, y'know? Instead of constantly having to deal with fragile egos and having to hint at what I want for him to think of it.

I wanna be pampered and protected and.. Well. Hm. Basically the total opposite of what I've been doing for the past 5 years la. I need a change of scene. The chance to be the "weaker" party for once. But I draw the line at being a girly-girl damsel in distress. My old fashioned-ness only goes so far.

But what's the likelihood of me finding such a guy huh? Sigh. One who'll just come out and TELL me if he likes me. None of my ex-es ever told me directly that they liked me. As in, I didn't find out from them first. I always found out from someone else before they finally told me. After a considerably long length of time, during which they'd hint and hint and hint and I always felt like, "Just SAY IT!"

Sigh. Is it too much to ask for a guy to make a girl feel like a girl? Maybe I should've grown up more feminine and girly and ... ah no. I like myself the way I am right now. But I don't know. It's no fun being intimidating to guys, especially the ones you like.

ANYWAY. This whole post has depressed me even more. Pah. Annoyingnyerr.

I shall not think about this anymore. Really. At least, I hope really.

I really really do.

PS: Ju just called me a lovesick idiot. And maybe I am. Sigh. Not good.

Bye Bye

Oh crap. I suddenly feel like crying. I don't know why. It's so out of the blue. It could be this haze. Or maybe I'm just stupid.

Far as I'm concerned, I'm pretty sure he knows. I mean, how couldn't he? He'd have to be blind, deaf and dumb (not the speech kind) not to. Otherwise he's an exceptionally blur person. Which I seriously doubt. Chances of that are as high as me being chosen to represent Malaysia in long distance running. Or something.

I know he knows all the other crap. I don't know if I regret that or not. But somehow it was a bit of a relief being able to be candid like that. Not anymore though. Those days are pretty much gone.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Though I can't think of a reason to prove myself wrong. As it is, a deaf person could put two and two together, the way things are being tossed around. Oh well. I signed my own death warrant when I opened my big mouth. Now's the time to suck it up and bear the consequences, hey?

I guess I just want him to know that on my part, I ain't gonna be doing anything about anything. I'd be much much happier if he didn't know anything - that I wish with all my heart that this is nothing more than a crush that will disappear with a little time. It'd be so much easier for it to be that if people weren't constantly reminding me of it. As if I needed any reminding.

You know.. I'm not even sure that I want to have anything to do with him til this cools off. I really really don't know anymore. It could just be that I'm feeling like this coz I'm depressed. Or it cold be what is the best for me. And ultimately, I guess, him.

Although - I do have to give him credit for something : if he knows, he hasn't given any indication, and as Ju put it, hasn't "avoided me like the plague". I don't know. I guess I'm grateful. Coz I know how hard it is to be on the receiving end of unwanted attention. Even if it's not from the person, the teasing can get to you after awhile.

Kudos, dude. You deserve it.

Now I shall crawl back under my rock and die.

Insanely Sane!

Hoo boy. The haze is so bad, I can't see the houses that are three doors away. The air con and fan are turned on, the windows are all closed... Yet I can hardly breathe and my eyes are stinging.

So they called of school at 11 o'clock today.. But mum came and picked me up at 10.20. On orders from my dad. Who was pissed at me FOR GOING TO SCHOOL. Go figure. The haze wasn't all that bad this morning. It's only now that it's so thick, it's scary!

Okay, 'nuff bout the haze. It's depressing. Although we don't have school tomorrow because of it. (YAY! :D)

I shall talk about Insanely Sane. Only coz Ju's nick made me nostalgic. Gosh. Sniffles.

First off, to all those who've been wondering what the blazes Insanely Sane is - it's not a what. It's a who. Or rather, a few who's. They're my closest friends - amazing women, they are. Brilliant, funny, talented - and most of all, insane. In a sane way. If you know what that means. Either way, that should tell you how the name got coined.

Now. Let me start my uh.. commentary? Gah. My vocab is ruined.

******

Ju Li
Ahem. Jujulili. Jules. Juju. My best friend. World class nutter. Though she doesn't seem to be on the surface. Dig a little deeper though, and you'll find a girl whose craziness rivals mine. I'm serious! In fact [*psst* don't tell her I said this!], I think there's a teeny possibility that she surpasses me in that arena. Muahaha.

Jokes aside, I don't think I could ask for a better friend. She's been there for me every single time. The past few years, I think I've come to depend on her more than I ever thought I would. She can make me laugh hysterically when all I wanna do is sob my guts out. She knocks sense into me with a few VERY well chosen words. She's never judged me, no matter what nonsense I do... And although she said hi to the school cat before she even LOOKED at me [girl, I am NEVER gonna let you forget that *grins evilly*], I love her to bits and bits.

Have 3 words for you Juju - WHHYYY YOOOUUU GOOOO???? *sniffles* [Elaine sad :'( ]

Ee May
One word. Whoa. Or fun. I don't know. Choose which one you think suits her best. I can't decide. I mean, we only got close when we were in 3 Efektif, and the whole W.E.I.R.D Kambings thing and all started. But you know what? The length of time we've known each other is totally immaterial. To me, at least. Coz all I know is, if I could choose my friends all over again, Ee May'd still be among them.

She's loyal, out-spoken when she thinks someone's being unfair, knows her own mind, sticks to her values and principles, isn't afraid to tell you off if what you're doing is not right... Some people can't handle that, but I think that's what makes her an excellent friend. Because she'll tell you what she thinks is best for you, and not just what you want to hear.

Oh. And she's HEAPS of fun too! She's a TOTAL drama queen. I mean, you have to be, to do a William Hung impersonation in a class full of study freaks who want to do nothing else but.. well.. study. I don't know. I admire her for that.

Love you, Ee May! You're a breath of fresh air and a better friend than some of my oldest friends. Couldn't ask for more.

Jenna
Ms. Magandran. Jenna Shakespeare. Hm... Naaah. I prefer Jenjen. Hehe.

Good gosh, Insanely Sane wouldn't BE Insanely Sane without this here girlie. I mean, she's completely, and utterly.. insanely sane. Y'know? And that's a good thing, mind. She's always so dramatic and passionate about everything. She'll talk about anything.... Well. Except ass hair on her boi *grins wickedly*

Jenna is entirely lovable. She's got a soft heart, is extremely loyal, has an absolutely WICKED sense of humour, loves the boys (I got kaki!!! :P), has random bouts of singing the weirdest songs [eg, I'm A Little Teapot.. haha], and man can she WRITE. Honestly, this girl is like PHWOAARR! when it comes to creative writing. She's just amazing. Her vocab? Phew! Knocks the socks off us regular folk everytime we read her stuff.

It's hard to get mad and stay mad at ol' Jenjen. She'll just fix you with that puppy-eyed, pitiful look and you won't have the heart to put her through the wringer. Pah Jen. Not fair. Heehee. You know I love you girl, don't you? *hugs*

Xin Yi
I still can't believe she managed to get me hooked onto fantasy books. That girl is a.. a.. gosh. What do you call someone whom you can talk to for hours and hours about practically anything, everything and nothing in particular? I mean, talking about literature class shouldn't be interesting, but it is with her around!

I probably know her the least of IS, as I've known her the shortest, you could say. But she's still as important to me as the rest of 'em. Coz I know I can always count on her. Love you girlie. Don't you forget that.

Davina
Not an official member of IS, but heck. She could be! I mean, there is no one more dramatic, expressive and downright nuts than this here lady. She is the BOMB man! She's so entertaining, she could be a walking stage show. All by herself. And draw in a full house. Every single night.

But what's more, she NEVER forgets her friends. And she's always there when you need her. She can bring a smile to your face anytime. It's difficult to be depressed around her, she's so quirky and cheerful.. Even when she's "mad" about something. I love her. Ya hear, Dav girl? :)

*****

That's Insanely Sane for ya. I love my friends a whole lot. We don't see each other all that often [*sobs*] but you know what? For some reason it doesn't matter. Coz when we DO get together, it's like as if we'd never been parted. And I guess that's what proves that we ARE friends. And gosh. I hope and hope and hope beyond all hope that it stays that way!

Insanely Sane - I'm proud of you guys and I couldn't ask for better friends. EVER.

Big hugs all 'round. And um. Excuse the mush, aight? :D Just this once.

[PS: No school tomorrow! Yay!]

The Idiot and Her Box

I think I should stop watching so much TV. I mean, Tuesdays, I hardly ever get anything done coz I'm stuck to the idiot box with superglue. And it's not like there's anything I really want to watch. Heck, sometimes there's so little on, I end up watching Sesame Street!

Don't get me wrong... I like Sesame Street. [Um..? *grins sheepishly*] It's just that I shouldn't. Y'know? I have to remember that I am 18. Just like I now remember that I'm talking about not watching too much TV, and not about what shows I should or should not watch. Sigh.

Oh, and for the record... Thank God my uncle doesn't subscribe to the Disney Channel. Otherwise, add another few dozen programmes to my already mile long list of "shows to watch". And yes, dears, I did say Disney Channel. Not to mention Animal Planet... Oh god. Astro is SO not good for me!

Blogging about this is pretty pointless though. Coz I'm not about to change. Can't help it. I at the very least need my weekly doses of CSI, CSI : Miami and CSI : New York. And of course, Malaysian Idol - but I'll try and watch that one in person as much as I can. Hehe.

So.. No resolutions from me this time. Just a good ol' "complain about Elaine's hang ups" post. Whee.

Oh ya... Oh hell, Ee May. Demi god is about right. ARGH. Sometimes I just wish he wasn't all he's cracked up to be, y'know? Sad that he is. He's too smart. Waaay too smart. And quote from my Friendster "About Me".. "Smart guys = attractive". Eeks. Like as if I need anything else to add to my sorry garble of bluggots. And don't ask me what that is. I don't know either.

L.O.V.E

Didn't write this, but I think most of it is spot on.

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest?
-It isn't love, it's LIKE.

You can't keep your eyes or hands off of her, am I right??
-It isn't love, it's LUST.

Are you proud, and eager to show her off??
-It isn't love, it's LUCK.

Do you want her because you know she's there??
-It isn't love, it's LONELINESS.

Are you with her because it's what everyone wants??
-It isn't love, it's LOYALTY.

Are you with her because she kissed you, or held your hand?
-It isn't love, it's LOW CONFIDENCE.

Do you stay for her confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt her?
-It isn't love, it's PITY.

Do you belong to her because the sight of her makes your heart skip a beat??
-It isn't love, it's INFATUATION.

Do you pardon her faults because you care about her?
-It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP.

Do you tell her every day she is the only one you think of?
-It isn't love, it's a LIE.

Are you willing to give up all of your favorite things for her sake?
-It isn't love, it's CHARITY.

Does your heart ache and break when she's sad?
-Then it's LOVE.

Do you cry for her pain, even when she's strong?
-Then it's LOVE.

Do her eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
-Then it's LOVE.

Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you to her?
-Then it's LOVE.

Do you accept her faults because it's a part of who she is?
-Then it's LOVE.

Are you attracted to others, but stay with her faithfully without regret??
-Then it's LOVE.

Would you give her your heart, your life, your death??
-Then it's LOVE.

Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we love? Why is it all we search for in life?This pain, this agony? Why is it all we long for? This torture, this powerful death of self? Why? The answer is so simple cause it's LOVE.

It is such an addictive thing that even people who are not having it wish to experience it and share it with others as well.

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past... Love hurts our feelings, but it's also the reason our souls heal.

Aww... Hehe. Oh, btw, if you're a girl, replace all "hers" with "hims". Thank you. Unless of course you're.. Nevermind. Hehe. Again.

Of Ones and Horses and Stupid Elaines...

I've been trying to figure out what it is I want to happen. A friend asked me that when he found out I liked "a guy". And I couldn't answer him. Because I don't know!

What makes this situation so unique is... HE'S asked me that question before! Although without knowing the implications la. Haha. I seriously don't know whether to laugh or cry at the position I've put myself in. It's so hilariously sad that everytime I think about it, my head spins.

Picture this. You talk to the one. About the one. And the one gives you advice about the one. Without knowing that the one is the one. Capisce? Ooooh boy. Congrats to me for being the most idiotic person that has ever walked this earth.

And I'm sticking my neck out here. Coz for all I know, No. 6 actually reads all this. Oops. Oh well. What to do. I think I'm past caring. But that doesn't necessarily mean I will tell him ANYTHING. Haha. Er. Yeah. I'm sad as well as a coward.

I don't know what to think anymore. One of my friends told me something he said yesterday. And I'm like, "what?!" Half the time I don't know whether the whole thing's made up or not. But I've gotten it right from the horses mouth regarding that particular stallions view on.. things. And well. Not promising. At least from my view la.

I can't stand to look or talk to him. But I can't stand not to either. It's lose-lose for me. ARGH. Sigh. I got myself into this, I gotta get myself out of it.

Gah. Wish me luck. As in good luck. Not the bad kind.

Is This Me? Hahaha.

FEBRUARY:

Abstract thoughts. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive.
Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness.
Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious. Spendthrift. Has to learn to show emotions.

What do you guys think? Was that me? *choke* *gasp* *splutter* *ROFLMAO*

MI and.. Stuff

Ah.. I never realized how much I missed the atmosphere of Malaysian Idol til I finally went for a Spectacular after.. almost a year. WooOOOohHOOooo!!! The feeling was amazing. The whole place had this awesome vibe... Phew.

Anyway, this week's gonna be tough, coz they all sang pretty well. My fave songs of the night were by Daniel, Xerra, Faizull and yes, Ash. Well. Their performances, really. Vocally, I still love Adam, Farah and Azam. I know Ejay sang really well and all... But her diction still gets to me. Sorry la but I'm a bit of a fusspot in that sense. If I had to choose, though, I'd want Nita to go. I just don't think she's all that great. Sigh. Oh well. MI = to each his own.

It's interesting to see how much uh.. interest my previous post has garnered. Regarding the lack of substance in my blog. Wheee. Read further back and thou shalt see that I have added a sort of "disclaimer". That anyone expecting any form of deep-ness or anything that's remotely well thought out, look elsewhere. Coz I certainly don't THINK when I type.

Sigh. Okay. I am pretty pissed off about something right now so I'll stop. Coz if I don't, I'll end up saying stuff that I'll regret later on. And gosh, for the info of Insanely Sane, I didn't say a WORD to him in school today *wide-eyed with shock*. Can you believe it? I don't know how I managed it... But I must admit, it felt like crap. Oh well.

Bye y'all. Update this when I have more time.

Bless.

She's Makin' A List...

Exams are over! Phew! And I'm in the mood for lists. So.. I shall make a list.

1. Why can't they make cough mixtures that actually taste nice?
2. I am a TV addict.
3. I am a TV addict who watches Sesame Street. ['Scuse me, but I still like it. So there.]
4. I think Ewan McGregor is sexy.
5. My theme song is Westlife's "Obvious". That guy is SUCH a blur case!
6. Based on Ee May's reports... "Eighth World Wonder" isn't too far off the mark either. [If you discount the language fiasco, that is... hehe.]
7. Since school started (13/6), I've only finished 2 1/2 books. Whoa.
8. Why is it that I fall for guys with whom I have NO common interests, and ignore the guys who do?
9. I miss MGS.
10. I miss the choir.
11. I miss Insanely Sane. Girls! Next expedition ASAP, aight?
12. Guys are friendlier than girls.
13. My new friends - close ones - are all girls. Go figure.
14. I am sick of McDonalds.
15. I can't believe I've outgrown fastfood! Never thought I'd live to see the day...
16. I daydream too much for my own good.
17. I reveal too much for my own good.
18. I wish my voice would hurry up and get better so I can sing again.
19. I miss singing.
20. I miss singing with the DEDS.
21. DEDS was lame but so much fun. We should sing together again. We really should.
22. I can't cut my nails properly to save my life.
23. Uncle Jerome is actually a very fun person to chat with!
24. I love Yobi's Basic Spelling Tricks!
25. "If it is worth writing, it is worth writing right" - Yobi.
26. I miss the forummers.
27. I seem to be missing a lot of people.
28. I haven't said screwed once. Yay!
29. Oops.
30. I am running out of things to say.
31. I LOVE... Damn. Cannot say. Too bad. HAHA.

Seven days and seven nights of thunder

The water's rising and I'm slipping under

I think I fell in love with the eighth world wonder...

Bye bye.

Another Screw Just Fell Out...

I am doomed. My results will be horrific this time around, I just know it. And while all sane members of my class are studying, I am online, writing this. (Hehe. I'll just use MUET as an excuse... Have to practice my writing! *sticks out tongue at you*)

I still haven't quite figured out why I blog more when I'm busy. This happened during SPM too. Which is why I'm wondering if I have a serious mental problem. [To Insanely Sane who will say I have a mental problem anyway, just.. humour me, all right? Lol.] I mean, a NORMAL person would stay AWAY from their blog when there's Biology to be drowned in. Nah uh. Not me and my screwed up brain. I just sit here and type type type away.

And while I'm typing about typing, I'm wondering why I'm still typing. Which can't be a good sign. Coz I recognize the problem, but this don't look like ahm doin' anythin' about it. Sigh. Ooooh my results are so screwed. And uh.. is it just me or am I saying screwed a lot more than usual? Hm..

Oh, allow me one tiny Malaysian Idol gripe... ARGH! I cannot cannot believe that Trish was voted off instead of Xerra or Nita!!!!! That is just ... STUPID. She was the best of the 3! Well, overall, anyway. Xerra can't sing, Nita is _____ blah. And Ejay over Atilia?! Oh boy. Gimme a break. [BTW, I reserve the right to gripe as I voted for both Trish and Atilia (more for the latter)].

What's UP with people? Can't they hear? Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Okay, so I'm happy that we still have eye candy for this week's Specs, but I never wanted it to be at the expense of two of the better singers in the comp. [Oh, and I didn't vote for Ash. Just so you know.] Sigh. Bleedin' popularity contest. I sincerely hope those who vote feel they're getting their money's worth! Gah.

I think I have to learn blog under heading. And stick to it. Coz my posts are pretty scre... messed up. [I shall NOT say screwed again. I shall NOT say screwed again. I shall NOT...] "A big mumbling, bumbling mess" - to sort of quote Mr. Paul Moss. The only one with his ears screwed on right last Friday. Gah.

I think I'll shut up now. I should stop griping too. It's not good for health. Your health at least. I'm so depressing. Yes. I did mean that like it sounded. I am not depressed. Not yet anyway. Thursday, if we get back some results, I might be. Hehe. Or then again, maybe not. Coz I'm usually not the kind to expect more than I worked for. Which is uh... nothing. So.. there you go.

Only one thing can make me depressed. And I hereby vow that I SHALL NOT GO THERE.

Thank you. God bless me. Oh. And you too.