Emotions....

Sigh. I need to relax. But I can't. And someone isn't helping. Whee. I'm resorting to this. How pathetic is that?!

1. The emotion I tend to hide the most:
Disappointment and hurt. I don't like people seeing that.

2. When I'm happy, I need:
To tell someone about it. Jump, scream.. Generally create a ruckus *grins* My poor family...

3. When I'm sad, I need:
To be alone. I hate it when people see me cry.

4. When I'm sentimental, I need:
To listen to depressing songs and/or cheesy ballads. Or I just feel the need to be held. Blah. The latter is NOT fun.

5. When I'm in love:
I will let you know. As of now, I've never BEEN "in love". Like, for real.

6. I would jump up & down and shout with joy right now if someone told me:
That I wasn't harbouring false hopes. That my dreams (many of them lately *sighs sadly*) will come true. And they're NICE ones.

7. The last time I cried was:
Hm... almost did today. Don't ask me why. It's too sad. Or I'm too much of a sad case. I dunno.

8. Moment in my life when my emotions froze and I felt absolutely nothing:
The split second when I first got the news that Michael was dead. If only it had stayed that way.

9. People who genuinely make me happy:
My group of friends and cousins. They're the absolute best and I'm never happier than when I'm with them.

10. Something that makes me happy:
Having time to myself.

11. Someone or something that made me laugh this week:
Dave, mum and I discussing various forms of.. English. If it can be called that! *laughs wickedly*

12. Your Good Luck Charm:
Wish I had one. Am gonna need it.

13. Person You Hate Most:
Um... I only dislike, not hate. I guess those who know me know who I'm talking about. *cough**Maths**cough*

14. What do you notice first with the opposite sex:
Their height and eyes. Gosh. Gets me into trouble ALL the time.

15. Last person you slow danced with:
Um... Someone at Shaun's party. Can't really recall who.

16. Makes you laugh the most:
Insanely Sane... Definitely.

17. Makes you smile:
A number of people. Only one person can make me feel like smiling and crying at the same time.

19. Can make you feel better:
Ju Li. Funnily enough. Though she's usually the one to tell me I'm being a world class idiot. Blah. And she makes fun of me too. Now how's that supposed to make me feel better? I dunno. Then again, I have NEVER been normal. So...

20. Gives you a funny feeling when you see them:
Him la. Like I can't tell WHAT I'm supposed to feel. Which is basically sucky.

MI is just over. And I still haven't found a favourite. Though I think Adam, Farah, Azam and Atilia sang pretty well. In that order. I can't believe Ash screwed up! I was hoping for him to redeem himself. We need some eye candy!!! Oh well. Too bad.

De-stressing Is The Word :)

Why is it that people LOVE buying durians when I can't eat them? It's soooo saddening! Within a week, durians were bought TWICE. And yesterday's batch looked particularly appetizing. It's no wonder I ran up to my cousin's room, just to escape the temptation. Sigh.

Progress report - my sore throat's gone now (yay!) but boy do I have a whopper of a cough. And apparently voice still sounds uh - I quote - "sexy". If sounding like my 4 year old cousin is sexy, that is. And I can't sing anymore! *sobs* Every time I try I sound like David trying to sing something that's waaaay beyond his range. Damn. I switched from a soprano to a baritone in two days flat. Sad.

Anyway, since I REALLY need to de-stress today, I shall do a survey here. Yeah I know. Copied it from Friendster. But forgot and logged out from there. So I have to do it here. Sigh.

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
On a secluded island, facing the sea... I love the sound of waves.

2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
Hm.. toughie. I think my completely worn out Mickey Mouse t-shirt. It's the most comfortable thing I have - it's really holey! I love it! *grins*

3. FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Ooh, I am SO tempted to be naughty here... But I shall refrain and say broad chests and shoulders TOTALLY do me in.

4. WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT?
Gimme five Ju! *piak* BSB - Never Gone it is.

5. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
Asleep on my bed. Big lack of that lately.

6. WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
Anywhere without air cons. Yeecch.

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?
My neck and shoulders!!! Dunno why they tend to get soooo stiff.

8. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY?
MIND. I need more willpower. As this blog entry clearly shows. I should be studying. (I have a PA book on my lap but I don't think that counts. Sigh.)

9. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING?
5.45 a.m. Yep. Don't die of shock. I really really do. And I am not zombie-like in school. Amazing? S'a downright miracle! Eh Ju? *winks wickedly*

10. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
Bowl and spoon. That's all I need, really, to have chilli tuna and rice. Hehe.

11. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY?
Unfair-ness. And selfishness. I get real mad real quickly. And um.. as people will testify, me = mad = disaster.

12. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I wanna master the flute! But I'm still stuck at trying to NOT kill my cheeks each time I play. Sigh.

13. FAVORITE COLOR?
Blluuuueeeeee! Wheee!

14. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV?
Sports car! Looks much better than an SUV. Heehee.

15. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE?
Of course. Wouldn't want this life to be for nothing now, would I?

16. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHILDRENS BOOK?
Yay Ju! Me too! I LOVE ENID BLYTON! Even the kiddy short stories.

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Haha. I only experienced autumn before so... I LOVE AUTUMN.

18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSE CHORE?
Cleaning up after other people's messes.

19.IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Telepathy. I'd LOVE to know what people around me are thinking.. Especially a certain someone *grins*

20. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
I don't have one. Never will get one. Unless it's fake. I'm not into inflicting pain on myself. Well.. not physical pain, at least.

21. WHO IS THE PERSON IN YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?
Michael. 'Nuff said.

22. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Friday nights. Beginnning of the weekend and... *imagine big silly goofy grin right here*

23. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?
What car? I don't have no car *cries*

24. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
Funny.. but it actually depends on my mood. I can't believe I just said that!

All righty. That's over. MI is on now. So I shall stop. Ash just screwed up! *sobs*

Ok. Enough from me.

I REALLY Should Get Out Of Fantasyland...

It's been ages since I wrote any random love stuff. All my ramblings about "the guy" are NOT counted. Coz I always seem to ramble about some guy or other. Which is pretty pathetic if you asked me. And Ju. Who would agree to my name being in the same sentence as the word "pathetic" immediately. With additional words like "sad case" and "lost cause" thrown in for good measure.

Okay.. so I didn't exactly write this (got it off the Bulletin Board, actually.. *grins sheepishly*) but I like it, so I'll post it. Hooray for plagiarism!

I dream about a guy...

• Who can wrestle with me and let me win
• Whom I can talk to about anything
• Who laughs at my jokes
• Who puts my cold hands in his warm hoodie pockets
• Who lets me use his sweatshirtfor a pillow
• Who says "I Love You" & means it
• Who will kiss me in the rain, in the sunshine, and in the snow
• Who calls unexpectedly
• Who will have many inside jokes with me and remember each one
• Who notices haircuts (or any change in hairstyle, colour.. for that matter)
• Who realizes that I say things but dont always mean them
• Whom I can go swimming with on hot days
• Who can tell me his problems and let me help
• Who will listen to me talk
• Who will let me beat him up when I get angry
• Who writes love letters to me
• Who draws me pictures
• Who saves his genuine, big smiles for me
• With deep eyes, that can see through faces into depths
• Who wears baseball hats and lets me wear his too
• Who gives me his t-shirt to change into and not expect to get it back
• Who knows my favorite color, song, car, vegetable, perfume, movie...
• Who will shake my dads hand and look my mom in the eye
• Who knows my full name--first, middle and last
• Who will know something is wrong even when I'm trying my best to put on an act
• Who will kiss me and tell me I'm cute
• Who will let me cry to him
• Who will hold me & kiss my cheek
• Who suprises me and compliments me and plays with my hair
• Who will brag about me to all of his friends
• Who's not afraid to give me a great big hug right in front of his mom
• Who isn't afraid to hold me in front of his friends and not get embarassed
• Who smells like he just stepped out of the shower
• Who tells me I have a nice laugh and a smile that lights up the room and will simply be mine to hold.

Hold up. I think ALL girls would like a guy like this. Pity they're a rare breed. Hehe. (This is my version of de-stressing so... bear with me.)

PS: A friend said this a few days back, and it really got to me.

"To love or not to love.. that's NOT a question."

That was in response to my use of the same quote but in the "that is the question" context. Sigh. He's right. I've become too cynical in my old age. *groans*

Where's My Voice Gone? :(

My voice has officially gone several keys lower than it's original pitch. Because when I try to talk normally, all anyone will hear is a vague hissing sound. Which isn't good.

Sigh. Guess this means I'm losing my voice. Again. Woulda thought one round of being called a "seal" would be enough to last a lifetime. As it is, I'm dangerously close to sounding like one right now.

Although... Ju says I sound like a puppy, but look like a seal. Huh? Somebody care to explain that to me? Esp you, Ju. That comment still doesn't make a twinge of sense to me. Lol.

I guess I'll have to resign myself to communicating in grunts. Though I kinda like my current voice.. It's completely toneless. I sound like my 4 year old kid cousin whose voice is so gruff it's scary.

Ack. I have a cough. Worse, a cough with the mother of all sorethroats. Blimey. I don't mind losing the voice so much as I do trying to swallow. Feels like someone burned the entrance to my throat with acid or something. Argh. It feels like there's a lump lodged between my chest and my throat. Sigh. So not fun.

I guess that's enough complaining for the day... Poor Ju got a earful of my "melodious" voice just now. Sigh. She is indeed a poor poor soul.

(PS: KP.. on the subject of YS, I think eccentric would be the best term to describe him *grins*)

PPS: It's official. I sound like a GUY *sobs* Two incidents:

*phone rings*
Elaine: Hello?
Michele: Hello David?
Elaine: No, this is Elaine.
Michele: HUH? Your voice sounds so terrible!

*handphone rings*
Elaine: Hello?
Uncle Chris: David?
Elaine: No...
Uncle Chris: *pause* Uh.. Who's this?
Elaine: Elaine la!
Uncle Chris: ELAINE?! I thought you were either David or your boyfriend picked up the phone accidentally.

Sigh. Help me. Please.

Yoobiieess!

I feel strangely elated right now. Though I know I have no reason to be. Maybe that's what hope does to a person. It screws with their minds. Oh well.

I spent the afternoon playing Yobi's Basic Spelling Tricks. Haha. It's a word game..

"The river is flooding and our home is in danger!"

Yeah, so it's a game that involves a few levels of "mazes".. and, well, spelling. And some pretty interesting quotes..

"If it is worth writing, it is worth writing right"

or

"To spell a single word correctly is to avoid many mistakes"

or

"Spelling defies the uncertainty in life, for there can always be found the right answer"

Haha. Okay, so I'm crazy. And I don't have a life. Playing games designed for 8 to 10 year olds. Sigh. But that game is FUN. I used to love playing it... figuring out how to get past the Dart Demon, trying to get potions... Who cares if the spelling's easy peasy?

Oh and you can always rely on ol' Yobi for his "words of wisdom". And the strange lines - "White hippos invaded the establishment" *rolls on floor laughing hysterically*

Okay, so it wasn't THAT funny. But then again, I am not normal. What's funny to me is never funny to others. Sigh.

Oh well. Let's pin this down to the late hour and the fact that I'm deliriously happy right now, shall we? Oh, and I'm going to JJ for lunch with Jules, Ee May and Dav... YAY! Extra reason to be happy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

I shall have SWEET dreams tonight. Wooohooooo.

Bite me. I'm weird.

Just A Random Thought..

Riffraff, street rat,

I don't buy that

If only they'd look closer

Would they see a poor boy?

No sirree...

They'd find out

There's so much more to me

That song never fails to break my heart. It's from Aladdin... and heck. Call me weird, but I always thought Aladdin was kinda cute. Haha. All right. Um... But seriously, the way he sings that verse is so... heartbreaking. Sigh.

I guess you could say that I think people should start looking closer at the people around them, esp ones they automatically label. I've been surprised more times than I can count. People aren't always what they seem on the surface.

Everyone has an element of good in them, something that makes them interesting, if only someone took the time to find it out. I think for a lot of people it's buried deep under layers of uncertainty and insecurity, and makes them seem arrogant, or unsociable. Or just plain quiet.

I've been guilty of judging some people a little too prematurely, I think. I feel kinda bad. I agree that it's HARD to approach people you aren't sure of. But I think the end result may make the effort worth it.

Sigh. I dunno. I shall stop blabbering, but I still think we could all put in some effort into getting to know the people around us. We might just find something precious that we would never have dreamed would be there.

Ya huh. We just might.

SickyBickyWicky.. Heehee.

Being sick is no fun. I have to miss school. Sobs.

Now before y'all decide that I'm loony and drag out the straightjackets, hear me out. This year, I can't help feeling a bit panicked. Has anyone seen the Form 6 syllabus? For your sanity's sake I hope you never have to. I don't think it's HARD, as such, but it certainly is a lot to swallow in less than a year. (Yes, it IS less than a year, when you minus out all holidays, exams, etc.)

As it is, staying at home just makes me more agitated - I hate feeling like I'm missing something. Not that I concentrate in school, but that's immaterial. At least I'm THERE. To.. y'know.. sift out what's important and what's not.

(Also the particular feeling about not having anything in particular to do with a particular someone or anyone in particular sucks. If you know what I mean. You don't? Good.)

So, I've been in Klang since last night. And right now, I'm home alone. Mom and Dad have traipsed off to JB for the weekend. Leaving David and me to our own devices. And me with the car! *rubs hands in glee* Unfortunately for me, I'm sick. So I don't feel like going anywhere. Sigh. Y'know, parents are SMART creatures. They never leave me the car when I'm well. Hmph.

But I've been driving around a fair bit. To get my lunch, collect vitamin C tabs from the clinic, send David to school... I think I gave him quite a scare just now. *grins* He was like, "Che! CHE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU STUPID OR WHAT?!" Haha. Poor soul.

Oh and I'm s'posed to drive to church on Sunday. From Klang to PJ. All by myself. HAHA. Okay, if I sound like a jakun, it's coz it's the first time I've been allowed to drive furthur than within a 10 mile radius by myself. Esp since both parents are not even in Selangor.

Maybe being sick aint such a bad thing after all. Hehe. But I still regret not going to school. And missing the pizza fun afterwards. Sigh. Poor Elaine. *sniffles*

Oh well. I guess I should shut up now and try and get some studying done. Ta all!

(PS: Not that it's of any consequence, but I'm getting pretty darned good at lobbing tissues into the wastepaper which is about a metre and a half away. Hehe. Hooray for unnecessary skills! Bye!)

Sicky Sick

As far as days go, today has been pretty strange. I am finally sick. After months of not having so much as a sniffle. Sigh. School DOES do things like this to me. And this time 'round, I can't afford to miss any school. Oh help.

It was weird... I don't think I've been quite that sick in school before. Mainly coz everytime I had an inkling of the flu, I stayed at home. I've never actually had a FEVER in school since.. primary, I think. Which made today kinda sucky. Concentrating on any subject at all while trying to ignore the pain in your lymph nodes ain't no cuppa tea, folks. Or maybe I'm just a spoilt brat who missed too much of school.

I am so out of it, you have no idea. And just realized that I should learn to keep my mouth shut. Them classmates of mine are too danged shrewd for my own good. Haha. Too many clues... although I'm not sure they understood my reasons. Oh heck. You'd have to be an Insanely Sane member to get what "drownable eyes" mean. *grins* Nevertheless, I shall translate for the less... insane.

Drownable eyes = eyes you can drown in.

HAHA. I don't think that makes it any better. Oh well. Tough luck, whoever doesn't get it. That's the bad part about mixing with Elaine. You gotta think like Elaine, to understand Elaine. Right Ju? (Just admit it girl, you DO think like me.. whether you like it or not! *sticks out tongue*)

All righty. My brain is shutting down right now. Fever and computers don't go too well together, no they don't. The only reason I'm online is coz I have work. Pah. Oh well. It'll soon be over... Phew!

Exp 1 (b)

My cousins and I were hanging around at the Portugese Square in Malacca earlier this month. Somehow, the conversation got to "the difference in reactions to attention from the opposite sex in different genders". It was quite an interesting discussion, actually. And we came up with some general theories:

Guys:
(a) If a girl stares/looks at a guy, and he notices, he tells his friends, and his friends will all turn and stare* at the girl.

(b) If a girl stares/looks at a guy, and his friends notice, they will tell him and he will turn and stare* at the girl.

*outright "checkin' ya out."

Girls:
(a) If a guy stares/looks at a girl, she will pretend not to notice and not mention anything to her friends. Unless he persists, and she'll mumble something like, "Is that guy staring at us???"

(b) If a guy stares/looks at a girl, and her friends notice... She'll be subjected to a lot of giggling and nudging, and the most she'll do is sneak a peek to see if he really IS looking over. Her friends will do all the "watching" on her behalf.

We decided to test one of those theories out (accidentally..hehe). I smiled and pointed in the general direction of a random guy. Without realizing that his friends were walking right behind him. And they'd have been blind NOT to notice.

We didn't think anything of it at first, other than the initial "ohmigosh!" reaction. And continued yapping away as per the usual. But when we were walking back to the car, I noticed the same guy and his friends standing in a group. So I decided to test out our "theory" and stare at him again.

His friends were already staring at me, anyway, so it kinda made it easier for me to prove/disprove said theory. As we passed them, I deliberately eyed his group of friends, making sure they noticed. Then as we were nearing the car, I turned around to look at them again - and sure enough, said lab-rat was standing on tiptoes, trying to get a glimpse of us over his friends head *laughs hysterically*

Now that's the kind of experiment that we should have more often! *dries tears* The situation in school is also playing out along the same lines, so heck, this just proves one thing:

The Lim cousins are analytical geniuses! (And I have never enjoyed an experiment so much in my life!)

I/S Borders Exp!

I can't believe it's Monday already, and our long-awaited (and postponed) Borders expedition is finally over. *sobs heart out* Why oh whhhyyyy??? Can we plan another one? Can we? Can we? *makes P-I-B eyes*

I still can't get over the fact that Ju's terrified of amusement park rides. Even tame ones. (Yes Ju.. TAME! *grins*) The poor soul. I rather like her idea of a scream, though. It's quite... unique. Some kind of cross between a shriek and a whimper. T'was really cute, actually. Methinks if you want a guy's heart to melt Juju, take him on a theme park ride with you. It'll certainly do away with any misconceptions of you being an Ice Queen! *winks*

And it was good to know that we haven't lost any of our ability to get ourselves into... odd situations. Like scandalizing senior citizens with tales of ass cracks and hair (courtesy of Ms. Ee May... at the top of her lungs too! *laughs hysterically*). Also, we weren't exactly the souls of discretion when checking out the hottie in Borders. Heck, no wonder he was perasan enough to wave!

Okay, I won't say much more, coz all there is to be said I've said on my Friendster blog, so... Right. Here are the pictures we took. Sad sad pictures. Hehe. Do check out the link only if you think you can handle it.

http://www.imagestation.com/album/?id=2123596338

(PS: For more of what we did, visit http://coffee101.blogspot.com or http://nonsensebyjenna.blogspot.com .. those two are better writers than me :P)

I miss you, Insanely Sane!

I.Am.An.Idiot.

I am so getting paid back for all my past uh.. misdemeanors now. But then again, this time I brought it on myself. No one's to blame but silly, idiotic, pathetic ol' me. It's not that I've never felt like this before. It's more that I was hoping NEVER to feel this way again. Sigh. So much for hope.

I think I wrote once about how, a very long time ago, I liked this guy. A whole huge big humongous lot. So much so that I took a couple of years to get over him. Well, those two years were probably the biggest pain in the you-know-where that I've ever lived through. Okay, so it didn't nearly destroy me like M's death did, but it still hurt damn near as much.

My situation now is similar but not the same. I just hate the insecurity, the feeling of always having to watch myself, so I don't do something that totally embarrasses me. I can't concentrate on anything. Studying is difficult enough as it is.. This just adds to the pressure.

All right, fine, so I'm the one stressing myself out. But anyone who knows me well enough knows that when I fall for someone, I fall HARD. Like, "on my mind 24/7" hard. Yeah. Which is seriously pretty pathetic. On second thoughts, make that very.

So here I am, at 7 something in the morning, blabbering about some random guy whom I hardly even KNOW well enough to tell if I'm being a blah-faced or not. 7 bleedin' a.m.! And I was up before 6 too. Why? Because of a bloody stupid dream about said guy. ARGH.

I think I'm going to start and "Elaine Is An Idiot" fan club. You are all welcome to join. Yes. Even you, guy. I bet if you knew it was you I'm talking about, you'd want to be the president of the club. Coz honestly, if our roles were switched, I'd probably feel the same way. Sigh.

So much for moving on.

I Love You!!!

Sorry for the MI post. I just needed to let off some steam. Oh, did I tell you? I'm going out tomorrow. Yup. That's right. And whom I'm going out with?

JU LI, EE MAY, JENNA, XIN YI and JOYCE!

We're going to Times Square. To check out Borders. Our Borders expedition! Whoooopeee!!

Okay, so I'm not as excited about Borders as I am about seeing all them nuts again. God only knows how much I miss them!! The old W.E.I.R.D Kambings and Insanely Sane gang. Gosh, we had such amazing times.

I LOVE YOU ALL TO BITS!

BTW, I know I've been doing this a lot lately... I've just been super nostalgic this week. Dunno why. Sniffles. I can't help it! I miss my fwenses!

Malaysian Idol?! Help.

I've been following Malaysian Idol again. As expected. Seeing as I'm a total Idol freak. And the fact that I'm STILL watching it is a testament to how much of a freak I really am. Don't I have anything better to do? Apparently not.

Okay, the low-down on this year's um... competition. Basically, it can be summed up in 3 words: WHAT THE HELL?!!! Yeah. So far, it's been NOTHING but a popularity contest, and one totally littered with booboos by both contestants and judges. Not at all what I expected. Which is bad. Coz I wasn't exactly expecting much this time around.

I think the judges are getting deaf this year. I mean SERIOUSLY. Some of those that were put through to the Top 24 shouldn't even have gotten past Round 2 of the Theatre Eliminations. Plus, what the heck is it with people and pub singers? Are they subconsciously looking for another Jac? Hey, buds, just a friendly reminder - there is only ONE Jac!

And another thing - just because they're "professional" singers, does NOT mean they're good. God! I can't stand seeing those two in the Top 10. Honestly! It isn't fair... They got waaaay more screen time in the TEs than some of the other contestants, so even though they screwed up, people still had those supposedly "amazing" performances to fall back on. What about those who didn't have that screen time eh? They may have done a gazillion times better in the TEs and not screwed up as much in the Workshop stage.

It's the fault of the editing and also the fact that people are easily blinded by so-called professionalism. Hey, a person who can't sing coherently AND hit notes isn't one who "saves the day". Puhleeeeze! Give me a break, will ya?! It's just so annoying! I hate seeing people get in purely on popularity. She (they) just wasn't that good! They were bad, actually, seeing as they should be on a higher level than the rest. Which they definitely weren't!

Oh and forgive me, but I still think people should at least get the basics right before trying all the frills. Frills without the basics just sound TERRIBLE. Oh I know they're "impressive", but really - if you can't do the simple stuff, what's the point? It just sounds like yowling and like they're trying to hard.

What happened to good, old-fashioned singing? That is, hitting the right notes and actually sounding pleasant? Why try to do something you can't do well, when the simple way would work better, if you put your heart and soul into it?

I think that's why MI is so screwed up. People try too hard to impress, so the singing doesn't come from within anymore. And that is just sad.

God, whoever reads this... please please please vote for someone who can at least hit the notes 90% of the time AND whose diction is clear enough for you to actually understand what the heck he/she is singing! Please!

I think Jac set the bar too high. And that the MI 1 contestants had too much personality. They totally overshadow this year's bunch. I'm hoping for a miracle tonight. Or at the very least in the Spectaculars. God knows we need one!

Sigh.

I am back!!! I was feeling really down today, but now I'm feeling so much better. So so so much better. I also dunno why. And my standard of English is slowly deteriorating. Whoopee.

School has been enormously weird these past few days. I don't know if I can take anymore. My feelings fluctuate up and down and up and down... And then I see him with another girl and it all just feels so wrong. When that happens, I just don't feel like doing anything. All I can do is sit there and stare into space, and try to figure out what the matter is with me.

So... how does one get rid of a problem that is constantly staring in one's face? The problem with him is, he's always THERE. My other crushes were always seen on a "once in awhile" basis. Seeing him everyday isn't exactly the best thing that could happen to me. While I'm in this position, that is.

Okay short one today. Don't have much time. Um... I realize I broke my own rule, so y'all have permission to screw me over okay? Ta!

Monday Blues

I missed all my old friends so much today. I was so down, I had no idea what I was doing half the time. Making mistakes is part and parcel of life, but they're always easier when you have a shoulder to cry on.

I've probably never felt so alone before. There is so much I wanted to say today, but I had no one to say it to. At least, no one who would understand and take it for what it was. Then I remember how Ju was always there were I needed someone, how I could just talk to her about anything at anytime, cry (and have her make fun of me afterwards, but that's not the point :P) and generally make a fool out of myself over a totally undeserving guy, and she wouldn't mind. She'd just tell me that I'm an idiot and to snap out of it. After she let me cry, that is :)

Okay, so it's finally gotten through my thick skull that I'm wasting my time. I knew that before, but it never really sunk in. Why should I bother anyway? It makes no difference what I feel. If it's not reciprocated, hell. What's the big old point?

I just wish good ol' Reality had better timing. Taken together with the onset of the flu... Well let's just say I've had better days. A piece of good news though. Our NiE deadline has been extended so I don't have to split my head in two just yet.

Aiks. Okay. Have tuition now so I'll just stop. Hope tomorrow's a better day! (Doubt it could be any worse.)

Blockhead!!!

Uh oh. I'm having writer's block again. I really hate it when this happens. And it always happens when I really really really need to write something. Heck, I can't even think of what to write ABOUT, let alone actually write it.

See, I have to write a feature article for NiE, and my mind has conveniently gone blank. I've tried quite a number of different topics... and deleted them all after the 3rd paragraph coz I didn't like 'em. They were boring and badly written. And I can't stand boring and badly written.

Writing articles is a heck of a lot different from the kind of crap I usually churn out. Like this, for instance. I can go on and on and on about practically anything on this blog. But I have to stick to a topic and be creative, interesting and make sense when I write an article. How'm I supposed to that eh? I don't know how!!!

Anyone got any suggestions? Actual ones, I mean. Not ones designed to make me even more frustrated? Sigh. I am so stuck la. I need inspiration! Something I feel really strongly about. Something that can prompt me to go all out in defense of it, or vice versa.

It's just not happening! Argh! Okay. Maybe I should stop trying to think and just write. Like I always do. But then again, "like I always do" isn't exactly appropriate for a newspaper.

Oh well. I'll just rot until something or someone decides to save me.

Back to SCHOOL

YAY! I'm going back to MGS tomorrow!!!! I can't tell you how much I miss that school... and everyone in it. Even the teachers. Well, most of them, at least.

Even though it's only for prize-giving, I'll get to experience the uniquely MGS-ish atmosphere one more time. It's something that I took for granted for 5 years... and now I wish I could turn back the clock and do it all over again, one last time. Um. Minus all the exams of course!

I guess the fact that we all used to be so involved in school has contributed to this feeling of loss. From the Prefectorial Board right up to choir, school life was a never-ending cycle of planning and preparation. Which was always fun. Running here and there during school hours, looking for this person or that... (the prefects' uniform gave us plenty of leeway in that aspect :P).

The hours spent talking about "Maths" and boys and boys and boys and more boys (about how dumb they are la, basically :P) behind the class, falling asleep on the table and being called a zombie daily, the projects, the crazy Idol spoofs Ee May and Jenna regularly churned out... I miss all that. The closeness we all had. The bunch of friends I had in MGS are simply AMAZING. No doubt about THAT!

I miss our prefect uniform (yes, even that danged blazer! :P), I miss the morning assemblies, I miss being made to "brief"... I think I can still recall the general duties!! And the duties of some positions. Okay so I'm a nut. I use up my brainspace for completely unnecessary stuff. But darn it all - I miss it!

Choir. Now THAT'S probably the one activity I miss the most! My entire extra-curricular life revolved around the choir. The practices, the headaches, the tempers lost, the friends gained... It was all so worth the time and effort. I can't believe it's all over, that my last song's been sung and I shall never have the nerve-wreckingly amazing experience of performing with those plucky girls again. Sigh.

But it's back to MGS for one last official time. I shall make the most of it.

"Oh MGS our school most dear, we'll e'er recall with pride.."

Indeed. I can't believe I had to leave it to finally realize it.

One Last Gripe

Do you ever get those weird feelings, where you want something to happen, yet you don't want them to? Because you know that if something does, everything is going to get so horribly screwed up. But you can't help but what it anyway. And then you think, why? Why put myself and everyone else through something so unimportant it doesn't even qualify a place on your to-do list. Which is usually a long list of unimportant things.

Sorry, Ju, your scraping hasn't worked. I'm still trying to figure out what to do to get rid of these awful, AWFUL feelings. They're totally screwing up my life, it's insane. And the funny part is - he is NOT my type at all. Not even close. But then again, I don't end up liking "my type" anyway. I always go for the total opposites. Hm. I suppose that's why all my relationships (if you can call them that) never last.

Maybe I shouldn't kid myself. What I want in a guy is so hard to find, even JU says I should get my head out of the clouds. (Note that it's Ju saying it. Means I'm waaaay out there :P). So should I lower my expectations and try and make something out of nothing? Or will I find something in what seems like nothing?

Oh crap. It's this kind of thinking that's the killer. Why WOULD anything happen anyway, you doink?! *whacks self on head* When am I going to get it into my head that feelings that aren't reciprocated are just not worth the self-torture? Heck. Maybe I'm a masochist (hey, I chose Form 6 and dentistry over college and Psych, okay? Lol!) but I seriously seriously find it hard to get out of ruts like this.

OKAY. Resolution: I shall not blog about nor pay any attention to said person any longer. If I do, whack my head. Whoever sees me after seeing that post.

Please. Do.

Food Fest :)

Lim family gatherings are never boring. Even though we sometimes DO complain we're bored. But we actually aren't. Coz it's nice just to be all together in Malacca. Can't believe our Chinese New Year next year might not be there any more! *sniffles*

Anyway. We went down last Saturday coz the 3rd of July was my grandma's 1st death anniversary. (Dang, one year passed so fast, it's scary!) But true to form, we didn't just go to the grave and be done with it.

No.. Going to Malacca = PIG OUT! Yup, we ate and ate and ate and ate.. (no, Aunty Maureen, I'm not exaggerating :P). Let's see. We first started out with Nyonya laksa, mee siam, pai tee and popiah and a bowl of cendol. Then we went to have chicken rice balls (which provoked all kinds of "balls" jokes, directed at my bro who had the misfortune of being the only male around :P).

When we got back to the house, it was more food. Aunt from Singapore (who makes EXCELLENT Nyonya kuihs) had brought down tapai and kuih.. er.. I'm not sure how this is spelt so I'll just go with "ku" :P So we ate some more. Then we opened a packet of Tim Tams. Aussie Tim Tams, mind.

Went to church. Came back. Ate durians. Like, a lot of of durians. Like, a sore-throat inducing amount of durians. Couple of hours later, all teenagers and a few adults went out for satay celup, where we ate more than 120 sticks between us.

And this was all in one day. Haha.

Have I painted a picture of us as gluttons? Nah, we're just typically Malaysian (lol!) AND Malacca always brings out the crazies in us. Because the food is soooo good!!! (No wonder them Singaporeans always turn up by the busload just to eat.. hehe.)

Just a tiny admission - I confess to being an idiot and allowing my mind to wander when I was there. Sigh. He's stuck in my head!!!! I tried focusing on hotter guys, but noooo. He just wouldn't budge. Pah. Irritating.

I miss Malacca. I wanna go back for CNY!!!! *sobs*

Ladeedadeedaaaaarghhh!

I'm sooooo mixed up, I don't believe it. But then again. I always am, no? It's always some bloke or other screwing with my head. Until they stop and I start screwing with theirs. Pah. I need help. Like, from a real psychiatrist. This is something my loyal ol' Psychowormologist has tried to cure but failed. Miserably. (Eh, Ju? :P)

So here's the scenario. I think I just embarrassed myself. Although I'm not sure whether anyone noticed. But if they did, then I did. If that made any sense. Henceforth, I shall NOT ever ever ever turn my head, no matter how powderful the magnet is. (Yes I said powderful, not powerful. So sue me.)

Oh what do I do, what do I do? Melodrama will get you everywhere or nowhere. Um. Right. Someone clue me in on what's wrong with me please. I have no idea what I'm typing, let alone why I'm typing it. I just feel like I have to say something, but I have no idea what.

On top of the fact that I have to watch what I say now coz this blog IS public. Sigh. No more rantings about my sucky lovelife. Debbie's nephew!!! Where are you????? LOL! Yeah yeah. Can I go back to Australia please???

Ju Li!!! I'm going nuts. I really am. Maybe I should just apply the "Elaine doesn't give a damn" formula and see if it works this time around. But then again, I have never yet been in such close proximity to previous uh.. conquests, for lack of a better word.

Argh. Save me please. From my brainless self.