..

There's always a price to pay. No matter how long it takes. There's always a price. I understand that now. I just never thought it would hurt quite this much. But I deserve it. So I shan't complain. I brought this upon myself and have no other but me to blame.

Hm

How strange that time is so relative. When I see 7 minutes remaining on a series, I know there's a whole bunch of stuff still left to happen. 7 minutes left on a deadline is almost negligible. Wonder why.

Walls

I need clarity. Focus. Something. I woke up from a dream that's left me a tad disoriented but at the same time, it made hilariously aware that some things are quite deeply ingrained, even in my subconscious. I'm trying my best to learn. To remain two steps back. So much so I'm getting good at building walls. I doubt it's healthy but it helps keep me sane for the moment. No one needs to know how what they do affects me. Why should they? Life is complicated enough as it is. Funny how I never was this way til last year. But people change, I suppose. I just guard myself more than I used to. Is that so bad? Considering the alternative, I don't think so.

Go...

It's a familiar place, this. I just wish it wasn't so familiar. Might make it easier to sleep at night. :(

It's Only Words

Words are my haven. I feel safe with them. I feel lost without them. So many times I have to try to cling on to actions, instead, as they're supposed to speak louder than the words I crave - words that are somehow always few and far between. I can't explain how lost I feel without them. How many times they have been what has stood in the way of my going mad with worry, anxiety, grief. I survive on words, thrive on them.

People just don't realize how important they are. They confirm the meaning in our actions. They provide the context, so that others can understand the gestures that we make to show some feelings that, admittedly, words may not always adequately express. We so often underestimate the power of words, that we neglect to use them, believing that actions always speak louder. Is this necessarily true? Just consider the many ways in which a single action can be interpreted.

Some think that if something is said too much, it loses its meaning. Well, sure, familiarity tends to do that, make a sentiment no longer novel. But what of a meaning that goes beyond mere feeling? Is it so easy to lose then?

Granted, I may need words more than most, but I still believe we place too little importance on them in this day and age. What happened to the poetry that spoke from heart to heart? The letters that could run on for page after page? The stories rich with descriptive life, drawing you into a world of colorful people, glorious scenery, mysterious intrigue? How many write those now, let alone appreciate them?

Our ancestors understood and appreciated the power of the word in ways we seem to have forgotten. Will we become so afraid of exposing our hearts that we shy away from one of the few things that make us human?

Dawning..

I don't deserve him. And yet, there he is. He doesn't believe it. I doubt he can even see it. But I am so incredibly blessed. I can only pray that in time he will be able to see himself through my eyes. Then he'll understand. I really could not ask for more.

Dilemma...

We watch. We wait. We stop. When there's nothing we can do, time slows to a standstill. What do we do with this time we have? What we choose -- is it for us? Do we actually think before we decide? Or do we go with what our hearts tear at us to do, even though if we gave it any thought, we'd see that all we're doing is indulging our fears? Sometimes even if it means welcoming heartache, the best we can do is stand down.

Sultry, Steamy..

The tango is so hard to watch. *shivers*

~~~

I think I need to breathe. Old habits die hard. I need to stop feeling like I need to twist myself into an unrecognizable knot to accommodate what I think is needed. I feel myself slipping back into that pattern and it's not good. Especially considering the direction that this is taking. I can't go back to being that person. I can't.

Hope

It's such a tiny word. Yet it carries so much meaning that we struggle to understand, to grasp what it really is all about. And until we can see that hope is not a word, but a person, we will continue to be blinded to the true fullness of joy that it can bring. Where Love abounds, there is always hope. And where Love abounds, there is joy and peace in the knowledge that we will never be forsaken. It is Christ who is our hope. It is the blood He shed so that we might live. It is the irrefutable knowledge that God IS on our side, no matter our present circumstance. We have the ear of the Almighty Creator. More than that, we have His unfailing, unchanging love. It isn't something we have earned; it is there for the taking if we would only open our eyes and see. And when we do, when we finally recognize that it is Jesus standing there in front of us with His arms and heart open with an unending outpouring of unconditional love, then and only then will we begin to understand the true meaning of the hope that we have in Him. Our God loves us beyond our understanding, beyond anything we could even begin to contemplate. If only we could see this and really begin to live with the full knowledge of our true worth in the eyes of our Father, who created us all for the sole reason that He loves us.

-non-

One week left til my proposal is due. I never thought the day would come when I actually had to do a thesis. It always seemed so far away, like it was never really ever going to happen.

But reality has a way of sneaking up on you, and in less than a year, I should have completed my very first solo research project. Which is a scary thought in and of itself.

On a less panic-inducing note, I think I'm finally getting the hang of reining in my emotions. I used to go into emotional overload when things seemed to go awry but now at least I'm able to take a step back and remain in control of what I do. Growing up has its plus points, I s'pose!

Oh, if you're gonna make white coffee without sugar, make sure you make it strong. Or else it becomes coffee flavored milk. Bitter coffee flavored milk.

And on that random note, I shall bid thee adieu. Hee :D

note

"What can I do, to make you mine? Falling so hard so fast this time. What did I say, what did you do? How did I fall in love with you?" ~ BSB

I risk. He's worth it. That's all there is to it, really.

La la la... :P

I'm crazy about him. I am. I am. God help me, I am!

(Should I grin or sigh? Maybe both.)

Free...

"I sing because I'm happy..."

I dream of running through an open field in the bright morning sun, a cool breeze in my hair, just happy and wild and free. I'm so tired of living within these constraints, where I'm not free to be who I really am. Where I have to hide behind this mask of professionalism and competence, because the world I live in cannot be reconciled with the quirky goofball I really am. I'm happiest when I'm at home, free to run and jump and dance as and when I feel like it. To sing at the top of my lungs and get nothing more than a few amused smiles from family who love me precisely because I AM that nut. The nosey little Chip. The bum who needs to get dragged around to do stuff on one day, yet needs little prompting to do something else on another. Only the people closest to me know that I hate being all serious and business-like, but force myself into the role because it's necessary to survive. I just wish I could find a niche where I can finally let the child in me be free, with no repercussions or remonstrations. Acceptance. Even that is more than enough.

stop!

stop! shrieking, shrieking
piercing blasts of sound
talking, too much talking
who to listen to?
you? what do you want?
no, i'm not like that!
stop! begging, begging
please! a few moments
of peace and quiet
oh, will this never cease?
yes, yes i will - just
stop!
ten times, a dozen times
more?
red rivers everywhere
no, it wasn't me!
are you listening?
they just won't stop!
i just want them to stop.
please! just make them stop.
stop! stop! stop!

In-security.

We all have our little insecurities. It's also certainly quite interesting to note these insecurities in seemingly secure people. Most of the time, they're rather surprising. And fascinating! They add a whole new dimension to a person, and more often than not, should really be appreciated because they humanize even the most intimidating people. Understanding that some people may be motivated by insecurity, whether they themselves realize it or not, actually makes it easier to be less critical and more forgiving of faults. A lot of times, we try to disguise that tiny voice with displays of superiority, and some of us can actually make ourselves believe that that's what we are. The results of which can be quite tragic. What's the point in being "respected" out of fear? It's hardly a credit to ourselves to be put on pedestals for ability -- for what we can do, as opposed to who we really are. All that can be stripped away, but what remains are the fundamental values and principles that make up the biggest part of us. Can we honestly say that when that happens, we can still stand tall, knowing that we will still be respected, if nothing else? I never could see the point in making others feel small to feed our own sense of superiority just to compensate for that something that seems to be lacking in us. Whether we like it or not, sooner or later, the way we treat the people around us will come to matter more than how much better we are than them. And then what will we be left with? The same insecurities we started out trying to hide. Tis truly, truly sad.

Eeps!

I've come to realize that I put too much stock into words. When at the end of the day, it is action that matters. The way I define love is probably different from the way a lot of people do. For some, going out on a limb would be a better indication of it, not waxing eloquent about it. I need to remember this, so I don't drive myself crazy comparing my way of doing things with others'. Not that I can wax eloquent about anything under any circumstances, but you get my point. I guess it's important to recognize that it's more in what they're willing to do, how far they're willing to go... rather than simply pretty, but ultimately empty, words. Hm. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much. Sigh. So what else is new?

!!!

I'm scared witless. Because in spite of the surprising resilience that has dragged me out of so many stupid situations, I'm sick of getting hurt. Of finding out that all I've been doing is building castles in the air. That my feelings are never reciprocated in quite the same way... It takes its toll. Some insecurities are hard to overcome -- particularly when they've been hammered in over and over. My heart says one thing but my brain screams another. I just need a break. From all these emotions. But how do I run away from something that is very much a part of me? I can't escape it, so I'll have to learn to deal. Somehow. And someday maybe there'll be someone who will be able to accept me -- romanticism, expressiveness, insecurities and all.. and dare I hope, love those annoying parts of me too.

Dreamer...

Thinking back on what I used to write about, I have to laugh. Not just because of the extreme idealism that pervaded almost everything I wrote on this subject, but because I've come to realize that the very same idealism remains -- it's just a lot better disguised now. I don't do myself any favors, of course, by reading and listening to the things I do but I can't help it; I rather enjoy feeding my imagination, though, to be quite honest, it doesn't need all that much help to move it along... Why am I this dreamy? I can't remember a time when I wasn't. Even as a child I was always half-living in an entirely different world. I haven't changed much from the little girl who used to daydream about going on adventures like the Famous Five or solving mysteries like the Three Investigators. I've just learned to make the line less blurry. But difficult to live with or not, I don't ever want to lose this side of me. It keeps me child-like and helps me see the wonder, the possibilities life has to offer. Besides, it's fun. It really is!

Isn't It Ironic?

None of us can completely escape hypocrisy. What separates us is whether or not we realize this. If we search ourselves deep enough, we'll know that we haven't always met the standards we set. Yet we still readily impose these standards on others. What we often don't realize is that even while we do this, and scorn them for not living up to our standards, we fail to live up to theirs too, albeit in a different way. No one has the right to belittle another person, in any way or form, for any reason. Sadly, it's more often than not when we say that... that we proceed to do the very thing we scorn.