~un dia muy triste~

Supermarkets can cause nostalgia in my world. It's really quite a hit-forehead-against-wall type thing. You would think that after almost 5 months, the memories would've faded enough so that a random trip around Jusco supermarket wouldn't jolt a recollection of buying wine and cheese with the person who taught me what love is. Apparently, though, my mind has other ideas. Now all I can do is try and keep my head above this sea of memories.. I really cannot afford to let myself drown in it. Because if I do, I surely will.

Going Under...

I feel like singing. I feel like dancing. It's a funny reaction considering that I don't have a holiday in sight from now til December (so much for not taking business subjects!). Okay, so the singing and dancing thing could be an indirect result of the pressure I'm under at the moment.

Not that pressure is a bad thing entirely.. I seem to function on it, thrive on it even. It just tends to bring out the psychotic in me, that's all :) Possibly the worst side effect, though, is that I seem to subconsciously look for ways to focus my attention on non-work related stuff....

This one happens to be completely unsuitable to fixate on. It's really quite ironic the situations I get myself into. If my life were a novel, I'd be the one consistently being stuck in relationships that go nowhere, or never even start to begin with. Mainly because I'm probably a closet commitment-phobe. Or whatever you wanna call it :P

Pity, that. For a girl who loves romance as much as I do, it's really a shame that I don't know how to be more discriminating in the guys I fall for. You'd think 21 years is enough for me to get my act together.

Hah! And the sky is pink.

Pre-Semi Final Thoughts :)

Take away the veneer and all that's left is barely concealed insecurity.

Believe me?

Haha.. I hate labels for many reasons, but the biggest one is that they prevent you from being human, with the good, the bad and the ugly all rolled into one. I will never deny myself for the sake of being liked... but at the same time, I do wish I could be liked for me.

Songs raise in me a feeling that I thought I could ignore.. I guess there are some things about me that will never change no matter how much time passes.

Boy oh boy, is THAT a relief! :)

The Sad Truth...

For all my cynicism, I just realized that I trust people way too easily. Big advocate of the benefit of the doubt.. so much so I can't imagine people having 'sinister' motives til I have no choice but to accept it. However, the flipside is, once that trust is broken, I find it very hard to stop looking for ulterior motives whenever the person does something...

I don't like being lied to. Yet I always think of the reasons the person would have for lying. Maybe because it's difficult for me to accept the fact that the person would actually want to lie to me. And maybe because facing that truth hurts too much to accept at face value.

Hm.. the interesting thing is, I never expect it to hurt so much, but sometimes, it does. Sometimes inexplicably. Or maybe I do know why, but the reason is not something I'm prepared to admit to just yet, even to myself.

On another note.. Once again I long for the wrong thing. Not only unsuitable, but also completely unattainable.

Silly, silly girl!

Of Thoughts and Toes

It's really quite funny how hard I try to be logical and rational. That's my ideal self, I think.. What I admire most in others and want most to be like.

Haha.

Unfortunately, what I end up as is a strange cross between the romantic dreamer and down-to-earth realist. It certainly makes for highly uncomfortable situations!

Even worse, it makes me seem indecisive, because as soon as I'm confronted with an emotional situation, my sentimental side kicks in and while rational thought is still there, it becomes harder to access and I end up making less sense than I would have had I been able to present my arguments in a more objective environment.

Sigh. That, folks, has been the bane of my existence. My complete and utter inability to communicate rational thought when faced with an emotional situation.. that involves me, of course. With others, I'm perfectly capable of being rational.. almost clinical in the way I think and approach the situation. With myself, though, I fly around more blindly than a bat with cataracts.

On a slightly more silly note, I found out today that I'm probably one of the few people capable of stubbing their toes three times on the same flight of stairs. Clumsiness, anyone? :D

Una Nota de La Noche

El Orfanato es una pelicula muy triste! Me he llorado mucho! :(

The movie was in Spanish, so I kinda had to write that in the same language.. How gratifying that I actually can! The Orphanage, it's called in English. I highly recommend it.

How odd that we sometimes do things so automatically that when we suddenly realize we're doing it, it just seems so bizarre.. Even though we've been doing it for ages.

What am I talking about? Oh, I only just noticed tonight my complete inability to pour milk from a newly opened carton into a cup of coffee without spilling anything. It's actually quite hilarious. Although not very surprising seeing as I'm the girl who consistently burns her fingers making toast.

It's red-hot passion on the football field tonight, folks! The Spanish versus the Italians.. how much more sizzling can a football match get? ;)

Viva España!!!

D'oh.

Just a quickie for now...

One small piece of advice, people... Never watch a horror movie with headphones on.

Have a pleasant night!

*shivers*

IS-ers! This is for YOU! :)

As I was attempting to cut up apples for a potato salad (which I promise you, tastes a lot better than it looks!), I was thinking about a conversation I had last night with friends... and I realized something:

Sometimes we have to lose in order to gain.

And I think that is true for friendship, too. People I used to consider friends slowly drifted away and while that saddened me, I now realize just how much more I have gained as a result. Friends who know me and love me, no matter what I do. And really, what more can anyone ask for than people who genuinely care for you?

I'd give up partying and being "cool" anyday for the group of friends I have. What's more, some people are fortunate to have even one good friend in their lives... I have the blessing of four. (Not to mention cousins who are absolutely phenomenal in their own right, too :P).

So, no, I will no longer be sad for friendships lost, because the ones I found in the process are worth a million times more than gold :)


Ju Li, my best friend .. Goes by Jules, Julieto, JujuLili, Jujubes, Jubujubu.. (She will kill me for this, but I'm pretty sure she loves me anyway! Aye, Jubes? ;P)


With La Drama Queen - Ms. Davina Padman herself! Performer extraordinaire! Sensitive soul, great friend. And always, always there when you need her :)


My JenJen! The Queen, Shakespeare V.2, Baileys kaki.. And someone whose friendship I never want to lose :)


Us - the Insanely Saners, including Ee May, though I don't have a newer picture of her :( This was taken in 2004. It's amazing that 4 years on, in spite of living in different countries, it's like no time at all has passed when we're together again. That's magical, and so rare that I am feeling so grateful right now to have such wonderful, strong women to call friends - in the very truest sense of the word!

It's Flying!!!

As I get older, I feel time passing more acutely, and it seems to be moving faster and faster all the time. Already we're adults, embarking on a whole new journey, a lot of it still unknown but we will inevitably pass through the various landmarks that will guide us into adulthood. Getting a degree, finding a job, settling down - alone or with a partner, for some, having children... And then we watch those in the generation above us wind down, their cycle of life slowly being replaced by our own, just as our children will slowly replace ours...

It's a depressing thought, this. The thought of the whole structure of your life changing over the course of a few years is daunting, to say the least. And the prospect of starting to lose the people you love... That is even scarier.

I guess all those who say that we need to make the most of the now have a point. Time is short. We're not given much of it, so why not make the most of what we're given? Relationships are more important than the chase for money, and family is more important than any idealistic ideas about love. Prioritizing should begin now, not later when partying isn't fun anymore...

Mm.. Should start subscribing to the "tomorrow may be too late" school of thought and keep that in mind always. I have a feeling I will regret less that way!

PS: Thursday was a rather strange day for me... In fact, I learned that sometimes when you look too hard for something, you may miss it because while you're so busy looking everywhere else, what you're looking for passes right under your nose and you don't even realize it.

Randomness on the Bus

Random observations I made while on the bus today. Key word is random. :)

1. I like baju kurungs. They’re feminine and really pretty (well, those that don’t look like table cloths from hell). Only problem with them is… It’s practically impossible to tell who’s pregnant and who’s just on the, um, heavier side. Which makes for quite a weird situation when you’re on public transport – you risk either being an inconsiderate oaf (if you think she’s heavy when she’s really pregnant), or seriously offending her (if you think she’s pregnant when she’s really heavy). Dilemma anyone?


2. It’s funny how you don’t have to tell barristas that you want whipped cream on your Extreme Buzz ice-blended. The male ones, at least. The male ones who make it a point to be at the cashier when you order said drink. :D


3. It’s also funny how failure to plan occurs across the board. Thing I hate about this is that sometimes failure to plan doesn’t just affect you. Other people may be involved, and frankly, that just isn’t right.


4. I wonder why some women can’t grow old gracefully. Wearing a triple-layer cake of make up on your face, bright yellow t-shirts and tight jeans aren’t going to change the fact that you’re not 20 anymore. But more power to them for not conforming to the typical “let’s get our hair permed every week” norm of that generation, I guess.

That's it. I'm sure I had more, but I can't remember them now. Sigh. Should make it a point to write all this stuff down as they come.

Will write more soon.. when I can figure out how to write my secrets in Spanish! ;)

Sick Cycle Carousel

When will this end, it goes on and on
Over, and over, and over again.
Keep spinning around I know it won't stop,
Till I step down from this..

Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle carousel, yeah

I think this song sums up the way my life tends to go...

I think that maybe we all mature at different paces in different aspects of our lives. Maybe I'm not ready to handle certain parts of mine...

Whatever the case, I sense a humongous bit of deja vu coming along soon and I don't know how to prevent it.

Or maybe I do. Growing up would possibly be the option to choose.

Much much easier said than done, though!

Musings...

When I was younger, I dreamed about forever. Now, my dreams are coloured by the knowledge that life never really does turn out like we want it to.

As much as I want to dream, I can't help thinking ten steps ahead. Relationships can't be based on feelings alone. I'm no longer naive enough to believe that "love will find a way"...

You can't imagine the conflict that causes me. Being idealistic at heart, having to be realistic doesn't sit very well with me. And I don't know what to do with that realism... So much so I end up handling everything all wrong.

How do I communicate my worries without seeming defeatist? And how do I reconcile my feelings with the way I see things to be?

Sometimes cynicism is safer. You hurt less if you don't expect too much. And God help me, I'm expecting far more than I know to good for me and at the same time can't see how it'll all pan out!

Confusion, much? Sigh.