"And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go..
Our lives are better left to chance
I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance..."
When you love someone, you give a part of yourself away. A part that you will never really ever get back. Life goes on as usual, and new experiences come, some that almost help you forget. Almost. But when the days grow long, and fatigue sets in, and you no longer have the strength to hold it all at bay, everything crashes in on you and it's all you can do to keep from drowning in not just grief, but a chasm of emptiness that just seems to grow the longer it stays on your mind. And you wish you could reach across space and time and turn back the clock. To a time of smiles and laughter, of tender moments, of arguments and make ups, of a deep sharing of mind to mind, soul to soul. But you know that can never be. Just that knowledge itself is like the twist of a knife, right through the heart. A vise that grips and never quite eases its hold. So much was right, but in the end, it only takes one wrong. One.
He taught me to believe in love. He showed me in so many simple ways, what it means to love. Many may be skeptical, but what we had was more real than anything else I have ever encountered across the years. I made so many mistakes, so did he, but in the end it wasn't the mistakes that brought us down. Fundamental beliefs that run too deep to compromise... In the end, it came down to that. But that doesn't negate in any way what we had between us. I miss him, every day. Even now, I cannot bear to picture his smile, for fear the flimsy walls I've managed to construct will cave and there will no longer be anything standing between me and the flood of grief.
I will never forget him. Even when I've managed to lay the memories to rest, he will always be in my heart. The first and only man I ever loved. And though over time, the nature of it may change, I know that I will always love him. Always.
3 comments:
There is no such thing as beliefs (which, I presume, stems on both sides from love and compassion) that cannot find compromise where love is concerned - clearly, it's a simple matter of egos failing to budge. Where this is the case, the question lingers: is it really love, or simply attachment?
Where love exists, compromise is found. It's very simple: what am I prepared to do for the other? If there is nothing, regardless of what is being considered, it's not true love. Even Jesus "broke the rule" on the Sabbath because He knew love and compassion are above all things.
Theres nothing that destroys the heart more than realising you've let some opportunity go. It's like watching love films - we'd scream at the characters if they were as stupid as real people are when it comes to love. Whatever the issue sometimes the head has too much say over the heart, but only the heart ever breaks. It m,ight heal again, but we only have this life - why are you letting go of something that so clearly matter more to you than - it would seem - everything else?
Elaine, i was also hurt when relationship with the first girl i ever truly loved ended. i feel much empathy for you and sympathy too. i think you will see my email address after i sign in, feel free to write me. Best always, Paul
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