-none-

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't the person I am. If had only been, I dunno.. simpler? What if I could see the world in black and white and not in shades of gray? Would my life be as complicated and as wrought with pitfalls as it is now?

I have almost everything it takes to make a success of my life. Yet, even now, I don't know what I would define that success as. Is it academic achievements? A great job with greater pay? Somehow, even with these two things as end goals, I can barely motivate myself. That isn't to say I don't want to be successful career-wise. But I'm just not sure if that is me.

What would give me the greatest fulfillment in life? Yes, helping children is waaay up there, and I've at least taken a step towards that. But ultimately - what do I want? That is the question I just cannot seem to answer.

Right now, my brain is giving me conflicting thoughts. I'm playing every possible scenario over and over again in my head, and the one I'd choose is the one most fraught with heartache, and I'm not sure I have the courage to choose that path. Then again, if it does come to that.. I suppose I would have no choice - because the alternative isn't even worth considering.

Almost Here

Did I hear you right
'cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause your only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause your only almost here

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you
And when I hold you your almost here
Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted
And now I'm with you I'm close to tears
'cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here

Boredom Central

You Are a Brownie

Decadent and intense, you aren't for the weakhearted. Those who can deal with your strong flavor find out how sweet you really are.

What Dessert Are You Most Like?

You Are a Centaur

In general, you are a very cautious and reserved person. However, you are also warm hearted, and you enjoy helping others in practical ways. You are a great teacher, and you are really good at helping people get their lives in order. You are very intuitive, and you go with your gut. You make good decisions easily.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

You are a Brainy Girl!

Whether you're an official student or a casual learner, you enjoy hitting the books. You know a little bit about everything, and you're always dying to know more. For a guy to win your heart, he's got to share some of your intellectual interests. A awesome book collection of his own doesn't hurt either!

What Kind of Girl Are You?

Anyway

You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might never come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea - sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love
Anyway

~Martina McBride~

Hehehe - EMO!

"And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul"

Langkawi Trip!

Langkawi was simply put, blissful. I haven't been so relaxed in a loooong time. It was lovely just to sit on the beach, in the blazing sun and cool breeze, sipping beers and reading novels with the help of my brand new sunglasses (would've been too bright otherwise!!!).

Here are some pics of what we did (which wasn't much, all things considered..lol).

On board the plane to Langkawi... And amusingly enough, those girls in the background were totally checking David out the whole time!! *roflmao*

Where we ate, slept, drank and generally made such a mess that I pitied housekeeping. Truly, I did.
Our first day at the beach.. Berjaya's private beach front. Lots of Caucasians. It was like stepping into an alternate reality! I felt like I was in Europe or something.

Day 3 - In Kuah, where both Dave and I got brand new sunnies. Hurrah!

I don't know what this is, but is sure is beautiful. And awesomely scary, too.. Anyone got a clue?

That tiny speck floating under the parachute is my darling brother, David. Apparently he spent the time cursing birds and trying to yell at the boat driver(?) to go faster. Tell me, does anyone honestly think he could be heard?!

Jetski-ing has probably got to be one of the funnest sports invented. Really.

This is us, at 4 a.m. dancing on the beach and having what looks to be like an out of body experience!
Stopped by at the science centre where they proceeded to chop my head off and serve it with, off all things, brinjals. This is Goga.. A Georgian photojournalist we met at the beach.. Nice guy. Very friendly.
This is us.. all happy-happy from a bit of wine and coke - no, not mixed.
The Reggae Bar - great music, and cheap drinks. Can it get any better?

With our Georgian pal, Goga... Aunty Wee actually asked if he was a guy or a girl!! Poor Goga. Lol.
This is us on the last day at Cenang Beach, after our very relaxing massage at the Thai Spa. Lazing around is just.. wonderful.

And this is us, all happy to be together... You can bet we're gonna be doing this again soon!!!!

ChocoCake!! :)

I made a chocolate cake today. All by myself.

And guess what?

It's brilliant! As good as my mother's, which is possibly the highest compliment ever when it comes to chocolate cakes.

I'm so happy!!! I was worried for a bit that it wouldn't turn out properly because I was a little distracted, but it did and I'm so proud of myself :)

Hehehe.

Okay folks, it's off to Langkawi in a few... Will be back with pictures and whatnots!

Hardly A Revelation, But...

Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh, or just give in and cry. But I've cried too much already, wasting precious tears on something that probably was only special in my own mind. I'm trying to convince myself that David was right in his assessment of the situation, but maybe it's all still too fresh in my head (in spite of almost a year of trying to get used to it) for me to accept as reality.

But frankly, it IS quite amusing. I'm replaying reactions in my head, and it's not hard to see that faced with negative emotions, some people just don't know how to handle it. Now I'm not saying I can, but at least I'm honest enough with myself to face them, painful or not.

Over the last year I've faced some really painful truths about myself, and the kind of person I am - how truly insecure I really am. I also learnt that I cannot keep relying on someone else to provide me with self-worth. I cannot conjure up dream-like scenes in my head and expect them to come true.

But most of all I learnt that I cannot rely on words. People can say anything, but it doesn't mean they'll follow through on them. And this was, by far, the most painful lesson of all to learn.

I'd like to think I'm older and wiser now, but somehow I'm not sure if that idealistic streak in me has been completely eradicated. However, I know better than to fully believe the words of any man now, no matter how sweet or sincere they seem.

What brought this on? Haha.. let's just say I tested out a theory, and I was proven right. Thank god I had the self control not to send a warning email! Something I should have had a long time ago, but at least I'm learning now...

I'd be damned stupid not to!

AR

Everytime I want to write something, I get distracted by something else. Incredibly frustrating.

At this point in time, I want to gripe about movie critics and how they should just lighten up, but my whole griping mood's been spoiled by a more pressing gripe, which I shall not bother your delicate sensibilities with.

I seem to like that phrase a lot, of late - "delicate sensibilities". Or maybe I'm reading too many novels set in 19th century England.

Sigh.

Oh yes, a bit of news for those whom I've not yet gloated to - I'm starting a degree course in Psychology in Help Uni College in the 22nd of August. Am I excited? You betcha! After 7 months of crying and screaming and cajoling and crying and screaming and .. you get the picture .. I believe I should be ecstatic!

Although... I know this course is gonna be tough. I probably will be kicking myself for putting myself through it at some point, but I suppose the goal is worth the effort, no?

And yes.. I think (some) movie critics should lighten up. Why trash something that is entertaining enough? People don't go to movies to be intellectually stimulated. We go there to lose ourselves in an alternate reality, and if it is sufficiently well created, leave it be!

There are some movies that deserve to be chopped up and swallowed, I agree, but sometimes I get the impression that some of them just write reviews a certain way to sound.... smart? Okay, so I'm being a tad judgmental, but honestly - do you have to compare every movie with one from the, O Great Watcher of Movies, extensive movie database in your head?

Yipes! Looks like I got the gripe out.. In the cattiest manner possible. Well, by my standards, at any rate!

Where have all the cowboys gone. I love that line.

Amazing...

Hm.. would you believe from this picture that this was probably the saddest period in my life? It was then I discovered just how idealistic I was, just how much love can hurt. Amazing how much a smile can hide huh?

Talking Pug!!!

You guys HAVE to check this video out.... It's sooooo cute! I just totally wanted to run out and get myself a pug after watching this :)

Hmmmm..

I could possibly be the stupidest smart person that ever walked this planet.

When am I EVER going to learn my lesson? It seems not. I somehow always manage to get myself into a situation that I can't extricate myself from without considerable damage to my emotional well-being.

Ah well.. I suppose I should get used to this as part of my constantly UNchanging life :P I may never change this part of me... And I'm not sure I'd want to!

Being idealistic sometimes isn't wholly a bad thing - if a touch of reality is applied every now and then. It keeps you optimistic, helps you get through things because there's always hope for a new and better beginning at the end of the road.

Sure, it opens you up to all sorts of hurts when reality intrudes sometimes, but it's so much more worth it to believe that things will one day get better than to be so jaded you lose all hope. There is nothing worse than always seeing things in a negative light - how can you really live?

That said, though, it doesn't pay to be completely ignorant of reality... Being aware of it, of the pitfalls that can often catch an idealistic person off-guard, is important - but should not be the primary focus. The best way to live is always with optimism, but still grounded in the fact that life is never like we want it to be.

I think I shall start taking my own advice and live without regret! If things work out - wonderful! If they don't, at least I gave it a shot - and my best one at that!

Hm... I'm actually writing something positive for a change! Looks like I'm on my way! ;)

Last Official M'cca Trip :(

Our last trip to Malacca to the house we all love.... It's so hard to say goodbye, sometimes, but that's the trouble with life. Nothing ever lasts...

This is Jonker Street... Where we like going at night, mostly, but rarely get to, coz our parents think that we still need "adult" supervision. Someone please define "adult" for me!!!!!

Sheryll and me.. I dunno. I look like Steph's sister, and she looks like Steph's sister, but do we look like sisters? Naw, not really. Sigh.

This is us with Mr. Lukas from the Czech Republic :) One of the nicest guys I've ever met.. And they say I have bad taste. Hah!

Satay Celup!!! What was left of it, at any rate :P We ate a LOT. Even after a crazily heavy dinner. But then, we always eat a lot in Malacca. *moans* My poor waistline!

Me and Chen... She's back from the U.S. but gone to Singapore for a bit. Sigh.. Seems like everyone's upping and leaving.

2 Generations of Lim Sisters :) And it looks like we're following in their food steps. Hehe. And no, the spelling of that is NOT wrong! ;)

Ting and her prawns! It's always prawns! Prawn Queen! Wooooooooh! (K, I'm psycho hehehe).

This is us playing 'Take Two'... seems like a simple, boring game, but it's addictive. Think Scrabble, but 100 times faster - and when played with a bunch of naturally competitive people... Haha.

This is us cam-whoring on the last night of our stay there, before we started playing Pictionary at around.. I dunno, 4 a.m.? Hehe.

And this is how we sleep - in the hall, all squashed up together. It's good stuff, and probably something we'll miss a LOT. Is it any wonder we're so close? ;)

Discoveries

Ah yes.. It is interesting to note that chivalry is not as dead as it seems.. There are still guys who would step off curbs to help a blind girl cross the street, who appreciate how much a girl's virginity means to her, who still hold open doors and pull out chairs.... Feminism is all well and good, but who says a girl doesn't like being looked after every once in awhile?

On another note - we had a good time in KL. I doubt I'll ever regret anything about that day! :) Just a pity we never go to eat them durians. Hehe.. And now I've got He's Got The Whole World In His Hands stuck in my head. Whoopee. Yay Lukas!

PS: Thanks a whole bunch, Subu! :) *hugs*

-n-

How do people come to terms with things in their head? I just can't seem to.. No matter how many times I run through something, list out the pros and cons and generally figure out what is best for ME, the person, I inevitably come to the same conclusion: maybe I'm not strong enough to let go, even if it's detrimental to my well-being as a whole.

I suppose I'm just being stubbornly idealistic. Or is it just that my heart knows just how much pain I'd be in if I go through with what I know I should, and it's rebelling against it with everything it's got. Sigh.. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, to quote a much overused, but sadly appropriate cliche.

So how do you weigh degrees of pain anyway? How do you know that the choice your making is the right one? And how do you come to a decision to end what could potentially be the best thing in your life, because at the moment it's what's causing the greatest damage, emotionally?

I've tried to be strong, but I'm not that strong. I can't hold on to someone that doesn't want to be held on to..

It's like a man dangling over the edge of a cliff, and all that's keeping him from falling is your grasp around his wrist. The only problem is, he isn't gripping back... and there's only so much you can do on your own. Sooner or later, that fragile hold will slip, and then what? You're left with a dreadful uncertainty...

Did you do all you could to hang on? Maybe there was some inner reserve of strength that you could've tapped into that would've made all the difference. Maybe your grip wasn't right, if only you had just held on in a different way, a different angle that would've made it harder for him to slip away...

But then the nasty thought invades the self-doubt that maybe, just maybe, he WANTED to slip away. That's why he never tried to hold on to your hand, too, even just a little.

How do you deal with a situation like this? When everything seems to close in around you and you don't know what the right choices are anymore. Because I will eventually have to make some hard choices, and I really am not at all sure that I'm up to the task.

Awww....

The big baby feeding the little baby :) How cute is that?! Haha.. That's my little god-daughter, Rachel, and my "little" baby brother, David, with the littlest cousin of us all, May, looking on :)

Nyonya Food Night!

Ah tis time for more pictures! What's the use of being the BBC if we don't produce the evidence? Hehe.. The subject of this particular bunch of pictures is the potluck at Aunty Bee's! :)

For those of you who haven't had the opportunity to see/try Nyonya food before, this is it! I know some of it looks strange as heck, but I can guarantee that it tastes amazing! :)

Sharm and me.. Sarsi advertisment models! And that's Ting - she's a good testament to how good Nyonya food really is! :D

Me and Sharmo again.. Posers betul! :P

We are indeed a very closely-knit group of cousins... Lol. We like squashing up together to take pictures.. it's good for cousinly morale. Hehehe.

And lastly.. I promised you a glimpse of just how many girls there are in the Lim family.. Well, this bunch + the 6 that weren't there.. That's 15 girls, folks. And a measly 6 guys. Hehe! We win by a mile! Wooooh!

KLCC Obsession :)

In exactly a week, we'd been to KLCC twice. And took pictures in the park! :) Haha.. These are just some of the photos we took there.. Big Bad Camwhores strike again! Wooot! :D (Click on the pics to see the larger versions).

Steph and me... don't we look like sisters? :)

Our Sunday School teacher mistook us for twins.. even when our registration forms said "Stephanie Lim" and "Elaine Fernandez"!!!! :D

Me and Sheryll.. Steph's REAL sis :) Poor dear, she's been inducted into the DEDS KLCC Obsession.. she's almost as bad as us now! Hehe.

That's us and Andrew... He's a dude from Sterling, Scotland, studying in Dundee. He's another victim of our cam-whoring, KLCC obsessed ways. Poor thing. What an introduction to Malaysian youth! *shakes head sadly*

And what's 2 trips to KLCC without a picture of the infamously notorious DEDS? We still be the bestest cousins you could ever find. Tis just a pity we get into so much shit that no one trusts us anymore! :P

Last Request

This song just reminded me of someone.. Twas such a sad situation. Sigh.. Oh well...

Slow down, lie down,
Remember it's just you and me.
Don't sell out, bow out,
Remember how this used to be.

I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me

Oh, I've found, that I'm bound
To wander down that one way road.
And I realise all about your lies
But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before.

I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me

Oh, baby, baby, baby,
Tell me how can, how can this be wrong?

Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me (x2)

Yeah, lay down beside me.

One last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me

"Sleep"Over!

Totally redefining the meaning of "sleepover" :D

Yes!

Another sleepover after sooo long. All of us were together, 'cept for Yin, who's well on her way to be getting her P license! Now we'll have 5 drivers, therefore more options for designated driver. Hehe. Wooh!

As usual, none of our days are normal, so we started our sleepover on the back of one hell of a strange day - the weirdest birthday we've ever celebrated with David, poor soul. Then we go back home and spend the night taking pictures (yes, Sandy, we are indeed the greatest camwhores living), jumping around to New Shoes and Closing Time, sleeping layered like cheese layered on pizza on Dave's single bed, ordering take-out McDs at 2 a.m... yep, all in all the typical cousin no-sleepover! :)

Took MORE pictures at Aunty Bee's house, where we had absolutely fantastic Nyonya food (even if I did put on, like, 20 pounds from it) and played with our little niece, Rachel (who is actually a really smart baby!). I'll put up some pics when I get them.. then you can see just how many girls there are in my family. And gorgeous ones, at that! *winks at all cousins coz all cousins are girls (with the exception of Jono - sorry boy! :P)*

Next stop? MALACCA!!! For the last time! Mama's house! Jetty! FOOOOOOOD!!!

Hehehehehe.

PS: JU LI'S HOME!! WooooOOooHOooOoooOO! :D

These Streets

I finally managed to get Paolo Nutini's album... I must admit this isn't usually the sort of music I listen to, but I actually kinda like his album. Okay, so I bought it solely coz I love New Shoes (surprised, anyone? :P), but I ended up liking most of the songs..

Maybe it's got to do with the fact that he sings with a distinct Scottish accent. Haha!

Now all I've gotta do is look for Elliott Yamin's album and my "summer CD collection" drive will be complete! Yeeehaww!

This is Elaine.. sigining off! *salutes*

The Black Duke

Last Sunday night was strangely fun.

D took me onboard a Royal Navy ship from Britain - the HMS Monmouth (also called the Black Duke, apparently after a duke who tried to usurp the throne and got his head cut off for it :P).

Anyway, I was expecting to be either bored out of my mind or highly amused - I mean, I did go with D! :) But curiously enough, I wasn't bored for more than a couple of minutes. D was looking for sailor boys, but I found the officers a heck of a lot more interesting to talk to.

Okay, so they were considerably older than I am, but since when has that ever been a problem for me? :P They were friendly, and incredibly easy to talk to (even if one of them said I looked like a rabbit caught in headlights.. haha!). And they kept me entertained, pretty much the whole night.

Although, I WAS highly amused, as predicted. D's antics were hilarious, to say the least, and I just thank God that the officers found her preoccupation with seeing sailor boys amusing instead of insulting! :P

That night reinforced my love for the British sense of humour. And also their more reserved and less in your face ways... Maybe that's why I was much more comfortable than I probably would've been on an American ship or something.

It was a good experience.. It's just a pity when you only meet someone for a couple of hours then never see them again. That's the part that sucked. But I'll always have the memories of my first time aboard a navy ship.. and they'll always be really goood ones :)

Courage, My Dear, Courage!

I've never been particularly impulsive.. I often worry over an idea so much that I end up discarding it because most times, the cons outweigh the pros.

This time, though, I'm doing something so completely out of character that my stomach feels like it's been displaced and if I clench my teeth any more than I am now, my father'll have to make me some of his implant thingies, coz I won't have any left.

But why am I doing it, if it's going to make this nervous and skittish as hell? Hm.. I dunno. But I do know that for once in my life I want to try and do what FEELS right, not what I've thought through a gazillion times. I'm sick of doing the safe thing.

Who knows? This gamble may pay off.. I could end up with mud in my face, or I could gain something that's quite hard to find. Either way, at least I can give myself a pat on the back and truly say that for the first time EVER, I wasn't a coward and went after what I wanted.

Whoopee! Strong words.. now I just have to go through with it :P

Thoughts on Love and Marriage By Our Children...

I got this from A Joke A Day.. and some of the answers literally made me laugh out loud :) Take a note guys: Next time you kiss a girl, you're honour-bound to marry her *grins wickedly* Hm.. I don't think I'll be doing any kissing anytime soon, either. Hehe.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And The #1 Response Was...

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Very Fair Indeed! :)

I went to see My Fair Lady The Musical yesterday... And while I'll always love the movie version the most, I must say that I totally enjoyed the stage performance! I never thought it'd be anywhere close to being as good the movie, but they did it so well that one wouldn't even bother with comparisons - it has a charm all its own.

If you guys haven't seen it, or are planning to, I urge you to go... tis an experience that shouldn't be missed! It'll be staged til the 20th of May and you can get tickets here.

However, it must be said that no one will ever replace Rex Harrison as Henry Higgins, no matter how good they are! :)

MP Fiasco *shakes head sadly*

I just realised.. I'll be eligible to vote next year. And tis a good thing I read the newspapers, because I would've otherwise blindly voted for the "stronger" party who I think is doing an okay job of keeping the country together.

However, I would like to know this: How do you vote for people who do not have a shred of decency and courtesy? (Mind, I'm not talking about the entire party, just a few public figures who are a disgrace not only to themselves and their parties, but Malaysians in general).

I would like to think that the MPs, the very people who form the laws that govern us, would behave in more civilised manner than 7-year-olds having a brawl in the school hall. However, this doesn't seem to be the case with some of them.

What am I talking about, you ask? (And this is just ONE case, mind.. there were similar ones before.)

Read this excerpt taken from the Star website:

"The furore started last week in the Dewan Rakyat when opposition MPs tried to raise a motion on the leaking ceiling near the media centre.

Bung Mokhtar and Mohd Said then said, “Mana bocor? Batu Gajah pun bocor setiap bulan.” (Where is the leak? Batu Gajah (MP Fong Po Kuan) also leaks every month.) "

Just because a statement is deemed true, does not give anyone the right to make it. Especially not when you're in the process of an official discussion. It was just plain rude, it's as simple as that. And what was the reaction of Datuk Seri Mohamed Nazri Aziz, Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department?

“..To apologise to Fong is not on. I don’t agree.

“This is part of parliamentary debates. Both MPs uttered the words during the heat of their debate, and you cannot control people’s emotions.."
- Sharizat to meet with MPs (click on link for full story)

This is part of parliamentary debates? So that's how our MPs debate, is it? My god, for shame! And he can say that they should apologise to women in general, but not to the woman the statement was made to? Good golly gosh. How dumb does this man think the Malaysian public is, anyway, not to see the complete lack of logic in such a statement?

Oh I'm not so naive as to think that all the people we elect are decent human beings who know when they've said something wrong and apologize for it. But I would expect the party involved to take measures to make sure such people are properly chastised!

Hey, I know teenagers who debate in a much more decent manner than the above! It's possible to have an argument without resorting to degradation of any sort. But if we go on saying, "oh, you shouldn't take it seriously, it was just a joke" or "the media blew the whole thing completely out of proportion", then is this not condoning the situation? It is not just what was said that is the issue.. it is the entire principle of the matter!

Or has our government forgotten that one line in the Rukunegara, which they created to foster unity among people of different race, religion, creed, and heck, even gender, I might add?

"Kesopanan dan kesusilaan".

Tell me, please, did "kesopanan" come into the MPs statement at all? If it did not, they should apologize, not only to women in general, but to the one they said it to.. that's just common decency! Those who create the law should be the first ones to uphold it, and is not the Rukunegara one of the more important parts of our Constitution?

And tis not the first time such things are happening, if the reports are to be believed. So, by closing one eye (or both eyes and ears, as it seems in this case), the government has allowed such things to be so commonplace, that they try to justify with "This is part of parliamentary debates." It is truly a pathetic excuse.

If they want the support of us youngsters, "the future of the nation", as they like to call us, the government should step up and clean up their act before a whole lot of us are alienated. We're a generation who are more exposed to what's right and what's just plain wrong when it comes to the rights of human beings, and if they truly think they can get away with insulting our intelligence, well.. eventually they'll lose all those who actually CAN think for themselves, either to other parties, or worse, other countries.

As it is, I shall be thinking long and hard now about who I will vote for when the time comes. It's my country after all, and I do hate to see her shamed by a few people who show such a blatant disrespect for the people and the country that they claim to serve.

These Open Arms

What if everything you ever took for granted, was gone?
And everything you ever thought was right, was wrong?
And what if everyone you ever loved was torn, from the pages of your life?
Would you reach out for tomorrow, or try to turn back time?

These open arms will wait for you
These open arms can pull us through
Between what's left and left to do
These open arms
These open arms
These open arms will wait for you

Did you really love the ones you said you loved, think twice.
And did you make a bit of difference in somebody elses life?
Tell me, is there someone you can count on when you need a friend?
Can you see I need a friend?

These open arms will wait for you
These open arms can pull us through
Between whats left and left to do
These open arms
These open arms
These open arms will wait for you

Surrendering high
Give in, stop questioning why
Open your heart up to love & you'll see you will find

These open arms will wait for you
These open arms can pull us through
Between what's left and left to do
These open arms
These open arms
These open arms
These open arms
These open arms will wait for you

Self-rant

I wonder how some people can be so in control of their emotions... So much so that it sometimes feels like they don't have any. That's scary. But also a highly enviable position to be in.

I think I've mastered the art of disguising my feelings somewhat - I can put on a cheerful face when all I want to do is throw something at the wall and curse fate for all the insanity it keeps deciding to send my way. What I haven't managed to get a hold of, though, is how to keep those emotions at bay. The ones that creep up on you when you least expect them to and take you into a chokehold of pain so strong that you can barely breathe.

Am I being a tad melodramatic? Well, forgive me. I don't do well with pent-up anything, be it good feelings or bad. And while I've had more than my share of "good", it seems that at some point the bad must come in, and it hasn't decided to leave just yet.

Oh, I'm more than aware that allowing one's self to be hurt is 90% of the process of being hurt in the first place. However, tis easier said than done to place the blame solely at one's feet. Or maybe I'm just a coward. Huh. That'd explain a hell of a lot.

To top it off, I'm turning into someone I don't recognise.. I'm not a jealous person by nature. But lately my mind keeps heading out into forbidden territory and the ugly green monster (hey, it has my face on it after all!!! Haha :P) rears it's head. Sigh.

I want my old self back. The one who could just shrug off indifference and go about her daily business unaffected. I don't like self pity, but it seems I'm turning into the one thing I hate most - a hypocrite. Argh!

Seems this entire post is contradictory huh? Darn it all. Oh well.. just needed to rant at myself a little. Tis time I took the blame for SOME of the negative aspects of my life.

Huh.

I am frustrated. And it's the anxiety-ridden frustration too. Sigh.. I thought I was over all that a month ago, but I think everything's still so raw that just a slight hint of anything is like pouring acid on an open wound.

Once burned, twice shy? You don't know the half of it.

On Love...

When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not that you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

~ Khalil Gibran ~
1883 - 1931

Sevenses!

Got tagged by Kok Pun, so I figured I'd do it.. especially since it's all in 7s. My all time favourite number :) Haha..

[Seven Things I'm Experiencing Now]
1. Undecidedness.. can't really break down everything I'm experiencing right now :)
2. Feeling refreshed, if you can believe it, after swimming 30 laps just now.
3. A little sadness, too, coz one of my closest friends and mentor-like person is leaving for God-knows-where. Literally.
4. Apprehension.. I have loads to study by November. Yikes!
5. Melancholy... for all the usual reasons.
6. A bit of nostalgia..
7. Amusement - haven't done something like this in a long while.

[Seven Things I'm Thinking About Now]
1. How I'm possibly gonna be able to fill 7 slots for each heading :P
2. Of my bro and his decided bad luck/stupidity.
3. Whether I can possibly complete my syllabus by November :S
4. That I should really organise another Insanely Sane sleepover! *winks at Jen*
5. Er.. "Berpasir" *laughs hysterically* Only a few people'll possibly get THIS one! ;)
6. Wishing I was going for the karaoke session the U6S-ers are having tomorrow. Sigh.
7. Coffee.

[Seven Things I'm Worrying About]
1. My future, career-wise.
2. My future with a certain someone.. Scared to death is probably the more accurate description. Sigh.
3. Bloody STPM.
4. Whether I'll have enough money to get the Elliott Yamin and Vittorio Grigolo CDs. (Yes, I know his name sounds damn gay :P)
5. My inability to write properly anymore. Argh!
6. If anyone is going to read everything on this thingy.. lol.
7. The FA Cup final :)

[Seven Things I'm Happy About]
1. Being back in civilisation! :D
2. Knowing that my CHS friends actually still wanna keep in touch with me :)
3. Ju Li's coming home!!! *jumps up and down gleefully*
4. Aunty Jeanie came back!!! Haha!
5. Learning how to play Risk. Tis a fun game, it is!
6. Losing some weight in spite of gorging myself on Aunty Mary's incredible chicken curry yesterday.. hehe.
7. MANCHESTER UNITED WINNING THE PREMIERSHIP TITLE!!!! :D

[Seven People I Treasure]
1. My immediate family
2. My adult friends
3. My darling cousins
4. The Insanely Saners
5. Joyce and Lavi
6. My Net friends... esp those from the MI Forum and FP.
7. Sandy.

[Seven Things I Always Touch or Come In Contact With]
1. The computer mouse, keyboard, CPU.... :)
2. My book cabinet handle.. hehe.
3. My bed + pillow!
4. My "security T-shirt" *grins at Jenna*
5. A book a day, at least!
6. Study material.. sigh.
7. My body... *grins wickedly*

[Seven Things I Want to Improve]
1. Concentration levels.. I still have trouble keeping my mind on one thing at a time.
2. My intelligence... (KP: How bloody intelligent do you want to be?? You're already on par with Einstein or something!!! :P)
3. My Mandarin. Ya ya Yin.. don't you DARE laugh! *growls*
4. My people skills.. Apparently I'm as approachable as a starved tiger.
5. My musical ability... still pretty mediocre, although my ear's not too bad.
6. Fitness.. I'm still trying to recover from being a coach potato for so long *blushes*
7. Eating habits. Sigh.

[Seven Things I'm Strong In]
1. Reading? Lol...
2. Language .. English, to be precise.. at least, I used to be!
3. Wriggling out of awkward situations
4. I've got a pretty good ear for good/bad music.. can always tell if something's wrong with a song
5. Being a lame-ass :)
6. Scaring people away! Haha.. hell, I don't even have to try!
7. I'm a pretty good listener.. at least, I try my bestest to be :)

[Seven Things I'm Weak In]
1. MATH MATH MATH MATH MATH MATH!
2. Hiding emotions
3. Patience
4. Confrontations
5. Explaining myself clearly and concisely. Sigh.
6. Controlling my temper
7. Self confidence? :)

[Seven Things I Adore Eating]
1. CHOCOLATE!!!
2. Vanilla ice cream :)
3. Chilli tuna + rice.. Yum!
4. My spicy beef linguine :)
5. Japanese food
6. Famous Amos' Chocolate Chip Cookies
7. The Fisherman's Giant Platter in the Manhattan Fish Market! :P

[Seven Things I Adore Drinking]
1. Coffee! Lots and lots and lots!
2. Vodka lime
3. Really good wines
4. Campbell's tomato soup
5. Bailey's Irish Cream (do I sound like an alcoholic? :P)
6. Cold water
7. Rootbeer floats

[Seven Things I Detest]
1. Hypocrisy
2. Incompetency
3. Kiasu-ism
4. Fake fronts.. be yourself. That's all that matters.
5. Smelly fish
6. Unnecessary arguments
7. People who think it's ok to hurt someone else in order to look cool

[Seven Things I Cannot Live Without]
1. My closest friends
2. My cousins and bro
3. Music
4. Books!!!!
5. The computer + Internet
6. Contact with.. someone.
7. Love - all the types.

[Seven Things I Fear to Show]
1. Insecurity
2. Arrogance.. I hate that in people, so I always try to watch myself
3. Worry
4. Lack of confidence
5. How I feel about someone.. even now, I'm afraid that he'll just turn around and walk away.
6. My emotions
7. Dissatisfaction

[Seven Things I'll Never Want to Talk About]
1. Other people's secrets - they're not mine to share.
2. My fears and insecurites.
3. Intimate stuff about any guys in my life (if there ever are any).. some things should remain sacred.
4. My personal life in general..
5. My reasons for choosing certain directions - if I don't want to tell anyone, that's my prerogative.
6. Dissing other beliefs and religions.. I don't mind healthy discussions, but I draw the line at belittling something. It's disrespectful.
7. Results.. neither do I find it necessary for others to do so if they don't want to.

[Seven Things I Will Want to Do]
1. Graduate with a degree in something :P
2. Go backpacking 'round Europe :)
3. Get my Elliott Yamin CD!!!!
4. Work with kids
5. Start a family :)
6. Go for a Man Utd vs Liverpool/Chelsea/Arsenal game in Old Trafford!!!
7. Get a dog!!!!

[Seven Things I Will Never Play Around With]
1. Feelings. Not anymore.. sigh.
2. Road safety.. too many unnecessary fatalities these days
3. My future
4. Sensitive subjects
5. Sacred objects, regardless of which religion it's from
6. Relationships
7. Trust

[Seven Things I Wonder About]
1. If I'll do well this time
2. Why I'm feeling so insecure these days
3. If there's any way for my future to work out the way I want it to without destrying important relationships. Sigh.
4. Why I can't be friendlier
5. If I'll be able to lose all the milkshake pounds I put on in March. Argh.
6. Why people can't solve differences logically and rationally
7. If I'm really doing the right thing

[Seven Questions I Hope My Friends Would Respond To]
1. How's my personality?
2. What do you like about me?
3. What do you dislike about me?
4. What do you remember/treasure most about me?
5. Do I portray myself as a kiasu/arrogant person?
6. Have I been as good to you guys as you've been to me?
7. How often do you read my blog?

(Sorry KP.. I plagiarised some of your answers :P)

[Seven Things (or People) I Would Love to See]
1. Sandy :)
2. Gerard Butler.. hehe.
3. My Aussie cousins.. haven't seem them in ages!
4. Good results this time 'round! :)
5. I-Chen.. that's a priority!
6. Vern and Li Chin... they've both grown up so much!
7. World peace.. indeed! :)

[Seven People I Wanna Tag]
1. Yin
2. Subu
3. Sharmin/Vinder lol
4. Ee May!
5. Allan
6. Ah Beh :)
7. Anyone else reading this!

Hm..

I wish people could argue rationally and logically. To sit down and hash out a problem - isn't that so much better than yelling and screaming? I mean, what does the latter accomplish? Nothing but animosity, no?

If only everyone could evaluate their feelings before actually acting on them, then maybe there wouldn't be so many broken lives, families and people.

Just a thought for today.

Ciao bellas! xxx

Ethan My Man! :)

I stole this from Jono's blog again, but I just couldn't resist! :)

He is absolutely the cutest, naughtiest, mischievous-est, most lovable little boy you'll ever meet - even if he has a stubborn streak a mile wide!

I love my Ethan man, I do!

You Are My Miracle

I'm going to meet Jenna and Dav for breakfast in a bit.. but before that I just wanna post up the lyrics to this song by Vittorio Grigolo (and Nicole Scherzinger for the English version). I loved it! And the Italian version is sooo much nicer than the English, but oh well :)

Tutte le cose che non sai io te le insegnero
Le stelle che tu conterai te le regalero
Sapro inventare favole che ti raccontero
Cosi che I sogni volino piu a nord

So many things I've never known that I will learn from you
Finding reason in your words that are tried and true
E provero a sorprenderti con un sorriso in piu
Cosi che possa perderti anche tu

You are my miracle
You are soft and pure just like the air I breathe
You, heart of my heart
There's a secret that you hold - that you hold
Deep within that so discreetly hides your soul

The strength I simply never found, I will find in you
What I believe our future holds, I will see it through
Con te vivro ogni attimo che mi regalerai
Come se fosse l'ultimo per noi

You are my miracle
Acqua chiara e fresca che fa vivere
You, heart or my heart
There's a secret that you hold - that you hold
And it's hidden so discreetly
E mi guidera
Verso il centro dell'amore

Love, heart of my heart
There's a secret that you hold - that you hold
Che nasconde dolcemente
Will you share the secret with me
Ever more

You're Not Gonna Believe This... :)

Hi guys!

I am back in KL!

Well.. Klang, to be more precise.

Now, before you all go, "HUH?!", let me explain...

Through a series of miscommunications and "I don't know, go ask them when you register"s, I finally figured out that it would be far more practical for me to repeat STPM than to do the foundation course.

Here's why...

1. When I asked the people manning the office if it were possible to only take certain pertinent subjects, the answer was, "I'm not sure, ask the admissions people when you register". [Point of info: It costs almost RM20000 for a full year in foundation (STPM costs RM195 to register for). ]
2. So, showed up at the uni, was rushed into registration by some pretty flustered personnel. (Which was pretty stupid, considering the fact that I needed to have my questions answered BEFORE I registered.) But anyway.. Turns out there are no exemptions in subjects in the foundation course. I'd HAVE to take Physics, a subject I have not touched or thought about in more than 2 years.
3. Now, if you were me, would you rather go through something that's already familiar, or waste precious brushing-up time trying to re-learn something that you've completely thrown out of your mind?
4. PLUS, if, something should happen again (like the migraine attack last year), I'd have to re-do the foundation programme because of the fact that the qualifications is useless for anywhere other than the uni (another RM20000), as opposed to spending another RM195 if such a thing should happen again while re-sitting STPM.

So, finally concluded (after consulting with dad and my uncle Berty) that the best thing to do was just to come back and retake the exam. I mean, what do I have to lose? Maybe another year?

I know this whole thing sounds like a regular fiasco, but I can honestly say that had my questions been answered in due time, I wouldn't have made the decision to go. However, it was quite a good experience coz I got to see the campus - which is actually a really nice campus. Or it will be once it's fully up and running. I can safely say that I wouldn't mind doing my degree there at all.

Oh, and the best part - I got new clothes, new shoes and a new laptop out of this whole mess :) So I suppose it weren't all for nothing. Hehe..

So looks like I'll be seeing more of you guys than you thought! Poor souls... Heehee!

Well, toodles for now! Just thought I'd update y'all.

WooOOOOooHOOooooOO!! :D

MANCHESTER UNITED JUST TRASHED AS ROMA 7-1!!!! SEVEN - ONE!! TUJUH - SATU!! SEIS - UNO!! :D
(I dunno the Italian translation, but hey - you get the picture :P)

Awesome AWESOME display, well worth the crazy late night!!

Wooh!

*shrieks* GLORY GLORY MAN UTD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You should check out the goals - spectacular! :)

Those on the scoresheet:

Michael Carrick - 2
Alan Smith - 1
Wayne Rooney - 1
Cristiano Ronaldo - 2
Patrice Evra - 1

Methinks more than 90% of MU's squad are on the scoresheet now!

How absolutely awesome is THAT? :D

Food!! :D

Ah, tis the food we cooked last Saturday! (Stole it from Jono's blog.. lol. Didn't know he took a pic! :P) Everything's there 'cept the ice cream and the arrabbiatta. But oh well! The rest of it was magnifique! Haha.. as you can well see from the chicken bone on the plate. Heehee. In case you were wondering, though.. No, that ain't no dining table! :P

And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going

Totally love the movie version of this song.. Jennifer Hudson really did it justice! Made me want to cry, she did! Esp when you find out the reason Effie was "sick".. So so so sad!

And I am telling you
I'm not going
You're the best man I'll ever know
There's no way I can ever go
No, no, there's no way
No, no, no, no way I'm living without you
I'm not living without you
I dont wanna be free
I'm staying
I'm staying
And you, and you
You're gonna love me, oohh ooh mm mm
You're gonna love me

And I am telling you
I'm not going
Even though the rough times are showing
There's just no way, there's no way
We're part of the same place
We're part of the same time
We both share the same blood
We both have the same mind
And time and time, we've had so much to see and
No, no, no, no, no, no
I'm not waking up tomorrow morning
And finding that there's nobody there

Darling there's no way
No, no, no, no way Im living without you
I'm not living without you
You see there's just no way, there's no way

Tear down the mountains
Yell, scream, and shout like you can say what you want
I'm not walking out
Stop all the rivers, push, strike, and kill
I'm not gonna leave you
There's no way I will

And I am telling you
I'm not going
You're the best man I'll ever know
There's no way I can ever, ever go
No, no, no, no way
No, no, no, no way
I'm living without you
Oh, I'm not living without you, not living without you
I dont wanna be free
I'm staying, I'm staying
And you, and you, and you
You're gonna love me

You're gonna love me, yes you are
Ooh ooh love me, ooh ooh ooh love me
Love me, love me, love me, love me

You're gonna love me

Cookout!

From Left to Right: David, Ash, me, Jono and Ezra!

Today was fun. The best RSVP team on the planet finally got together for the first time since the 21st of March. God knows, I missed them! We had so much of fun, what with lunches and daily ogling sessions at Decanter, making silly jokes, discussing our various relationships (mainly Ezra's :P) or the lack, thereof.. It felt like we'd known each other for years, instead of just for 3 weeks.

Anyway, we finally had the cook-out we've been wanting to have for the past couple of weeks or so. God, we made so much of food for 5 people, it was unbelievable! Haha.. 2 types of spaghetti (arrabbiatta and my own "experiment" with dried prawn chilli paste), grilled chicken ala Ezra, fresh garden salad and ice cream with Hersheys chocolate sauce for dessert.

Woooh!

Talk about an endorphin-releasing meal :P Anyhow, it all turned out pretty darn well.. Although it's a shame.. I forgot to remind Jon to take pictures of the feast we whipped up. Sigh... Oh well. There'll be a next time!

It really was awesome to just lepak with the gang again. Hopefully we'll see more of 'em.

I think I really will invite myself over for tea at Ash's next week :)

Of Stress-related Silliness, and Cuteness

This is what folks do when they're stressed senseless :P

We went to see Mr. Bean's Holiday last Thursday. God, it felt good to laugh my head off after a month of little sleep and plenty of stress. I absolutely loved the opera scene. Rowan Atkinson at his best, methinks! :)

I started this one night when I absolutely could NOT sleep (methinks it was remnants from the "an hour of sleep is sufficient" days.. lol). Me and Jono finished this 1000 piece jigsaw in 13 hours. We is proud of us, we is! :D

This is Cutie #1 - Ryan. He's the eldest of 4, and a real smarty-pants. Gotta wear glasses though, poor kid.. This is what too much PS2 and computer games does to you.. :P

Brandon! Cutie #2! The Burposaurus! Haha.. That bit's my fault, actually. I told them a story about a kid who kept burping so much he turned into a Burposaurus at Christmas, and til now Brandon-da-man can't stop acting like one. Sigh.

Ooh! This is my little darling Ethan a.ka. Datuk a.k.a Cutie #3! Boy, does this kid have a mouth on him! He'll cheek you no end if you let him.. And more even if you don't! Haha.. He still loves messing up my hair. Naughty boy! He's got one thing in common with his brothers, though - they're all typical Fernandez men: totally NOT morning people! :D

This little rascal is Ashley (Cutie # 4). Or better known as Mak Cik (aunty). She is the master of staring down her nose at someone, and she's not even 3! But when she warms up to you, she's lots of fun to play with AND to talk to, coz you just never know what'll come out of her mouth next! :)

Ah yes. Mak Cik also likes looking at pictures of herself. Which is why there're more of her than of the 3 :)

And finally for the cutie of the week.. *drumroll* Cosmos the Chihuahua (I think my aunt has a sense of humour when it comes to doggie names :P) He's also known as Cos, Cossy, and "thilly dog" :) He's a real scaredy cat (sorry, Cos, I meant dog..) but he's the cutest thing ever! And he loves cuddles and pets. I just love the little tongue sticking out like that.. makes him look even cuter! :)