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I have had considerable time to think about something, seeing as my weekend was spent mostly in bed, trying to read. In the afternoon, at least. Now, it's nothing all that profound, so don't be expecting some mind-blowing philosophications.

So, something that happened on Saturday morning left me feeling all weird. For some reason, I found myself thinking about my past, er.. relationships. And analyzing them. And I found out a couple of things that I hadn't noticed before, with all my feministic (is that even a word? *grins*) feminisim-ish girl power-ish ideas.

I have just discovered that I am considerably old fashioned. I'd like the guy to take charge most of the time, instead of waiting for ME to do or say something. Be uh... what's another word for "masterful"? Something less connected to the.. uh.. nevermind.

Now, before I get screams of horror from my fellow Insanely Saners, hear me out.

I'm not saying that I'll take crap from the guy. Just the opposite, in fact. And I am definitely NOT saying that I'll let him control my life, or dictate what I can or cannot do. The minute he tries, his ass is out the door. Scout's honour. Or whatever honour you wanna choose.

All I want is for the guy to... well... act like a guy. Take the initiative. I don't want to dig stuff out. I don't want to be the one to start something. I want to be the GIRL for once, y'know? Instead of constantly having to deal with fragile egos and having to hint at what I want for him to think of it.

I wanna be pampered and protected and.. Well. Hm. Basically the total opposite of what I've been doing for the past 5 years la. I need a change of scene. The chance to be the "weaker" party for once. But I draw the line at being a girly-girl damsel in distress. My old fashioned-ness only goes so far.

But what's the likelihood of me finding such a guy huh? Sigh. One who'll just come out and TELL me if he likes me. None of my ex-es ever told me directly that they liked me. As in, I didn't find out from them first. I always found out from someone else before they finally told me. After a considerably long length of time, during which they'd hint and hint and hint and I always felt like, "Just SAY IT!"

Sigh. Is it too much to ask for a guy to make a girl feel like a girl? Maybe I should've grown up more feminine and girly and ... ah no. I like myself the way I am right now. But I don't know. It's no fun being intimidating to guys, especially the ones you like.

ANYWAY. This whole post has depressed me even more. Pah. Annoyingnyerr.

I shall not think about this anymore. Really. At least, I hope really.

I really really do.

PS: Ju just called me a lovesick idiot. And maybe I am. Sigh. Not good.