La la la... :P

I'm crazy about him. I am. I am. God help me, I am!

(Should I grin or sigh? Maybe both.)

Free...

"I sing because I'm happy..."

I dream of running through an open field in the bright morning sun, a cool breeze in my hair, just happy and wild and free. I'm so tired of living within these constraints, where I'm not free to be who I really am. Where I have to hide behind this mask of professionalism and competence, because the world I live in cannot be reconciled with the quirky goofball I really am. I'm happiest when I'm at home, free to run and jump and dance as and when I feel like it. To sing at the top of my lungs and get nothing more than a few amused smiles from family who love me precisely because I AM that nut. The nosey little Chip. The bum who needs to get dragged around to do stuff on one day, yet needs little prompting to do something else on another. Only the people closest to me know that I hate being all serious and business-like, but force myself into the role because it's necessary to survive. I just wish I could find a niche where I can finally let the child in me be free, with no repercussions or remonstrations. Acceptance. Even that is more than enough.

stop!

stop! shrieking, shrieking
piercing blasts of sound
talking, too much talking
who to listen to?
you? what do you want?
no, i'm not like that!
stop! begging, begging
please! a few moments
of peace and quiet
oh, will this never cease?
yes, yes i will - just
stop!
ten times, a dozen times
more?
red rivers everywhere
no, it wasn't me!
are you listening?
they just won't stop!
i just want them to stop.
please! just make them stop.
stop! stop! stop!

In-security.

We all have our little insecurities. It's also certainly quite interesting to note these insecurities in seemingly secure people. Most of the time, they're rather surprising. And fascinating! They add a whole new dimension to a person, and more often than not, should really be appreciated because they humanize even the most intimidating people. Understanding that some people may be motivated by insecurity, whether they themselves realize it or not, actually makes it easier to be less critical and more forgiving of faults. A lot of times, we try to disguise that tiny voice with displays of superiority, and some of us can actually make ourselves believe that that's what we are. The results of which can be quite tragic. What's the point in being "respected" out of fear? It's hardly a credit to ourselves to be put on pedestals for ability -- for what we can do, as opposed to who we really are. All that can be stripped away, but what remains are the fundamental values and principles that make up the biggest part of us. Can we honestly say that when that happens, we can still stand tall, knowing that we will still be respected, if nothing else? I never could see the point in making others feel small to feed our own sense of superiority just to compensate for that something that seems to be lacking in us. Whether we like it or not, sooner or later, the way we treat the people around us will come to matter more than how much better we are than them. And then what will we be left with? The same insecurities we started out trying to hide. Tis truly, truly sad.

Eeps!

I've come to realize that I put too much stock into words. When at the end of the day, it is action that matters. The way I define love is probably different from the way a lot of people do. For some, going out on a limb would be a better indication of it, not waxing eloquent about it. I need to remember this, so I don't drive myself crazy comparing my way of doing things with others'. Not that I can wax eloquent about anything under any circumstances, but you get my point. I guess it's important to recognize that it's more in what they're willing to do, how far they're willing to go... rather than simply pretty, but ultimately empty, words. Hm. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much. Sigh. So what else is new?

!!!

I'm scared witless. Because in spite of the surprising resilience that has dragged me out of so many stupid situations, I'm sick of getting hurt. Of finding out that all I've been doing is building castles in the air. That my feelings are never reciprocated in quite the same way... It takes its toll. Some insecurities are hard to overcome -- particularly when they've been hammered in over and over. My heart says one thing but my brain screams another. I just need a break. From all these emotions. But how do I run away from something that is very much a part of me? I can't escape it, so I'll have to learn to deal. Somehow. And someday maybe there'll be someone who will be able to accept me -- romanticism, expressiveness, insecurities and all.. and dare I hope, love those annoying parts of me too.

Dreamer...

Thinking back on what I used to write about, I have to laugh. Not just because of the extreme idealism that pervaded almost everything I wrote on this subject, but because I've come to realize that the very same idealism remains -- it's just a lot better disguised now. I don't do myself any favors, of course, by reading and listening to the things I do but I can't help it; I rather enjoy feeding my imagination, though, to be quite honest, it doesn't need all that much help to move it along... Why am I this dreamy? I can't remember a time when I wasn't. Even as a child I was always half-living in an entirely different world. I haven't changed much from the little girl who used to daydream about going on adventures like the Famous Five or solving mysteries like the Three Investigators. I've just learned to make the line less blurry. But difficult to live with or not, I don't ever want to lose this side of me. It keeps me child-like and helps me see the wonder, the possibilities life has to offer. Besides, it's fun. It really is!

Isn't It Ironic?

None of us can completely escape hypocrisy. What separates us is whether or not we realize this. If we search ourselves deep enough, we'll know that we haven't always met the standards we set. Yet we still readily impose these standards on others. What we often don't realize is that even while we do this, and scorn them for not living up to our standards, we fail to live up to theirs too, albeit in a different way. No one has the right to belittle another person, in any way or form, for any reason. Sadly, it's more often than not when we say that... that we proceed to do the very thing we scorn.

- - -

How often do we walk through life forgetting that we aren't the only ones there?

People matter. Regardless of how insignificant someone might seem in the so-called grander scheme of things, nothing gives us the right to treat them so.

We may be the center of our own little universe but until the earth starts to revolve around us, we should hark up to the fact that there are different ways to be significant. And the inability to realize that is one of the saddest things I've seen.

The "open" mind can sometimes be the most closed. Pity.

Hm..

It's funny how things always seem to progress to a point where you start to think that it could not possibly get any worse. Which I suppose is a good thing, at the end of the day, because then the only way left to go is up. Somehow. Some days, even when things don't make sense, I'm at ease and able to go with the flow. Other days it's almost as if I can't move til I understand. And I'm just beginning to realize that this is real. This struggle is me finally starting to be real. The good part is, though, that I know I'm never alone in this. His faithfulness is what has been pulling me through all the times where my mind feels like it's been turned inside out. It has sometimes been my only comfort, remembering that Jesus loves me, even when I cannot feel it. Even when I'm fighting the inner demons that demand to surface. He's always there. And strangely enough, every single time, he gives me the strength to pick myself up and try again.

Perspective...

A trip down memory lane made me realize a few things about myself and the person I was not too long ago. How much damage focusing solely on myself and my feelings wrought upon my psychological and emotional health. I chose to blame someone else when really, the fault was my own. I almost lost one of the best people I've ever known through my self-centeredness and I can only thank God that he loved me enough to stick around.

:)

Every virtue in your soul is a precious ornament which makes you dear to God and to man.
But holy purity, the queen of virtues, the angelic virtue, is a jewel so precious that those who possess it become like the angels of God in Heaven, even though clothed in mortal flesh.

~ St. John Bosco ~

Friends

It's amazing how in a world filled with such diversity, we all manage to find kindred souls. Like-minded people with whom we can just click and be so comfortable talking to, or even better, be comfortable enough to just be together without feeling the need to fill in the "awkward silence".

Friends a such an incredible blessing from God. When I actually spend time thinking about it, I realize what a gift it is to have someone who knows and loves me for who I am. Who accepts me, virtues, faults and all the stuff in between. And the even more amazing thing is -- God's blessed me with so many! People who would be there for me in a heart beat, just as I would be for them.

In a world that's becoming more and more individualistic by the day, I cannot reiterate enough how absolutely thankful and glad I am to have friends who genuinely care for one another. Who actually want to be a part of each others lives. And I don't ever want there to be a day that goes by that I forget to appreciate the joy they bring to my life.

Lessons...

There has been so much to be learned over the past couple of weeks about honesty, awareness, love and simply about being human. So many pleas for sanity that cry out to be heeded. The whirlwind we live in seems to be sweeping everyone along at a pace that only allows room for a narrow, self-focused way of life. Oh, that we would look at others and see human beings -- with thoughts and feelings and all the other baggage that comes with being homo sapien! How much more meaning would life have if we could see the people around us for who they are, bringing life to our surroundings, rather than just being mere backdrops to the dreary monologue of our lives. Different personalities add color, different views add spice... Life is so much more full when lived with and for others! Oh, I pray that I will not get so caught up with the solitary "I" that I forget to look around me ... and live.

Argh.

God gave us siblings for a reason. I know he did.

I just have to figure out what that reason is.

:D

Okay. So I know what the reason is after all ... Irritate each other or not, there's no one I love more in the whole world :)

Rambles...

It's funny how we can develop affection for some people over such a short period of time. What is it about some individuals that just makes them stick out in our minds and memories? Over the past couple of weeks I've learned that looking beyond the facade can actually be rewarding and that really talking and listening to people is key to forming the right impressions. Had I stuck to my initial reaction, I definitely would not have had the privilege of getting to know a rather unique person who actually exemplifies the fact that seemingly constant activity doesn't necessarily belie a lack of depth.

I suppose part of it is an actual effort to notice the details. Body language that is sometimes so subtle you won't notice it unless you're actually paying attention, not just to what is being said.. or even how it's being said. That being said, though, this is easier to do with some people than others -- wanting to make that effort, that is. I don't know.. it could just be that some folk are more engaged than others. It's pretty hard to get to know people who are detached most of the time. Yours truly being guilty as charged. Can't even begin to count the number of people who've misread me over the years.

Hm. I'd say I'm digressing but I don't suppose you can actually digress when there isn't a point to digress from in the first place. Oh well. I reckon my sort of point was just this: I'm glad I decided to look further than the obvious. It's really paid off :)

-untitled-

Everyday I begin to realize more and more how much I really need to depend on God. To trust that He always knows best, and that only He knows what will ultimately make me happy. I will never know myself as well as He does - He created me, after all. It's a struggle to surrender certain parts of my life to Him, though, and sometimes I wonder if I can... But then I remember that it isn't by my strength that I can - it's only by His love and mercy and grace. So there's always a tug of war going on within myself between my need to be in control and the knowledge that I will only ever really be free when I give that control to the one who knows and loves me more than I could ever hope to imagine. I just pray that I will be able to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus - to trust in His promises and believe in the power of the love that He has for me.

A New Beginning...

So many people are hurting. So many hearts are broken. Sometimes it's just so hard to reach out for the One who wants to take away all hurt. To bring peace to the anxious, comfort to the lonely. I know the discouragement, the disillusionment. I know the confusion and the wondering whether it really is all just a story...

But the person I am today, right here, right now, is a living example that it isn't just a story. Jesus is real. His love is real. I was so lost and now... Now I live with a peace that comes not from a state of mind or a pleasant environment. It comes from a God that is ALL love. His mercy and forgiveness was always there for the taking. All I had to do was just reach out and grasp it.

I am saved by His love. I am made whole by His love. And nothing and no one can take that love away from me. It is only I who could choose to walk away. But that would be the most idiotic thing I could ever do in my lifetime. It makes no sense to choose temporary satisfaction over the love of Him who died that I might live.

Do you have any idea how amazing a love that is? Constant, faithful, everlasting and unconditional love. I never want to let go of it because to live like I once was would be a fate worse than death.

He Holds The Keys!

And to all the things that have kept you away
That keep you defeated day after day after day
The heartache that nobody sees
That eats at your soul like a cruel disease
He who sets the captives free
It is He, it is He who holds your key!

He holds the keys
He holds the keys
Although we've been held captive
At long last we are free
For He holds the keys!

~Steve Green~

Jesus loves us all so very much... He really does.

Go Go Power Rangers!

Childhood memories die hard :)

I've been watching Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers (Season 1) on YouTube, and I'm hooked. Just like I was 16 years ago *looks sheepish* It was THE coolest TV show at the time, and Jason the Red Ranger (actor: Austin St. John) was my first ever celebrity crush, so you can imagine the fascination I have now watching the show (and seeing how incredibly one dimensional the Red Ranger really was lol). Ah well.. it's always been the alpha male that got my attention. Even as a wee 6 year old! :D

What strikes me as being really cute, though, is the way the show tried to incorporate moral values, like having self-confidence, believing in yourself, trusting in your friends... and recycling. Saving the earth from pollution. The Power Rangers weren't just superheroes .. they were civic conscious superheroes! And what better role models for children, hey? ;)

Okay, it's Morphin' Time! (Helloooo YouTube! :P)

Beautiful Savior

This life is a transition, a journey home to where we really, truly belong. Oh, how I long to be in His presence all day long! To immerse myself in His abundant love, outpoured...

No more searching. For I am found.

No more emptiness. For I am filled to overflowing.

He is the promise of forever... Beautiful Savior. Blessed Lord!

Psalm 23

Jesus, my shepherd and only provider
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside the still water
He restores my soul

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me
All the days of my life
And will dwell in house forever
Until the end of time

Jesus, my shepherd and only provider
You make me lie down in green pastures
You lead me beside the still water
You restore my soul

Though I walk through the valley of shadows
I will not be afraid
Your rod and staff are my only comfort
And You'll be with me always

You prepared a table before me
In the presences of my enemies
And you anoint my head with oil
And my cup overflows
My cup overflows with your love
With your love

Jesus, my shepherd and only provider
You make me lie down in green pastures
You lead me beside the still water
You restore my soul

This song is so beautiful, it never fails to move me... Then again, it IS a Psalm... :)

And The Greatest Of These..

I always understood the importance of emotional intelligence at head level but it's only lately that I'm coming to see why people put so much emphasis on it. The lack of it really plays havoc with my ability to love... Sometimes because I lack EI, others because someone else does. Either way, the effect is the same. I don't love like I should be doing.

So I made this list, of things in myself and others that irritate me, just so I know the things to look out for, and therefore pay closer attention to in terms of my reactions to them.

1. A person with a crazy IQ can still have an alarming lack of empathy, or even see no need for it -- which is, frankly, scarier.

2. Not realizing that listening is, most times, more important than talking and pushing to get our points across no matter what.

3. Having the idea that friendship is something we have a right to, and that we should be thanked for the things we do for the people we love. If it's out of love, it's a choice we make... expecting thanks just makes it another self-serving act.

4. Not knowing the difference between being optimistic but realistic as opposed to operating on the sort of blind idealism that sometimes creates more problems than we intend. Which is a shame, really, because our intentions tend to be good in instances like these.

5. Violating the unwritten rule that what is said between friends remains between them, unless permission is otherwise given. For me, this is a serious breach of trust - using information given in confidence to manipulate or threaten the people who entrusted us with it in the first place.

6. Is it really so difficult to ask politely for help? The world doesn't owe us its servitude.

7. Using sarcasm as a way to lash out at others is low. Very low. I will forever be sorry for stooping to that level, justified or not.

8. Heaping more pain and guilt on a loved one who is already suffering to satisfy our own need for "getting my own back".

We've all experienced one or more of these things, either as a recipient or the one having the lapse. It isn't pretty, is it? True, there are people we just can't get along with. So we keep our distance and maintain the peace with them, rather than engage in battles day in and day out that do nothing but wound both parties.

Funny how the simplest things in life are the hardest to do. Is there any wonder that "... the greatest of these is love"? There isn't anything that's harder to do but ultimately more rewarding than love. Now if only I could somehow learn to...

Itchy Fingers :)

I have to write this. These stories have been in the papers the past couple of days and they're seriously hilarious.

1. "The only difference between Man Utd and Liverpool was the number of expensive players they have."

Hm. It's interesting, though, to note that Torres was bought for a significantly higher fee than Ronaldo, purportedly Man U's best player. Ferdinand was injured for a big chunk of the season and was replaced by a rookie in Evans. Tevez is on a loan at United. Berbatov didn't live up to his value in most games. Fergie had to play either a kid (Rafael) or a utility man (O'Shea) as a right back for most of the season because of injuries to Neville and Brown. Vidic, Park, Anderson and Evra were barely heard of before they came to United. Fletcher made a significant contribution to the team, yet he's hardly a big name star. Giggs and Scholes have been at United forever, so how do you calculate their value?

It's silly to say that the only reason Man U won was because of money. True, they have a depth in their squad matched possibly only by Chelsea, but that's mainly due to the genius of Ferguson in developing not just his senior team, but the young players he has. And also, credit shouldn't be taken away from the Man U players who don't fall into the "expensive" category. Man U play as a unit and the team has created stars, rather than winning because they already had them in the first place.

2. "If there was another month left in the season, Liverpool would've caught up with/surpassed Man U."

Newsflash, old boy, but there WAS another month in the season. Several, in fact, when Liverpool failed to capitalize in games they should have won. It really comes down to the team that they hit their stride so late in the season. Wishing that there was another month left is completely ridiculous coz they should've been doing the job from the start. Playing really well for a couple of months after consistently underachieving and then saying that the best team hadn't necessarily won is a joke. Winning games is what wins you titles. Not drawing them. It doesn't matter that they only lost two -- dropping two points per game adds up and they're learning that the hard way.

Phew. Okay. Rant over. It's all about being realistic. If Man U played as Liverpool did throughout the season and lost, I'd still say they got what they deserved. No matter how painful it is not to win the League. I said it after the FA Cup final against Chelsea. And I'll say it again if they don't live up to the standard needed to win games and trophies. It's just that simple.

Beautiful

I'd Rather

I love this song because of the lyrics :)

I thought sometime alone
Was what we really needed
You said this time would hurt more than it helps
But I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
Of a beautiful story
And so I left the one I loved at home to be alone
And I tried to find
Out if this one thing is true
That I'm nothing without you
I know better now
And I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

And then I met someone
And thought he could replace you
We got along just fine
We wasted time because he was not you
We had a lot of fun
Though we knew we were faking
Love was not impressed with our connection they were all lies, all lies
So I'm here cause I found this one thing is true
That I'm nothing without you
I know better now
And I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
Who holds my heart

I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I've done you,
I can only prove the things I say with time,
Please be mine

I'd rather have bad times with you,
Than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm,
Than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together,
Than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
Who holds my heart

~Jasmine Trias~

I Believe

I believe that God sends people into our lives to teach us something about Him, about ourselves, about love. These experiences may not always be smooth or easy but ultimately, we grow. It's interesting, though, that the one who has taught me the most about valuing myself as a person is one whose name belies a potential that boggles the mind, if only he realized it.

... Life on this earth is passing. Maybe we should start thinking beyond the acquiring of wealth, power, knowledge, to a place where all these things will no longer matter, and all that will is how much love we have given to others. Love. For so long we've been surrounded by the idea that love is something that exists in its fullest only between a man and a woman. We forget that love abounds in any relationship we have, family, friends, and more importantly - God.

I have to remember this, as I fill my days with work, so that I never lose sight of what's truly important - that every day, I will do my best to love everyone I come across, no matter how difficult it may be.

Early Morning Musings...

It is a wonderful thing to be able to stand alone. To be strong enough to face hell on your own. But in the past week I've learned that it also takes a different kind of courage to admit that there are things we are just can't do by ourselves, that sometimes, we need to be able to give up pride and rely on the strength of others. It isn't weakness to say I can't do this on my own. We were not created in isolation and there will come a point in time when we will have to learn to trust in the people who love us. It isn't easy being vulnerable, and it sure doesn't give the ego a boost to realize that I'm exposing my weaknesses to someone else. But giving up that need for control, the idea that strength lies only in the ability to face the world alone... it brings with it a sense of peace that I never really thought to experience. As well as an accountability that we all need, regardless of who we are. True, it is important to be able to be independent and stand up for ourselves in this world... but to me, being able to turn to someone else and say "I need your help" is equally as important in order for us to have a balance in our lives. Otherwise, we run a serious danger of becoming egotistical and that, maybe more than anything else, is what drove home this point for me. It is something I shall continue to strive for every day -- the humility to accept that I cannot always turn my life around on my own, and I pray that I will one day come to a point where I can fully accept that I am no superwoman, as much as I would like to think I am :)

Pretty Pictures in the Park

I filched this off Su's blog :) We're keeping the KLCC camwhoring tradition alive, baby! Only thing missing: Sharmin Devinder Cheema!!!! *sniffles*

SS-SB

Love. To love. To be loved. We all look for that. Crave it, even. But most of the time, it stares us directly in the face. There's a love that goes deeper than it's humanly possible to imagine. A love that is constant in the face of anything. A love that would make giving up everything - including one's life - a no-brainer. I've come to realize that I'd take a fall for someone I love this much. Even if it ruins me or takes my life.

I Love...

I love the sound of the rain pouring outside my window. Snuggling up in bed with a book, all warm and comfy underneath the blanket...

I love the smell of the earth after a thunderstorm. It all feels so fresh and renewed...

I love the sights and sounds of the dawn, sunlight just peeking out above the clouds, slowly bathing the world in a shining golden light...

I love the feel of the cool evening breeze against my skin as I stand in the middle of the garden, surrounded by beautiful, carefully tended flowers blooming in an astonishing array of colors...

I love standing at the ledge of a cliff, looking over a deep valley surrounded by majestic mountains, in awe of the terrible beauty of their treacherous landscapes, of trees and vegetation growing tall and thick and strong...

I love walking down the edge of the water, feeling the waves lapping against my bare feet, the wind in my hair...

I love watching the sun set over the sea, casting a comforting glow over the water, a warm goodbye til the dawn breaks once again...

There's so much peace to be found in nature. So much comfort. How often do we take the time to truly appreciate the beauty around us? I wrote this to remind myself of just how much there is to be in awe of and inspired by in this world :)

When Titles Elude You..

Last night, Daddy posed what seemed like rather mundane, every day questions to us in the weekly ABF sessions to help us in our search for our mission in life. Things like: which TV shows do you like most and why, what drives you, etc. Rationale being what you're passionate about should provide a good clue as to what your mission should be.

Normally I would list a dozen shows, books, genres that I love simply because they're fun as hell, but when it comes to the things I really get hooked to, I discovered 2 things:

1. I like seeing change. Both physical and in terms of confidence, assurance, self belief... And it doesn't really matter so much that the shows are more than crap half the time, it's the people that fascinate me.

2. The reason I like profiling stories so much is because it comes down to understanding human behavior. Being able to see the patterns in why people act the way they do, and in the case of criminals, recognize how and why a pattern deviates. It's endlessly fascinating.

And as for the driving force in my life? The answer should be pretty obvious by now -- people. I don't mean in the sense of socializing so much as that I'm genuinely interested in people. Even though I can talk non-stop if you let me (under most circumstances, anyway :P), I actually prefer to listen. Unless someone's pissing me off, in which case it'd be crazy hard to keep my mouth shut, I would generally rather have you tell me about yourself than vice versa.

So... no BIG surprises there, since it pretty much confirms what I already know I want to do, i.e. work with people. It's just a matter of figuring out in what capacity. However, it was interesting to note how the things I gravitate towards actually mirror what I'm really all about. It's something that I must admit I never noticed before, let alone thought about. Now if I could just figure out what it all means... :)

To The Hill And Back!

And so, after 6 long years, the Fernandez family heads up to Fraser's Hill. What has changed? Everything and nothing.

There's lots of renovation going on, most of the old places are getting new looks or being shifted around... But at the end of the day the result is still the same -- there's nothing to do! :P

Unless of course you're like me and are quite content enjoying the cool breeze (bliss!), absolutely stunning hilltop scenery, a good book and your favorite songs playing on a trusty Pod :D

The rest of the family got restless though, so after one night we're back home where there's air-conditioning and to quote the dad: "People!!!!"

But what is a Fernandez trip without it's fair share of mishaps? The casualties this time round were:

1. My running shoes (wore them out, poor souls).
2. Dad's running shoes.
3. Our digicam! *mourns*

Daddy and his butterfingers. Sigh. Tis why the number of pics taken this time around were severely limited. Sigh again.

I enjoyed the trip, though... I'm glad I'm finally fit enough to run around the hill to my favorite spots without keeling over after two steps. If only there'd been more time.. I would've liked to have been able to watch the sun set and go over a few things in a place where my mind is clear and without needless distractions.

Still.. it was nice to get away with the family. Even the bickering was fun, as always :) Here's to more random trips in the future (and may they be at least a day longer)!!!

The Good Life :)

Emo days are over! I'm back to the "whatever" mode, which I like :P I just read something and realized the implications of it... and surprisingly enough, it didn't cut me to the heart, or some other drama-fied thing like that. Yay me! :D

On another note, I always thought it would be hard to cut back and eat healthily. The reality is, it actually isn't all that difficult. It's just a matter of making the right choices. Healthy food can be incredibly tasty if you know what to do with it :) And interestingly enough, once you get a taste for it, greasy and sugar-filled foods become less palatable. I'm not saying I don't like my desserts any more, but I don't crave them now, nor do I eat more than I should when I do have them, which I is what I used to do.

Most importantly, I feel better physically than I have in years... And all thanks to a more balanced diet and regular exercise :) Give it a shot ... you might just be surprised ;)

*sigh*

Every once in awhile the feeling of "if only..." tends to sneak up on me, and tonight it's doing a fine job.

I guess the melancholy is more down to the fact that I've never really known what it's like. Partially my fault for being so damn picky, but yea. It's not that I'm unhappy. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone to call or think about, to do stuff with, to rant to...

Mmm... I shall let myself indulge a bit more and then snap myself out of it. Thank goodness that typically isn't a hard thing to do :)

Break!

I just realized a possible reason why my taste has been so... eclectic.

The similarity theory apparently holds very true with me.

Geeks = attractive because me = geek.

Sigh.

Pumpkin soup with basil and cherry tomatoes + whole grain bread = a better meal than I expected :)

Okay, it's back to reading about the cerebellum I go!

"Little brain". How apt.

A Dream

Oh, to spend the day in a quiet bookstore with a steaming cup of coffee, rain beating down outside the window as I lose myself in the world my imagination constructs with the aid of the book in my hands..

I can almost get a whiff of the wonderful smell of freshly brewed coffee mingling with the distinctly comforting scent of books, both old and new, and the freshness of the rain soaked air as the door opens every now and again to admit a slightly bedraggled customer or two.

A proper, quaint little book cafe, filled with books from wall to wall. Oh, to spend a quiet evening in such a place!

But for now,... I dare only dream.

Maybe...

Maybe one day
You will open your eyes and see
That what you hold in your hands
Without even knowing
Was always yours
Freely given
But fragile, even so

Maybe one day
You will open your eyes and see
That you never really had to
Search far and wide
Always looking for a sign
All you really had to do
Was open your eyes and see

Passion need not be all flame
Love need not always be a whirlwind
A gentle touch, a tender word
A light that shines
Constant and true in the darkest night

Maybe one day
You will open your eyes and see
That the promise of forever
Is standing right here
Heretofore, unseen

*love*

In 1993...

So many wonderful memories... So much love :) These are the three most important people in my life -- have been and always will be. It took me some time to truly appreciate their value, but now I know that in spite of the ups and downs, nothing can ever take the place of the love of my family.

15 years later...:)

And So...

I haven't slept so much in such a long time. It feels good to be able to close my eyes and relax as I listen to the rain pour down outside my bedroom window. It's been so long since relax has even been part of my vocabulary. "Chill-ax" has been more the thing since all we've been doing is work and even the most even tempers get frayed.. :)

I've been given a lot to think about these past couple of days and I have to admit I'm afraid. But there's no place for fear in this world, is there? The only way to win is to go ahead and try. What may seem like an easy thing for some people is daunting for me and I will need to dredge up some inner source of strength to keep myself from finding an excuse to bolt in the opposite direction. Because scared or not, I need this. More to the point, I actually WANT to do it. And as much dissonance as that creates, I'm sure enough of myself now to recognize fear for what it is and all I have to do is steel myself to face it.

On a happier note, the holidays are drawing near and an interesting but horribly emotionally taxing semester is almost at a close... Time does fly, huh? I hope the next semesters bring a little less drama and controversy but that's a very unlikely dream in my world :) Oh well, I can't say as I haven't had any fun in spite of all the American high school drama type nonsense that was floating around for a bit. Sometimes all you can do in the face of idiocy is find its funny side and laugh.

The beginning of 2009 has been eventful... I wonder what the rest of the year will bring...

Tell Me Why Love Story Is So Hard To Forget! :(

I can't believe I've had two teeny bopper songs stuck in my head the past few days!

On the one hand, lil Archie's warbling "Tell me whhhyyyy you're so hard to forget..." and on the other, Taylor Swift's singing the strangest lyrics a girl her age could sing: "Marry me Juliet, you'll never have to be alone..."

I swear to you, it's the strangest combination of sounds ever. And to make things worse, I start singing along to my own version of Sweet Sixteen FM -- in baby tones, no less!

Why oh why can't I get a cool song stuck in my head for once? Then maybe I wouldn't annoy the people around me by singing the same old lines over and over again like a kid out of Barney.

Hmph.

I Want...

To dance under the stars, twirling and laughing in his arms... To watch the sun rise with my head on his shoulder, fingers entwined... To walk along the shore, listening to the music of the waves... To enjoy a moving melody, or a beautiful composition with him... To talk the night away, without noticing the time go by... To laugh and cry without fear of recrimination... To just be, even in silence, knowing that sometimes mere presence is comfort enough... To love, and to be loved in return.

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? You know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

It's my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Sidenote

How does a person get so wise?

I am in awe.

Baby brother's all growed up.

Sniffles.

OMG We Did It!

Woohoo! Look at us! :D

Hahahaha I actually managed to complete the trekathon in one piece! Yay for the couch potato! :) Even better: we ended up being in the top 15 for our faculty, which means I actually got a GOLD medal out it for the women's team prize *roflmao* A funnier thing has never happened to me. But it was overall a fun experience and I'm glad I did it, and not just coz I got a medal :P Actually doing something like this with other students from the department was sweet -- I love the team spirit and togetherness that's there when we're all working together for something. It's one of the things I miss most about high school -- cheering our team on :) Then again, I'm a sentimental fool most of the time, so... Hehe. But I loved today. It was one of the best days of the year thus far :)

BPsych -- We are the champions! :)

Mmm..

Songs have more power to make me cry than any book or movie I'll ever see. Music has the power to move me like nothing else can. A good melody reaches deep within me and curls itself around my heart until all I can feel is the music moving into my very soul. I don't even want to comprehend a life without music. It would be too bleak to even imagine.

.....

I have to laugh. I don't know how a human can be an inhibitor, but jeeez, this has gone far enough. There is no point in wanting something that only ever makes you feel like less than you really are.

Lalalala....:)

Today made me realize how much I miss those random choir competitions back in high school. More to the point, I miss the MGS choir! 5 years of hard work and fun, friendships formed and kept, skipping class to train, learning to train ourselves after our instructor met with an accident -- funnily enough, we did the best in the year we had no trainer -- won 2 district competitions and placed 3rd in the state championships. Not a bad haul for a self-taught choir, I have to say :) Sigh.. Memories! Even the awful uniforms now seem like an adorable quirk that was part and parcel of the MGS choir. It's been years and yet I can still remember the camaraderie, the fights, the horrible clashing notes, and then that moment when we finally get it right and everything falls into place... ah, magic! The feeling is indescribable! I miss that so so so much. I just wish we could find some semblance of that in the HELP choir -- it really would make a whole lot of difference!

Haha, but it has to be said, though -- the judges at the UM competition today were hilariously similar to the ones who judged the district and state choir competitions: they focused on so many trivial things while judging! It's a CHOIR competition, for crying out loud! It's the singing that should matter, not the uniforms or the way they were moving. Fair enough to penalize them if it affected the overall presentation, but if it didn't, it's fairly ridiculous to give the award to another, slightly worse choir, whose only saving grace was that they didn't take risks trying to make their performance interesting. Meh. Still rather geram about that bit. Hee!

Oh well.. I'm so happy I went to see that competition today, though. It's made me remember just how much I love singing in a choir, and what it's like to be part of a choir that can actually enter and do well in competitions. Ooooh, fingers crossed we'll get to that point while I'm still in uni to see it happen! :)

Hmm...

Haha, have you ever obsessed about something so much just to suddenly realize how absolutely pointless it was to? It's funny, now that I think of it, that no matter what I do now, there's one obstacle that isn't going away, even if the outcome is favorable. And this is the one obstacle I'm most afraid of...

Life is funny, isn't it? Is there such a thing as pointlessness? Or do we have to give everything a shot anyway, regardless of an almost inevitable outcome?

Something to think about.

Random Thoughts

**Warning: Super-emo post coming up!! Read at own peril :)**

I wanna know your dreams and make them mine... ~ Julio Iglesias

How often do we want to be understood yet fail to try to understand? Why is love now all about how you make me feel? We all have so much to give yet get so caught up in the taking. I want to be able to see the person, not the image. Know the man behind the mask. Laugh with him, cry with him, dream with him. Just as much as I want him to do the same with me. Not for me, with me. Being equal doesn't mean being just as good as each other at everything, at least not for me. It's about mutual recognition of the strengths and weaknesses we both have, of respect, of knowing that we both don't HAVE to be here, we choose to be. Understanding that by loving him, I give him the power to hurt me, but also realizing that I hold his heart in my hands. But if he does not want what I have to offer... loving him means letting him go so that he can find the one who really makes his heart soar. Love can be as painful as it is beautiful, yet if we really look, it is in the pain that its beauty really shines. Love me or don't, but know this: I would give you all I can and more.

Mini-Break :)

I have to take my mind off Parkinson's for awhile. The words are starting to blur together and my mind is definitely rebelling at the number of chemical names I've read in the past week. Chemistry and me never quite got along, although I always managed to somehow do right by it in the end :)

Moving on...

The past few weeks have been quite surreal. It felt good to finally be able to speak about my fears, to finally trust enough to let that part of me be seen. I'm slowly starting to realize that there's no shame in weakness, provided you don't let it hold you back. Then again, it has to be said that some fears are stronger than others, and some falls too scary to risk. For the moment, at least.

I'm taking baby steps. It isn't easy but it's... freeing. And as soon as I stop trying to measure up to other people's standards, I'll be back on track again. Here's to me sticking to my resolutions this time!

And as for the rest of it...

Now, if only that epitome of cluelessness would see fit to pull off the blinders, then maybe things'll start to get exciting around here!! ;)

Pedestals

They aren't healthy, pedestals. They dehumanize people. It doesn't matter how extraordinary someone is, they're still human. It's tough to remember that sometimes. Question is, why is it that some people have the power to hold you mesmerized? To drive out all semblance of intelligent thought and leave you with a self-inflicted psychological barrier that blocks the real you and projects a rather dull carbon copy version, instead. It's frustrating, to say the least. Especially when something happens that SHOULD knock 'em off, and you still keep pushing them back up there... Hooo boy. Always, always, asking for trouble.

...

It's funny, the way life works. Unexpected things with unexpected results... Sometimes a lot of good can come out of something that seems bleak. It doesn't pay to have a negative outlook. It's normal to worry and wonder and even feel a little down sometimes, but it doesn't really have to go beyond that in most cases. I've learned over the past few months that emotions - both positive and negative - should never be taken for granted. It's so easy to go through life saying I'm happy or mad or sad, but never actually take the time to feel those emotions. Ever had periods on in your life where there was only numbness? It's one of the most disconcerting things ever.

!~!~!~!

Drowning. Slowly. The walls I've put up are as much a prison as they are a sanctuary. I don't know how to bring them down again.

Tempting, so tempting to just allow the waters to close in on me.

It takes more, so much more than I am capable of. Maybe I once was.... Now, I would rather just walk away.