Mama

The past two weeks have been among the worst weeks I've ever been through, and yet not so.

Two weeks ago, we found out that Mama was terminally ill. For weeks the doctor had been putting her loss of weight and continuous coughs down to thyroid and weak lungs. And then she went for a scan.. and they found she had lung cancer. Further tests confirmed that it had spread from her liver.

You can imagine how stunned we were. It hadn't been 2 weeks since she was on her feet cooking otak-otak for us and she'd just been on holiday in Australia couple of months before and she seemed just fine. As fine as any average 80-year-old lady could be, that is. Not a single one of us ever thought she would have cancer. And in such advanced stages, at that.

But from that time on, it was downhill all the way. Within a week she became almost skeletal, and could hardly talk. She didn't have the strength to eat either, and her cough was heart-rending to hear.

That same weekend, she was admitted in SJMC. She progressively got weaker, and it was torture to see her struggle. She couldn't clear the phlegm herself and the doctors were reluctant to use a tube as it would have been very uncomfortable for her. Plus she was diabetic, and that complicated matters. It wasn't long before her breathing became loud and noisy... So loud that we could hear her from the elevator when her room was one of the furthest from the lifts.

(I only just found out that it is actually an indication that the person respiratory system is failing.. It's also known as the "death rattle").

That was when the doctors said she didn't have long to live.

While we were all in shock, I am and will always be, proud of the way the whole family pulled together. We developed a timetable and there was never a time when there were less than 3 people at her side.

We fed her a solution that would keep her sugar level stable, helped her clear the phlegm that she couldn't spit out due to the fact that she was so weak, massaged her arms and legs to improve circulation, and kept a 24 hour vigil at her bedside.

She saw every single one of her children and grandchildren before she died. All 10 and 21 of us. I will never forget the moment she died... She came out of her coma just long enough to look around at us all and breathed her last. It is a consolation, though, to know that the last thing she saw was the faces of all those who loved her and cared for her right up to the end.

There is also consolation in the thought that she received Christ as her Lord before she passed on. It is comforting to know that she is now safe in the arms of her Maker.

It's been 3 days now since she was buried. The shock hasn't quite abated and I don't think I've accepted it yet. It's hard to imagine life without her. She was a central part of our family... Almost every family activity revolved around her.

All of us will miss her, I have no doubts on that account. She loved us in her own way, and showed us in every way she could. She was the typical old school sort of grandmother... Not one to show much affection. But I am convinced that she did all she did for us out of love and I will always treasure those memories.

Mama we love you. We may not always have been obedient or particularly patient with your ways and opinions, but we DO know that all you said and did was because you cared.

I know we will meet again.. and I cannot wait for the day when I get to hear the rare laugh that so often brought joy to us all when we were blessed enough to hear it.

Rest In Peace, Mama.
~ 3rd July 2004 ~