*sigh*

Every once in awhile the feeling of "if only..." tends to sneak up on me, and tonight it's doing a fine job.

I guess the melancholy is more down to the fact that I've never really known what it's like. Partially my fault for being so damn picky, but yea. It's not that I'm unhappy. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone to call or think about, to do stuff with, to rant to...

Mmm... I shall let myself indulge a bit more and then snap myself out of it. Thank goodness that typically isn't a hard thing to do :)

Break!

I just realized a possible reason why my taste has been so... eclectic.

The similarity theory apparently holds very true with me.

Geeks = attractive because me = geek.

Sigh.

Pumpkin soup with basil and cherry tomatoes + whole grain bread = a better meal than I expected :)

Okay, it's back to reading about the cerebellum I go!

"Little brain". How apt.

A Dream

Oh, to spend the day in a quiet bookstore with a steaming cup of coffee, rain beating down outside the window as I lose myself in the world my imagination constructs with the aid of the book in my hands..

I can almost get a whiff of the wonderful smell of freshly brewed coffee mingling with the distinctly comforting scent of books, both old and new, and the freshness of the rain soaked air as the door opens every now and again to admit a slightly bedraggled customer or two.

A proper, quaint little book cafe, filled with books from wall to wall. Oh, to spend a quiet evening in such a place!

But for now,... I dare only dream.

Maybe...

Maybe one day
You will open your eyes and see
That what you hold in your hands
Without even knowing
Was always yours
Freely given
But fragile, even so

Maybe one day
You will open your eyes and see
That you never really had to
Search far and wide
Always looking for a sign
All you really had to do
Was open your eyes and see

Passion need not be all flame
Love need not always be a whirlwind
A gentle touch, a tender word
A light that shines
Constant and true in the darkest night

Maybe one day
You will open your eyes and see
That the promise of forever
Is standing right here
Heretofore, unseen

*love*

In 1993...

So many wonderful memories... So much love :) These are the three most important people in my life -- have been and always will be. It took me some time to truly appreciate their value, but now I know that in spite of the ups and downs, nothing can ever take the place of the love of my family.

15 years later...:)

And So...

I haven't slept so much in such a long time. It feels good to be able to close my eyes and relax as I listen to the rain pour down outside my bedroom window. It's been so long since relax has even been part of my vocabulary. "Chill-ax" has been more the thing since all we've been doing is work and even the most even tempers get frayed.. :)

I've been given a lot to think about these past couple of days and I have to admit I'm afraid. But there's no place for fear in this world, is there? The only way to win is to go ahead and try. What may seem like an easy thing for some people is daunting for me and I will need to dredge up some inner source of strength to keep myself from finding an excuse to bolt in the opposite direction. Because scared or not, I need this. More to the point, I actually WANT to do it. And as much dissonance as that creates, I'm sure enough of myself now to recognize fear for what it is and all I have to do is steel myself to face it.

On a happier note, the holidays are drawing near and an interesting but horribly emotionally taxing semester is almost at a close... Time does fly, huh? I hope the next semesters bring a little less drama and controversy but that's a very unlikely dream in my world :) Oh well, I can't say as I haven't had any fun in spite of all the American high school drama type nonsense that was floating around for a bit. Sometimes all you can do in the face of idiocy is find its funny side and laugh.

The beginning of 2009 has been eventful... I wonder what the rest of the year will bring...

Tell Me Why Love Story Is So Hard To Forget! :(

I can't believe I've had two teeny bopper songs stuck in my head the past few days!

On the one hand, lil Archie's warbling "Tell me whhhyyyy you're so hard to forget..." and on the other, Taylor Swift's singing the strangest lyrics a girl her age could sing: "Marry me Juliet, you'll never have to be alone..."

I swear to you, it's the strangest combination of sounds ever. And to make things worse, I start singing along to my own version of Sweet Sixteen FM -- in baby tones, no less!

Why oh why can't I get a cool song stuck in my head for once? Then maybe I wouldn't annoy the people around me by singing the same old lines over and over again like a kid out of Barney.

Hmph.

I Want...

To dance under the stars, twirling and laughing in his arms... To watch the sun rise with my head on his shoulder, fingers entwined... To walk along the shore, listening to the music of the waves... To enjoy a moving melody, or a beautiful composition with him... To talk the night away, without noticing the time go by... To laugh and cry without fear of recrimination... To just be, even in silence, knowing that sometimes mere presence is comfort enough... To love, and to be loved in return.

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? You know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

It's my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Sidenote

How does a person get so wise?

I am in awe.

Baby brother's all growed up.

Sniffles.

OMG We Did It!

Woohoo! Look at us! :D

Hahahaha I actually managed to complete the trekathon in one piece! Yay for the couch potato! :) Even better: we ended up being in the top 15 for our faculty, which means I actually got a GOLD medal out it for the women's team prize *roflmao* A funnier thing has never happened to me. But it was overall a fun experience and I'm glad I did it, and not just coz I got a medal :P Actually doing something like this with other students from the department was sweet -- I love the team spirit and togetherness that's there when we're all working together for something. It's one of the things I miss most about high school -- cheering our team on :) Then again, I'm a sentimental fool most of the time, so... Hehe. But I loved today. It was one of the best days of the year thus far :)

BPsych -- We are the champions! :)

Mmm..

Songs have more power to make me cry than any book or movie I'll ever see. Music has the power to move me like nothing else can. A good melody reaches deep within me and curls itself around my heart until all I can feel is the music moving into my very soul. I don't even want to comprehend a life without music. It would be too bleak to even imagine.

.....

I have to laugh. I don't know how a human can be an inhibitor, but jeeez, this has gone far enough. There is no point in wanting something that only ever makes you feel like less than you really are.

Lalalala....:)

Today made me realize how much I miss those random choir competitions back in high school. More to the point, I miss the MGS choir! 5 years of hard work and fun, friendships formed and kept, skipping class to train, learning to train ourselves after our instructor met with an accident -- funnily enough, we did the best in the year we had no trainer -- won 2 district competitions and placed 3rd in the state championships. Not a bad haul for a self-taught choir, I have to say :) Sigh.. Memories! Even the awful uniforms now seem like an adorable quirk that was part and parcel of the MGS choir. It's been years and yet I can still remember the camaraderie, the fights, the horrible clashing notes, and then that moment when we finally get it right and everything falls into place... ah, magic! The feeling is indescribable! I miss that so so so much. I just wish we could find some semblance of that in the HELP choir -- it really would make a whole lot of difference!

Haha, but it has to be said, though -- the judges at the UM competition today were hilariously similar to the ones who judged the district and state choir competitions: they focused on so many trivial things while judging! It's a CHOIR competition, for crying out loud! It's the singing that should matter, not the uniforms or the way they were moving. Fair enough to penalize them if it affected the overall presentation, but if it didn't, it's fairly ridiculous to give the award to another, slightly worse choir, whose only saving grace was that they didn't take risks trying to make their performance interesting. Meh. Still rather geram about that bit. Hee!

Oh well.. I'm so happy I went to see that competition today, though. It's made me remember just how much I love singing in a choir, and what it's like to be part of a choir that can actually enter and do well in competitions. Ooooh, fingers crossed we'll get to that point while I'm still in uni to see it happen! :)

Hmm...

Haha, have you ever obsessed about something so much just to suddenly realize how absolutely pointless it was to? It's funny, now that I think of it, that no matter what I do now, there's one obstacle that isn't going away, even if the outcome is favorable. And this is the one obstacle I'm most afraid of...

Life is funny, isn't it? Is there such a thing as pointlessness? Or do we have to give everything a shot anyway, regardless of an almost inevitable outcome?

Something to think about.

Random Thoughts

**Warning: Super-emo post coming up!! Read at own peril :)**

I wanna know your dreams and make them mine... ~ Julio Iglesias

How often do we want to be understood yet fail to try to understand? Why is love now all about how you make me feel? We all have so much to give yet get so caught up in the taking. I want to be able to see the person, not the image. Know the man behind the mask. Laugh with him, cry with him, dream with him. Just as much as I want him to do the same with me. Not for me, with me. Being equal doesn't mean being just as good as each other at everything, at least not for me. It's about mutual recognition of the strengths and weaknesses we both have, of respect, of knowing that we both don't HAVE to be here, we choose to be. Understanding that by loving him, I give him the power to hurt me, but also realizing that I hold his heart in my hands. But if he does not want what I have to offer... loving him means letting him go so that he can find the one who really makes his heart soar. Love can be as painful as it is beautiful, yet if we really look, it is in the pain that its beauty really shines. Love me or don't, but know this: I would give you all I can and more.

Mini-Break :)

I have to take my mind off Parkinson's for awhile. The words are starting to blur together and my mind is definitely rebelling at the number of chemical names I've read in the past week. Chemistry and me never quite got along, although I always managed to somehow do right by it in the end :)

Moving on...

The past few weeks have been quite surreal. It felt good to finally be able to speak about my fears, to finally trust enough to let that part of me be seen. I'm slowly starting to realize that there's no shame in weakness, provided you don't let it hold you back. Then again, it has to be said that some fears are stronger than others, and some falls too scary to risk. For the moment, at least.

I'm taking baby steps. It isn't easy but it's... freeing. And as soon as I stop trying to measure up to other people's standards, I'll be back on track again. Here's to me sticking to my resolutions this time!

And as for the rest of it...

Now, if only that epitome of cluelessness would see fit to pull off the blinders, then maybe things'll start to get exciting around here!! ;)

Pedestals

They aren't healthy, pedestals. They dehumanize people. It doesn't matter how extraordinary someone is, they're still human. It's tough to remember that sometimes. Question is, why is it that some people have the power to hold you mesmerized? To drive out all semblance of intelligent thought and leave you with a self-inflicted psychological barrier that blocks the real you and projects a rather dull carbon copy version, instead. It's frustrating, to say the least. Especially when something happens that SHOULD knock 'em off, and you still keep pushing them back up there... Hooo boy. Always, always, asking for trouble.

...

It's funny, the way life works. Unexpected things with unexpected results... Sometimes a lot of good can come out of something that seems bleak. It doesn't pay to have a negative outlook. It's normal to worry and wonder and even feel a little down sometimes, but it doesn't really have to go beyond that in most cases. I've learned over the past few months that emotions - both positive and negative - should never be taken for granted. It's so easy to go through life saying I'm happy or mad or sad, but never actually take the time to feel those emotions. Ever had periods on in your life where there was only numbness? It's one of the most disconcerting things ever.

!~!~!~!

Drowning. Slowly. The walls I've put up are as much a prison as they are a sanctuary. I don't know how to bring them down again.

Tempting, so tempting to just allow the waters to close in on me.

It takes more, so much more than I am capable of. Maybe I once was.... Now, I would rather just walk away.