Unable to Think of Suitable Title :)

I'm exhausted. More than I've been in a very long time. A big part of it is mental, I think. That and the fact that it's slowly starting to dawn on me that I'm not going to be having anything remotely resembling a proper rest til December. Whoopdedoo.

My fault, really. I shouldn't have tried to squeeze so many things into this hols - although in my defense, one part was completely unintentional. The worst part is I don't have the energy at the end of the day to do much more than have a shower, check my email (on an extremely slow dial-up modem) and crash. So my plans for actually doing some constructive reading have been somewhat stunted - haven't been able to do all I planned to do this holidays (partially the fault of TMNet.. no Streamyx = too long to download journals - if I actually manage to sign in at all). On the bright side, I did finish the few books I intended to, so that's a bonus...

I don't know why I'm rambling on about all this stuff. I just feel like writing, I guess. I've always found it therapeutic to give my fingers free rein... although maybe the final result may not be anything worth reading :) I don't mind actually ... it'll give me something to laughingly cringe about in a few days, months, years...

Breathless by Shayne Ward has been blasting in my head for days now, annoying the hell out of me. "If we had babies they would have your eyes.. I would fall deeper watching you give life.." Well. I have gotta say - this song may probably hold some appeal for me when I'm in my late 20s or summat, but I tell ya - if someone sang that to me at this point in time, incredulous laughter would be the kindest reaction I can think of. So.. it's a potentially romantic song. For some. I think. And what is it with Brit males who sing in falsetto and life partners? Daniel Bedingfield sang a similarly creepy line in If You're Not The One... ".. then why do I dream of you - as my wife?" Um. Wooh. Nice.

Moving on to another Brit who has had a starring role in my mental jukebox lately - James Blunt. Only one song though, and thank GOD it's the only song by him that I like - Carry You Home. And as tribute to the fact that it's the only song in my mental jukebox currently that doesn't make me wish I had a mental off button as well, I shall post my favourite verse and the chorus. Rather fitting lyrics, actually.. Fitting what, though, will be knowledge for my mental knowledge bank only. Whatever a mental knowledge bank is. Goodnight all!

If she had wings she would fly away
And another day god will give her some
Trouble is the only way is down,down,down

As strong as you were
Tender you go
I'm watching you breathing for the last time
A song for your heart
But when it is quiet
I know what it means
I'll carry you home
I'll carry you home

Choirs and Angels :)

There are no words to describe how excited I am to be singing in a choir again :) There really are few things I enjoy more than that (as all my high school friends can readily attest to :P). Learning the score, fitting in the different parts, getting harmonies mixed up and having to relearn it, screwing up timing and having to start from scratch... All those make the experience all that much more interesting, annoying though they may appear to be.

But the crown jewel of it all has to be when finally, everything falls into place and everyone knows their part and are singing together in (almost! :P) perfect harmony. When what you hear is close enough to what you imagine it should sound like. When weeks of hard work all culminate into a masterpiece of sound.... Ah! There are very few things that stir the soul quite like human voices raised together in song :)

Well, in-tune song :P I do have my minor idiosyncracies and out-of-tune choirs/groups get to me almost as much as people who do vocal acrobatics without really having the ability to do it (I mean just those people who actually think they're good at it when they're not).

On another more random note - I just watched City of Angels, after years of wondering what it was about... And of course, ended up crying at how it all played out. I have to say that I can agree with his sentiment at the end - that having those few special moments with someone you truly love is worth all the pain that could potentially follow.

And I fell in love with Iris all over again.. It seems like my love affair with love songs of this sort will never end :)

Reminiscing...

What we had together was completely unexpected and yet so beautiful that even now I can't help wishing that it could have lasted. But I realize that I still love him, even though the capacity is no longer the same. And that I love him for more than what he's able to give me ... I love him for who he is, a man that I trust and respect, whom I'm comfortable with and whom I understand almost as well as he understands me. A man whom I can only see getting better with age and maturity. I can simply look at him and be happy that he's happy. And smile wistfully while the thought crosses my mind that it'd be a lucky woman who one day captures his heart. Although the memory of what we had still makes me feel like I've lost something very special, I'm still happy I have that much - and that the respect and affection I feel for him is mutual. But most of all I'm glad that he came into my life... because now I finally know what it means to love a man unconditionally :)

Just a Short Musing..

It hit me only recently just how different we are - especially in the way we approach the different facets of life. At first, I suppose that was part of the attraction, part of the initial appeal - that he had what I longed to have. But it's slowly dawning on me that if he intimidates me just by being who he is, no matter what happens, I won't be happy. Which is, quite frankly, a ridiculous way to live. It's difficult to remember your strengths when you're faced with a strong embodiment of your weaknesses.. and even harder to face those weaknesses when that embodiment happens to be one you respect and admire. So all things considered, I'm glad I gave myself a well-deserved kick in the rear. Sure will work to save my sanity in the long run. At least until I can be sure enough of who I am to face down that kind of certainty.

And if I have not made a lick of sense, forgive me. I shall endeavour to write something more coherent in the near future. :P

And So It Ends..

If the notion of Freudian slips is true, then my making one of the biggest ones of my life has led to my also being able to observe how quickly the mind works to reduce the dissonance…

Because of that single slip, I am now ready to close the door on that particular dusty little corner of my life. To leave this story unfinished, just as I have with every story I’ve ever written (save one).

My pride will not let me stoop any lower than I already have… and my mind has finally gotten through to my heart – it is not supposed to be like this. I am reminded of a promise I made to myself a long time ago – and this time, I intend to keep it.

-in the internet cafe-

Mm. It's been a long time since I've been blindsided by something that shouldn't really matter to me. Even though I'm probably reading way too much into the situation, I have to say - it's one of the biggest "ouches" I've experienced in a long, long time. That's what happens when you put too much stock into someone's opinion, I suppose...

It's funny how I get random flashes of how much I love the people in my life. I may not be the best at initiating contact, but I would go out of my way to meet them (barring parental disapproval, of course). I miss my cousins, I miss my friends - both high school and uni - and I miss my mum!!! A week without her is very lonely. I've probably just gotten too used to having someone to rant to in the evenings, and laugh with about random things that happened during the day... I'm just one of those really blessed children who have parents that can alternate smoothly between being a parent and a friend. And I have to say it again - I miss my mummy!! :'(

Strange how you can still feel like a child at 21... Parents do tend to have that effect, huh? :)

Short thought..

The song going through my mind right now is In My Life from the musical Les Miserables.

Every word that he says is a dagger in me...

Mm. So true, that line. But I get the feeling I'm gonna be bouncing back from the temporary melancholy that's set in soon enough. Seem to be growing more resilient in my old age.. :)

Off The Top Of My Head!

We're so bored! La Veina's actually playing some weird flower game thing next to me. I'm trying to think of emofied songs to sing so I can make myself all melancholic. Ya huh! That's how bored we are. Sigh. I just don't feel like driving home! Why is Klang so far away? It sucks. Oooh. Westlife rocks. I can't believe the World Of Our Own album came out 7 years ago. I feel very old, atm. But I still love the songs. Esp If Your Heart's Not In It. Very very true song. Don't know why people cling on to unhappy relationships. Life has so much more to offer.. but then again, it's true that it sucks to be lonely. Which is why we need friends! Friends who offer very strange advice at times, but still .. at least they care enough to offer advice. Hehe. Quite funny too. We're gonna make erupting volcanoes with Diet Coke and Mentos for the kids. Cool huh? Science experiments that make messes are always tons of fun. May not endear us to the supervisors, though. Wheeee. This is a way cool example of free writing. No thought involved. Well, not conscious anyways. I think. I'm not sure how that works exactly. If you've managed to read this far without getting a headache, I totally salute you. Oh btw, psychology is NOT a dead-end field. Some people should really straighten out that particular misconception. It's getting extremely annoying. Estoy muy aburrida! Quiero a dormir ahora :( Goodbye people. Gotta leave soon to avoid potential trouble in KL due to the arrest of Anwar. How very stupid. Ciao bellas!

-boredom central-

Guess where I am now, folks?

Yup, you got it! In the computer lab in uni. Again.

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That's what I feel like doing. That and tearing my hair out. Internet's been wonky all the way since the Friday before last - with only two days of connectivity in over a week! Now apparently the fibre optic cable in my area's down (a fact which they neglected to inform me of after I called them three *tooting* times!) and will only be repaired by tomorrow. Info which I take with an oceanful of salt, I might add.

On another note - doesn't the government have better things to do than cause more trouble by arresting Anwar? Seriously, do they actually think doing stuff like that's gonna endear them to the average Malaysian? Hm... Sometimes, you just gotta wonder!

Et tu, Brute?

I've switched back to my original template... Apparently this blue blog is my "trademark" :) Can't very well mess with trademarks can I?

A few things I found out over the past few days:

1. I am not a top student (revealed by Khing Ju Li)
2. I am not hot (revealed by Khing Ju Li)
3. I am not up to standard for guys (revealed by Khing Ju Li)
4. I am not a woman in general (revealed by Khing Ju Li)

Who is Khing Ju Li, you might ask..

Apparently, she and my darling best friend are one and the same person. Yes, exactly. MY BEST FRIEND!

OUCH doesn't even begin to cover it *sobs imaginary eyes out* She has stripped me of all identity! I shall never be the same again!

Jujubes, I demand a night out at Red/Green Box to make it up to me! *snickers wickedly* You be so in for it now! :D

Notice!

I have decided to conform and change my blog template.. What it'll be, I don't know yet.. currently in the process of choosing one :)

On a sadder note - this is what I have been reduced to when there are no exams or things to study for.

*SOBS*

Observations.. Oh Observations! :) :) :)

Sitting in the computer lab in uni at the moment.. The things we do to stave off boredom. Next door a TOTALLY hot lecturer is giving lessons on gaming. Great eye candy! Any man who can look good in pale green has gotta be a hottie. That's my theory of hotness anyway! Er.. well, one of them. Hehe.

What a SUPER CHUN ending to a dull day.

Wheeee! :D

Strange, Strange Day..

I have never felt like screaming so badly before.

Today has got to be one of the strangest days of my life. I've never actually felt so out of control of my body before. My mind worked fine when it was supposed to, but it felt like physically, everything was shutting down on me.

I don't know what it was in reaction to.. I just know that it was one of the scariest feelings ever. Didn't help that I had to sit for a stats exam while feeling like I was choking from the inside. I'm all right now, though. I just thought the whole experience was weird.. very, very weird.

Hm.. and I'm beginning to notice a pattern elsewhere, too. It's like some warped unspoken agreement that acknowledging existence would be - simply put - just too strange to actually attempt. At least for now.

Funny how I tend to agree with that sentiment. Sometimes dreams are just meant to remain dreams...

Now to bed! Tomorrow is another looong day.

Per-random-an :)

Gosh, I will never change! At least not with regards to blogging like a maniac during exam times. I always do this! Always! Even when I was writing Facebook notes, the trend still remained...

Could be that this my way of offloading all the random thoughts that distract me from studying. But you would think that taking time off to write would be more detrimental to my eductional well-being. Hmph. Why oh why can't I be more normal!!!!!

Oooh. Been listening to Lucie Silva's What You're Made Of again and realized, not for the first time, how many parallels there are to the last time this happened. Except this time there are similarities. And according to my textbook, similarities are good when you want to be attracted to something. But not so good when you don't want to be. Because our need for balance apparently will draw us to the object who happens to have similar attitudes, interests, beliefs, etc.

[Why am I thinking in social psych terms again? The exam's over, woman!! Get a grip!]

I notice I've been calling everyone with the XX chromosome "woman" lately. It's all Ryan's fault. Really. It is!

My laptop may need to be reformatted.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! :(

My poor baby *sniffles*

Frustration!

Beauty really does lie in the eye of the beholder!

I can testify to that, seeing as I have no other justification for the things I've been up to lately. The thoughts I've been thinking..

Haha, no it hasn't really gotten quite to THAT extent. Of course, some very vivid descriptions of the fact totally put me off daydreaming about it *glares at Lee* Hmph. I can't even indulge in random fantasies, because now, I have weird images of my best uni friend sticking her tongue out at me everytime I try!

If that isn't as effective as a bucket of cold water, I really don't know what is!

It is SO frustrating to sit here, though, aware of what he wants, yet never being able to be it. Wanting to cry, "Just look, and you'll see..." But no. Time's taught me not to be so impulsive. Not to do anything to alter the course that seems set. If it happens, it happens, with absolutely no prodding from me....

Well. Okay. Not absolutely none. Minimal, though. I promise!!!

What, don't believe me?

Ah well.. I think most of you never do when it comes to me and this sorta thing. Can't really say I blame you! Don't actually trust myself sometimes. Is that bad?

Yea, it probably is.

Poor Laine.. Bwocked!!!

It's just as well that I wiped out my previous post. I haven't been able to write anything decent for AGES. And it's seriously starting to bug me.

Meh.

Okay, maybe not as much as a "meh" would suggest, but still.. More than is rationally warranted, I think! It's what happens when you grow old and mature and lose all sense of fun. And the ability to mold random observations into witty anecdotes.

Oooh. The surprise party Priya's family threw for her was a right success! :) Although I gotta say, for all my Indian blood I sure can't dance like an Indian *looks mournful* Best I can do is bounce. All that hip action is a bit much for me.. Not that I don't want to do it - my hips refuse to obey, even direct orders!

But I'm still ambitious enough to want to try Latin dancing. Haha! Although, it really isn't much fun without someone to dance with... Ooh. Doesn't matter. Maybe if I actually get around to signing up for a class, there'll be a really hot Latino dude there willing to be my partner *grins*

Hehe. Well, a girl can always hope! :D

A perfect example of how true friendship can withstand the test of time! :)

Music and Lyrics! Hee.

I'm listening to Amazed by Lonestar at the moment, allowing myself to melt at the lyrics... It's no wonder that I get myself into the situations I do. It's this idealistic view of love that has me plunging headlong into what is increasingly becoming familiarly treacherous territory!

But I can't help it. I can't help drowning in soaring melodies and haunting lyrics. I can't keep the music from seeping into my soul and carrying me off with it into the incredibly exciting but horribly unrealistic world of my daydreams.

There are days when I can almost see him, others when all I know is that there's someone there, lurking in the shadows, but as yet, I cannot see him. And in spite of the songs, in spite of the persistent tug of my heart whenever a song like My Confession comes on, I am glad that as yet, he's merely a shadow...

I keep being reminded just how much of life I have left to live. God willing, that is. Love is wonderful and I do wish I had it in my grasp... But at the same time I know that if I don't live my life to the fullest now - when will I ever get the chance to experience all life has to offer without the hindrance of major responsibilities?

Mm. Damn, my blog's getting all growed up. I think after this I shall retreat into my nonsensical self and start being random again. I'm giving myself a headache, being so grown up all the time! :)

Je Suis En Vie!

It seems like life has a funny way of coming full circle. It was barely three years ago when I got entangled in almost exactly the same situation.. It almost makes me want to laugh out loud at the absurdity of it all.

But now.. it doesn't seem to matter so much anymore that he doesn't know. It doesn't matter so much anymore that he doesn't care. In spite of my natural inclination to become melancholic, this time I find that I can hold my head up and smile. I think I'm finally realizing that life has so much more to offer than dreams.

And just because something seems special now, will not make it so a few days, weeks or months down the line. Sure, it isn't the most pleasant feeling to realize that feelings aren't reciprocated. But at the same time, it really isn't the end of the world.

I've never felt more alive in my life than I do at this moment, as I listen to My Confession (current obsession!) and rid myself of the cynicism that made me react the way I did when I first found out... Self-worth is hard to come by, but there's a lot to be said for it! Every time something like this happens, I learn a bit more about myself, about how strong I can be...

And I'm quite pleasantly surprised that I'm learning to deal with the fallout of falling for someone I knew all along I would never stand a chance with, with a lot more maturity than I once thought myself capable of!

It's really very funny, but I do think I'm finally growing up! :)

little letters

it's fun to fall in love. to feel the wonder that comes with new discoveries. to have someone to dream about at night and think about during the day. to giggle about him with friends. to wait with eagerness for news. to wonder how his day went and if he's having fun. to have even the smallest things remind you of him. it's fun to fall in love. risking pride and sanity for the sake of that amazing feeling that envelopes you if that love is returned in kind. oh, the moment when it all falls into place! that one moment.. that's all it takes. and life is never the same again.

(optimistic post today ... much needed perspective! :P)

In The Silence...

I love staying up into the wee hours of the morning. The house is still and I can be alone with my thoughts. It is in these hours that I can lose myself in music, think about past events, envision the future...

My life is a lot less complex than I make it seem. I just love dramatising things. To live in a world where every moment is significant, every thing observed holds some special meaning.. It is why I love making random observations. It is why I love writing what I feel, good or bad.

Life is so much more than getting through the day unscathed. To open your eyes to the little things, to see the beauty in the bleakest of days, to find humor in the darkest hours... These things make my life so much more than I portray it to be.

Yes, I lose myself too often in memories, it seems... But then, I only write of those because I need to get them out of my head and into the open so my mind is once again free and open to the new. I rarely speak of my dreams these days because I know how fleeting they are, how easily they can change.

But within the confines of my imagination, I treasure them. When my world appears desolate, they comfort me in ways even the most understanding voice cannot. They give me something to live for, and really - what is life without at least that much?

Now, half-asleep, I dream of a nameless face.. for once nameless, and not faceless :) I'm not as ensconced in the daydream of the unobtainable someone as some of my friends seem to think I am. My heart is still free to explore, and that is what I shall do, for the first time in my life.