Self-rant

I wonder how some people can be so in control of their emotions... So much so that it sometimes feels like they don't have any. That's scary. But also a highly enviable position to be in.

I think I've mastered the art of disguising my feelings somewhat - I can put on a cheerful face when all I want to do is throw something at the wall and curse fate for all the insanity it keeps deciding to send my way. What I haven't managed to get a hold of, though, is how to keep those emotions at bay. The ones that creep up on you when you least expect them to and take you into a chokehold of pain so strong that you can barely breathe.

Am I being a tad melodramatic? Well, forgive me. I don't do well with pent-up anything, be it good feelings or bad. And while I've had more than my share of "good", it seems that at some point the bad must come in, and it hasn't decided to leave just yet.

Oh, I'm more than aware that allowing one's self to be hurt is 90% of the process of being hurt in the first place. However, tis easier said than done to place the blame solely at one's feet. Or maybe I'm just a coward. Huh. That'd explain a hell of a lot.

To top it off, I'm turning into someone I don't recognise.. I'm not a jealous person by nature. But lately my mind keeps heading out into forbidden territory and the ugly green monster (hey, it has my face on it after all!!! Haha :P) rears it's head. Sigh.

I want my old self back. The one who could just shrug off indifference and go about her daily business unaffected. I don't like self pity, but it seems I'm turning into the one thing I hate most - a hypocrite. Argh!

Seems this entire post is contradictory huh? Darn it all. Oh well.. just needed to rant at myself a little. Tis time I took the blame for SOME of the negative aspects of my life.