Um...

Have you ever missed someone so much that it becomes an ache that refuses to go away, no matter what you do to distract yourself? Even when you know that it's simply circumstances and nothing more, you can't help but wish things were different, that you were more capable of changing those circumstances. And then it hits you that you're powerless... no matter what you do, how much effort you put it, there is only so much you can do. The feeling of impotence is overwhelming. But you can't regret anything because, despite the pain, every little bit of joy is worth it. Every smile, every shared moment... Then you realise you'd endure anything - anything at all, the uncertainty, the doubts, the worry.. everything, if only to have the complete happiness of being with the very same person you miss as you've never missed anyone or anything before.

Love Of My Life

I am amazed
When I look at you
I see you smiling back at me
It's like all my dreams come true

I am afraid
If I lost you (girl)
I'd fall through the cracks
And lose my track in this crazy lonely world

Sometimes it's so hard to believe
When the nights can be so long
And faith gave me the strength
And kept me going on

You are the love of my life
And I'm so glad you found me
You are the love of my life
Baby put your arms around me
I guess this is how it feels
When you finally find something real
My angel in the night
You are my love
The love of my life

Now here you are
With midnight closing in
You take my hand as our shadows dance
With moonlight on your skin

I look in your eyes
I'm lost inside your kiss
I think if I'd never met you
About all the things I'd missed

Sometimes it's so hard to believe
When a love can be so strong
And faith gave me the strength
And kept me holding on

You are the love of my life
And I'm so glad you found me
You are the love of my life
Baby put your arms around me
I guess this is how it feels
When you finally find something real
My angel in the night
You are my love
The love of my life

~ Jim Brickman and Michael W Smith~

Cuzzies!

I was just going through some of the pictures of my cousins, it suddenly struck me again that I love the lot of them to bits! I really do... Nearly all the best times in my life have been experienced with them, right there in the thick of it all. They've given me my best memories... There is no possible way that I could EVER forget just how much they mean to me!

Vin, Su, Yin, Ting, Sheryll, Jono...

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!

Thank You, Jesus!

I just got the best Christmas present ever.

I PASSED MY GRADE EIGHT PIANO EXAM!!!!!!!!!!!

WooohoOoOOo!!!

I don't have to learn a whole new bunch of excruciatingly difficult pieces, and I can just lepak next year! (At least when it comes to the piano...)

I just know one thing for sure... I didn't do this on my own. I have the God who, inexplicably, seems to come through for me every time, to thank.

As usual, I don't expect to get anything based on my performance, but He throws me a curveball every time and lets me know that even if everyone else fails me (including myself), He's always there.. and He won't ever let me down.

So yes... A very big THANK YOU to my Lord and Saviour, for never giving up on me, and being there for me when no one else is. Even those who say they love me.

Would NEVER have been able to pass without you.

Thank you, Jesus!

O Christmas, Wherefore Art Thou?

2 days to Christmas.

Somehow, this time, it feels just like any other weekend of any other month. There isn't that tingle of excitement I always get whenever Christmas is 'round the corner.

Sandy was right in a way.... As we get older, we get so caught up in the technicalities of Christmas (buying, baking, cooking..) that we actually forget to enjoy the season and it becomes just another bit of work to do.

I used to enjoy decorating the house. Now it feels more like housework. Or maybe that's coz if Yin hadn't been here, I'd have been doing the decorating alone. Which, frankly, isn't how the other Christmases used to be.

My tree now is pretty well decorated (if a little senget .. lol), but it doesn't have the charm of the trees that David and I used to painstakingly decorate as kids. Those trees were a mishmash of the oddest coloured decorations and moulting Santas, but there was a whole lot of enthusiasm behind 'em, and somehow the tree took on the sense of that and came alive!

Oh I know that sounds absurd, but to me, if everyone pitches in at Christmas, and we work together to bring in the season, then it becomes all that much better. Doing it alone somehow just makes it dull, lifeless almost.

I just want Christmas to have that spark again, that feeling of wide-eyed wonder. I miss it so much, that child-like anticipation while waiting for midnight on Christmas day.

All my life I've wanted to grow up - now that I have, I wish it hadn't happened so fast.

*sighs*

I hate feeling insecure. I absolutelye do. I hate it even more when I have no reason to be.

*smacks self on head*

Why do I allow myself to give in to these negative feelings anyway? No matter how I remind myself of certain things, I can't help but feel like I'm fighting a losing battle...

But 10 minutes later I perk up again and become all optimistic.

Sigh.

I should be WAY past (or still a loooong way from) the age where such crazy mood swings are a common part of life. But god.. sometimes it's hard not to doubt my sanity. Like, why do I do this to myself?

In my head I understand there are reasons.

My heart, however, is terrified beyond belief that it's being set up to being broken again.

Even if that isn't true, it's a hard feeling to get over. I'm trying though, I really am.

Maybe I've just got to try a little harder.

It's OVER!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. It's officially a week since The Ordeal, and I've been living the life of a SLOB ever since.

Sigh.

Ooh. Don't get me wrong, I'm thoroughly enjoying every second. Sleeping in, watching TV, reading all my hopelessly fluff-y, but completely entertaining collection of mindless romance novels.. And best of all - DUMPING MY SCHOOL BOOKS!!!! :D

WoooOooOohOoooO!

Okay, so I didn't exactly dump them. I packed 'em up. To give 'em to people whom I hope will make better use of them than I did. Actually, who'll make use of them, period. Hehe.

The funny thing is, I don't feel the same kind of nostalgia I did when I finished Form 5. Oh, I miss my friends, all right.. But I think it has more to do with the fact that I had absolutely no interest in the subjects I was learning. So finishing these exams were more of an un-loaded burden than anything else. It's hard to feel nostalgic about something you loathed, I guess.

No real after STPM list.. Except, maybe to:

1. Enjoy myself as much as I possibly can
2. Bake some cookies
3. Watch Gerard Butler in action as soon as The Game Of Our Lives hits the cinemas (old addictions die hard, I guess... hehe)
4. Figure out exactly what I'm gonna be sending Sandy (bit of a dilemma here coz I want it to be special!)
5. Have sleepovers with the Insanely Saners and Lim cousins. On separate days, o'course!
6. Catch up with Ee May. Haven't seen her in months.. Not a cool thing to happen, I assure you!
7. Get a job in a kindy in January! Can't wait for that one, either! :)

Okay, that's about the extent of my list at the moment. Pretty short, eh? There was so much more that I wanted to do after SPM.. Now, it just doesn't seem to matter anymore that I don't have all that much to do. In fact, it feels awesome!!! :)

All righty then! I shall leave before I write a novel.

Have a good one, you guys!

Thank God I Found You!

I know I usually write a whole lot about my crushes, and my sad (lack of) love life.. And I realise I haven't said much about it lately. That's probably because I've finally found something too special to put into words - so much so I can't even begin to try. But it's time I acknowledge it, coz he's too big a part of my life for me not to.

I think this song says a lot of what I can't always find the words for.. Y'know my penchant for digging up lyrics, don't ya, Mr. C? ;) I only put up the chorus coz it really all boils down to this.. And I think you know what I mean :)

[You can tease me about it later, but I just had to do this :P My god, I can't believe I just gave you permission to make fun of me! *shakes head sadly at self* Girl, you're goin' nutsier everyday!]

Okay, I'll stop now.

Anyway, Sandy.. This is for you.

Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
My every wish and every dream
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight
Completed my whole life
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
Cause baby I'm so thankful
I found you

And It's Finally Here...

All the best to all you guys who'll be sitting for the SPM/STPM exams..!!

3 days to D-Day.

God help me.

Another I.S. Birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNA!!

The Queen is officially 19, everybody! Three cheers for Jen Jen!

I hope you had a great day, girl.. Your present's on the way, and if it's possible, I'll take you out soon for a lil food binge and a long chat, aye? ;)

I love you, girlie! And I know loads of people out there do, too!

Have an awesome year, okay? I know you will.. Somehow!

*BIG HUGS* Toodles, darling.. See you soon!

Eyeing the Storm

I love thunderstorms.

The crash of the rolling thunder, the streaking of lightning across the sky, the sound and smell of the falling rain...

I could just sit by the window and look out at it for hours.

There's just something so majestic yet surprisingly peaceful about a thunderstorm. It clears my head, makes me feel comforted that there are still some things in this world whose beauty man cannot sully. Nothing can shatter the truly spectacular wonder of a storm.

And if the lightning these days wasn't so dangerous, I would be out there, dancing in the rain. Believe me, there is nothing so cleansing, or so freeing.

If only I could be out there... I wish I could.

An Old Questionnaire..

I am experiencing a bad case of writer's block, so I'm doing an old quiz that we DEDS came up with in 2002 to.. well, try and find out "info" about a certain someone! :)

Describe yourself in three words:
Crazy reclusive dreamer :)

Bad habit:
Thinking too much about things I can't change.

Rule of Life:
If you want something done well, do it yourself. I've had waaay too much experience with people doing stuff sloppily coz they just can't be bothered. I hate that!

Phrase that you use often:
Oh my lord in heaven!!!

If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?
A horse! Haha.. Coz my dad says I look like one when I run. Sigh. Is that a compliment, folks? Is it? Hah. Didn't think so.

Dream house:
Someplace quiet, surrounded by lots of trees.. It doesn't have to be big. Just really cozy. Nothing like the modern, glass and steel houses these days. I prefer the old-fashioned, woodsy types.

Most embarrassing moment:
EXPO 2001!!! Haha.. How the hell does one win a singing competition with a song like "I Cry"? *shakes head sadly* But I don't regret it.. it was quite an experience!

Rule of Love:
Hold nothing back. There is no point loving if you can't love with all your heart. The one you love deserves at least that much!

What would you most like people to know about you?
That I AM NOT SCARY! *growls* Haha. I'm really not. I'm actually really shy... That's why I don't mix too well with people I don't know. Honest!

How would your mum and dad describe you?
They call me "Chip" - y'know, the little teacup in Disney's Beauty and the Beast? Apparently I always seem to want to know what's going on! Hehe..

What's your earliest childhood memory?
Running away from home when I was 3! Three! Lol. I still have no clue how I came up with THAT idea, but I really did pack my little bag and walk out. 'Course, I couldn't go far.. coz I didn't know how to cross the road! :)

Are you a good judge of character?
I think so.. most of the time, anyway.

Are you romantic?
Oh, totally. But only with the right person.

What do you look for in a boyfriend?
You want the full list? Haha.. I thought not. Basically just that he loves me... I believe that if he does, he'll naturally be loyal, understanding, respect me, the whole nine yards.

What do you think of your singing abilities?
I can keep a tune. That's about the kindest thing I can say.

How good-looking do you think you are?
Oh I'm gorgeous! Heehee. I'm okay la.. Not ugly, but no supermodel either! (Could lose some weight though.. Sigh.)

Who was the last person you hugged?
My mummy! :)

What makes you smile?
My little cousins, talking to the IS-ers and my cousins, certain memories, daydreaming about a certain someone.. :)

When did you last bawl your eyes out?
Um.. Wednesday night? Lol. I seem to be "bawling my eyes out" a lot these days. Stress wei!

When did you learn about the birds and the bees?
I can't remember. In fact, I don't even remember HOW I found everything out!

Describe your bedroom.
It's big and bright, got a queen-sized bed, loads of space, all table tops and shelf tops are covered with books and notes,and I have the messiest dressing table in the history of mankind.

What's your most treasured possession?
My photo albums. They're full of very precious memories!

What do you worry about the most?
Exams!!!! And how I'm gonna get permission to travel someday...

When did you last totally lose your temper?
Wow. Um.. Quite some time ago. I get angry, but I haven't "totally" lost my temper in ages. Yay me!

What's your idea of a romantic evening?
A picnic on a deserted beach, just the two of us, then lying in each others arms while watching the sunset and listening to the waves. Top it off with a slow dance under the moonlight to the sound of the waves and him singing in my ear.. *sighs dreamily* Well, a girl can dream! :)

When You Say You Love Me

My favourite Josh Groban song.. It reminds me of someone very very special. You know who you are ;)

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breath.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth ,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment, I know why I'm alive

When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?

"I Want A Doggy!!!"*

*2-year-old Elaine, and Elaine every year since! :)

After spending time with Hugo the Gorgeous Golden Retriever today, I have made a decision:

I AM GONNA GET MYSELF A DOG!

Either a Lab or Golden Retriever.

Heck, I've always wanted one. Ever since I could talk. (I wanted a horse once, too.. but a terrace house is a tad impractical for horse rearing. Sigh. Blame it on Enid Blyton!!!!)

Unfortunately, I'll have to wait til I get a place of my own. Sigh. Coz fur aggravates my dad's asthma, and I can't have one at my aunt's place coz she has two chihuahuas. Who seem to think they're the size of St. Bernards, the way they act around bigger dogs. That is, until the dog in question decides to attack. Hehe.

Yeah, so all things considered, I'll have to wait a few more years before I can get myself my own dog. Argh! You'd think 19 years was a long enough wait. Sigh.

Oh well. All I can hope for now is that, if I ever get married, the guy will like dogs, be non-asthmatic, and have no dog-related allergies.

Phew.

Well, here's hoping!

Success..

I got this from A Joke A Day.. And it meant an awful lot to me coz it addresses a few of the struggles that I've been going through lately. People have been telling me more or less the same thing, but this feels like something of a confirmation, y'know? So I decided to share it with you guys...

YOU ARE A SUCCESS..
* WHEN you clearly understand that failure is an event, not a person - that yesterday ended last night, and today is a brand new day.
* WHEN you know that a success (a win) doesn't make you and that a failure (a loss) doesn't break you.
* WHEN you have made friends with your past, are focused on the present, and are optimistic about your future.
* WHEN you are filled with faith, hope, and love and live without anger, greed, guilt, envy, or thoughts of revenge.
* WHEN you are mature enough to delay gratification and shift your focus from your rights to your responsibilities.
* WHEN you know that failure to stand for what is morally right is the prelude to becoming a victim of what is criminally wrong.

YOU ARE A SUCCESS...
* WHEN you are secure in who you are, so you are at peace with your Creator and in fellowship with others.
* WHEN you have made friends of your adversaries and have gained the love and respect of those who know you best.
* WHEN you understand that others can give you pleasure but that genuine happiness comes when you do things for others.
* WHEN you give hope to the hopeless, love to the unlovable, and are pleasant to the grouch, courteous to the rude, and generous to the needy.
* WHEN you can look back in forgiveness, forward in hope, down in compassion, and up with gratitude.
* WHEN you know that the greatest are those who choose to be servants of all.
* WHEN you recognize, confess, develop, and use your given physical, mental, and spiritual abilities for the benefit of others.

YOU ARE A SUCCESS when you know that you have been a good and faithful servant of the Creator of the universe.

Frus-nya!! :(

I used to be able to write down how I feel pretty accurately. The words were able to come out. Now they're only stuck up in my head, refusing to string themselves together into anything remotely coherent.

Sigh.

Could it also be that what I'm feeling cannot be described adequately? I've been searching and searching for a way to put it all down. It's frustrating feeling a certain way and not ever being able to describe it!

At least, it's frustrating to me. I always prided myself on my ability to express myself through my writing. Now.. Wooh. I seem to have lost THAT ability, along with quite a number of significant ones. Like the fact that my "memory of an elephant" has metamorphosised into the memory of good ol' Dory.

Double triple quadruple sigh.

On the bright side, though, what I'm feeling isn't negative. (If you ignore the frustration it creates.) For the first time in a long long time I'm not unhappy. Nor am I indifferent. I'm actually feeling HAPPY.

It's a good feeling, folks. That's why I'm so anxious to capture it. So that one day, when I'm feeling down, I can go back and read it and know that it's not impossible to feel true happiness. That it isn't some illusion I created in my head. Memories can be deceiving - that's why having tangible proof that I could feel like this is so important to me.

I don't ever want to forget.

Ah.. Another Nice One!

I found another song I like! Woohoo.. There's another Clay Aiken one I like too, but I'll post that one up later.

When I See You Smile - Bad English (covered by Clay Aiken)

Sometimes I wonder how I'd ever make it through
Through this world without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue
'Cos sometimes it seems like
This world's closing in on me
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright
Everything's alright

When I see you smile
I can face the world
You know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
I see it shining right thru the rain
When I see you smile
Baby when I see you smile at me

Baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew
And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it
'Cos you're here with me now
And one look at you baby
Is all I'll ever need
It's all I'll ever need

When I see you smile
I can face the world
You know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
I see it shining right thru the rain
When I see you smile baby
Baby when I see you smile at me

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
Then one look at you baby
And everything's alright
Everything's alright
So right

When I see you smile
I can face the world
You know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
I see it shining right thru the rain
When I see you smile
I can face the world
You know I can do anything
When I see you smile
Baby when I see you smile
Smile at me

12 Things Elaine Has Recently Learned

Just some random stuff I've picked up on over the last week or so... Hehe.

1. Customer service people make stressful customers. At least, a certain stewardess does! *grins at Su* Poor Kenny Roger's waiter was probably cursing us! Oh well.. I suppose when you give good service, you expect it!

2. Teng Teng's prayers are super powerful - that lazy "lil" kid didn't wanna go to Gasing Hill for jogging yesterday.. And guess what. It thunderstorm-ed just as we were about to leave! Dang! I really have to get her to pray for my STPM.. Sure ace it one! Haha!

3. Trying to make pancakes shaped like anything other than pancakes is not a good idea. They tend to end up un-eatable. Sigh. But they looked good though!!! (Although my "E" kinda ended up looking like an "M". Oh well.. I've never claimed to be artistic!)

4. It isn't a good idea to put baby brothers in charge of carrying A&W Root Beer floats. Especially one you've been craving for all day. They tend to end up on the floor of the car. *sighs mournfully*

5. I am officially the official mosquito restaurant of the house. My legs look like I've got some kind of scary disease! Ugh! *grumbles* Bloody blood suckers. Hmph.

6. American high school movies ala American Pie are nothing but exercises in lame-ity. Just like that word was. Also an excuse for some rather sad excuses of thespians to flaunt their - better assets. Which in this instance definitely doesn't include the mind.

7. It's nice being almost the same size as my mother. I don't have to pack so many clothes when I go back to Klang! Yay! (Plus mum has a few tees that are nicer than mine... Hehe.)

8. Westlife's coming out with a new album! Yiiiipppeeeee! *jumps up and down screaming hysterically* Um. Right.

9. It is not a good idea to mix Dewar's, Smirnoff and Tiger. One tends to find one's self in an alternate reality. Where one's only concern is the location of one's handphone. And cursing said handphone when intended callee doesn't pick up. Even when one knows that there's a perfectly valid reason for that.

10. The Cousins are planning a loooong sleepover! WooOooHoooO! It's about time is al I have to say!

11. I haven't got any books with substance to read. None. Therefore I am stuck reading Enid Blyton's Famous Five books. For the 3568713268th time. And heck.. I'm actually enjoying them immensely! (She does tend to make me hungry though.. Sigh.)

12. High School Musical was actually kinda nice. I liked the choreography... and one song. Although I can't remember what it's called at this present moment in time. It'll probably get stuck in my head once I do, though. Argh in advance!

Okay. I'm done!

INSANELY SANERS ALERT!

This post is just for the Insanely Saners.. I guess only they will know what I'm talking about anyway. I don't have time to write anything right now, so... I'll do that soon, though, I promise!!

IS-ers... The Official Noticeboard's back up! I've already posted something, which I REALLY need your feedback on. I know Ee May has news, and Jen, too. And Jules.. you SO need to update us properly on your life!

Anyway, it'd be cool if you guys could go post stuff too! If you need the username and password, just let me know and I'll email 'em to you! :)

This way, we don't have to wait til we see each other online, coz at the rate our lives are going at the moment, those opportunities are gonna be few and far between!

I love you guys! And I miss you all so so so so much!

(Speaking of which.. Jen. We GOTTA plan a breakie date soon! I mean, hello! We're the only 2 still around, and we haven't seen each other in what, 2 months? Unbelievable! So.. yeah. Let me know when you're free, girl!!!! *hugs*)

The KLCC CWs!

Sharm, Steph and I went to KLCC on Tuesday to.. unwind. Okay, so I'm lying. We actually went there to - get this - eat! Haha! What, though, we didn't know. We ended up eating at the Manhattan Fish Market, and before you all go, "WHAT? ELAINE EATING FISH?!!!", I have to say I was pleasantly surprised, and the fish there actually tasted pretty damn good!

Anyway, after a stint at Starbucks (which we frequent like as if we're the daughters of Ringgit manufacturers), we went to our usual hang out, KLCC Park, to um.. there really is no better way to put this.. cam-whore. Haha!

Here are some of the pics taken.. and a couple taken at home! :)

My "twin" and I.. Um. That's the opinion of others, NOT our own! Does anyone see the resemblance? (Other than in choice of clothes colours la!!)

What ya starin' at? Eh? Don't you be messin' with us, or we'll.. we'll.. take a picture with you!

Chillin' on the grass (to borrow a Stephy phrase *winks*).. This was after we were turned into the equivalent of a flower garden by a couple of Bangladeshi tourists! Haha.. Oh God's punishing us for our cam-whoric ways!!

Lyin' on the grass at KLCC Park.. The things that we do for pictures! *shakes head sadly*

The three 87'ers! I love my two big "sisters" so so so much!!! We do have the strangest, funnest times, don't we girls? :)

Back home, in front of Aunty Ivy's flower cart thing! There are ORCHIDS in it! ORCHIDS, I TELL YOU! :D