Analysis

Resolve. Determination. Stubbornness? Yes, even that. "You always must get what you want." - True story. [Disposition - fighter]. Giving up: not an option. Optimism. Self-efficacy. Lots of those! Realism is in place, but there is always a way. So? Fear has its place. But hey: internal locus of control, baby! Some things are just worth being my usual hard-headed self for.

Sleep

Sleep, I welcome thee

Because in you there's peace

A semblance, yes, but still

A mind that races

Imagination unsecured

Mazes and labyrinths

Of joys and woes

Fear and courage

Of weariness and hope

And yet, even in sleep

Heart calls to heart

Reaching out through

Space and time

So come sleep, let time pass

And tomorrow I shall wake up

In his loving arms.

Dreams

Thoughts that creep up on you

Dreams that persist

Of silly squabbles and roaring laughter

Of football games and cheese

A simple supermarket trip

A slow walk down the road

Touch of a hand, skin warm and smooth

There's no greater pleasure

My mind could perceive

But everyday I awake

To an empty space

A reminder of time still left

Before we share a meal

Or have an evening in

Just such simple things

Time still left to burn

Before dreams become reality.

30 Hour Famine: In Retrospect

The 30 Hour Famine has come and gone yet again. And all us campers have trotted off home with a sigh of a relief and a resounding "I survived!"

I've loved the idea of the Famine since I first heard of it in 07. It seemed a more relevant way of collecting funds than the usual jogathons or walkathons we did in school, plus it had the added benefit of creating not just factual awareness, but the actual experience of the plight of the people we were to help.

Every year, the organizers prepare a package of educational materials, including games, videos and presentations by their advocates and ambassadors in an attempt to expose the campers to what children today experience, living in war- or poverty-stricken areas. As a whole, these are superb as they highlight not just the stark reality of their plight, but they also take on a positive spin, showing us what can and is being done to fight it.

This year, though, my education came not directly from the content of the Famine, but how people were reacting to it, myself included. It's possible that not being on the committee this year (and thus, freed from the distraction of worrying about what needed to be done etc.), and being a volunteer instead of a camper, allowed me a little more time to observe and reflect on what went on. All these reflections are in retrospect, though, because actually being in the experience makes it tough to think beyond what you, personally, are experiencing (hence a HUGE kudos to World Vision for the experiential games -- probably the best learning tools of the whole camp!).

Sympathy, Not Empathy

One of the first things I realized once my brain kicked back into gear was how, although the camp was designed to help us feel what these people go through, my primary feelings were those of sympathy, not empathy. That is, while I appreciate and am horrified by the conditions so many people live in, I still couldn't put myself wholly in their situations. Why is this so?

I believe the purpose of having the Famine in the first place was to transport donors/campers INTO the world of these children, to make us live a day in their shoes. The problem for me was rather simple -- it was extremely difficult to imagine living a life that's a daily struggle for survival, simply because sitting in an air-conditioned hall, with clean water readily available, knowing the St. John's Ambulance team is on standby with emergency rations in case of severe gastric, etc., and being entertained for hours by delightful emcees who distract me from my hunger, was not conducive at all to developing empathy. It was almost as if we were at a 4D movie -- they were being brought into our hall, and although my heart went "awww" at all the appropriate moments, it was always from the outside looking in.

I also feel that the activities, while superb, actually created a situation where people were so distracted they forget about being hungry. I know that as a volunteer/committee member, the only times I ever felt hungry or tired or cranky was when I didn't have anything to do. How reminiscent is being busy all the time of what happens on the streets? Do people have the luxury of being distracted from their empty stomachs? I understand wholly from a marketing POV, and in the interest of safety and whatnots, why the campers are kept as comfortable as possible, with as little time to be bored as possible. 400 bored, hungry people would be rather difficult to deal with. However, again, these things could be brought into focus, helping people see that even though we're fasting for a "long" period of time, what we're going through barely even begins to scratch the surface of what people really living in poverty have to face.

Focus - What Are We REALLY Doing?

Another thing I was doing was grumble -- too cold, too tired, too loud... In retrospect, these are exactly the kind of feelings that should have been examined and brought to the fore. Instead of thinking about how to improve conditions for subsequent camps, these should be the sort of things that actually make us go, hey! We're given a chance to know what sleeping on a street with no warmth or bed is like, what people who have to work long hours with minimal sleep have to go through, how being homeless or poor means we have no control over the noises that invade our personal spaces -- night clubs, traffic, parties.. They have to put up with these things every single day, whereas we all had the choice of walking out, finding more comfortable sleeping spaces, etc.

At the concert - the final stretch - I know food kept crossing my mind, where to go, what to eat. How much to eat. But in retrospect, I think pushing away thoughts of food in those moments, and not indulging in them to the point of planning where to go, should be the ideal thing to do. Why? Because it immediately draws a huge line between us, privileged campers, and the poor. Because the poor don't have that option. They don't have the luxury of thinking, "Okay, so I've fasted for 20 odd hours now, what shall I have as a reward?" So in keeping with the spirit of the camp, I think we should avoid talk of post-Famine food binges and the thoughts on it pushed aside as far as we're able. Otherwise, we lose the plot in the last few hours, and that really is a shame!

Interestingly, this year the countdown started 10-15 minutes AFTER 4 p.m. And of course, I started doing this.. "4.01 p.m. -- eh? Still singing?? .. 4.03 p.m. -- aiyo, faster la!!! .. 4.07 p.m. -- whhaaaat?! Another song??! .." And so on. People were waving their bottles and bread in the air, most wondering why the concert was dragging on...But once again -- another lesson learned: why should we expect ANYTHING, when our purpose for doing the Famine is to live in the shoes of people who live day by day on faith, who cannot afford to have expectations, especially when it comes to their next meal. We grumble because we had 15 minutes added to our fasting time. What if we suddenly had to wait for days?

And so. Another lesson learned from my own sense of entitlement -- this is MORE of what sets us apart from the poor, and what should really makes us realize that we are beyond privileged just to be able to CHOOSE to do a Famine. Why grumble about what happens IN the Famine if we've voluntarily chosen to try to live like a poor person on the street? (And another thing: poor people don't get to see their favorite stars in concert at all, let alone for 4 hours running!!!)

Not Proud, Humbled

Lastly, I know that having completed the Famine leaves most people (myself included) with a sense of accomplishment, with the idea that "I survived!" But when I actually thought about it, I find that I could no longer feel proud of myself. Instead, I feel relieved and HUMBLED. Why? Because I struggled to do in 30 hours, what CHILDREN do for days and days. THEY are the survivors, not me. I am merely a spectator, let into their world for a flash of time, and so for me to feel like I accomplished something - while very normal and human - is missing the point a little. We came for the Famine, not to think about ourselves or focus on ourselves, but to understand and empathize with the people we are trying to help, to educate ourselves so we can offer the right kinds of assistance, and not waste effort and resources on what we "think" people need, but rather getting down to the ground and learning what they would really benefit from.

The only way we can actually do any of the above is to keep our thoughts focused on THEM. Any situation we encounter within the duration of the camp should be experienced and interpreted within the context of WHY we chose to do the Famine in the first place. If the point was to learn, then our comfort, our needs and expectations must be secondary to this incredibly humbling, worthwhile experience.

I'm grateful for this year's camp. It's taught me so much about myself, things that I'm not proud of, things that I'm now aware I take for granted. And also the home truth that if we want to actually start to help others, we need to wrench our focus away from ourselves and really take a look at our surroundings. The trick now is to continue to keep that focus once we're back in our bubbles.

- :) -

So much learned in so little time... And still infinitely more to discover and master. Something as simple as two little words have the power to bring so much happiness. Who would have thought. So much in life to see, to experience. But these small moments, pockets of bliss, are worth as much as the most brilliant sunset, if not more. And I pray they last a lifetime.

Learning Curve...

I've been learning a lot lately.

About how real transference-countertransference is in a counseling relationship.

About how much a someone's positive regard can matter.

About what it really takes to be loving towards someone - it isn't just being affectionate; it's about doing what you know is best for them, regardless of the cost to yourself.

About how idleness is the worst state to be in because it's then that my mind wanders to where it should never go. Not anymore.

About how love and self-control go hand in hand.

About how dreams and reality can be disparate in ways that force us to face new heights of dissonance; but ultimately, it also serves to help me realize just how much I can take and still be me. Good feeling, that, though lots of times, it's a consolation more than anything else.

About how to accept the things I can never, will never be able to change; things that my heart longs for but my head knows can never be so.

About how capable I really am of standing alone. And being more able to love because of it.

About how growth never follows a straight trajectory; it's fluid, and there are always lessons to keep on learning, even after we think we've already learned them.

In short, I'm learning to live 1 Corinthians 13 over and over again. Who would have thought, that in less than 3 months, so very, very much can change. Least of all, me.

Grrreen.

I hate green. Green is not my color. So why am I in over my head in it? Argh.

..

There's always a price to pay. No matter how long it takes. There's always a price. I understand that now. I just never thought it would hurt quite this much. But I deserve it. So I shan't complain. I brought this upon myself and have no other but me to blame.

Hm

How strange that time is so relative. When I see 7 minutes remaining on a series, I know there's a whole bunch of stuff still left to happen. 7 minutes left on a deadline is almost negligible. Wonder why.

Walls

I need clarity. Focus. Something. I woke up from a dream that's left me a tad disoriented but at the same time, it made hilariously aware that some things are quite deeply ingrained, even in my subconscious. I'm trying my best to learn. To remain two steps back. So much so I'm getting good at building walls. I doubt it's healthy but it helps keep me sane for the moment. No one needs to know how what they do affects me. Why should they? Life is complicated enough as it is. Funny how I never was this way til last year. But people change, I suppose. I just guard myself more than I used to. Is that so bad? Considering the alternative, I don't think so.

Go...

It's a familiar place, this. I just wish it wasn't so familiar. Might make it easier to sleep at night. :(

It's Only Words

Words are my haven. I feel safe with them. I feel lost without them. So many times I have to try to cling on to actions, instead, as they're supposed to speak louder than the words I crave - words that are somehow always few and far between. I can't explain how lost I feel without them. How many times they have been what has stood in the way of my going mad with worry, anxiety, grief. I survive on words, thrive on them.

People just don't realize how important they are. They confirm the meaning in our actions. They provide the context, so that others can understand the gestures that we make to show some feelings that, admittedly, words may not always adequately express. We so often underestimate the power of words, that we neglect to use them, believing that actions always speak louder. Is this necessarily true? Just consider the many ways in which a single action can be interpreted.

Some think that if something is said too much, it loses its meaning. Well, sure, familiarity tends to do that, make a sentiment no longer novel. But what of a meaning that goes beyond mere feeling? Is it so easy to lose then?

Granted, I may need words more than most, but I still believe we place too little importance on them in this day and age. What happened to the poetry that spoke from heart to heart? The letters that could run on for page after page? The stories rich with descriptive life, drawing you into a world of colorful people, glorious scenery, mysterious intrigue? How many write those now, let alone appreciate them?

Our ancestors understood and appreciated the power of the word in ways we seem to have forgotten. Will we become so afraid of exposing our hearts that we shy away from one of the few things that make us human?

Dawning..

I don't deserve him. And yet, there he is. He doesn't believe it. I doubt he can even see it. But I am so incredibly blessed. I can only pray that in time he will be able to see himself through my eyes. Then he'll understand. I really could not ask for more.

Dilemma...

We watch. We wait. We stop. When there's nothing we can do, time slows to a standstill. What do we do with this time we have? What we choose -- is it for us? Do we actually think before we decide? Or do we go with what our hearts tear at us to do, even though if we gave it any thought, we'd see that all we're doing is indulging our fears? Sometimes even if it means welcoming heartache, the best we can do is stand down.

Sultry, Steamy..

The tango is so hard to watch. *shivers*

~~~

I think I need to breathe. Old habits die hard. I need to stop feeling like I need to twist myself into an unrecognizable knot to accommodate what I think is needed. I feel myself slipping back into that pattern and it's not good. Especially considering the direction that this is taking. I can't go back to being that person. I can't.

Hope

It's such a tiny word. Yet it carries so much meaning that we struggle to understand, to grasp what it really is all about. And until we can see that hope is not a word, but a person, we will continue to be blinded to the true fullness of joy that it can bring. Where Love abounds, there is always hope. And where Love abounds, there is joy and peace in the knowledge that we will never be forsaken. It is Christ who is our hope. It is the blood He shed so that we might live. It is the irrefutable knowledge that God IS on our side, no matter our present circumstance. We have the ear of the Almighty Creator. More than that, we have His unfailing, unchanging love. It isn't something we have earned; it is there for the taking if we would only open our eyes and see. And when we do, when we finally recognize that it is Jesus standing there in front of us with His arms and heart open with an unending outpouring of unconditional love, then and only then will we begin to understand the true meaning of the hope that we have in Him. Our God loves us beyond our understanding, beyond anything we could even begin to contemplate. If only we could see this and really begin to live with the full knowledge of our true worth in the eyes of our Father, who created us all for the sole reason that He loves us.

-non-

One week left til my proposal is due. I never thought the day would come when I actually had to do a thesis. It always seemed so far away, like it was never really ever going to happen.

But reality has a way of sneaking up on you, and in less than a year, I should have completed my very first solo research project. Which is a scary thought in and of itself.

On a less panic-inducing note, I think I'm finally getting the hang of reining in my emotions. I used to go into emotional overload when things seemed to go awry but now at least I'm able to take a step back and remain in control of what I do. Growing up has its plus points, I s'pose!

Oh, if you're gonna make white coffee without sugar, make sure you make it strong. Or else it becomes coffee flavored milk. Bitter coffee flavored milk.

And on that random note, I shall bid thee adieu. Hee :D

note

"What can I do, to make you mine? Falling so hard so fast this time. What did I say, what did you do? How did I fall in love with you?" ~ BSB

I risk. He's worth it. That's all there is to it, really.