I can't write much right now coz I'm running out of time.. Er. That didn't sound right. I'm just using my cousins' comp, and I have to go home now, is all.
SO. A lot of things have been going on lately, not all of it good. It's been a tough month or so, and just last week my grandmother, whom I've been helping to look after a little, passed away on the 2nd of August. She was 92, so she's lived a good long life. I know that, and I also know that she's in a better place, free from all the pain and suffering that is part of this life.
However, I can't help missing her presence in my life. It feels so weird, especially since there was a time when I couldn't stand spending so much time with her. But now, I'm glad that I did. I have memories that no one else will ever have of her, and I can reassure myself that she knew I cared, right up to the end.
It's still pretty hard to accept - she's been a fixture in my life for 19 years, a constant, if you will. But now she's gone. And a whole generation with her. I never did get to learn the songs she wanted to teach me "when she got better", or her cream puffs and custards, which she was supposed to teach me to make during the holidays. A lot of wasted chances, and I guess the regrets are just starting to surface, since the fact that she's gone forever is only just starting to sink in.
Anyway, I'll end this depressing thing now. But I have absolute faith that she's happier now than she's ever been in her looong life. And I really do thank God for that.
Bye peeps.. I LOVE YOU ALL!
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About Me
- wild orchid
- I write what I feel and as such, my posts are all opinion based. Feel free to disagree -- they may seem conclusive, but this is only because it's easier to write that way :)
4 comments:
T_T Nana will be missed indeed. I know she's gone to some place better, but like you said cuz... Its different, we've lost a whole generation. And frankly, Aunty Jane telling us all those stories of how Nan took Aunty Dah and Uncle Berty and was running away from the Japs didn't help in the least.
I mean, she was that bit of history and MORE. She was our grandmother, ever sweet, caring, gentle, kind and SO loving of her family. She treasured each of us as jewels and never forgot things that mattered like birthdays and anniversaries. Its hearbreaking to read her most recent diary entries and find out so much more about her life than we knew. I feel as though I took her forgranted all the while she was here.
So true, Jono. We never really knew how much she appreciated what was done for her coz she covered it up with that caustic exterior.
But she loved us, eh? That's the hard part to take, coz despite us hardly ever being there, she loved us.
And when I think of all the times where I wanted to storm out and call her an ungrateful old lady, I'm glad I didn't. Coz she WAS grateful.. she just had a hard time showing it. Mainly coz I think she was so independent, that having to depend on somebody for everything really ate at her and made her cranky.
ALTHOUGH, I'm under no illusions that she was perfect. But I guess we gave her less credit for being human than was her due. I miss her, Jono. So so much. I didn't think I would, but now that she's gone I MISS HER!
It's only now that I'm discovering how much I really loved my nana. And I'm just so sorry that I never got to tell her that before she died.
I know... I mean, visits to KL to spend time with her weren't spent with her really. It was more the "Hi Nan" and the "Bye Nan". I wish I had spent more time with her. Yeah, I know I did spend time playing scrabble and boggle like last year, but still... Its as though its not enough.
And true that on how she loved each one although they were hardly around. She loved each of her kids especially. I remember her waiting up for Uncle Jerome to come home so he could eat. The love of a mom eh?
Then there were those times she came to Singapore to help mom look after me when Fred came about. I remember her teaching me spelling once. I must've been about what? 4 years old? But I still remember. And she always used to give us stuff, always.
Even as recently as when Ava came down. She always wanted to give money... As mom said, she hardly kept any for herself. She had RM500 when she went... Always giving, always giving. That's our Nan. And we love and miss her.
oh elaine.. i know how it is. I miss my granny too, and i think about all those wasted chances all the time. How I could have made her just that little bit more happier, na? But things are the way they are and we cant change that.
Just hang in there laine. Use this as an oppurtunity to get closer to the rest of the family like i did. Family events like this have their own silver lining. Although how much more closer can you get to your cousins I dont know. Hahaha. But you get what I mean. Take care girl.
We love you too elaine!! *hugs*
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