-n-

How do people come to terms with things in their head? I just can't seem to.. No matter how many times I run through something, list out the pros and cons and generally figure out what is best for ME, the person, I inevitably come to the same conclusion: maybe I'm not strong enough to let go, even if it's detrimental to my well-being as a whole.

I suppose I'm just being stubbornly idealistic. Or is it just that my heart knows just how much pain I'd be in if I go through with what I know I should, and it's rebelling against it with everything it's got. Sigh.. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, to quote a much overused, but sadly appropriate cliche.

So how do you weigh degrees of pain anyway? How do you know that the choice your making is the right one? And how do you come to a decision to end what could potentially be the best thing in your life, because at the moment it's what's causing the greatest damage, emotionally?

I've tried to be strong, but I'm not that strong. I can't hold on to someone that doesn't want to be held on to..

It's like a man dangling over the edge of a cliff, and all that's keeping him from falling is your grasp around his wrist. The only problem is, he isn't gripping back... and there's only so much you can do on your own. Sooner or later, that fragile hold will slip, and then what? You're left with a dreadful uncertainty...

Did you do all you could to hang on? Maybe there was some inner reserve of strength that you could've tapped into that would've made all the difference. Maybe your grip wasn't right, if only you had just held on in a different way, a different angle that would've made it harder for him to slip away...

But then the nasty thought invades the self-doubt that maybe, just maybe, he WANTED to slip away. That's why he never tried to hold on to your hand, too, even just a little.

How do you deal with a situation like this? When everything seems to close in around you and you don't know what the right choices are anymore. Because I will eventually have to make some hard choices, and I really am not at all sure that I'm up to the task.