Warning: EMO!!

I'd forgotten how emotional I get, watching Fahrenheit 9/11. Really, I cry everytime I see the lives lost for so - hollow - a cause.

It's a funny thing though, emotions. For so long now, I've managed to keep myself numb to just about everything - so much so that I've been travelling through life in auto-cruise mode. I react according to expectations, not feelings. Not genuine ones, anyway.

The fact that I'm beginning to feel real emotion again scares me. I can't seem to block out the bad stuff, too. I haven't worried about anything in such a long time, but now.. POW! I worry about everything - even things that I shouldn't be worrying about!

Oh boy. I don't know which is worse. I really don't. Not feeling anything can get pretty old after awhile... You tend to feel like you're on the outside looking in, like you're not really living your life.

On the other hand, feeling isn't exactly all that great, either. The overall vulnerability of knowing that your peace of mind lies in the hands of another person really is pretty hard to take. Especially if you've spent your entire life being vulnerable to the heartache that human beings always, somehow, seem to cause each other.

Whoopers. I've managed to switch back into the sad, whiny mode that's coloured all my posts since this time last year. Sigh. I really need to start focusing on the positive in my life - and not how that positive could turn out to be not-so-positive after all!

I shouldn't listen to doubters. I should just trust in how I feel. And what my instincts are more or less screaming at me. I should. It'd make life so much easier to take if I could just allow myself to believe 100%. But that seed of doubt's been planted, and it's going to take a hell of a lot on my part to weed it out.

Oh well. As usual, I sound more depressed than I actually am.. Lol. I can't decide whether to be happy, or apprehensive, that's the problem! It's so confusing, my head literally spins everytime I try to figure it out.

I guess I'll just have to ride this one out and if it all happens to work out, fantastic. I doubt I could be any happier than I would be if it did. But if it doesn't.. I'll just have to force myself to accept the fact - just like I've always done.

Only this time, it ain't going to be as easy as it's always been. This time, it'll be the hardest thing I have ever even THOUGHT of doing in my whole, entire, life.