I Want...

To dance under the stars, twirling and laughing in his arms... To watch the sun rise with my head on his shoulder, fingers entwined... To walk along the shore, listening to the music of the waves... To enjoy a moving melody, or a beautiful composition with him... To talk the night away, without noticing the time go by... To laugh and cry without fear of recrimination... To just be, even in silence, knowing that sometimes mere presence is comfort enough... To love, and to be loved in return.

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? You know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

It's my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Sidenote

How does a person get so wise?

I am in awe.

Baby brother's all growed up.

Sniffles.

OMG We Did It!

Woohoo! Look at us! :D

Hahahaha I actually managed to complete the trekathon in one piece! Yay for the couch potato! :) Even better: we ended up being in the top 15 for our faculty, which means I actually got a GOLD medal out it for the women's team prize *roflmao* A funnier thing has never happened to me. But it was overall a fun experience and I'm glad I did it, and not just coz I got a medal :P Actually doing something like this with other students from the department was sweet -- I love the team spirit and togetherness that's there when we're all working together for something. It's one of the things I miss most about high school -- cheering our team on :) Then again, I'm a sentimental fool most of the time, so... Hehe. But I loved today. It was one of the best days of the year thus far :)

BPsych -- We are the champions! :)

Mmm..

Songs have more power to make me cry than any book or movie I'll ever see. Music has the power to move me like nothing else can. A good melody reaches deep within me and curls itself around my heart until all I can feel is the music moving into my very soul. I don't even want to comprehend a life without music. It would be too bleak to even imagine.

.....

I have to laugh. I don't know how a human can be an inhibitor, but jeeez, this has gone far enough. There is no point in wanting something that only ever makes you feel like less than you really are.

Lalalala....:)

Today made me realize how much I miss those random choir competitions back in high school. More to the point, I miss the MGS choir! 5 years of hard work and fun, friendships formed and kept, skipping class to train, learning to train ourselves after our instructor met with an accident -- funnily enough, we did the best in the year we had no trainer -- won 2 district competitions and placed 3rd in the state championships. Not a bad haul for a self-taught choir, I have to say :) Sigh.. Memories! Even the awful uniforms now seem like an adorable quirk that was part and parcel of the MGS choir. It's been years and yet I can still remember the camaraderie, the fights, the horrible clashing notes, and then that moment when we finally get it right and everything falls into place... ah, magic! The feeling is indescribable! I miss that so so so much. I just wish we could find some semblance of that in the HELP choir -- it really would make a whole lot of difference!

Haha, but it has to be said, though -- the judges at the UM competition today were hilariously similar to the ones who judged the district and state choir competitions: they focused on so many trivial things while judging! It's a CHOIR competition, for crying out loud! It's the singing that should matter, not the uniforms or the way they were moving. Fair enough to penalize them if it affected the overall presentation, but if it didn't, it's fairly ridiculous to give the award to another, slightly worse choir, whose only saving grace was that they didn't take risks trying to make their performance interesting. Meh. Still rather geram about that bit. Hee!

Oh well.. I'm so happy I went to see that competition today, though. It's made me remember just how much I love singing in a choir, and what it's like to be part of a choir that can actually enter and do well in competitions. Ooooh, fingers crossed we'll get to that point while I'm still in uni to see it happen! :)

Hmm...

Haha, have you ever obsessed about something so much just to suddenly realize how absolutely pointless it was to? It's funny, now that I think of it, that no matter what I do now, there's one obstacle that isn't going away, even if the outcome is favorable. And this is the one obstacle I'm most afraid of...

Life is funny, isn't it? Is there such a thing as pointlessness? Or do we have to give everything a shot anyway, regardless of an almost inevitable outcome?

Something to think about.

Random Thoughts

**Warning: Super-emo post coming up!! Read at own peril :)**

I wanna know your dreams and make them mine... ~ Julio Iglesias

How often do we want to be understood yet fail to try to understand? Why is love now all about how you make me feel? We all have so much to give yet get so caught up in the taking. I want to be able to see the person, not the image. Know the man behind the mask. Laugh with him, cry with him, dream with him. Just as much as I want him to do the same with me. Not for me, with me. Being equal doesn't mean being just as good as each other at everything, at least not for me. It's about mutual recognition of the strengths and weaknesses we both have, of respect, of knowing that we both don't HAVE to be here, we choose to be. Understanding that by loving him, I give him the power to hurt me, but also realizing that I hold his heart in my hands. But if he does not want what I have to offer... loving him means letting him go so that he can find the one who really makes his heart soar. Love can be as painful as it is beautiful, yet if we really look, it is in the pain that its beauty really shines. Love me or don't, but know this: I would give you all I can and more.

Mini-Break :)

I have to take my mind off Parkinson's for awhile. The words are starting to blur together and my mind is definitely rebelling at the number of chemical names I've read in the past week. Chemistry and me never quite got along, although I always managed to somehow do right by it in the end :)

Moving on...

The past few weeks have been quite surreal. It felt good to finally be able to speak about my fears, to finally trust enough to let that part of me be seen. I'm slowly starting to realize that there's no shame in weakness, provided you don't let it hold you back. Then again, it has to be said that some fears are stronger than others, and some falls too scary to risk. For the moment, at least.

I'm taking baby steps. It isn't easy but it's... freeing. And as soon as I stop trying to measure up to other people's standards, I'll be back on track again. Here's to me sticking to my resolutions this time!

And as for the rest of it...

Now, if only that epitome of cluelessness would see fit to pull off the blinders, then maybe things'll start to get exciting around here!! ;)

Pedestals

They aren't healthy, pedestals. They dehumanize people. It doesn't matter how extraordinary someone is, they're still human. It's tough to remember that sometimes. Question is, why is it that some people have the power to hold you mesmerized? To drive out all semblance of intelligent thought and leave you with a self-inflicted psychological barrier that blocks the real you and projects a rather dull carbon copy version, instead. It's frustrating, to say the least. Especially when something happens that SHOULD knock 'em off, and you still keep pushing them back up there... Hooo boy. Always, always, asking for trouble.

...

It's funny, the way life works. Unexpected things with unexpected results... Sometimes a lot of good can come out of something that seems bleak. It doesn't pay to have a negative outlook. It's normal to worry and wonder and even feel a little down sometimes, but it doesn't really have to go beyond that in most cases. I've learned over the past few months that emotions - both positive and negative - should never be taken for granted. It's so easy to go through life saying I'm happy or mad or sad, but never actually take the time to feel those emotions. Ever had periods on in your life where there was only numbness? It's one of the most disconcerting things ever.

!~!~!~!

Drowning. Slowly. The walls I've put up are as much a prison as they are a sanctuary. I don't know how to bring them down again.

Tempting, so tempting to just allow the waters to close in on me.

It takes more, so much more than I am capable of. Maybe I once was.... Now, I would rather just walk away.

Change

Funny how life and priorities change, even after such a short time. In the space of a few months, everything can change. In a matter of days, even.

I'll never regret the stance I'm taking. Even when I'm tempted to give in, just to have something to dream about between classes or in bed at night, I'm reminded that I CHOSE this path for a reason. That I have a goal in mind and a life that I want to lead. Dreams are empty -- unless you possess the strength of will to do whatever it takes to achieve them. Sure, dreams CAN come true -- what they don't tell you, though, is the effort that goes into it, the sacrifice.

Am I capable of that? I'm beginning to think I am. This year alone I have walked away from so many things that I loved for the sake of the future I aspire to. And while I feel sad about leaving them behind, I know in my heart that I've done the right thing.

It'll be awhile before I am able to know if this particular dream will come true... but the journey, fraught with potholes but filled with the wonder and excitement of new discoveries, new limits, is more than enough for now. The realization of that dream will be the icing on the cake. And that folks, is why I am no longer following the road that paves most of my writings in this blog... No more. That stage of my life is over... It is now time to grow up.

The Dark

He still freaks me out. I can't look at his pictures without wanting to look away. It's really quite amazing how much of a psychological hold he has on me. And scary, too. But to act in a different manner around him would just alert others to the problem.. and I don't want that either. People choose whom and what they believe, regardless of truth, so I'm better off keeping mum on the subject. Tried once, failed miserably. Really - would you believe someone you've met only once over a friend? Doubtful. And that one fact of human nature has made certain that I can never, ever reveal what I know to be true.

-toolazytothinkoftitle-

As much as I might gripe about extraverted intuition - it looks like it's saved me once again. Of course, when I refuse to listen to it, I usually end up in a messy situation that I really could've done without. But this time I did - and boy, am I glad I did!

Moving on...

Lately I find myself becoming a lot more cutting and caustic. It isn't very pretty. I must say that I usually regret being such a bitch after the fact, but I'm finding it harder than usual to rein in my tongue. Really not a good thing, and I can't seem to pinpoint the reason for this seeming lack of self-control.

I'm allowing too many things to get to me. Worrying about things I shouldn't be worrying about in the first place is using up a lot of the energy I usually reserve for being patient with the people I care about.

Anyway, if any of you read this, and I've been particularly mean lately - please know that I'm sorry. I'm really going to try and stop being so sarcastic all the time. Hold me to it, will you?

But Wait, What If...

There are times when being so aware of the possibilities can be extremely annoying. Here I am, trying to read nonverbal cues, and all the while, my mind is churning up new ways to interpret them.

*pulls hair out*

Okay, so a big part of it is that I just want to be confident of something for once. My excitement is always tempered down by the realization that I could be completely misreading things. The point isn't whether I most probably am or not - it's simply this realization that pretty much dampens it for me.

It's funny.. I can give you about 10 different attributions for one simple act. Just one. And 9 out of 10 will be driving me crazy, because there usually is only one thing I want it to be attributed to, but my mind refuses to allow me even that one teeny luxury of being able to float on air.

However, as a defense mechanism against getting too hurt by my idealistic nature, this works perfectly. I have to say that much, at least. Pros and cons, people. Probably the one thing I'm reasonably good at determining.

Hooray for extraverted intuition.

If Looks Could Kill... Poor Laine Would Be Dieded.

It's bad enough when someone doesn't like you. But it's a whole lot worse when:

a) You don't know why
b) The person has never spoken to you in their entire life!

I would prefer it if they just came to me and yelled. Or something. At least I'd know if it's justified or not. Better yet, I'd be able to defend myself...

The random glares and sideways glances are seriously unnerving. Not an experience I'd wish on anyone, of that I can 100% assure you.

*shudders*

Here I Am ~ Leona Lewis

This is a crazy world
These can be lonely times
It's hard to know who's on your side
Most of the time

Who can you really trust
Who do you really know
Is there anybody out there
Who can make you feel less alone
Sometimes you just can't make it on your own

If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
Well I'll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, hmmm

If you have broken dreams
Just lay them all on me
I'll be the one who understands
So take my hand

If there is emptiness
You know I'll do my best
To fill you up with all the love
That I can show someone
I promise you you'll never walk alone

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
Well I'll always be your friend

When you need a shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am

Everybody needs somebody who
They can pour their heart and soul into

If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend

When you need a shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for the pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, Here I am

Of Lousy Thinkers and Mental Filters

I amaze myself sometimes. And not always in a good way. I never actually stop to think about a lot of what I do and say - some of which could potentially come back to bite me on my well-padded rear... That being said, I tend to make lousy decisions when I think too much, too.

So what is a girl to do? Be grateful for the fact that in big decisions, at least, I'm capable of making sound ones. It's the little things, the every day stuff that I completely suck at. You wouldn't know it to see me, but oh the evidence is there, all right!

.. Hm. It does rather seem that all I ever do is complain about myself, doesn't it? Well, I'm not entirely as bad as I make myself out to be. However, I do wish I had some sort of mental filter. To help me differentiate between the proper response (that won't get me an undesirable outcome) and the out-of-whack one (which leaves me absolutely no room for edging out of trouble). Sigh.

I made a boo boo on Tuesday. Unfortunately, it is one I won't be able to fix. All I can do is cross my fingers and hope it all turns out for the best. Woohoo.