Change

Funny how life and priorities change, even after such a short time. In the space of a few months, everything can change. In a matter of days, even.

I'll never regret the stance I'm taking. Even when I'm tempted to give in, just to have something to dream about between classes or in bed at night, I'm reminded that I CHOSE this path for a reason. That I have a goal in mind and a life that I want to lead. Dreams are empty -- unless you possess the strength of will to do whatever it takes to achieve them. Sure, dreams CAN come true -- what they don't tell you, though, is the effort that goes into it, the sacrifice.

Am I capable of that? I'm beginning to think I am. This year alone I have walked away from so many things that I loved for the sake of the future I aspire to. And while I feel sad about leaving them behind, I know in my heart that I've done the right thing.

It'll be awhile before I am able to know if this particular dream will come true... but the journey, fraught with potholes but filled with the wonder and excitement of new discoveries, new limits, is more than enough for now. The realization of that dream will be the icing on the cake. And that folks, is why I am no longer following the road that paves most of my writings in this blog... No more. That stage of my life is over... It is now time to grow up.

The Dark

He still freaks me out. I can't look at his pictures without wanting to look away. It's really quite amazing how much of a psychological hold he has on me. And scary, too. But to act in a different manner around him would just alert others to the problem.. and I don't want that either. People choose whom and what they believe, regardless of truth, so I'm better off keeping mum on the subject. Tried once, failed miserably. Really - would you believe someone you've met only once over a friend? Doubtful. And that one fact of human nature has made certain that I can never, ever reveal what I know to be true.

-toolazytothinkoftitle-

As much as I might gripe about extraverted intuition - it looks like it's saved me once again. Of course, when I refuse to listen to it, I usually end up in a messy situation that I really could've done without. But this time I did - and boy, am I glad I did!

Moving on...

Lately I find myself becoming a lot more cutting and caustic. It isn't very pretty. I must say that I usually regret being such a bitch after the fact, but I'm finding it harder than usual to rein in my tongue. Really not a good thing, and I can't seem to pinpoint the reason for this seeming lack of self-control.

I'm allowing too many things to get to me. Worrying about things I shouldn't be worrying about in the first place is using up a lot of the energy I usually reserve for being patient with the people I care about.

Anyway, if any of you read this, and I've been particularly mean lately - please know that I'm sorry. I'm really going to try and stop being so sarcastic all the time. Hold me to it, will you?

But Wait, What If...

There are times when being so aware of the possibilities can be extremely annoying. Here I am, trying to read nonverbal cues, and all the while, my mind is churning up new ways to interpret them.

*pulls hair out*

Okay, so a big part of it is that I just want to be confident of something for once. My excitement is always tempered down by the realization that I could be completely misreading things. The point isn't whether I most probably am or not - it's simply this realization that pretty much dampens it for me.

It's funny.. I can give you about 10 different attributions for one simple act. Just one. And 9 out of 10 will be driving me crazy, because there usually is only one thing I want it to be attributed to, but my mind refuses to allow me even that one teeny luxury of being able to float on air.

However, as a defense mechanism against getting too hurt by my idealistic nature, this works perfectly. I have to say that much, at least. Pros and cons, people. Probably the one thing I'm reasonably good at determining.

Hooray for extraverted intuition.

If Looks Could Kill... Poor Laine Would Be Dieded.

It's bad enough when someone doesn't like you. But it's a whole lot worse when:

a) You don't know why
b) The person has never spoken to you in their entire life!

I would prefer it if they just came to me and yelled. Or something. At least I'd know if it's justified or not. Better yet, I'd be able to defend myself...

The random glares and sideways glances are seriously unnerving. Not an experience I'd wish on anyone, of that I can 100% assure you.

*shudders*

Here I Am ~ Leona Lewis

This is a crazy world
These can be lonely times
It's hard to know who's on your side
Most of the time

Who can you really trust
Who do you really know
Is there anybody out there
Who can make you feel less alone
Sometimes you just can't make it on your own

If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
Well I'll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, hmmm

If you have broken dreams
Just lay them all on me
I'll be the one who understands
So take my hand

If there is emptiness
You know I'll do my best
To fill you up with all the love
That I can show someone
I promise you you'll never walk alone

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
Well I'll always be your friend

When you need a shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am

Everybody needs somebody who
They can pour their heart and soul into

If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend

When you need a shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for the pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, Here I am

Of Lousy Thinkers and Mental Filters

I amaze myself sometimes. And not always in a good way. I never actually stop to think about a lot of what I do and say - some of which could potentially come back to bite me on my well-padded rear... That being said, I tend to make lousy decisions when I think too much, too.

So what is a girl to do? Be grateful for the fact that in big decisions, at least, I'm capable of making sound ones. It's the little things, the every day stuff that I completely suck at. You wouldn't know it to see me, but oh the evidence is there, all right!

.. Hm. It does rather seem that all I ever do is complain about myself, doesn't it? Well, I'm not entirely as bad as I make myself out to be. However, I do wish I had some sort of mental filter. To help me differentiate between the proper response (that won't get me an undesirable outcome) and the out-of-whack one (which leaves me absolutely no room for edging out of trouble). Sigh.

I made a boo boo on Tuesday. Unfortunately, it is one I won't be able to fix. All I can do is cross my fingers and hope it all turns out for the best. Woohoo.

Ketawa! KETAWA!!!! Hehehehehe.

Laughter is highly underrated. I've long discovered how laughing at even the most ridiculous things can turn my whole day around.

Sometimes it doesn't hurt to look silly - puts things in perspective when we can see just how pointless it is to take ourselves so seriously all the time :o)

PS: Am I allowed to be in love with Eddie Izzard? :D

Randomness At (Almost!) Dawn

It feels so good to be able to be awake at 4.47 a.m. and not have to worry about waking up an hour or so later to go to work *sighs happily* It's been a long time since I've been able to enjoy the silence and peace of this hour of the night... I've rather missed it, come to think of it.

The internship I did was really an experience to remember. Teaching and working with children is not the easiest thing to do, but I have got to say: I enjoyed every second! They were some of the most lovable kids I have ever met and I'm so proud to have come to know them.

I really am going to miss seeing those kids everyday. I'm going to miss their whining, complaining, fighting, crying .. everything! But most of all I'm going to miss their smiles, the way they'd talk to me about their lives, their fledgling relationships (so cute!!), the way the youngest boy always left what he was doing and ran to me when I arrived there each morning... God, I really will miss them!

There was so much untapped potential there - bright, eager boys who really just need the right opportunities, the right guidance. But that isn't easy to come by, unfortunately.. And their lives lack the continuity and stability children need in order to be able to grow and become all that they can be. This feeling of helplessness is really quite annoying .. there are times when I wish I wasn't a mere 1st going on 2nd year student. At this stage, pretty much all I can give them is time, patience and all the love that is in my heart to give.

If only that were enough.

Updates! :)

It just occurred to me as I was having my hair cut for the bazillionth time in my life that the hairdresser more or less commands our absolute trust. After all, they have the ability to make you look like a god(dess) or like something the dog dragged out of the drain. Frightening thought, actually. And I should know, having had my fair share of scrapes with hair massacre-rers. Thank goodness this time 'round my hair actually looks normal. I'm having a round of good luck this year with the species, and I'm infinitely grateful for that! :)

(And am I sounding more bimbotic by the second, or what? Haha!)

On a slightly more amusing note, it seems that the whole Anwar issue is so pervasive in Malaysian society that even the hairdresser aunty and her cronies are discussing it, albeit in Hokkien. Not that I understand much. But I did catch "BN hancur" in the conversation somewhere... Would've eavesdropped more, but it's a little bit pointless when you don't know the language from Swahili.

And finally, after 2 very long months, the 30 Hour Famine has come and gone - and been a huge success, if we do say so ourselves :) Everything went along well, with minor hiccups (to be expected with a crowd of over 500 people surviving only on mineral water) and there were some very good lessons to be learnt from it..

..Not least of which was that I now have infinite respect and admiration for all those people surviving famine, war and natural disasters. We had the luxury of looking forward to the glut of food available to us after the 30 hours, these people don't know if they'll even see their next meal. So while I'm quite pleased to find I can actually go that long without food, it's somewhat sobering to realize that what I have accomplished is nothing compared to what millions would consider a day in the life.

I'm just glad that the money we raised will be put to good use in lightening the load they have to carry everyday. If I'm proud of anything, it is that so many of us were willing to chip in and extend a hand to all those who do not have the luxuries we take for granted everyday. There's hope for humanity yet! :)

The requisite cam-whoring picture - taken sometime between registration and the opening ceremony.. Possibly even during! :)

The 500 ++ campers - can't help but feel very happy to be part of this crowd! They showed amazing spirit throughout the whole thing, and without their enthusiasm and active participation, I doubt it would've been the success that it was, so - a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped make HELP's 30 Hour Famine camp an experience to remember! :)

Just A Random Musing...

Just a thought after watching last night's top headline...

Would someone who can lie at such a potentially catastrophic level really fear God so much that he would be compelled to tell the truth just because he was swearing on a holy book?

Honestly, people, if someone's prepared to lie on such a grand scale, do you really think they would stop on account of swearing on a holy book?

Someone like that has already disregarded the laws of the God he professes to worship, in which case, his swearing on a holy book would be absolutely no grounds for determining his honesty.

If I'd already broken so many laws of my religion, really - what's one more?

Something to chew on as this saga continues...

Malacca Road Trip a.k.a the Food Binge :)

A picture chronology of how our first ever road trip together went - Malacca, 4th and 5th August, 2008 :)

The backpacker's we stayed at.. Had the wackiest owners, but they were a lot of fun :)

First stop: Jonker's for Chicken Rice Balls and Shopping!!! :)

The yummy, delicious, scrumptious, yummy chicken rice balls!! :)

And then on to terrorize shop keepers with, "No discount ah? Caaan la, aunty!!" :P

The colourful selection of mid-shopping fruit drinks we had a the Limau-Limau cafe..

Doing our bitchy model pose - the first time we ever got it right! :)

Of course, we had to make a stop at our favourite place in the world - the Jetty! :)

We look so happy.. Irony is that Vin was standing behind the camera going, "Laugh, people, LAUGH!" :P

SATAY CELUP!!!!!!!!!! No words. Absolutely no words. Aaahhhhhh... My mouth waters just thinking about it...

And no outing's complete without a little beer and fries.. At Geographers with Go Go Willie attempting to entertain in the background. Didn't quite succeed, poor thing.

Jonker on a week night... Spooky eh?

Day two - and we went in search of the best chi kueh ever made.. and found it too! :)

Had to make do with char koay teow as the char tao kueh man wasn't there :( Oh well.. better luck next time (Re: September!!! :P)

After breakfast, we went to Tengkera to seek out - lunch! Which was this gorgeous mee siam which tastes even better than it looks... we had nasi lemak and mee curry, too, but I don't have the pics of those yet..

... Oh, and let's not forget the pai tee! Which is only THE best I've ever tasted.. :) And this is one of the few times even I don't have to exaggerate :P

All in all.. it was a wonderful trip. It had all the elements of what makes a holiday fun - sun, sea, great food, awesome company, and lots and lots of laughter :) Here's to many more road trips - may they all be as fun as, if not more, than our first ever trip (alone!) to Malacca! :)

Words of Wisdom.. :)

These five quotes stood out for me today.. Just when I needed a morale boost :)

* If you want to be successful, it's just this simple: Know what you're doing. Love what you're doing. And believe in what you're doing.
- Will Rogers

* The people that get on in this world are the people that get up and look for the circumstances that they want; and if they can't find them, they make them.
- George Bernard Shaw

* The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

* The best way to predict the future is to create it!
- Jason Kaufmann

* The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself.
- Mark Caine

Muddled

Once again I have reached a stage in my life where I'm wondering whether I really have it as together as I actually wanted it to be at this stage of my life.. Academically, I seem to be doing fine on the surface but underneath it all is an uncertainty as to whether or not I'm actually prepared for what the working world will throw at me.

And in a profession whereby every decision I make could potentially impact another person's life, I HAVE to be accurate. There really is no room for error. I guess it's a good thing I'm realizing it while I still have time to do something about it... But at the same time, I'm also afraid that I'll never be good enough.

Sometimes I envy those people who are so sure of themselves and what they're doing. Certainty is something I'd do anything to have. But no matter how much I read, how much I think about something, I'm never certain because I'm so aware of the possibility that something could be wrong, no matter how small that possibility is.

It's probably why I'm always saying "I think" and "I guess" and "probably"... I'm very wary of saying something that people may interpret to be a finality because I know very well that it never is. At least, when I'm saying it. Although I suppose one could argue that that knowledge is a finality in and of itself...

Argh! Is there any wonder why I confuse myself all the damn time? *sigh* Oh well...

Interesting observation of the day: Caucs who live in Malaysia for a long time/grew up here have the STRANGEST accent. I really don't know how to describe it but, yea... It's strange :P

Will do a small Malacca update when I'm feeling less out of sorts. With a few pictures. Hehe... The BBC strikes again, baby! ;)

Unable to Think of Suitable Title :)

I'm exhausted. More than I've been in a very long time. A big part of it is mental, I think. That and the fact that it's slowly starting to dawn on me that I'm not going to be having anything remotely resembling a proper rest til December. Whoopdedoo.

My fault, really. I shouldn't have tried to squeeze so many things into this hols - although in my defense, one part was completely unintentional. The worst part is I don't have the energy at the end of the day to do much more than have a shower, check my email (on an extremely slow dial-up modem) and crash. So my plans for actually doing some constructive reading have been somewhat stunted - haven't been able to do all I planned to do this holidays (partially the fault of TMNet.. no Streamyx = too long to download journals - if I actually manage to sign in at all). On the bright side, I did finish the few books I intended to, so that's a bonus...

I don't know why I'm rambling on about all this stuff. I just feel like writing, I guess. I've always found it therapeutic to give my fingers free rein... although maybe the final result may not be anything worth reading :) I don't mind actually ... it'll give me something to laughingly cringe about in a few days, months, years...

Breathless by Shayne Ward has been blasting in my head for days now, annoying the hell out of me. "If we had babies they would have your eyes.. I would fall deeper watching you give life.." Well. I have gotta say - this song may probably hold some appeal for me when I'm in my late 20s or summat, but I tell ya - if someone sang that to me at this point in time, incredulous laughter would be the kindest reaction I can think of. So.. it's a potentially romantic song. For some. I think. And what is it with Brit males who sing in falsetto and life partners? Daniel Bedingfield sang a similarly creepy line in If You're Not The One... ".. then why do I dream of you - as my wife?" Um. Wooh. Nice.

Moving on to another Brit who has had a starring role in my mental jukebox lately - James Blunt. Only one song though, and thank GOD it's the only song by him that I like - Carry You Home. And as tribute to the fact that it's the only song in my mental jukebox currently that doesn't make me wish I had a mental off button as well, I shall post my favourite verse and the chorus. Rather fitting lyrics, actually.. Fitting what, though, will be knowledge for my mental knowledge bank only. Whatever a mental knowledge bank is. Goodnight all!

If she had wings she would fly away
And another day god will give her some
Trouble is the only way is down,down,down

As strong as you were
Tender you go
I'm watching you breathing for the last time
A song for your heart
But when it is quiet
I know what it means
I'll carry you home
I'll carry you home

Choirs and Angels :)

There are no words to describe how excited I am to be singing in a choir again :) There really are few things I enjoy more than that (as all my high school friends can readily attest to :P). Learning the score, fitting in the different parts, getting harmonies mixed up and having to relearn it, screwing up timing and having to start from scratch... All those make the experience all that much more interesting, annoying though they may appear to be.

But the crown jewel of it all has to be when finally, everything falls into place and everyone knows their part and are singing together in (almost! :P) perfect harmony. When what you hear is close enough to what you imagine it should sound like. When weeks of hard work all culminate into a masterpiece of sound.... Ah! There are very few things that stir the soul quite like human voices raised together in song :)

Well, in-tune song :P I do have my minor idiosyncracies and out-of-tune choirs/groups get to me almost as much as people who do vocal acrobatics without really having the ability to do it (I mean just those people who actually think they're good at it when they're not).

On another more random note - I just watched City of Angels, after years of wondering what it was about... And of course, ended up crying at how it all played out. I have to say that I can agree with his sentiment at the end - that having those few special moments with someone you truly love is worth all the pain that could potentially follow.

And I fell in love with Iris all over again.. It seems like my love affair with love songs of this sort will never end :)

Reminiscing...

What we had together was completely unexpected and yet so beautiful that even now I can't help wishing that it could have lasted. But I realize that I still love him, even though the capacity is no longer the same. And that I love him for more than what he's able to give me ... I love him for who he is, a man that I trust and respect, whom I'm comfortable with and whom I understand almost as well as he understands me. A man whom I can only see getting better with age and maturity. I can simply look at him and be happy that he's happy. And smile wistfully while the thought crosses my mind that it'd be a lucky woman who one day captures his heart. Although the memory of what we had still makes me feel like I've lost something very special, I'm still happy I have that much - and that the respect and affection I feel for him is mutual. But most of all I'm glad that he came into my life... because now I finally know what it means to love a man unconditionally :)

Just a Short Musing..

It hit me only recently just how different we are - especially in the way we approach the different facets of life. At first, I suppose that was part of the attraction, part of the initial appeal - that he had what I longed to have. But it's slowly dawning on me that if he intimidates me just by being who he is, no matter what happens, I won't be happy. Which is, quite frankly, a ridiculous way to live. It's difficult to remember your strengths when you're faced with a strong embodiment of your weaknesses.. and even harder to face those weaknesses when that embodiment happens to be one you respect and admire. So all things considered, I'm glad I gave myself a well-deserved kick in the rear. Sure will work to save my sanity in the long run. At least until I can be sure enough of who I am to face down that kind of certainty.

And if I have not made a lick of sense, forgive me. I shall endeavour to write something more coherent in the near future. :P

And So It Ends..

If the notion of Freudian slips is true, then my making one of the biggest ones of my life has led to my also being able to observe how quickly the mind works to reduce the dissonance…

Because of that single slip, I am now ready to close the door on that particular dusty little corner of my life. To leave this story unfinished, just as I have with every story I’ve ever written (save one).

My pride will not let me stoop any lower than I already have… and my mind has finally gotten through to my heart – it is not supposed to be like this. I am reminded of a promise I made to myself a long time ago – and this time, I intend to keep it.

-in the internet cafe-

Mm. It's been a long time since I've been blindsided by something that shouldn't really matter to me. Even though I'm probably reading way too much into the situation, I have to say - it's one of the biggest "ouches" I've experienced in a long, long time. That's what happens when you put too much stock into someone's opinion, I suppose...

It's funny how I get random flashes of how much I love the people in my life. I may not be the best at initiating contact, but I would go out of my way to meet them (barring parental disapproval, of course). I miss my cousins, I miss my friends - both high school and uni - and I miss my mum!!! A week without her is very lonely. I've probably just gotten too used to having someone to rant to in the evenings, and laugh with about random things that happened during the day... I'm just one of those really blessed children who have parents that can alternate smoothly between being a parent and a friend. And I have to say it again - I miss my mummy!! :'(

Strange how you can still feel like a child at 21... Parents do tend to have that effect, huh? :)