Um...

Have you ever missed someone so much that it becomes an ache that refuses to go away, no matter what you do to distract yourself? Even when you know that it's simply circumstances and nothing more, you can't help but wish things were different, that you were more capable of changing those circumstances. And then it hits you that you're powerless... no matter what you do, how much effort you put it, there is only so much you can do. The feeling of impotence is overwhelming. But you can't regret anything because, despite the pain, every little bit of joy is worth it. Every smile, every shared moment... Then you realise you'd endure anything - anything at all, the uncertainty, the doubts, the worry.. everything, if only to have the complete happiness of being with the very same person you miss as you've never missed anyone or anything before.

Love Of My Life

I am amazed
When I look at you
I see you smiling back at me
It's like all my dreams come true

I am afraid
If I lost you (girl)
I'd fall through the cracks
And lose my track in this crazy lonely world

Sometimes it's so hard to believe
When the nights can be so long
And faith gave me the strength
And kept me going on

You are the love of my life
And I'm so glad you found me
You are the love of my life
Baby put your arms around me
I guess this is how it feels
When you finally find something real
My angel in the night
You are my love
The love of my life

Now here you are
With midnight closing in
You take my hand as our shadows dance
With moonlight on your skin

I look in your eyes
I'm lost inside your kiss
I think if I'd never met you
About all the things I'd missed

Sometimes it's so hard to believe
When a love can be so strong
And faith gave me the strength
And kept me holding on

You are the love of my life
And I'm so glad you found me
You are the love of my life
Baby put your arms around me
I guess this is how it feels
When you finally find something real
My angel in the night
You are my love
The love of my life

~ Jim Brickman and Michael W Smith~

Cuzzies!

I was just going through some of the pictures of my cousins, it suddenly struck me again that I love the lot of them to bits! I really do... Nearly all the best times in my life have been experienced with them, right there in the thick of it all. They've given me my best memories... There is no possible way that I could EVER forget just how much they mean to me!

Vin, Su, Yin, Ting, Sheryll, Jono...

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!

Thank You, Jesus!

I just got the best Christmas present ever.

I PASSED MY GRADE EIGHT PIANO EXAM!!!!!!!!!!!

WooohoOoOOo!!!

I don't have to learn a whole new bunch of excruciatingly difficult pieces, and I can just lepak next year! (At least when it comes to the piano...)

I just know one thing for sure... I didn't do this on my own. I have the God who, inexplicably, seems to come through for me every time, to thank.

As usual, I don't expect to get anything based on my performance, but He throws me a curveball every time and lets me know that even if everyone else fails me (including myself), He's always there.. and He won't ever let me down.

So yes... A very big THANK YOU to my Lord and Saviour, for never giving up on me, and being there for me when no one else is. Even those who say they love me.

Would NEVER have been able to pass without you.

Thank you, Jesus!

O Christmas, Wherefore Art Thou?

2 days to Christmas.

Somehow, this time, it feels just like any other weekend of any other month. There isn't that tingle of excitement I always get whenever Christmas is 'round the corner.

Sandy was right in a way.... As we get older, we get so caught up in the technicalities of Christmas (buying, baking, cooking..) that we actually forget to enjoy the season and it becomes just another bit of work to do.

I used to enjoy decorating the house. Now it feels more like housework. Or maybe that's coz if Yin hadn't been here, I'd have been doing the decorating alone. Which, frankly, isn't how the other Christmases used to be.

My tree now is pretty well decorated (if a little senget .. lol), but it doesn't have the charm of the trees that David and I used to painstakingly decorate as kids. Those trees were a mishmash of the oddest coloured decorations and moulting Santas, but there was a whole lot of enthusiasm behind 'em, and somehow the tree took on the sense of that and came alive!

Oh I know that sounds absurd, but to me, if everyone pitches in at Christmas, and we work together to bring in the season, then it becomes all that much better. Doing it alone somehow just makes it dull, lifeless almost.

I just want Christmas to have that spark again, that feeling of wide-eyed wonder. I miss it so much, that child-like anticipation while waiting for midnight on Christmas day.

All my life I've wanted to grow up - now that I have, I wish it hadn't happened so fast.

*sighs*

I hate feeling insecure. I absolutelye do. I hate it even more when I have no reason to be.

*smacks self on head*

Why do I allow myself to give in to these negative feelings anyway? No matter how I remind myself of certain things, I can't help but feel like I'm fighting a losing battle...

But 10 minutes later I perk up again and become all optimistic.

Sigh.

I should be WAY past (or still a loooong way from) the age where such crazy mood swings are a common part of life. But god.. sometimes it's hard not to doubt my sanity. Like, why do I do this to myself?

In my head I understand there are reasons.

My heart, however, is terrified beyond belief that it's being set up to being broken again.

Even if that isn't true, it's a hard feeling to get over. I'm trying though, I really am.

Maybe I've just got to try a little harder.

It's OVER!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. It's officially a week since The Ordeal, and I've been living the life of a SLOB ever since.

Sigh.

Ooh. Don't get me wrong, I'm thoroughly enjoying every second. Sleeping in, watching TV, reading all my hopelessly fluff-y, but completely entertaining collection of mindless romance novels.. And best of all - DUMPING MY SCHOOL BOOKS!!!! :D

WoooOooOohOoooO!

Okay, so I didn't exactly dump them. I packed 'em up. To give 'em to people whom I hope will make better use of them than I did. Actually, who'll make use of them, period. Hehe.

The funny thing is, I don't feel the same kind of nostalgia I did when I finished Form 5. Oh, I miss my friends, all right.. But I think it has more to do with the fact that I had absolutely no interest in the subjects I was learning. So finishing these exams were more of an un-loaded burden than anything else. It's hard to feel nostalgic about something you loathed, I guess.

No real after STPM list.. Except, maybe to:

1. Enjoy myself as much as I possibly can
2. Bake some cookies
3. Watch Gerard Butler in action as soon as The Game Of Our Lives hits the cinemas (old addictions die hard, I guess... hehe)
4. Figure out exactly what I'm gonna be sending Sandy (bit of a dilemma here coz I want it to be special!)
5. Have sleepovers with the Insanely Saners and Lim cousins. On separate days, o'course!
6. Catch up with Ee May. Haven't seen her in months.. Not a cool thing to happen, I assure you!
7. Get a job in a kindy in January! Can't wait for that one, either! :)

Okay, that's about the extent of my list at the moment. Pretty short, eh? There was so much more that I wanted to do after SPM.. Now, it just doesn't seem to matter anymore that I don't have all that much to do. In fact, it feels awesome!!! :)

All righty then! I shall leave before I write a novel.

Have a good one, you guys!