La la la... :P

I'm crazy about him. I am. I am. God help me, I am!

(Should I grin or sigh? Maybe both.)

Free...

"I sing because I'm happy..."

I dream of running through an open field in the bright morning sun, a cool breeze in my hair, just happy and wild and free. I'm so tired of living within these constraints, where I'm not free to be who I really am. Where I have to hide behind this mask of professionalism and competence, because the world I live in cannot be reconciled with the quirky goofball I really am. I'm happiest when I'm at home, free to run and jump and dance as and when I feel like it. To sing at the top of my lungs and get nothing more than a few amused smiles from family who love me precisely because I AM that nut. The nosey little Chip. The bum who needs to get dragged around to do stuff on one day, yet needs little prompting to do something else on another. Only the people closest to me know that I hate being all serious and business-like, but force myself into the role because it's necessary to survive. I just wish I could find a niche where I can finally let the child in me be free, with no repercussions or remonstrations. Acceptance. Even that is more than enough.

stop!

stop! shrieking, shrieking
piercing blasts of sound
talking, too much talking
who to listen to?
you? what do you want?
no, i'm not like that!
stop! begging, begging
please! a few moments
of peace and quiet
oh, will this never cease?
yes, yes i will - just
stop!
ten times, a dozen times
more?
red rivers everywhere
no, it wasn't me!
are you listening?
they just won't stop!
i just want them to stop.
please! just make them stop.
stop! stop! stop!

In-security.

We all have our little insecurities. It's also certainly quite interesting to note these insecurities in seemingly secure people. Most of the time, they're rather surprising. And fascinating! They add a whole new dimension to a person, and more often than not, should really be appreciated because they humanize even the most intimidating people. Understanding that some people may be motivated by insecurity, whether they themselves realize it or not, actually makes it easier to be less critical and more forgiving of faults. A lot of times, we try to disguise that tiny voice with displays of superiority, and some of us can actually make ourselves believe that that's what we are. The results of which can be quite tragic. What's the point in being "respected" out of fear? It's hardly a credit to ourselves to be put on pedestals for ability -- for what we can do, as opposed to who we really are. All that can be stripped away, but what remains are the fundamental values and principles that make up the biggest part of us. Can we honestly say that when that happens, we can still stand tall, knowing that we will still be respected, if nothing else? I never could see the point in making others feel small to feed our own sense of superiority just to compensate for that something that seems to be lacking in us. Whether we like it or not, sooner or later, the way we treat the people around us will come to matter more than how much better we are than them. And then what will we be left with? The same insecurities we started out trying to hide. Tis truly, truly sad.

Eeps!

I've come to realize that I put too much stock into words. When at the end of the day, it is action that matters. The way I define love is probably different from the way a lot of people do. For some, going out on a limb would be a better indication of it, not waxing eloquent about it. I need to remember this, so I don't drive myself crazy comparing my way of doing things with others'. Not that I can wax eloquent about anything under any circumstances, but you get my point. I guess it's important to recognize that it's more in what they're willing to do, how far they're willing to go... rather than simply pretty, but ultimately empty, words. Hm. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much. Sigh. So what else is new?