Um...

Have you ever missed someone so much that it becomes an ache that refuses to go away, no matter what you do to distract yourself? Even when you know that it's simply circumstances and nothing more, you can't help but wish things were different, that you were more capable of changing those circumstances. And then it hits you that you're powerless... no matter what you do, how much effort you put it, there is only so much you can do. The feeling of impotence is overwhelming. But you can't regret anything because, despite the pain, every little bit of joy is worth it. Every smile, every shared moment... Then you realise you'd endure anything - anything at all, the uncertainty, the doubts, the worry.. everything, if only to have the complete happiness of being with the very same person you miss as you've never missed anyone or anything before.

Love Of My Life

I am amazed
When I look at you
I see you smiling back at me
It's like all my dreams come true

I am afraid
If I lost you (girl)
I'd fall through the cracks
And lose my track in this crazy lonely world

Sometimes it's so hard to believe
When the nights can be so long
And faith gave me the strength
And kept me going on

You are the love of my life
And I'm so glad you found me
You are the love of my life
Baby put your arms around me
I guess this is how it feels
When you finally find something real
My angel in the night
You are my love
The love of my life

Now here you are
With midnight closing in
You take my hand as our shadows dance
With moonlight on your skin

I look in your eyes
I'm lost inside your kiss
I think if I'd never met you
About all the things I'd missed

Sometimes it's so hard to believe
When a love can be so strong
And faith gave me the strength
And kept me holding on

You are the love of my life
And I'm so glad you found me
You are the love of my life
Baby put your arms around me
I guess this is how it feels
When you finally find something real
My angel in the night
You are my love
The love of my life

~ Jim Brickman and Michael W Smith~

Cuzzies!

I was just going through some of the pictures of my cousins, it suddenly struck me again that I love the lot of them to bits! I really do... Nearly all the best times in my life have been experienced with them, right there in the thick of it all. They've given me my best memories... There is no possible way that I could EVER forget just how much they mean to me!

Vin, Su, Yin, Ting, Sheryll, Jono...

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!

Thank You, Jesus!

I just got the best Christmas present ever.

I PASSED MY GRADE EIGHT PIANO EXAM!!!!!!!!!!!

WooohoOoOOo!!!

I don't have to learn a whole new bunch of excruciatingly difficult pieces, and I can just lepak next year! (At least when it comes to the piano...)

I just know one thing for sure... I didn't do this on my own. I have the God who, inexplicably, seems to come through for me every time, to thank.

As usual, I don't expect to get anything based on my performance, but He throws me a curveball every time and lets me know that even if everyone else fails me (including myself), He's always there.. and He won't ever let me down.

So yes... A very big THANK YOU to my Lord and Saviour, for never giving up on me, and being there for me when no one else is. Even those who say they love me.

Would NEVER have been able to pass without you.

Thank you, Jesus!

O Christmas, Wherefore Art Thou?

2 days to Christmas.

Somehow, this time, it feels just like any other weekend of any other month. There isn't that tingle of excitement I always get whenever Christmas is 'round the corner.

Sandy was right in a way.... As we get older, we get so caught up in the technicalities of Christmas (buying, baking, cooking..) that we actually forget to enjoy the season and it becomes just another bit of work to do.

I used to enjoy decorating the house. Now it feels more like housework. Or maybe that's coz if Yin hadn't been here, I'd have been doing the decorating alone. Which, frankly, isn't how the other Christmases used to be.

My tree now is pretty well decorated (if a little senget .. lol), but it doesn't have the charm of the trees that David and I used to painstakingly decorate as kids. Those trees were a mishmash of the oddest coloured decorations and moulting Santas, but there was a whole lot of enthusiasm behind 'em, and somehow the tree took on the sense of that and came alive!

Oh I know that sounds absurd, but to me, if everyone pitches in at Christmas, and we work together to bring in the season, then it becomes all that much better. Doing it alone somehow just makes it dull, lifeless almost.

I just want Christmas to have that spark again, that feeling of wide-eyed wonder. I miss it so much, that child-like anticipation while waiting for midnight on Christmas day.

All my life I've wanted to grow up - now that I have, I wish it hadn't happened so fast.

*sighs*

I hate feeling insecure. I absolutelye do. I hate it even more when I have no reason to be.

*smacks self on head*

Why do I allow myself to give in to these negative feelings anyway? No matter how I remind myself of certain things, I can't help but feel like I'm fighting a losing battle...

But 10 minutes later I perk up again and become all optimistic.

Sigh.

I should be WAY past (or still a loooong way from) the age where such crazy mood swings are a common part of life. But god.. sometimes it's hard not to doubt my sanity. Like, why do I do this to myself?

In my head I understand there are reasons.

My heart, however, is terrified beyond belief that it's being set up to being broken again.

Even if that isn't true, it's a hard feeling to get over. I'm trying though, I really am.

Maybe I've just got to try a little harder.

It's OVER!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. It's officially a week since The Ordeal, and I've been living the life of a SLOB ever since.

Sigh.

Ooh. Don't get me wrong, I'm thoroughly enjoying every second. Sleeping in, watching TV, reading all my hopelessly fluff-y, but completely entertaining collection of mindless romance novels.. And best of all - DUMPING MY SCHOOL BOOKS!!!! :D

WoooOooOohOoooO!

Okay, so I didn't exactly dump them. I packed 'em up. To give 'em to people whom I hope will make better use of them than I did. Actually, who'll make use of them, period. Hehe.

The funny thing is, I don't feel the same kind of nostalgia I did when I finished Form 5. Oh, I miss my friends, all right.. But I think it has more to do with the fact that I had absolutely no interest in the subjects I was learning. So finishing these exams were more of an un-loaded burden than anything else. It's hard to feel nostalgic about something you loathed, I guess.

No real after STPM list.. Except, maybe to:

1. Enjoy myself as much as I possibly can
2. Bake some cookies
3. Watch Gerard Butler in action as soon as The Game Of Our Lives hits the cinemas (old addictions die hard, I guess... hehe)
4. Figure out exactly what I'm gonna be sending Sandy (bit of a dilemma here coz I want it to be special!)
5. Have sleepovers with the Insanely Saners and Lim cousins. On separate days, o'course!
6. Catch up with Ee May. Haven't seen her in months.. Not a cool thing to happen, I assure you!
7. Get a job in a kindy in January! Can't wait for that one, either! :)

Okay, that's about the extent of my list at the moment. Pretty short, eh? There was so much more that I wanted to do after SPM.. Now, it just doesn't seem to matter anymore that I don't have all that much to do. In fact, it feels awesome!!! :)

All righty then! I shall leave before I write a novel.

Have a good one, you guys!

Thank God I Found You!

I know I usually write a whole lot about my crushes, and my sad (lack of) love life.. And I realise I haven't said much about it lately. That's probably because I've finally found something too special to put into words - so much so I can't even begin to try. But it's time I acknowledge it, coz he's too big a part of my life for me not to.

I think this song says a lot of what I can't always find the words for.. Y'know my penchant for digging up lyrics, don't ya, Mr. C? ;) I only put up the chorus coz it really all boils down to this.. And I think you know what I mean :)

[You can tease me about it later, but I just had to do this :P My god, I can't believe I just gave you permission to make fun of me! *shakes head sadly at self* Girl, you're goin' nutsier everyday!]

Okay, I'll stop now.

Anyway, Sandy.. This is for you.

Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
My every wish and every dream
Somehow became reality
When you brought the sunlight
Completed my whole life
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude
Cause baby I'm so thankful
I found you

And It's Finally Here...

All the best to all you guys who'll be sitting for the SPM/STPM exams..!!

3 days to D-Day.

God help me.

Another I.S. Birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNA!!

The Queen is officially 19, everybody! Three cheers for Jen Jen!

I hope you had a great day, girl.. Your present's on the way, and if it's possible, I'll take you out soon for a lil food binge and a long chat, aye? ;)

I love you, girlie! And I know loads of people out there do, too!

Have an awesome year, okay? I know you will.. Somehow!

*BIG HUGS* Toodles, darling.. See you soon!

Eyeing the Storm

I love thunderstorms.

The crash of the rolling thunder, the streaking of lightning across the sky, the sound and smell of the falling rain...

I could just sit by the window and look out at it for hours.

There's just something so majestic yet surprisingly peaceful about a thunderstorm. It clears my head, makes me feel comforted that there are still some things in this world whose beauty man cannot sully. Nothing can shatter the truly spectacular wonder of a storm.

And if the lightning these days wasn't so dangerous, I would be out there, dancing in the rain. Believe me, there is nothing so cleansing, or so freeing.

If only I could be out there... I wish I could.

An Old Questionnaire..

I am experiencing a bad case of writer's block, so I'm doing an old quiz that we DEDS came up with in 2002 to.. well, try and find out "info" about a certain someone! :)

Describe yourself in three words:
Crazy reclusive dreamer :)

Bad habit:
Thinking too much about things I can't change.

Rule of Life:
If you want something done well, do it yourself. I've had waaay too much experience with people doing stuff sloppily coz they just can't be bothered. I hate that!

Phrase that you use often:
Oh my lord in heaven!!!

If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?
A horse! Haha.. Coz my dad says I look like one when I run. Sigh. Is that a compliment, folks? Is it? Hah. Didn't think so.

Dream house:
Someplace quiet, surrounded by lots of trees.. It doesn't have to be big. Just really cozy. Nothing like the modern, glass and steel houses these days. I prefer the old-fashioned, woodsy types.

Most embarrassing moment:
EXPO 2001!!! Haha.. How the hell does one win a singing competition with a song like "I Cry"? *shakes head sadly* But I don't regret it.. it was quite an experience!

Rule of Love:
Hold nothing back. There is no point loving if you can't love with all your heart. The one you love deserves at least that much!

What would you most like people to know about you?
That I AM NOT SCARY! *growls* Haha. I'm really not. I'm actually really shy... That's why I don't mix too well with people I don't know. Honest!

How would your mum and dad describe you?
They call me "Chip" - y'know, the little teacup in Disney's Beauty and the Beast? Apparently I always seem to want to know what's going on! Hehe..

What's your earliest childhood memory?
Running away from home when I was 3! Three! Lol. I still have no clue how I came up with THAT idea, but I really did pack my little bag and walk out. 'Course, I couldn't go far.. coz I didn't know how to cross the road! :)

Are you a good judge of character?
I think so.. most of the time, anyway.

Are you romantic?
Oh, totally. But only with the right person.

What do you look for in a boyfriend?
You want the full list? Haha.. I thought not. Basically just that he loves me... I believe that if he does, he'll naturally be loyal, understanding, respect me, the whole nine yards.

What do you think of your singing abilities?
I can keep a tune. That's about the kindest thing I can say.

How good-looking do you think you are?
Oh I'm gorgeous! Heehee. I'm okay la.. Not ugly, but no supermodel either! (Could lose some weight though.. Sigh.)

Who was the last person you hugged?
My mummy! :)

What makes you smile?
My little cousins, talking to the IS-ers and my cousins, certain memories, daydreaming about a certain someone.. :)

When did you last bawl your eyes out?
Um.. Wednesday night? Lol. I seem to be "bawling my eyes out" a lot these days. Stress wei!

When did you learn about the birds and the bees?
I can't remember. In fact, I don't even remember HOW I found everything out!

Describe your bedroom.
It's big and bright, got a queen-sized bed, loads of space, all table tops and shelf tops are covered with books and notes,and I have the messiest dressing table in the history of mankind.

What's your most treasured possession?
My photo albums. They're full of very precious memories!

What do you worry about the most?
Exams!!!! And how I'm gonna get permission to travel someday...

When did you last totally lose your temper?
Wow. Um.. Quite some time ago. I get angry, but I haven't "totally" lost my temper in ages. Yay me!

What's your idea of a romantic evening?
A picnic on a deserted beach, just the two of us, then lying in each others arms while watching the sunset and listening to the waves. Top it off with a slow dance under the moonlight to the sound of the waves and him singing in my ear.. *sighs dreamily* Well, a girl can dream! :)

When You Say You Love Me

My favourite Josh Groban song.. It reminds me of someone very very special. You know who you are ;)

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breath.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth ,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment, I know why I'm alive

When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?

"I Want A Doggy!!!"*

*2-year-old Elaine, and Elaine every year since! :)

After spending time with Hugo the Gorgeous Golden Retriever today, I have made a decision:

I AM GONNA GET MYSELF A DOG!

Either a Lab or Golden Retriever.

Heck, I've always wanted one. Ever since I could talk. (I wanted a horse once, too.. but a terrace house is a tad impractical for horse rearing. Sigh. Blame it on Enid Blyton!!!!)

Unfortunately, I'll have to wait til I get a place of my own. Sigh. Coz fur aggravates my dad's asthma, and I can't have one at my aunt's place coz she has two chihuahuas. Who seem to think they're the size of St. Bernards, the way they act around bigger dogs. That is, until the dog in question decides to attack. Hehe.

Yeah, so all things considered, I'll have to wait a few more years before I can get myself my own dog. Argh! You'd think 19 years was a long enough wait. Sigh.

Oh well. All I can hope for now is that, if I ever get married, the guy will like dogs, be non-asthmatic, and have no dog-related allergies.

Phew.

Well, here's hoping!

Success..

I got this from A Joke A Day.. And it meant an awful lot to me coz it addresses a few of the struggles that I've been going through lately. People have been telling me more or less the same thing, but this feels like something of a confirmation, y'know? So I decided to share it with you guys...

YOU ARE A SUCCESS..
* WHEN you clearly understand that failure is an event, not a person - that yesterday ended last night, and today is a brand new day.
* WHEN you know that a success (a win) doesn't make you and that a failure (a loss) doesn't break you.
* WHEN you have made friends with your past, are focused on the present, and are optimistic about your future.
* WHEN you are filled with faith, hope, and love and live without anger, greed, guilt, envy, or thoughts of revenge.
* WHEN you are mature enough to delay gratification and shift your focus from your rights to your responsibilities.
* WHEN you know that failure to stand for what is morally right is the prelude to becoming a victim of what is criminally wrong.

YOU ARE A SUCCESS...
* WHEN you are secure in who you are, so you are at peace with your Creator and in fellowship with others.
* WHEN you have made friends of your adversaries and have gained the love and respect of those who know you best.
* WHEN you understand that others can give you pleasure but that genuine happiness comes when you do things for others.
* WHEN you give hope to the hopeless, love to the unlovable, and are pleasant to the grouch, courteous to the rude, and generous to the needy.
* WHEN you can look back in forgiveness, forward in hope, down in compassion, and up with gratitude.
* WHEN you know that the greatest are those who choose to be servants of all.
* WHEN you recognize, confess, develop, and use your given physical, mental, and spiritual abilities for the benefit of others.

YOU ARE A SUCCESS when you know that you have been a good and faithful servant of the Creator of the universe.

Frus-nya!! :(

I used to be able to write down how I feel pretty accurately. The words were able to come out. Now they're only stuck up in my head, refusing to string themselves together into anything remotely coherent.

Sigh.

Could it also be that what I'm feeling cannot be described adequately? I've been searching and searching for a way to put it all down. It's frustrating feeling a certain way and not ever being able to describe it!

At least, it's frustrating to me. I always prided myself on my ability to express myself through my writing. Now.. Wooh. I seem to have lost THAT ability, along with quite a number of significant ones. Like the fact that my "memory of an elephant" has metamorphosised into the memory of good ol' Dory.

Double triple quadruple sigh.

On the bright side, though, what I'm feeling isn't negative. (If you ignore the frustration it creates.) For the first time in a long long time I'm not unhappy. Nor am I indifferent. I'm actually feeling HAPPY.

It's a good feeling, folks. That's why I'm so anxious to capture it. So that one day, when I'm feeling down, I can go back and read it and know that it's not impossible to feel true happiness. That it isn't some illusion I created in my head. Memories can be deceiving - that's why having tangible proof that I could feel like this is so important to me.

I don't ever want to forget.

Ah.. Another Nice One!

I found another song I like! Woohoo.. There's another Clay Aiken one I like too, but I'll post that one up later.

When I See You Smile - Bad English (covered by Clay Aiken)

Sometimes I wonder how I'd ever make it through
Through this world without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue
'Cos sometimes it seems like
This world's closing in on me
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright
Everything's alright

When I see you smile
I can face the world
You know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
I see it shining right thru the rain
When I see you smile
Baby when I see you smile at me

Baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew
And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it
'Cos you're here with me now
And one look at you baby
Is all I'll ever need
It's all I'll ever need

When I see you smile
I can face the world
You know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
I see it shining right thru the rain
When I see you smile baby
Baby when I see you smile at me

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
Then one look at you baby
And everything's alright
Everything's alright
So right

When I see you smile
I can face the world
You know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
I see it shining right thru the rain
When I see you smile
I can face the world
You know I can do anything
When I see you smile
Baby when I see you smile
Smile at me

12 Things Elaine Has Recently Learned

Just some random stuff I've picked up on over the last week or so... Hehe.

1. Customer service people make stressful customers. At least, a certain stewardess does! *grins at Su* Poor Kenny Roger's waiter was probably cursing us! Oh well.. I suppose when you give good service, you expect it!

2. Teng Teng's prayers are super powerful - that lazy "lil" kid didn't wanna go to Gasing Hill for jogging yesterday.. And guess what. It thunderstorm-ed just as we were about to leave! Dang! I really have to get her to pray for my STPM.. Sure ace it one! Haha!

3. Trying to make pancakes shaped like anything other than pancakes is not a good idea. They tend to end up un-eatable. Sigh. But they looked good though!!! (Although my "E" kinda ended up looking like an "M". Oh well.. I've never claimed to be artistic!)

4. It isn't a good idea to put baby brothers in charge of carrying A&W Root Beer floats. Especially one you've been craving for all day. They tend to end up on the floor of the car. *sighs mournfully*

5. I am officially the official mosquito restaurant of the house. My legs look like I've got some kind of scary disease! Ugh! *grumbles* Bloody blood suckers. Hmph.

6. American high school movies ala American Pie are nothing but exercises in lame-ity. Just like that word was. Also an excuse for some rather sad excuses of thespians to flaunt their - better assets. Which in this instance definitely doesn't include the mind.

7. It's nice being almost the same size as my mother. I don't have to pack so many clothes when I go back to Klang! Yay! (Plus mum has a few tees that are nicer than mine... Hehe.)

8. Westlife's coming out with a new album! Yiiiipppeeeee! *jumps up and down screaming hysterically* Um. Right.

9. It is not a good idea to mix Dewar's, Smirnoff and Tiger. One tends to find one's self in an alternate reality. Where one's only concern is the location of one's handphone. And cursing said handphone when intended callee doesn't pick up. Even when one knows that there's a perfectly valid reason for that.

10. The Cousins are planning a loooong sleepover! WooOooHoooO! It's about time is al I have to say!

11. I haven't got any books with substance to read. None. Therefore I am stuck reading Enid Blyton's Famous Five books. For the 3568713268th time. And heck.. I'm actually enjoying them immensely! (She does tend to make me hungry though.. Sigh.)

12. High School Musical was actually kinda nice. I liked the choreography... and one song. Although I can't remember what it's called at this present moment in time. It'll probably get stuck in my head once I do, though. Argh in advance!

Okay. I'm done!

INSANELY SANERS ALERT!

This post is just for the Insanely Saners.. I guess only they will know what I'm talking about anyway. I don't have time to write anything right now, so... I'll do that soon, though, I promise!!

IS-ers... The Official Noticeboard's back up! I've already posted something, which I REALLY need your feedback on. I know Ee May has news, and Jen, too. And Jules.. you SO need to update us properly on your life!

Anyway, it'd be cool if you guys could go post stuff too! If you need the username and password, just let me know and I'll email 'em to you! :)

This way, we don't have to wait til we see each other online, coz at the rate our lives are going at the moment, those opportunities are gonna be few and far between!

I love you guys! And I miss you all so so so so much!

(Speaking of which.. Jen. We GOTTA plan a breakie date soon! I mean, hello! We're the only 2 still around, and we haven't seen each other in what, 2 months? Unbelievable! So.. yeah. Let me know when you're free, girl!!!! *hugs*)

The KLCC CWs!

Sharm, Steph and I went to KLCC on Tuesday to.. unwind. Okay, so I'm lying. We actually went there to - get this - eat! Haha! What, though, we didn't know. We ended up eating at the Manhattan Fish Market, and before you all go, "WHAT? ELAINE EATING FISH?!!!", I have to say I was pleasantly surprised, and the fish there actually tasted pretty damn good!

Anyway, after a stint at Starbucks (which we frequent like as if we're the daughters of Ringgit manufacturers), we went to our usual hang out, KLCC Park, to um.. there really is no better way to put this.. cam-whore. Haha!

Here are some of the pics taken.. and a couple taken at home! :)

My "twin" and I.. Um. That's the opinion of others, NOT our own! Does anyone see the resemblance? (Other than in choice of clothes colours la!!)

What ya starin' at? Eh? Don't you be messin' with us, or we'll.. we'll.. take a picture with you!

Chillin' on the grass (to borrow a Stephy phrase *winks*).. This was after we were turned into the equivalent of a flower garden by a couple of Bangladeshi tourists! Haha.. Oh God's punishing us for our cam-whoric ways!!

Lyin' on the grass at KLCC Park.. The things that we do for pictures! *shakes head sadly*

The three 87'ers! I love my two big "sisters" so so so much!!! We do have the strangest, funnest times, don't we girls? :)

Back home, in front of Aunty Ivy's flower cart thing! There are ORCHIDS in it! ORCHIDS, I TELL YOU! :D

Just A Thought..

Why do people fight? Why do we tear each other down, just so we can have the upper hand? Is it really so hard to have a discussion, rather than an argument?

Oh sure, it's perversely satisfying to unload all our frustrations onto someone else, make them a human dartboard. But who do we hurt in the long run? Does lashing out at others because we don't have our own lives in order make us feel any better?

How could it, though? To live with the knowledge that we knowingly hurt someone else just to make ourselves feel "superior" or whatever... I don't see how anyone could! And it's a vicious cycle, really. If we're in the habit of lashing out.. then the worse we feel, the more we take it out on the people around us!

Sometimes it's important to acknowledge that we're human, that we make mistakes. And that our judgment isn't 100 % perfect. We need other people, those who are better at certain things than we are... and we should be humble enough to at least take into consideration the advice they offer.

Life isn't always as Ol' Blue Eyes says. Sometimes doing it our way isn't the right way. Whatever decisions we make should be based on what's BEST, not just what "I want" to do. If we live life solely for "I", then what about everyone else?

We're not alone in this world. And I suppose it'd be the best thing if everyone learned to remember that.

*sniffles*

OMG, guys, have you heard this song by Craig David? I bet the IS-ers have! Anyway, to the point, I'm usually not such a big CD fan.. but this song just SOOOO does me in! I mean, I go all icky and squishy (lol!) inside whenever I hear it! *sighs dreamily*

Haha.. Those who know me will probably know why, though. PLUS ol' Craig really DOES have a dreamy voice.. Even if I'm one of the few girls around who doesn't think he's the hottest thing since roasted marshmallows. Hehe..

Anyway, if you haven't heard it already, PLEASE go hear it! Although I warn you.. it's a ballad. In case you didn't deduce that already :)

Enjoy, people!!!

Unbelievable ~ Craig David
Always said I would know where to find love,
Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
But some times I just felt I could give up.

But you came and changed my whole world now,
I'm somewhere I've never been before.
Now I see, what love means.

It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.

In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
Hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how.

I'm alive, I'm in love you complete me,
And I've never been here before.
Now I see, what love means.

It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.

When I think of what I have,
and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Ohh yeah, break down and cry.

It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.

Now I see, what love means

Um. I Cannot Think Of A Title. Hehe.

David's leaving to go for his driving trial. His test's next week. Wooohoo! I can't wait for him to get his license.. so that I won't have to drive him around anymore. He can drive me! *dances 'round room gleefully*

There are days when I wish time would pass more slowly, that I will actually have the time to savour these last few days of my er, childhood, so to speak. I don't know why, but I've always associated "20" with enormous responsibility... an age where excuses dry up, and you really have to take credit or blame for any action. That scares me. But I suppose it's inevitable. The smart thing to do right now would be to face up to it, instead of running and hiding under the bed.

Other days, however, I want time to speed up! I want this year to be over, so I can work and save. If only I could earn enough in 3 months to go where I want to go, I'd work day and night to accomplish it! But unfortunately for me.. I don't only have finances to take into consideration. And believe me, it's easier to get a Visa to Israel than to get permission from my dad to let me go where I want to. Sigh. But I'm gonna try anyway!

Resolve is such a.. motivating thing. Lol. But in my case, I have a lot more than "I want" pushing me. This case is more of an "I NEED". Which makes it even stronger. The motivation, I mean.

I s'pose I might be looking too far ahead. I should take it one day at a time, and see how this goes. It's hard though. Because all I can seem to think about is where this'll lead. I know where I WANT it to go. But you never really know with life, do you?

Positiveness, Elaine! That is the key!

Now if only I can remember that...

More Party Pics

Hello! I know the Aussies and Uncle Jerome come to my blog sometimes, so I thought I'd put up more of the pics Jono has sent me for you guys to see! We had a lot of fun that day.. If you guys coulda been there it would've been even fun-ner! :) Lots of love xxx

The standard group pic.. But I think we all look great in it, don't you? Especially the 2 guests of honour! (And no, I don't mean the two kids :P)

Ethan and Ashley! Aren't they just the most adorable things you've ever seen? I love them to death!

Uncle Freddie and his family.. Bunch of little monkeys! :) But they're so lovable, you'll forgive them anything!

Wow! They're behaving! Well.. almost. But this is a pretty good picture! I love my baby cousins! And yeah.. my uncle and aunt too. Haha..

Okay.. I have to go now. Will put up a few more next time. Bye people!

Short One..

Not much to post today, except that I have TOTALLY pigged out this weekend! I think I ate at least 6 ais krim potongs! Oh lordy. I am sooo gonna be the hippo David keeps calling me if I keep this up! Oh, and the Tim Tams in the fridge aren't exactly helping matters. Ooh boy. Darn my fat thighs!

Okay, peeps.. I heard this song again while having lunch at Monte's - this great restaurant in Bangsar - today after SUCH a long time, and I fell in love with it all over again! Now I know why it used to be one of my favourite songs, mushy though it is! I'm gonna post the lyrics again - the last time I did it was 2 years ago, so I figure it won't hurt to post 'em again. Hehe. Enjoy!

Whenever You Call - Mariah Carey and Brian McKnight

Love wandered inside
Stronger than you
Stronger than I
And now that it has begun
We cannot turn back
We can only turn into one

I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call

And I'm truly inspired
Finding my soul
There in your eyes
And you
Have opened my heart
And lifted me inside
By showing me yourself
Undisguised

I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call

And I will breathe for you each day
Comfort you through all the pain
Gently kiss your fears away
You can turn to me and cry
Always understand that I
Give you all I am inside

I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call

I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch you fall
Whenever you call

Numbness, Wherefore Art Thou?

* This post has been deleted *

I'm sorry to all of you who've read that sorry post.. I should stop that. I'm experiencing something completely new, and I need to start dealing with it, and not run away from it, or blame anyone else for it. If I'm down, it's no-one's doing but my own.

Anyway, Jules and Mistuh Harry-Potter-Was-My-Roomie.. While I wish you guys coulda been there for me last night, I've just realised that what matters is that you would've if you could've. And I suppose that's all that counts.

Okay. Mission accomplished. Ta, all!

The GARDEN!

This are pics of my mum's and Aunty Ivy's garden in PJ. I chose to upload them coz I think the flowers and plants are just SO beautiful, that they deserve recognition of some sort.. And so do the garden's owners! They did almost all the hardwork by themselves! *applause* Anyway, enjoy the scenery!

This is of the front of the house... the garden gets fuller as you go around to the sides, though. Still.. I like it!

This is the view from the front porch... Probably the one of the barest spots in the entire garden.. which goes right 'round the entire house.

This part's outside David's bedroom window. What a view eh? :)

Outside the annex - Aunty Ivy's little side garden. Check out the flowers la! Isn't that just gorgeous?!!

The view from my bedroom window.. From one angle, la! I can actually see the whole backyard.. which is pretty beautiful for a backyard! :)

More of the backyard.. Like I said - one fine lookin' backyard! ;)

Ookay. That's about it for now.. I have to go back to PJ now, anyhow. Ta peeps and you know I love you! :)

My Bestest Best Friend!

I just read Ee May's blog, and girl.. your post on Dav was just so spot on! About best friends, I mean.

It's been ages since I wrote about my friends. Mainly coz I've been so caught up in my own little world. But that doesn't mean that they're far from my mind. I miss all the Insanely Saners like mad! And I still can't believe that I think of you guys under that old nickname.. even now! :)

Especially you, Jules. It's been ages since we last talked! Okay, so not all THAT long, since you only left last month, but it seems that way!

I really miss how we used to be able to call each other at random hours of the day, just to talk. I miss having her insights into the things that really matter to me... coz I know she'll never be anything less than honest with me. AND whip my sorry butt into shape in no time, if she thinks I'm acting like an idiot. Lol.

I miss her sense of humour - whacked out, though it is (lol!) - and the fact that SHE totally gets MY jokes, even though.. Well, yeah. My jokes are whacked out, too :P

I miss the way we used to be able to complete each other's sentences. That was freaky, eh Ju? Kinda shows that if you sit next to someone for long enough, they tend to rub off on you. And I was hardly ever in class! Can you imagine what we would've ended up like if I had come every single day? Hoooo boy! Doesn't bear thinking about, I think! *grins wickedly*

I miss just lepaking with her, and talking about everything from old school tales, to new boy ones. I miss the random bouts of Shakespearism.. and the times when she suddenly decides to talk like a heroine from a Jane Austen book, or something!

I miss the teasing about silly stuff, her absolute blur-ness about certain things (methinks she never quite bothered to listen to some teachers, did ya Juju? :P), her brilliance in others, even her inquisitive mind - although there WERE times when I wanted to strangle her for prolonging an already boring class by asking an already boring teacher more questions!!! LOL!

Suffice to say that I miss my kind, loyal, absolutely brilliant, caring, funny, smart, blur, I-greet-the-school-cat-before-Elaine best friend. Even all her little idiosyncracies - like never quite being satisfied with the results she gets.. even though they're usually top notch :) Oh, and the fact that she takes sarcasm to a whole new level... Lol!

God, I miss you, Jules! Even though the 12-year-old me would've laughed my head off if anyone had told me that you'd be one of the most important people in my life at age 19 (and your 12-year-old self probably would've been sooo utterly disdainful of the simple-minded fool who'd dare suggest such a thing, aye? :P).

But now that you are (against all odds.. haha!), I just wish you could be here when I'm going through one of the scariest, yet most exhilarating and, yes, amazing periods of my life! To be the sounding board that you always were, or just to talk sense into me when I seem to be flying off to Never Never Land yet again.

Oh! And I'm hoping this post'll make you feel guilty enough to actually write that letter you've been promising moi! ;) You owe me 3 by now, just so you know! Haha..

I love you girl! I am just SO glad that you're my bestest friend in the world, lousy correspondency, or whatever you wanna call it, aside! :) Couldn't ask for better - I really couldn't!

Big big hugs to ya.. and WRITE! Hmph. Or I won't let you live THIS down either ;)

Warning: EMO!!

I'd forgotten how emotional I get, watching Fahrenheit 9/11. Really, I cry everytime I see the lives lost for so - hollow - a cause.

It's a funny thing though, emotions. For so long now, I've managed to keep myself numb to just about everything - so much so that I've been travelling through life in auto-cruise mode. I react according to expectations, not feelings. Not genuine ones, anyway.

The fact that I'm beginning to feel real emotion again scares me. I can't seem to block out the bad stuff, too. I haven't worried about anything in such a long time, but now.. POW! I worry about everything - even things that I shouldn't be worrying about!

Oh boy. I don't know which is worse. I really don't. Not feeling anything can get pretty old after awhile... You tend to feel like you're on the outside looking in, like you're not really living your life.

On the other hand, feeling isn't exactly all that great, either. The overall vulnerability of knowing that your peace of mind lies in the hands of another person really is pretty hard to take. Especially if you've spent your entire life being vulnerable to the heartache that human beings always, somehow, seem to cause each other.

Whoopers. I've managed to switch back into the sad, whiny mode that's coloured all my posts since this time last year. Sigh. I really need to start focusing on the positive in my life - and not how that positive could turn out to be not-so-positive after all!

I shouldn't listen to doubters. I should just trust in how I feel. And what my instincts are more or less screaming at me. I should. It'd make life so much easier to take if I could just allow myself to believe 100%. But that seed of doubt's been planted, and it's going to take a hell of a lot on my part to weed it out.

Oh well. As usual, I sound more depressed than I actually am.. Lol. I can't decide whether to be happy, or apprehensive, that's the problem! It's so confusing, my head literally spins everytime I try to figure it out.

I guess I'll just have to ride this one out and if it all happens to work out, fantastic. I doubt I could be any happier than I would be if it did. But if it doesn't.. I'll just have to force myself to accept the fact - just like I've always done.

Only this time, it ain't going to be as easy as it's always been. This time, it'll be the hardest thing I have ever even THOUGHT of doing in my whole, entire, life.

Perfect Party Pictures

These pics were taken yesterday at my cousin Jono's, and Aunty Ivy's birthday party! I won't disclose her age la.. But I bet if you try and guess, you won't get it right! She's just absolutely stunning for her age, that much I can tell ya! :D Anyway, we had awesome fun last night! I loved every minute of it!


David and me.. Finally he's big enough for ME to sit on HIS lap! :D


Me and my darling cousin Jono! (Thanks for doing this for me, cuz! You're the BEST!)


Uncle Berty - The Balloon Man! It's hard to say who had more fun - him, or the kids! Haha! :D


How d'ya like my new hairstyle?? It's the BOMB, no? Haha! The cheeky lil cutie next to me's the Mad Hairdresser - Mr. Ethan Reece Fernandez! :)


Ooh! The Double-Chin Society! *rolls on floor laughing*


Fred, David, me, Divya and Sonya with the birthday boy and uh.. ok la!.. girl! :)


Me and my pet cockatoo! *insert maniacal laugh here*


Me and Jono again! (That's mum in the background.)


My darling Godma, who was also the birthday girl, Aunty Ivy! (Check out the glass in the hand, man.. never too far from her Bailey's, she is! Hehehehe.)


Don't we look alike? I think we do.. Do you?

I've Found Him! :D

Hey people.. I found this list when I was reading through one of my old diaries.. From last year, to be exact. This is the diary entry for 2nd November 2005:

Things I Want In/Of A Guy

1. Someone who loves me just as I am.
2. Someone who thinks about me as often as I think about him.
3. Someone who'll note my slightest wish or dream, and try to make it reality. (Ever watch "A Walk To Remember"?)
4. Someone whom I can be 100% my klutzy, clumsy self in front of, and he won't get turned off.
5. Someone I can eat sloppily in front of, and he'll just laugh about it in amusement.
6. Someone who's attuned to my every mood.
7. Someone who's concerned about me if I'm sick, and comes over to check on me.
8. Someone who offers to carry my books.
9. Someone who'll hold open doors, and pull out chairs for me.
10. Someone who'll defend me - even to his friends.
11. Someone who'll hold me when I'm down.
12. Someone who'll wipe away my tears.
13. Someone who would hate to do anything that would make me cry.
14. Someone who would consider me his number 1 priority.
15. Someone who'll make time for me when he knows I want to spend time with him.
16. Someone who'll WANT to spend time with me!
17. Someone who isn't afraid to tell me how he feels.
18. Someone who thinks I deserve to hear it.
19. Someone who's willing to share his life with me.
20. Someone who's able to list out the things he likes about me.
21. Someone who's willing to do his share of the work.
22. Someone who loves me as much as I love him.
23. Someone who thinks I'm special.
24. Someone who treats me like I am.
25. Someone who's willing to sacrifcie for me.
26. Someone who's willing to allow me to love him.
27. Someone who remembers the things I do or don't like.
28. Someone who actually takes the trouble to find out.
29. Someone who's honest with me about how he feels, no matter how "shy" he is.
30. Someone who loves me for me. That's really all I'm asking for.

Needless to say, I was probably in a really emo mood when I wrote that one. Lol. And I realise that it's an absolute whopper of a list for ANYONE to fulfill.

But guess what, folks? I've actually found someone who does. Every single one of those things, bar the few that aren't possible due to certain circumstances. But I know if he could, he would be all of the above and more!

Maybe having standards was a good thing after all - I've managed to find perfection just one year on! :) The funny thing is, I'd forgotten I even wrote that list! But when I met him, it was like, WHAM! I completely fell for him without even realising how or why! Now I know. He's everything I've ever dreamed of and more.

And God help me, I am completely and hopelessly in love with him - with everything that he is, and everything that I just know he could be.

I love him. I do.

More Pancake Cookies!

We made pancake cookies again yesterday! And loaded 'em up with chocolate chips.. Loads and loads and loads of chocolate chips! Now, while I only have pics of the ones that didn't flatten to 1 mm per piece (hehe), you should just check out the amount of chocolate chips there are in those things! They may look a little odd, but they taste great!

Recipe for good chocolate chip cookies: Load up on the chocolate chips! You won't regret it! :D

I'll put up the ones which are real skinny when I get 'em. They're so thin, they're practically anorexic! Poor cookies.

(PS: Do you see the cookie that looks like Winnie the Pooh? That wasn't intentional! :P)

Just FYI...

I don't know what came over me last night! Haha.. I wrote that last post in an absolute stupor. Now if you'd note the writing style, the spelling errors, the missing words.. Well, let's just say I had no idea at all of what I was writing.

In fact, I couldn't remember it at all until I went to my blog just now, and saw it! I have absolutely no memory of ever writing ANY of that down! How strange is THAT?

Oooh. Word to the wise: Never eat pasta on the day you're due to get the usual, excruciating phenomenon they call menstrual cramps. That's just.. dumb. Utter stupidity. Because nothing makes you want to throw up more than too much cheese and flour and random contraction-like aches in the abdominal area. UGH.

I shouldn't be blogging right now. I really shouldn't. But I have to write. If not I'll go bonkers! This is my only outlet, folks. It doesn't matter WHAT I write, as long as I write. Don't know if that makes sense to you, but if it doesn't, don't bother trying to figure it out. It won't work. I think to weirdly for good ol' normal folk. Sigh.

ANYWAY. I shall end here. Coz I'm rambling already and that ain't ever a good thing!

So, ta, y'all, and I'll see y'all around. Someday. I hope.

Stuff. for S.

Another random one tonight.

I don't know why I've been like this lately. So caught up in a world of my own. Sometimes I feel like an outsider, looking in on my life and wondering, "Who IS that girl?"! I've changed so much, withdrawn deeper into myself... I'm not letting anybody get close anymore and that scares me, if only just a little.

Although.. I think I know of someone who's been able to make me feel again. But the problem with this is, I'm feeling the NEGATIVE as well as positive reactions. The hurt, the vulnerability - all of it. But that doesn't mean that I'm not capable of love.

When do we find love anyway? Or does love find us? Is it wise to set boundaries on what we count as partner material or not? Is it wise to choose a partener solely on his absolutely briliant?

I don't know. But it certainly is possible. What IS love anyway?

I think what I'm feeling is. And it's an absolutely raptourous thought that I get to see him everyday.

Anyway I think I'll end here. I'm becoming pretty incoherent now so.. yeah. = I'll quit before I write morne nonsesnse!

Good night, y'all!
Goodnight all!

Retainer Rant

I have to wear this retainer-like thingy that my dad got after he went for an aesthetic dentistry course today. Apparently it's to correct the slight overbite I have.

Great idea, except that the thing is bloody painful and I can't talk! I literally can't say a word - just make odd grunting noises in accordance to what the words sound like. Gah. My parents find that hilarious, of course, and the fact that I can barely close my mouth around it is apparently the joke of the century.

"Her teeth will be fine, but she'll need plastic surgery to get her lips back in place! Hahahahaha!"

Bah. Humbug.

You'd think the man who made me wear this thing in the first place would be more sympathetic, but NOOO. He's the biggest culprit of all! My mum is a little kinder - but not much!

David's the only one who tells me not to wear it.. coz it makes me a "fatso nerd". Or was it "nerdy fatso"? I can't quite keep up with the many insulting nicknames he has for me. Lol. They change everyday!

God save the queen. This'll be the longest six months of my life!

List-ful!

Mmm.. I haven't made a list in a long time. And we all know how much I like lists. Strange lists. Random lists. Completely unfollowable lists. But lists just the same!

I think I'll make a random one today. Because I'm half asleep, but I can't sleep coz I'm thinking too much. About somethi.. No, that's not quite right, but I won't bother elaborating. Takes waaay too much effort to write in double entendres when the brain's shut down! Hehe.

Here goes...

21-Things-Elaine-Can-Think-Of-While-In-A-Stupor:
1. I just realised how much I love the movie "Dear Frankie" after watching it again last night! Simple, straightforward, heartfelt movies ROCK!
2. One random conclusion from the movie: Gerard Butler is hot-ness personified! Drownable eyes, super-bod, Scottish accent.. what more could you ask for? Hypothesis confirmed ;)
3. I am a sucker for sad parent-child, family-ish tales. I cry. Buckets.
4. The song "Butterfly Kisses" makes me cry, too. Reminds me of me and my dad!
5. Adam Sandler is actually a not-too-bad actor! Amazing how life surprises you.
6. I'm an Italian food addict. Like, for real. I could live on it.
7. David says my kids will be the only Malaysian kids whose complaints about their meals will be: "Mum! Not pasta again!"
8. Ribena + vodka tastes like cough syrup. Uck.
9. Vodka any other way is fine. Fantastic even. And yes. It's my favourite sorta alcohol.
10. New personal record: I haven't read a novel longer than 300 pages since.. March, maybe? I haven't had the available brainpower to concentrate for long enough to finish it while I'm still interested!
11. I should learn to stay away from chocolates. My thighs are suffering! So are my skirts.
12. Ethan is the cutest kid I know! And the cuddliest! He is 3.. and calls me "Yane". So cute!!!
13. David and I have the most un-(dis?)-proportionate legs in the universe. Thigh-calf length ratio is absolutely whack. Too short thighs, too long calfs. That, folks, is the sad story of our legs.
14. I love roses - unless they're red, white or yellow. But orchids are my absolute favourite flower. In case you haven't figured that out already.
15. Westlife is the greatest boyband alive. 'Nuff said.
16. I. Absolutely. Dread. Turning. 20. The "teen" in my current age makes it easier to still try to be a kid - even if I haven't exactly been one in years.
17. I miss my kids!! Haven't seen them in weeks!!
18. My 5-year-old Sunday School class kids, people. Lol. Don't worry.
19. I want a golden retriever! *sniffles* Or any other large, friendly dog. Tiny dogs are cute, but I'd like my dog to be big enough to hug without suffocating him.
20. It's possible that I've finally figured out what I want in a man! Hip hip hurray! You don't want to know about that now, though. That list is... longer than this one, I think!
21. The reason I watched "Dear Frankie" again was coz of an impulsive need to hear Scottish accents. (Gerard Butler was a major plus! Hehe..)

All righty, I have to go try figure out some Trigonometry thingy again - the solution's been eluding me since.. yesterday, technically.

[PS: Anyone have any idea where to find the VCD/DVD of the movie Chocolat? Need help. Let me know if you do..! *biiig hugs in advance*]

22 Years!

It's my parents' 22nd anniversary. Twenty-second. 22 years. That's 3 years older than I am. And in my books, that's LONG.

How do people do it? Stay together for so long, I mean. How do they survive living with same person, day in day out, knowing them inside out and upside down? How do they do it, in spite of the arguments and fights and sometimes extremely hurtful words?

I don't understand it at all. But then, I think maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Maybe love isn't meant to be "figured out". Maybe it's enough to know that it exists and just give in to it.

Maybe love makes it impossible not to care about the other person. Impossible not to miss them. Impossible to imagine life without them. Even when they hurt you so badly, it almost destroys you.

I guess love isn't something that can be controlled. You either do, or you don't. There isn't any in-between. It's only the TYPE of love that changes, I think. If it ever does.

Maybe I'll be so lucky as to find that man one day. A man that I love enough to endure anything for. Until I find him, though, I don't ever want to commit myself to a marriage. Coz marriage is tough enough as it is, with love to guide you through the rocky parts!

That's why I admire my parents. And that's why I'm so happy for today (well, other than the fact that I wouldn't exist if not for it! lol..). They've stuck out the bad times and remained faithful to each other in all ways. And in spite of all the bickering that really is inevitable when you're in each other's faces all the time, they still love each other enough to fight for what they've got!

And that's the kind of marriage I want - with the man I'd be willing to fight dragons for! And for once, this is not me being loony with my head in the clouds. For once, this is the real thing and I hope that I'll always remember it!

I Don't Have A Clue!

I'm addicted to Celine Dion. Really, I am. Mainly coz I'm a sucker for mushy romantic ballads. I wonder why that is.

What I DO know is that I have the Hero syndrome. The knight-in-shining-armour-who-sweeps-you-off-your-feet syndrome. [Oh, bite me. I can't help it.] ALTHOUGH.. I don't think I'm quite cut out for the whole helpless, swooning maiden who needs saving role.

Sigh.

What is to do? What IS to DO? Poor Elaine doesn't know.

[Yo Vin, you still up for forgoing the male species and setting up the Old Maids With Kids association? :P ]

God, I'm such a sad case! Haha.

I miss the DEDS. We used to "sing" every single holiday since we were 10! Right up til.. 2003, was it? Although our "repertoire" only consisted of all things Westlife, with a little BSB, Blue and Linkin Park (lol!) thrown in here and there. So saddening la, this eras being over business. Me no liking!

Speaking of Westlife.. I heard they're heading to Singapore as part of their Asian tour? Anyone with info, let me know please! What can I say? Old fanaticisms die hard! Although I think it's a shame they don't come to Malaysia anymore. Especially after the turnouts at their concerts! The football game they had was amazing too - we made a GORGEOUS banner, I tell ya! Although, "Westlife - Sultans Of Our Hearts"..? Oh well. I think if I could go back and do it all over again, I'd probably do it exactly the same!

Mm. So much for living in the present. All my thoughts lately have been about the good ol' days.. I wonder why. Maybe that's what happens when you read your own blog archives. (There you have it - clear, undeniable proof that I have no semblance of a life. Sigh.)

That's probably also how I know my writing's deteriorated. I should be 2 years maturer, but NOOO. Still the same ol' Elaine. Wheeee! Hm.. Maybe I should be thankful for that. I actually kinda liked the old me better. The new me's too reclusive for my liking! For real.

Uh oh. I'm runnin' away with myself. See? This is what happens when I just leave my fingers to their own devices. Sigh. They can't be controlled, I tell ya!

OOOookay. Will shut up now.

Have a good day!

PS: Man U won their first Champions League game against Celtic last night and they top their group! Yeeehaww! :D

Round and Round and Round It Goes...

I just realized that I have some very distinct habit patterns. Especially around exam times.

Case No. 1:
Sleep has come easily to me for the past year - I could sleep before 12, sometimes as early as 10. And I could wake up early, too - 5.45 a.m. was pretty standard.

However, ever since August drifted (sped?) to a close and tagged good ol' September, I haven't had ANY sleeping patterns to speak of. One day I'll sleep at 7 p.m., wake up at 6.45 a.m. - barely. Another I'll not sleep at all... and spend the rest of the day like the zombie I used to be in high school.

Case No. 2:
I haven't blogged properly in months. All of a sudden, just when the trials start, I'm blogging every day! And it's not like I have anything of consequence to say. I just have this compulsive need to type.

It's deja vu, folks. This thing's scarily similar to what I was during the months leading up to the SPM exams. Oh, and I've started the coffee infusions. Again. After a whole year of trying to wean myself off dependance on caffeine.

Yippee!

Now if only my writing capabilities could revert to what they once were, life would be absolutely glorious. I rue the day that I stopped blogging properly! My writing skills are so rusty they make Malaysia's old underground pipes look like pure silver *mutters in frustration*

Words don't flow as easily as they used to.. I remember a time when I didn't have to think at all, just let my fingers move.

Hm.. maybe that's the answer. I'll try that tomorrow and see what I come up with. Oooh boy. It's been a long time... Oh well. Worst I can do is make a complete fool of myself - which won't be anything new, either!

Win-win, folks, that's what it is!

Now if only that bloomin' Astro Smartcard would work, life would be absolutely peachy.

Goodbye my lovers.

Set Adrift On A Memory Bliss..

Anyone remember that BSB song? It's pretty old by now - what, 7 years, maybe? Oh well, doesn't matter if you don't. The song isn't the point here. The title is.

Lately I keep getting flashbacks of what life was like in MGS, during the school hols with my darling, darling cousins, choir practices...

Even our completely neurotic conversations, Ju! What was that you called me again? Sleepy Suicidal Zombie-like Mole? I still can't quite get the order right! Man oh man.

(To the uninformed - no, I wasn't suicidal. The MOLE was suicidal. I was just sleepy and zombie-like. Ju Li just decided we were both the same person is all. I know. She's delusional. She actually thought the school cat would care if she greeted it. Right. And I doubt you're making any sense of this "explanation". Hehe. I am evil.)

I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling so nostalgic. Maybe it's the meds I'm taking. They're making feel like I'm floooaaatiiingg..... *dances around room*

I'll leave you with a bit (just the top half) of another song I've been wondering about.. do guys actually wanna hear stuff like that? I can NEVER tell! Adios, amigos!

Tell Him - Celine Dion and Barbara Streisand

I'm scared
So afraid to show I care
Will he think me weak
If I tremble when I speak
Oooh - what if
There's another one he's thinking of
Maybe he's in love
I'd feel like a fool
Life can be so cruel
I don't know what to do

I've been there
With my heart out in my hand
But what you must understand
You can't let the chance
To love him pass you by

Tell him
Tell him that the sun and moon
Rise in his eyes
Reach out to him
And whisper
Tender words so soft and sweet
I'll hold him close to feel his heart beat
Love will be the gift you give yourself

QnA With Ze Gueen

Whoopee! Haven't done one of this in awhile! This was taken from Ju's blog. JEN! I didn't receiver the one you sent me.

Okay people, I'll just post and be gone. I need sleep. Oh, and I'll add the colour colour all when I get back to my good ol' comp in Klang.

************

1. Whose picture is it that you keep in your wallet?
* Only pictures in my wallet are on my IC and driving license. David's baby pic was there, once upon a time!

2. What time do you go to bed?
* Generally it's around 12 a.m. But lately I've taken to staying up til 3 in the morning, at least! I was reading through my archives - and it seems that this is standard exam behaviour for me! Sad sad sad.

3. What's on your mind just now?
* How to get the car so I can go buy some junk. Food, I mean. My house is SERIOUSLY lacking in nutrient-free goodies. Bah. It's no wonder I'm so cranky these days!

4. What was the latest movie you saw?
* Hm.. Snakes On The Plane, I think. Not bad for a movie which had some of the most artificial looking snakes every created by mankind.

5. When was the last time you went out?
* Sunday - took Ryan, Brandon and Ethan (my lil cousins) out for ice cream with Sharm, Dave and mum.

6. What do you hate the most for now?
* The fact that we're made to study things which will have no effect whatsoever on what we're going to do! I'm absolutely NOT gonna do differentiation with the number of my patient's teeth.

7. What things you want to do now?
* Just for the exams to be over and done with. They making me go out of my mind! Plenty of proof of THAT lately, if you asked me.

8. What do you do everyday besides eat?
* Watch TV, read, try to study, go online... repeat cycle and end with sleep at whatever hour I feel like it. Hm. Is it just me or don't I seem to have social life? Lol.

9. Talked on the phone just to say good night?
* Just to say goodnight? Uh.. Never?

10. Miss someone?
* Yes indeedy! A few someones in fact - top o' the list being the famously infamous INSANELY SANE! (Still can't believe that nickname stuck.. haha!)

11. Are you a coffee addict?
* I was - especially when I was 17. I've cut down now, but maybe that's why I've been so moody this year! Caffeine withdrawal symptoms! AHA! No one shall stand between me and my coffee! No one on this ball we call Earth!

12. Are you satisfied with your life now?
* Not exactly. I'm not doing what I REALLY want to do... but in so many other ways, I live a charmed life - so I shan't complain more about THAT.

13. Will you share a glass of water with a friend?
* Why the hell wouldn't I? We share ice creams, for cryin' out loud!

14. When was the last time you ate seafoods?
* Ages and ages ago! Oh hang it all. Now I've got a craving for seafood. GRRRR.

15. Ever had a food fight?
* Um.. don't think so. But we usually came up with pretty nasty concotions; to describe just one - crushed vitamin C tablets with milk, grape juice, biscuit bits and the oil from the cod liver oil capsule.

Ugh.

16. What do you usually eat for breakfast?
* Nowadays I'm a good girl and eat bread. Before this it was a cuppa coffee, and out the door I go!

17. Lost a friendship over something stupid?
* Nope, not really. I've never actually LOST a friendship.. we just sort of drifted apart and started hanging out with different people.

18. Who's on your mind?
* Dumdeedoo.. this one's easy! And I am SO not telling! Muahahahahaha!

19. How's your heart lately?
* According to my know-it-all lil bro, I have arrythmia (did I spell that right?). According to me mum, it's palpitations. All I feel is an adrenaline rush every now and then. Question: Menopause doesn't occur at 19, does it? Haha.

20. Reminds you of ur 1st love?
* I can't remember who my first "love" was! Too darn many teeny weeny crushes over the years. That's what happens when you start noticing boys too early. You either forget a whole lot, or you're scarred for life (esp when older guys are involved!)

21. Ever had a crush on a teacher?
* Yeah, Ju! Rudy and David Fan! Haha.. I can't believe we all actually had crushes on them! They must've been, what, 25? And we were, like, 11! *shakes head sadly* We really were delusional, huh!

*****************

That's the best thing about memories.. They make your life seem like it really happened, that you weren't just drifting through life aimlessly without ever leaving a mark in someone's heart that says, "I Was Here"!

Ta, peeps.

Shortie

I am BACK!

Okay, not for REAL real because I doubt I can be on much longer. I give my parents about 5 minutes tops before they come in here and drag me off.

Sigh. I choose the best times to blog, don't I?

I'm so out of practice at this that I can't think of anything to write at all! But I just figured I should get back in the habit. My writing skills lately have been appallingly atrocious! I can't seem to construct a nice, concise sentence. What most people can say in 5 words, I say in 26.

Ugh.

Moving on.

David's got his L license! Gosh, does time fly... I've been a C (what does that stand for?) driver for more than a month now, and my baby brother is going to get his P license pretty soon. *shakes head in disbelief*

It's pretty hard to swallow, this time thing... especially since I still think of him as this little thing that I have to protect at all costs. Sigh. But I still give in when he begs me to take him out on "test drives"! I'm a sucker for his big, puppy-dog "pweeeassseee!" eyes. Argh. Have more backbone, girl!

Y'know, I'm missing the Insanely Sane like crazy right now. I have no idea why. Or maybe it's coz you guys are my best friends and I haven't seen a single one of you in a month! And Ju's in Hong Kong and Ee May's in Adelaide.. Jen, we HAVE to coordinate our schedules one day or I'm gonna get much insaner than is normal, even for me! Haha. I miss you guys la! You have NO idea how much! (In fact, I think you guys are the reason that I'm blogging today.. I just realized that!)

The post that is hardly a post has to end here. Mum just threatened to pull out the wires. Hehe. Told you!

I'll try and not procrastinate too much and write a PROPER one soon.

Over and out.

Nana

I can't write much right now coz I'm running out of time.. Er. That didn't sound right. I'm just using my cousins' comp, and I have to go home now, is all.

SO. A lot of things have been going on lately, not all of it good. It's been a tough month or so, and just last week my grandmother, whom I've been helping to look after a little, passed away on the 2nd of August. She was 92, so she's lived a good long life. I know that, and I also know that she's in a better place, free from all the pain and suffering that is part of this life.

However, I can't help missing her presence in my life. It feels so weird, especially since there was a time when I couldn't stand spending so much time with her. But now, I'm glad that I did. I have memories that no one else will ever have of her, and I can reassure myself that she knew I cared, right up to the end.

It's still pretty hard to accept - she's been a fixture in my life for 19 years, a constant, if you will. But now she's gone. And a whole generation with her. I never did get to learn the songs she wanted to teach me "when she got better", or her cream puffs and custards, which she was supposed to teach me to make during the holidays. A lot of wasted chances, and I guess the regrets are just starting to surface, since the fact that she's gone forever is only just starting to sink in.

Anyway, I'll end this depressing thing now. But I have absolute faith that she's happier now than she's ever been in her looong life. And I really do thank God for that.

Bye peeps.. I LOVE YOU ALL!

Okay Already! :P

I have been accused of neglecting to post. Lol. I'm afraid I shall have to plead guilty to that one. Sigh. I so rarely get on the computer these days that when I do, I sort of lose whatever it is I'd been meaning to write about all week long! Pathetic, eh?

Anyway, last week was rather eventful - the week-long Golden Jubilee Treasure Hunt took up basically all of our time ["our" being Allan, KP, Jessmine and me]. I must say that I was pretty impressed with the resilience of some of the participants - I know the course we Upper Sixers set was NOT easy. But they still carried on with relative good humour. Great sports, they were. I'm so proud of them!!!! [Cue - "Awww!"]

I beginning to rediscover the joys of single life.. It's just so much simpler! No guilt, no keeping awake wondering if he's missing you, no watching your every step so as not offend him or embarrass yourself, no forcing yourself not to notice other hotter guys.. Man! Contrary to what Mr. Teddy would have me think, I'd say the single life is a heck of a lot easier! At this stage in life, at least :) [But knowing me I shall find someone to have a crush on again.. like, tomorrow. Sigh. SAD!]

Y'know, I noticed something - the minute I stop praying, my life just comes crashing down around my ears. I'm serious! Take one step back and immediately I'm swamped with temptations. It's REALLY scary. To all Christians reading this - if our lives feel like it's going nowhere, that's probably coz it's not focused in the right direction. As long as our goal is Jesus, everything'll fall into place - somehow. I guess we just have to trust in that.

And for all my rantings and ravings about crushes and broken hearts, I know that these things are only fleeting... It's just time I make myself remember that :D Oh, I'll still complain, coz it's plain good fun to discuss ridiculous relationships on a very public blog (lol!), but as long as I know I'm keeping the reality in perspective.. Yeah.

Okay, gotta go. Have to head back to PJ now. Bye til next time! :)

Pacifier :)

Okay, I admit I'm a lousy updater. THERE. I said it. [Satisfied, KP Chen? :P]

I've hardly been able to find the time to think about what to write, let alone write it! Blame it on lack of sleep la, if you want. The World Cup is really taking it's toll! Haha.. But I ain't complaining. This is one of the most fun times in 4 years!

There's a week-long Treasure Hunt going on in school right now, and we 6th Formers are planning it. Or rather, the Lower 6-ers are planning the preliminary rounds, and the Upper 6 is doing the final. Thus far it's been a fun sort of headache. And good exercise too!

WC updates - ENGLAND IS IN THE QUARTER FINALS!

That's all there is to know, baby :D

I'll end with by sharing the lyrics of a song by Christian pop group Avalon - I love the lyrics to this song coz they're just so TRUE! I wish I knew how to put up MP3s or whatever.. This song is beautiful! Bye people..

Everything To Me

I grew up in Sunday School
I memorized the golden rule
And how Jesus came
To set the sinner free
I know the story inside out
I could tell you all about
The path that led Him up
To Calvary

But ask me why He loves me
And I don't know what to say
But I'll never be the same because
He changed my life when He became

Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page
Of history
He's the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything
Everything to me

We're living in uncertain times
And more and more I find
That I'm aware of just
How fragile life can be
I wanna tell the world I've found
A love that turned my life around
They need to know
That they can taste and see

So everyday I'm praying
Just to give my heart away
I wanna live for Jesus
So that someone else might see
That He is

Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page
Of history
He's the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything

And looking back over my life at the end
I'm gonna meet You
Saying You've been

You're everything to me
You're more than a story
More than words on a page
Of history
You're the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
You're everything
Lord, You're everything to me

WORLD CUP FEVER!

THE WORLD CUP HAS BEGUN!

Up in arms, all ye England fans! Let's dream of a 40-year coming, much deserved (lol) VICTORY!

WooohOoooOoo! One whole month of action, baby! Oooh bliss!

Tonight, England vs Paraguay..

WATCH IT!

God Save The Queen!
Signing off - Gary Neville (as of the year 1997).

Under, Er.. Construction :)

Hey people! Got some problems with the template, so everything's missing for awhile.. Will try and rectify it ASAP though :)

Thanks for all your help, Pat and Jono!!!!

Mwa mwa all!

Elaine

Two Sides Of A Coin :)

You know how they say that the best things in life are unexpected? That's true, but also disastrously untrue.

Let's look at the same quote in the 2 different contexts based on life experiences. (My life la, of course!)

*************

True
David and I were coerced into going for a youth retreat in Johor last week. I can tell you now that my reaction was "WHAT THE HELL FOR?!" I've been for gazillions of youth retreats and they're all the same - shallow, a bit fun, and VERY superficial.

Boy, was I wrong.

I went in expecting to be mildy entertained, and what I got was a slam bang "WAKE UP ELAINE!!" call. I think it shocked me into paying attention. Which is a good thing, because my life has pretty much been derailed for a long while now. And I finally got the shake to get me back on track.

Oh, and the youth there were definitely not what I was expecting. I'm so used to the clique-ishness of the KL crowd that it was a VERY refreshing surprise to note that the Johor youth welcomed Dave and me into their crowd without so much as a blink.

That = good unexpectedness.

False
I have an old friend. Who thus far has been nothing more than an old friend. Who was never particularly attractive either. But when I met said old friend again recently, my heart just went BOOM! Talk about an unpleasant shock.

And I think I know why - I've seen just how much more mature he is now, and how strong he is, and I can't deny that he's become so much more appealing than I ever remember him being. Which would be entirely ridiculous if I hadn't been so aware of WHY I've started becoming attracted to him - something that has NEVER happened to me before.

Those who know me know that I usually have NO clue why I like the guys that I do. This time, I know exactly why, and the reason is so solid that it terrifies me no end. Okay, I wouldn't classify him as good-looking, but he actually has substance this time.

Best part is, I have to force myself to act normal in front of him. I hate that. And I think he noticed something was wrong. I'm hoping not, though. It'd be soooo awkward! Sigh.

And, that folks, is the bad side of the unexpected.

*************

So you see? That's why all quotes shouldn't be taken at face value. The prosecution rests.

Court dismissed! Goodnight!

TRIUMPH OF THE SOUL PATROL!

I know this is old news, but:

THE SOUL PATROL HAS CURED THE MCPHEEVER!!!!

Hahahaha! I love it, baby :D Y'know, I screamed so loud when Ryan Seacrest said "Taylor Hicks" that our maid came running from the kitchen - which is waaaay on the otherside of the house - to see what happened :P I think I scared her to death.

Teehee.

But but BUT, my FAVOURITEST (lol) part of the show, was BY FAR!, the "surprise" appearance by Clay Aiken. Have I ever told you that I'm in love with Clay Aiken and would marry him, like, now? Haha. Yeah. Well, now you know :D I'd marry him - even if he DOES kinda look like a Korean actor now (what's with the hairstyle, man? *shakes head*)

And Yin - he's mine! But if you want, I'll loan him to you on Monday.. since it's your birthday and all.... Haha.

CLAY AIKEN! WOOooOOHhOOO! He's MY American Idol. I love Elliott.. but Clay's still No. 1. Nombor Satu. Numero Uno. Er... I don't know any other languages so I'll shut up now.

AH YEA! The school holidays have started. WHOOPPEEE! 2 weeks of.. well, freedom of sorts. No school is ALWAYS a good thing. 'Cept that I'll have to work on my Math. Needless to say, I still suck at it. Big time.

OH! It's still the 26th isn't it?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JU LI AND DAVID!!!!

Amazing coincidence that my bro and best friend share the same birthday, ey? Weird! And they're turning into each other!!! It's so freaky...

Anyway. Gotta go now.

WooHOoooo! CLAY AIKEN! IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou!

Right. BYE!