La la la... :P

I'm crazy about him. I am. I am. God help me, I am!

(Should I grin or sigh? Maybe both.)

Free...

"I sing because I'm happy..."

I dream of running through an open field in the bright morning sun, a cool breeze in my hair, just happy and wild and free. I'm so tired of living within these constraints, where I'm not free to be who I really am. Where I have to hide behind this mask of professionalism and competence, because the world I live in cannot be reconciled with the quirky goofball I really am. I'm happiest when I'm at home, free to run and jump and dance as and when I feel like it. To sing at the top of my lungs and get nothing more than a few amused smiles from family who love me precisely because I AM that nut. The nosey little Chip. The bum who needs to get dragged around to do stuff on one day, yet needs little prompting to do something else on another. Only the people closest to me know that I hate being all serious and business-like, but force myself into the role because it's necessary to survive. I just wish I could find a niche where I can finally let the child in me be free, with no repercussions or remonstrations. Acceptance. Even that is more than enough.

stop!

stop! shrieking, shrieking
piercing blasts of sound
talking, too much talking
who to listen to?
you? what do you want?
no, i'm not like that!
stop! begging, begging
please! a few moments
of peace and quiet
oh, will this never cease?
yes, yes i will - just
stop!
ten times, a dozen times
more?
red rivers everywhere
no, it wasn't me!
are you listening?
they just won't stop!
i just want them to stop.
please! just make them stop.
stop! stop! stop!

In-security.

We all have our little insecurities. It's also certainly quite interesting to note these insecurities in seemingly secure people. Most of the time, they're rather surprising. And fascinating! They add a whole new dimension to a person, and more often than not, should really be appreciated because they humanize even the most intimidating people. Understanding that some people may be motivated by insecurity, whether they themselves realize it or not, actually makes it easier to be less critical and more forgiving of faults. A lot of times, we try to disguise that tiny voice with displays of superiority, and some of us can actually make ourselves believe that that's what we are. The results of which can be quite tragic. What's the point in being "respected" out of fear? It's hardly a credit to ourselves to be put on pedestals for ability -- for what we can do, as opposed to who we really are. All that can be stripped away, but what remains are the fundamental values and principles that make up the biggest part of us. Can we honestly say that when that happens, we can still stand tall, knowing that we will still be respected, if nothing else? I never could see the point in making others feel small to feed our own sense of superiority just to compensate for that something that seems to be lacking in us. Whether we like it or not, sooner or later, the way we treat the people around us will come to matter more than how much better we are than them. And then what will we be left with? The same insecurities we started out trying to hide. Tis truly, truly sad.

Eeps!

I've come to realize that I put too much stock into words. When at the end of the day, it is action that matters. The way I define love is probably different from the way a lot of people do. For some, going out on a limb would be a better indication of it, not waxing eloquent about it. I need to remember this, so I don't drive myself crazy comparing my way of doing things with others'. Not that I can wax eloquent about anything under any circumstances, but you get my point. I guess it's important to recognize that it's more in what they're willing to do, how far they're willing to go... rather than simply pretty, but ultimately empty, words. Hm. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much. Sigh. So what else is new?

!!!

I'm scared witless. Because in spite of the surprising resilience that has dragged me out of so many stupid situations, I'm sick of getting hurt. Of finding out that all I've been doing is building castles in the air. That my feelings are never reciprocated in quite the same way... It takes its toll. Some insecurities are hard to overcome -- particularly when they've been hammered in over and over. My heart says one thing but my brain screams another. I just need a break. From all these emotions. But how do I run away from something that is very much a part of me? I can't escape it, so I'll have to learn to deal. Somehow. And someday maybe there'll be someone who will be able to accept me -- romanticism, expressiveness, insecurities and all.. and dare I hope, love those annoying parts of me too.

Dreamer...

Thinking back on what I used to write about, I have to laugh. Not just because of the extreme idealism that pervaded almost everything I wrote on this subject, but because I've come to realize that the very same idealism remains -- it's just a lot better disguised now. I don't do myself any favors, of course, by reading and listening to the things I do but I can't help it; I rather enjoy feeding my imagination, though, to be quite honest, it doesn't need all that much help to move it along... Why am I this dreamy? I can't remember a time when I wasn't. Even as a child I was always half-living in an entirely different world. I haven't changed much from the little girl who used to daydream about going on adventures like the Famous Five or solving mysteries like the Three Investigators. I've just learned to make the line less blurry. But difficult to live with or not, I don't ever want to lose this side of me. It keeps me child-like and helps me see the wonder, the possibilities life has to offer. Besides, it's fun. It really is!

Isn't It Ironic?

None of us can completely escape hypocrisy. What separates us is whether or not we realize this. If we search ourselves deep enough, we'll know that we haven't always met the standards we set. Yet we still readily impose these standards on others. What we often don't realize is that even while we do this, and scorn them for not living up to our standards, we fail to live up to theirs too, albeit in a different way. No one has the right to belittle another person, in any way or form, for any reason. Sadly, it's more often than not when we say that... that we proceed to do the very thing we scorn.

- - -

How often do we walk through life forgetting that we aren't the only ones there?

People matter. Regardless of how insignificant someone might seem in the so-called grander scheme of things, nothing gives us the right to treat them so.

We may be the center of our own little universe but until the earth starts to revolve around us, we should hark up to the fact that there are different ways to be significant. And the inability to realize that is one of the saddest things I've seen.

The "open" mind can sometimes be the most closed. Pity.

Hm..

It's funny how things always seem to progress to a point where you start to think that it could not possibly get any worse. Which I suppose is a good thing, at the end of the day, because then the only way left to go is up. Somehow. Some days, even when things don't make sense, I'm at ease and able to go with the flow. Other days it's almost as if I can't move til I understand. And I'm just beginning to realize that this is real. This struggle is me finally starting to be real. The good part is, though, that I know I'm never alone in this. His faithfulness is what has been pulling me through all the times where my mind feels like it's been turned inside out. It has sometimes been my only comfort, remembering that Jesus loves me, even when I cannot feel it. Even when I'm fighting the inner demons that demand to surface. He's always there. And strangely enough, every single time, he gives me the strength to pick myself up and try again.

Perspective...

A trip down memory lane made me realize a few things about myself and the person I was not too long ago. How much damage focusing solely on myself and my feelings wrought upon my psychological and emotional health. I chose to blame someone else when really, the fault was my own. I almost lost one of the best people I've ever known through my self-centeredness and I can only thank God that he loved me enough to stick around.

:)

Every virtue in your soul is a precious ornament which makes you dear to God and to man.
But holy purity, the queen of virtues, the angelic virtue, is a jewel so precious that those who possess it become like the angels of God in Heaven, even though clothed in mortal flesh.

~ St. John Bosco ~

Friends

It's amazing how in a world filled with such diversity, we all manage to find kindred souls. Like-minded people with whom we can just click and be so comfortable talking to, or even better, be comfortable enough to just be together without feeling the need to fill in the "awkward silence".

Friends a such an incredible blessing from God. When I actually spend time thinking about it, I realize what a gift it is to have someone who knows and loves me for who I am. Who accepts me, virtues, faults and all the stuff in between. And the even more amazing thing is -- God's blessed me with so many! People who would be there for me in a heart beat, just as I would be for them.

In a world that's becoming more and more individualistic by the day, I cannot reiterate enough how absolutely thankful and glad I am to have friends who genuinely care for one another. Who actually want to be a part of each others lives. And I don't ever want there to be a day that goes by that I forget to appreciate the joy they bring to my life.

Lessons...

There has been so much to be learned over the past couple of weeks about honesty, awareness, love and simply about being human. So many pleas for sanity that cry out to be heeded. The whirlwind we live in seems to be sweeping everyone along at a pace that only allows room for a narrow, self-focused way of life. Oh, that we would look at others and see human beings -- with thoughts and feelings and all the other baggage that comes with being homo sapien! How much more meaning would life have if we could see the people around us for who they are, bringing life to our surroundings, rather than just being mere backdrops to the dreary monologue of our lives. Different personalities add color, different views add spice... Life is so much more full when lived with and for others! Oh, I pray that I will not get so caught up with the solitary "I" that I forget to look around me ... and live.

Argh.

God gave us siblings for a reason. I know he did.

I just have to figure out what that reason is.

:D

Okay. So I know what the reason is after all ... Irritate each other or not, there's no one I love more in the whole world :)

Rambles...

It's funny how we can develop affection for some people over such a short period of time. What is it about some individuals that just makes them stick out in our minds and memories? Over the past couple of weeks I've learned that looking beyond the facade can actually be rewarding and that really talking and listening to people is key to forming the right impressions. Had I stuck to my initial reaction, I definitely would not have had the privilege of getting to know a rather unique person who actually exemplifies the fact that seemingly constant activity doesn't necessarily belie a lack of depth.

I suppose part of it is an actual effort to notice the details. Body language that is sometimes so subtle you won't notice it unless you're actually paying attention, not just to what is being said.. or even how it's being said. That being said, though, this is easier to do with some people than others -- wanting to make that effort, that is. I don't know.. it could just be that some folk are more engaged than others. It's pretty hard to get to know people who are detached most of the time. Yours truly being guilty as charged. Can't even begin to count the number of people who've misread me over the years.

Hm. I'd say I'm digressing but I don't suppose you can actually digress when there isn't a point to digress from in the first place. Oh well. I reckon my sort of point was just this: I'm glad I decided to look further than the obvious. It's really paid off :)

-untitled-

Everyday I begin to realize more and more how much I really need to depend on God. To trust that He always knows best, and that only He knows what will ultimately make me happy. I will never know myself as well as He does - He created me, after all. It's a struggle to surrender certain parts of my life to Him, though, and sometimes I wonder if I can... But then I remember that it isn't by my strength that I can - it's only by His love and mercy and grace. So there's always a tug of war going on within myself between my need to be in control and the knowledge that I will only ever really be free when I give that control to the one who knows and loves me more than I could ever hope to imagine. I just pray that I will be able to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus - to trust in His promises and believe in the power of the love that He has for me.

A New Beginning...

So many people are hurting. So many hearts are broken. Sometimes it's just so hard to reach out for the One who wants to take away all hurt. To bring peace to the anxious, comfort to the lonely. I know the discouragement, the disillusionment. I know the confusion and the wondering whether it really is all just a story...

But the person I am today, right here, right now, is a living example that it isn't just a story. Jesus is real. His love is real. I was so lost and now... Now I live with a peace that comes not from a state of mind or a pleasant environment. It comes from a God that is ALL love. His mercy and forgiveness was always there for the taking. All I had to do was just reach out and grasp it.

I am saved by His love. I am made whole by His love. And nothing and no one can take that love away from me. It is only I who could choose to walk away. But that would be the most idiotic thing I could ever do in my lifetime. It makes no sense to choose temporary satisfaction over the love of Him who died that I might live.

Do you have any idea how amazing a love that is? Constant, faithful, everlasting and unconditional love. I never want to let go of it because to live like I once was would be a fate worse than death.

He Holds The Keys!

And to all the things that have kept you away
That keep you defeated day after day after day
The heartache that nobody sees
That eats at your soul like a cruel disease
He who sets the captives free
It is He, it is He who holds your key!

He holds the keys
He holds the keys
Although we've been held captive
At long last we are free
For He holds the keys!

~Steve Green~

Jesus loves us all so very much... He really does.

Go Go Power Rangers!

Childhood memories die hard :)

I've been watching Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers (Season 1) on YouTube, and I'm hooked. Just like I was 16 years ago *looks sheepish* It was THE coolest TV show at the time, and Jason the Red Ranger (actor: Austin St. John) was my first ever celebrity crush, so you can imagine the fascination I have now watching the show (and seeing how incredibly one dimensional the Red Ranger really was lol). Ah well.. it's always been the alpha male that got my attention. Even as a wee 6 year old! :D

What strikes me as being really cute, though, is the way the show tried to incorporate moral values, like having self-confidence, believing in yourself, trusting in your friends... and recycling. Saving the earth from pollution. The Power Rangers weren't just superheroes .. they were civic conscious superheroes! And what better role models for children, hey? ;)

Okay, it's Morphin' Time! (Helloooo YouTube! :P)