Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh, or just give in and cry. But I've cried too much already, wasting precious tears on something that probably was only special in my own mind. I'm trying to convince myself that David was right in his assessment of the situation, but maybe it's all still too fresh in my head (in spite of almost a year of trying to get used to it) for me to accept as reality.
But frankly, it IS quite amusing. I'm replaying reactions in my head, and it's not hard to see that faced with negative emotions, some people just don't know how to handle it. Now I'm not saying I can, but at least I'm honest enough with myself to face them, painful or not.
Over the last year I've faced some really painful truths about myself, and the kind of person I am - how truly insecure I really am. I also learnt that I cannot keep relying on someone else to provide me with self-worth. I cannot conjure up dream-like scenes in my head and expect them to come true.
But most of all I learnt that I cannot rely on words. People can say anything, but it doesn't mean they'll follow through on them. And this was, by far, the most painful lesson of all to learn.
I'd like to think I'm older and wiser now, but somehow I'm not sure if that idealistic streak in me has been completely eradicated. However, I know better than to fully believe the words of any man now, no matter how sweet or sincere they seem.
What brought this on? Haha.. let's just say I tested out a theory, and I was proven right. Thank god I had the self control not to send a warning email! Something I should have had a long time ago, but at least I'm learning now...
I'd be damned stupid not to!
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