!!!

I'm scared witless. Because in spite of the surprising resilience that has dragged me out of so many stupid situations, I'm sick of getting hurt. Of finding out that all I've been doing is building castles in the air. That my feelings are never reciprocated in quite the same way... It takes its toll. Some insecurities are hard to overcome -- particularly when they've been hammered in over and over. My heart says one thing but my brain screams another. I just need a break. From all these emotions. But how do I run away from something that is very much a part of me? I can't escape it, so I'll have to learn to deal. Somehow. And someday maybe there'll be someone who will be able to accept me -- romanticism, expressiveness, insecurities and all.. and dare I hope, love those annoying parts of me too.

Dreamer...

Thinking back on what I used to write about, I have to laugh. Not just because of the extreme idealism that pervaded almost everything I wrote on this subject, but because I've come to realize that the very same idealism remains -- it's just a lot better disguised now. I don't do myself any favors, of course, by reading and listening to the things I do but I can't help it; I rather enjoy feeding my imagination, though, to be quite honest, it doesn't need all that much help to move it along... Why am I this dreamy? I can't remember a time when I wasn't. Even as a child I was always half-living in an entirely different world. I haven't changed much from the little girl who used to daydream about going on adventures like the Famous Five or solving mysteries like the Three Investigators. I've just learned to make the line less blurry. But difficult to live with or not, I don't ever want to lose this side of me. It keeps me child-like and helps me see the wonder, the possibilities life has to offer. Besides, it's fun. It really is!

Isn't It Ironic?

None of us can completely escape hypocrisy. What separates us is whether or not we realize this. If we search ourselves deep enough, we'll know that we haven't always met the standards we set. Yet we still readily impose these standards on others. What we often don't realize is that even while we do this, and scorn them for not living up to our standards, we fail to live up to theirs too, albeit in a different way. No one has the right to belittle another person, in any way or form, for any reason. Sadly, it's more often than not when we say that... that we proceed to do the very thing we scorn.

- - -

How often do we walk through life forgetting that we aren't the only ones there?

People matter. Regardless of how insignificant someone might seem in the so-called grander scheme of things, nothing gives us the right to treat them so.

We may be the center of our own little universe but until the earth starts to revolve around us, we should hark up to the fact that there are different ways to be significant. And the inability to realize that is one of the saddest things I've seen.

The "open" mind can sometimes be the most closed. Pity.

Hm..

It's funny how things always seem to progress to a point where you start to think that it could not possibly get any worse. Which I suppose is a good thing, at the end of the day, because then the only way left to go is up. Somehow. Some days, even when things don't make sense, I'm at ease and able to go with the flow. Other days it's almost as if I can't move til I understand. And I'm just beginning to realize that this is real. This struggle is me finally starting to be real. The good part is, though, that I know I'm never alone in this. His faithfulness is what has been pulling me through all the times where my mind feels like it's been turned inside out. It has sometimes been my only comfort, remembering that Jesus loves me, even when I cannot feel it. Even when I'm fighting the inner demons that demand to surface. He's always there. And strangely enough, every single time, he gives me the strength to pick myself up and try again.

Perspective...

A trip down memory lane made me realize a few things about myself and the person I was not too long ago. How much damage focusing solely on myself and my feelings wrought upon my psychological and emotional health. I chose to blame someone else when really, the fault was my own. I almost lost one of the best people I've ever known through my self-centeredness and I can only thank God that he loved me enough to stick around.

:)

Every virtue in your soul is a precious ornament which makes you dear to God and to man.
But holy purity, the queen of virtues, the angelic virtue, is a jewel so precious that those who possess it become like the angels of God in Heaven, even though clothed in mortal flesh.

~ St. John Bosco ~

Friends

It's amazing how in a world filled with such diversity, we all manage to find kindred souls. Like-minded people with whom we can just click and be so comfortable talking to, or even better, be comfortable enough to just be together without feeling the need to fill in the "awkward silence".

Friends a such an incredible blessing from God. When I actually spend time thinking about it, I realize what a gift it is to have someone who knows and loves me for who I am. Who accepts me, virtues, faults and all the stuff in between. And the even more amazing thing is -- God's blessed me with so many! People who would be there for me in a heart beat, just as I would be for them.

In a world that's becoming more and more individualistic by the day, I cannot reiterate enough how absolutely thankful and glad I am to have friends who genuinely care for one another. Who actually want to be a part of each others lives. And I don't ever want there to be a day that goes by that I forget to appreciate the joy they bring to my life.

Lessons...

There has been so much to be learned over the past couple of weeks about honesty, awareness, love and simply about being human. So many pleas for sanity that cry out to be heeded. The whirlwind we live in seems to be sweeping everyone along at a pace that only allows room for a narrow, self-focused way of life. Oh, that we would look at others and see human beings -- with thoughts and feelings and all the other baggage that comes with being homo sapien! How much more meaning would life have if we could see the people around us for who they are, bringing life to our surroundings, rather than just being mere backdrops to the dreary monologue of our lives. Different personalities add color, different views add spice... Life is so much more full when lived with and for others! Oh, I pray that I will not get so caught up with the solitary "I" that I forget to look around me ... and live.

Argh.

God gave us siblings for a reason. I know he did.

I just have to figure out what that reason is.

:D

Okay. So I know what the reason is after all ... Irritate each other or not, there's no one I love more in the whole world :)

Rambles...

It's funny how we can develop affection for some people over such a short period of time. What is it about some individuals that just makes them stick out in our minds and memories? Over the past couple of weeks I've learned that looking beyond the facade can actually be rewarding and that really talking and listening to people is key to forming the right impressions. Had I stuck to my initial reaction, I definitely would not have had the privilege of getting to know a rather unique person who actually exemplifies the fact that seemingly constant activity doesn't necessarily belie a lack of depth.

I suppose part of it is an actual effort to notice the details. Body language that is sometimes so subtle you won't notice it unless you're actually paying attention, not just to what is being said.. or even how it's being said. That being said, though, this is easier to do with some people than others -- wanting to make that effort, that is. I don't know.. it could just be that some folk are more engaged than others. It's pretty hard to get to know people who are detached most of the time. Yours truly being guilty as charged. Can't even begin to count the number of people who've misread me over the years.

Hm. I'd say I'm digressing but I don't suppose you can actually digress when there isn't a point to digress from in the first place. Oh well. I reckon my sort of point was just this: I'm glad I decided to look further than the obvious. It's really paid off :)

-untitled-

Everyday I begin to realize more and more how much I really need to depend on God. To trust that He always knows best, and that only He knows what will ultimately make me happy. I will never know myself as well as He does - He created me, after all. It's a struggle to surrender certain parts of my life to Him, though, and sometimes I wonder if I can... But then I remember that it isn't by my strength that I can - it's only by His love and mercy and grace. So there's always a tug of war going on within myself between my need to be in control and the knowledge that I will only ever really be free when I give that control to the one who knows and loves me more than I could ever hope to imagine. I just pray that I will be able to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus - to trust in His promises and believe in the power of the love that He has for me.

A New Beginning...

So many people are hurting. So many hearts are broken. Sometimes it's just so hard to reach out for the One who wants to take away all hurt. To bring peace to the anxious, comfort to the lonely. I know the discouragement, the disillusionment. I know the confusion and the wondering whether it really is all just a story...

But the person I am today, right here, right now, is a living example that it isn't just a story. Jesus is real. His love is real. I was so lost and now... Now I live with a peace that comes not from a state of mind or a pleasant environment. It comes from a God that is ALL love. His mercy and forgiveness was always there for the taking. All I had to do was just reach out and grasp it.

I am saved by His love. I am made whole by His love. And nothing and no one can take that love away from me. It is only I who could choose to walk away. But that would be the most idiotic thing I could ever do in my lifetime. It makes no sense to choose temporary satisfaction over the love of Him who died that I might live.

Do you have any idea how amazing a love that is? Constant, faithful, everlasting and unconditional love. I never want to let go of it because to live like I once was would be a fate worse than death.

He Holds The Keys!

And to all the things that have kept you away
That keep you defeated day after day after day
The heartache that nobody sees
That eats at your soul like a cruel disease
He who sets the captives free
It is He, it is He who holds your key!

He holds the keys
He holds the keys
Although we've been held captive
At long last we are free
For He holds the keys!

~Steve Green~

Jesus loves us all so very much... He really does.

Go Go Power Rangers!

Childhood memories die hard :)

I've been watching Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers (Season 1) on YouTube, and I'm hooked. Just like I was 16 years ago *looks sheepish* It was THE coolest TV show at the time, and Jason the Red Ranger (actor: Austin St. John) was my first ever celebrity crush, so you can imagine the fascination I have now watching the show (and seeing how incredibly one dimensional the Red Ranger really was lol). Ah well.. it's always been the alpha male that got my attention. Even as a wee 6 year old! :D

What strikes me as being really cute, though, is the way the show tried to incorporate moral values, like having self-confidence, believing in yourself, trusting in your friends... and recycling. Saving the earth from pollution. The Power Rangers weren't just superheroes .. they were civic conscious superheroes! And what better role models for children, hey? ;)

Okay, it's Morphin' Time! (Helloooo YouTube! :P)

Beautiful Savior

This life is a transition, a journey home to where we really, truly belong. Oh, how I long to be in His presence all day long! To immerse myself in His abundant love, outpoured...

No more searching. For I am found.

No more emptiness. For I am filled to overflowing.

He is the promise of forever... Beautiful Savior. Blessed Lord!

Psalm 23

Jesus, my shepherd and only provider
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside the still water
He restores my soul

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me
All the days of my life
And will dwell in house forever
Until the end of time

Jesus, my shepherd and only provider
You make me lie down in green pastures
You lead me beside the still water
You restore my soul

Though I walk through the valley of shadows
I will not be afraid
Your rod and staff are my only comfort
And You'll be with me always

You prepared a table before me
In the presences of my enemies
And you anoint my head with oil
And my cup overflows
My cup overflows with your love
With your love

Jesus, my shepherd and only provider
You make me lie down in green pastures
You lead me beside the still water
You restore my soul

This song is so beautiful, it never fails to move me... Then again, it IS a Psalm... :)

And The Greatest Of These..

I always understood the importance of emotional intelligence at head level but it's only lately that I'm coming to see why people put so much emphasis on it. The lack of it really plays havoc with my ability to love... Sometimes because I lack EI, others because someone else does. Either way, the effect is the same. I don't love like I should be doing.

So I made this list, of things in myself and others that irritate me, just so I know the things to look out for, and therefore pay closer attention to in terms of my reactions to them.

1. A person with a crazy IQ can still have an alarming lack of empathy, or even see no need for it -- which is, frankly, scarier.

2. Not realizing that listening is, most times, more important than talking and pushing to get our points across no matter what.

3. Having the idea that friendship is something we have a right to, and that we should be thanked for the things we do for the people we love. If it's out of love, it's a choice we make... expecting thanks just makes it another self-serving act.

4. Not knowing the difference between being optimistic but realistic as opposed to operating on the sort of blind idealism that sometimes creates more problems than we intend. Which is a shame, really, because our intentions tend to be good in instances like these.

5. Violating the unwritten rule that what is said between friends remains between them, unless permission is otherwise given. For me, this is a serious breach of trust - using information given in confidence to manipulate or threaten the people who entrusted us with it in the first place.

6. Is it really so difficult to ask politely for help? The world doesn't owe us its servitude.

7. Using sarcasm as a way to lash out at others is low. Very low. I will forever be sorry for stooping to that level, justified or not.

8. Heaping more pain and guilt on a loved one who is already suffering to satisfy our own need for "getting my own back".

We've all experienced one or more of these things, either as a recipient or the one having the lapse. It isn't pretty, is it? True, there are people we just can't get along with. So we keep our distance and maintain the peace with them, rather than engage in battles day in and day out that do nothing but wound both parties.

Funny how the simplest things in life are the hardest to do. Is there any wonder that "... the greatest of these is love"? There isn't anything that's harder to do but ultimately more rewarding than love. Now if only I could somehow learn to...

Itchy Fingers :)

I have to write this. These stories have been in the papers the past couple of days and they're seriously hilarious.

1. "The only difference between Man Utd and Liverpool was the number of expensive players they have."

Hm. It's interesting, though, to note that Torres was bought for a significantly higher fee than Ronaldo, purportedly Man U's best player. Ferdinand was injured for a big chunk of the season and was replaced by a rookie in Evans. Tevez is on a loan at United. Berbatov didn't live up to his value in most games. Fergie had to play either a kid (Rafael) or a utility man (O'Shea) as a right back for most of the season because of injuries to Neville and Brown. Vidic, Park, Anderson and Evra were barely heard of before they came to United. Fletcher made a significant contribution to the team, yet he's hardly a big name star. Giggs and Scholes have been at United forever, so how do you calculate their value?

It's silly to say that the only reason Man U won was because of money. True, they have a depth in their squad matched possibly only by Chelsea, but that's mainly due to the genius of Ferguson in developing not just his senior team, but the young players he has. And also, credit shouldn't be taken away from the Man U players who don't fall into the "expensive" category. Man U play as a unit and the team has created stars, rather than winning because they already had them in the first place.

2. "If there was another month left in the season, Liverpool would've caught up with/surpassed Man U."

Newsflash, old boy, but there WAS another month in the season. Several, in fact, when Liverpool failed to capitalize in games they should have won. It really comes down to the team that they hit their stride so late in the season. Wishing that there was another month left is completely ridiculous coz they should've been doing the job from the start. Playing really well for a couple of months after consistently underachieving and then saying that the best team hadn't necessarily won is a joke. Winning games is what wins you titles. Not drawing them. It doesn't matter that they only lost two -- dropping two points per game adds up and they're learning that the hard way.

Phew. Okay. Rant over. It's all about being realistic. If Man U played as Liverpool did throughout the season and lost, I'd still say they got what they deserved. No matter how painful it is not to win the League. I said it after the FA Cup final against Chelsea. And I'll say it again if they don't live up to the standard needed to win games and trophies. It's just that simple.

Beautiful