Live

I have to go on. Somehow, I have to pull myself together. Should I allow myself to throw my life away? No.. I didn't think so.

From now on I'll pull myself together. Is that so hard to do?

~ I know eventually we'll be together... One sweet day~

And it goes on...

A lot of things have been the outcome of his death...

- Mark isn't important to me anymore.

- Anthony's is now seen as just a friend.

- All guys seem so unsophisticated and such wannabes next to him.

- I can't even work myself up over 3 gorgeous Danes and their even more gorgeous technician.

- Going online is an endless search for closure. Something to take my mind off him...

- Life holds no pleasure for me... I can't concentrate on anything.

- My results suffer because of my inability to put his death behind me.

Ooh boy. Magic cures, anyone?

-greathands-

The pain of loss is the worst feeling in the world. The added frustration is that no one understands what I feel. It's been 11 days since he died and I'm still pining for him.

We weren't good friends, oh no. We weren't even in love. Or so I thought. He was simple, intelligent and unpretentious... quite unlike a boy his age. I don't know whether to regret the day I let him into my life. Would I have been better off not knowing him? I don't know. Maybe, but I'd also never know how it felt to... fall in love with someone so perfect.

He knew all the right things to say. He made me feel special. Sometimes that really is all a girl wants.

Oh how I wish I had saved something of him! Just for a part of him to hold on to. I don't think I ever believed it to be possible but I really think I love him.

And it's tearing me up inside. Oh God, please take away this grief... This unending ache that refuses to go away! I need some sort of closure, something to reassure me that he's with You.

I keep wanting to say his name over and over again.. It fills part of the longing that's still so fresh in my heart. I don't care if he'd never feel the same way about me.. I just want him to be alive and there for me.

But I know that's impossible. And it's KILLING me! I want to shriek and scream and cry out. Anything to release this pent-up pain.

He meant so much to me - I only realize that now. No matter what happens in this life, I will never forget him

- Nirnaeth Arnoediad, Michael. This is for you -