Per-random-an :)

Gosh, I will never change! At least not with regards to blogging like a maniac during exam times. I always do this! Always! Even when I was writing Facebook notes, the trend still remained...

Could be that this my way of offloading all the random thoughts that distract me from studying. But you would think that taking time off to write would be more detrimental to my eductional well-being. Hmph. Why oh why can't I be more normal!!!!!

Oooh. Been listening to Lucie Silva's What You're Made Of again and realized, not for the first time, how many parallels there are to the last time this happened. Except this time there are similarities. And according to my textbook, similarities are good when you want to be attracted to something. But not so good when you don't want to be. Because our need for balance apparently will draw us to the object who happens to have similar attitudes, interests, beliefs, etc.

[Why am I thinking in social psych terms again? The exam's over, woman!! Get a grip!]

I notice I've been calling everyone with the XX chromosome "woman" lately. It's all Ryan's fault. Really. It is!

My laptop may need to be reformatted.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! :(

My poor baby *sniffles*

Frustration!

Beauty really does lie in the eye of the beholder!

I can testify to that, seeing as I have no other justification for the things I've been up to lately. The thoughts I've been thinking..

Haha, no it hasn't really gotten quite to THAT extent. Of course, some very vivid descriptions of the fact totally put me off daydreaming about it *glares at Lee* Hmph. I can't even indulge in random fantasies, because now, I have weird images of my best uni friend sticking her tongue out at me everytime I try!

If that isn't as effective as a bucket of cold water, I really don't know what is!

It is SO frustrating to sit here, though, aware of what he wants, yet never being able to be it. Wanting to cry, "Just look, and you'll see..." But no. Time's taught me not to be so impulsive. Not to do anything to alter the course that seems set. If it happens, it happens, with absolutely no prodding from me....

Well. Okay. Not absolutely none. Minimal, though. I promise!!!

What, don't believe me?

Ah well.. I think most of you never do when it comes to me and this sorta thing. Can't really say I blame you! Don't actually trust myself sometimes. Is that bad?

Yea, it probably is.

Poor Laine.. Bwocked!!!

It's just as well that I wiped out my previous post. I haven't been able to write anything decent for AGES. And it's seriously starting to bug me.

Meh.

Okay, maybe not as much as a "meh" would suggest, but still.. More than is rationally warranted, I think! It's what happens when you grow old and mature and lose all sense of fun. And the ability to mold random observations into witty anecdotes.

Oooh. The surprise party Priya's family threw for her was a right success! :) Although I gotta say, for all my Indian blood I sure can't dance like an Indian *looks mournful* Best I can do is bounce. All that hip action is a bit much for me.. Not that I don't want to do it - my hips refuse to obey, even direct orders!

But I'm still ambitious enough to want to try Latin dancing. Haha! Although, it really isn't much fun without someone to dance with... Ooh. Doesn't matter. Maybe if I actually get around to signing up for a class, there'll be a really hot Latino dude there willing to be my partner *grins*

Hehe. Well, a girl can always hope! :D

A perfect example of how true friendship can withstand the test of time! :)

Music and Lyrics! Hee.

I'm listening to Amazed by Lonestar at the moment, allowing myself to melt at the lyrics... It's no wonder that I get myself into the situations I do. It's this idealistic view of love that has me plunging headlong into what is increasingly becoming familiarly treacherous territory!

But I can't help it. I can't help drowning in soaring melodies and haunting lyrics. I can't keep the music from seeping into my soul and carrying me off with it into the incredibly exciting but horribly unrealistic world of my daydreams.

There are days when I can almost see him, others when all I know is that there's someone there, lurking in the shadows, but as yet, I cannot see him. And in spite of the songs, in spite of the persistent tug of my heart whenever a song like My Confession comes on, I am glad that as yet, he's merely a shadow...

I keep being reminded just how much of life I have left to live. God willing, that is. Love is wonderful and I do wish I had it in my grasp... But at the same time I know that if I don't live my life to the fullest now - when will I ever get the chance to experience all life has to offer without the hindrance of major responsibilities?

Mm. Damn, my blog's getting all growed up. I think after this I shall retreat into my nonsensical self and start being random again. I'm giving myself a headache, being so grown up all the time! :)

Je Suis En Vie!

It seems like life has a funny way of coming full circle. It was barely three years ago when I got entangled in almost exactly the same situation.. It almost makes me want to laugh out loud at the absurdity of it all.

But now.. it doesn't seem to matter so much anymore that he doesn't know. It doesn't matter so much anymore that he doesn't care. In spite of my natural inclination to become melancholic, this time I find that I can hold my head up and smile. I think I'm finally realizing that life has so much more to offer than dreams.

And just because something seems special now, will not make it so a few days, weeks or months down the line. Sure, it isn't the most pleasant feeling to realize that feelings aren't reciprocated. But at the same time, it really isn't the end of the world.

I've never felt more alive in my life than I do at this moment, as I listen to My Confession (current obsession!) and rid myself of the cynicism that made me react the way I did when I first found out... Self-worth is hard to come by, but there's a lot to be said for it! Every time something like this happens, I learn a bit more about myself, about how strong I can be...

And I'm quite pleasantly surprised that I'm learning to deal with the fallout of falling for someone I knew all along I would never stand a chance with, with a lot more maturity than I once thought myself capable of!

It's really very funny, but I do think I'm finally growing up! :)

little letters

it's fun to fall in love. to feel the wonder that comes with new discoveries. to have someone to dream about at night and think about during the day. to giggle about him with friends. to wait with eagerness for news. to wonder how his day went and if he's having fun. to have even the smallest things remind you of him. it's fun to fall in love. risking pride and sanity for the sake of that amazing feeling that envelopes you if that love is returned in kind. oh, the moment when it all falls into place! that one moment.. that's all it takes. and life is never the same again.

(optimistic post today ... much needed perspective! :P)

In The Silence...

I love staying up into the wee hours of the morning. The house is still and I can be alone with my thoughts. It is in these hours that I can lose myself in music, think about past events, envision the future...

My life is a lot less complex than I make it seem. I just love dramatising things. To live in a world where every moment is significant, every thing observed holds some special meaning.. It is why I love making random observations. It is why I love writing what I feel, good or bad.

Life is so much more than getting through the day unscathed. To open your eyes to the little things, to see the beauty in the bleakest of days, to find humor in the darkest hours... These things make my life so much more than I portray it to be.

Yes, I lose myself too often in memories, it seems... But then, I only write of those because I need to get them out of my head and into the open so my mind is once again free and open to the new. I rarely speak of my dreams these days because I know how fleeting they are, how easily they can change.

But within the confines of my imagination, I treasure them. When my world appears desolate, they comfort me in ways even the most understanding voice cannot. They give me something to live for, and really - what is life without at least that much?

Now, half-asleep, I dream of a nameless face.. for once nameless, and not faceless :) I'm not as ensconced in the daydream of the unobtainable someone as some of my friends seem to think I am. My heart is still free to explore, and that is what I shall do, for the first time in my life.

~un dia muy triste~

Supermarkets can cause nostalgia in my world. It's really quite a hit-forehead-against-wall type thing. You would think that after almost 5 months, the memories would've faded enough so that a random trip around Jusco supermarket wouldn't jolt a recollection of buying wine and cheese with the person who taught me what love is. Apparently, though, my mind has other ideas. Now all I can do is try and keep my head above this sea of memories.. I really cannot afford to let myself drown in it. Because if I do, I surely will.

Going Under...

I feel like singing. I feel like dancing. It's a funny reaction considering that I don't have a holiday in sight from now til December (so much for not taking business subjects!). Okay, so the singing and dancing thing could be an indirect result of the pressure I'm under at the moment.

Not that pressure is a bad thing entirely.. I seem to function on it, thrive on it even. It just tends to bring out the psychotic in me, that's all :) Possibly the worst side effect, though, is that I seem to subconsciously look for ways to focus my attention on non-work related stuff....

This one happens to be completely unsuitable to fixate on. It's really quite ironic the situations I get myself into. If my life were a novel, I'd be the one consistently being stuck in relationships that go nowhere, or never even start to begin with. Mainly because I'm probably a closet commitment-phobe. Or whatever you wanna call it :P

Pity, that. For a girl who loves romance as much as I do, it's really a shame that I don't know how to be more discriminating in the guys I fall for. You'd think 21 years is enough for me to get my act together.

Hah! And the sky is pink.

Pre-Semi Final Thoughts :)

Take away the veneer and all that's left is barely concealed insecurity.

Believe me?

Haha.. I hate labels for many reasons, but the biggest one is that they prevent you from being human, with the good, the bad and the ugly all rolled into one. I will never deny myself for the sake of being liked... but at the same time, I do wish I could be liked for me.

Songs raise in me a feeling that I thought I could ignore.. I guess there are some things about me that will never change no matter how much time passes.

Boy oh boy, is THAT a relief! :)

The Sad Truth...

For all my cynicism, I just realized that I trust people way too easily. Big advocate of the benefit of the doubt.. so much so I can't imagine people having 'sinister' motives til I have no choice but to accept it. However, the flipside is, once that trust is broken, I find it very hard to stop looking for ulterior motives whenever the person does something...

I don't like being lied to. Yet I always think of the reasons the person would have for lying. Maybe because it's difficult for me to accept the fact that the person would actually want to lie to me. And maybe because facing that truth hurts too much to accept at face value.

Hm.. the interesting thing is, I never expect it to hurt so much, but sometimes, it does. Sometimes inexplicably. Or maybe I do know why, but the reason is not something I'm prepared to admit to just yet, even to myself.

On another note.. Once again I long for the wrong thing. Not only unsuitable, but also completely unattainable.

Silly, silly girl!

Of Thoughts and Toes

It's really quite funny how hard I try to be logical and rational. That's my ideal self, I think.. What I admire most in others and want most to be like.

Haha.

Unfortunately, what I end up as is a strange cross between the romantic dreamer and down-to-earth realist. It certainly makes for highly uncomfortable situations!

Even worse, it makes me seem indecisive, because as soon as I'm confronted with an emotional situation, my sentimental side kicks in and while rational thought is still there, it becomes harder to access and I end up making less sense than I would have had I been able to present my arguments in a more objective environment.

Sigh. That, folks, has been the bane of my existence. My complete and utter inability to communicate rational thought when faced with an emotional situation.. that involves me, of course. With others, I'm perfectly capable of being rational.. almost clinical in the way I think and approach the situation. With myself, though, I fly around more blindly than a bat with cataracts.

On a slightly more silly note, I found out today that I'm probably one of the few people capable of stubbing their toes three times on the same flight of stairs. Clumsiness, anyone? :D

Una Nota de La Noche

El Orfanato es una pelicula muy triste! Me he llorado mucho! :(

The movie was in Spanish, so I kinda had to write that in the same language.. How gratifying that I actually can! The Orphanage, it's called in English. I highly recommend it.

How odd that we sometimes do things so automatically that when we suddenly realize we're doing it, it just seems so bizarre.. Even though we've been doing it for ages.

What am I talking about? Oh, I only just noticed tonight my complete inability to pour milk from a newly opened carton into a cup of coffee without spilling anything. It's actually quite hilarious. Although not very surprising seeing as I'm the girl who consistently burns her fingers making toast.

It's red-hot passion on the football field tonight, folks! The Spanish versus the Italians.. how much more sizzling can a football match get? ;)

Viva España!!!

D'oh.

Just a quickie for now...

One small piece of advice, people... Never watch a horror movie with headphones on.

Have a pleasant night!

*shivers*

IS-ers! This is for YOU! :)

As I was attempting to cut up apples for a potato salad (which I promise you, tastes a lot better than it looks!), I was thinking about a conversation I had last night with friends... and I realized something:

Sometimes we have to lose in order to gain.

And I think that is true for friendship, too. People I used to consider friends slowly drifted away and while that saddened me, I now realize just how much more I have gained as a result. Friends who know me and love me, no matter what I do. And really, what more can anyone ask for than people who genuinely care for you?

I'd give up partying and being "cool" anyday for the group of friends I have. What's more, some people are fortunate to have even one good friend in their lives... I have the blessing of four. (Not to mention cousins who are absolutely phenomenal in their own right, too :P).

So, no, I will no longer be sad for friendships lost, because the ones I found in the process are worth a million times more than gold :)


Ju Li, my best friend .. Goes by Jules, Julieto, JujuLili, Jujubes, Jubujubu.. (She will kill me for this, but I'm pretty sure she loves me anyway! Aye, Jubes? ;P)


With La Drama Queen - Ms. Davina Padman herself! Performer extraordinaire! Sensitive soul, great friend. And always, always there when you need her :)


My JenJen! The Queen, Shakespeare V.2, Baileys kaki.. And someone whose friendship I never want to lose :)


Us - the Insanely Saners, including Ee May, though I don't have a newer picture of her :( This was taken in 2004. It's amazing that 4 years on, in spite of living in different countries, it's like no time at all has passed when we're together again. That's magical, and so rare that I am feeling so grateful right now to have such wonderful, strong women to call friends - in the very truest sense of the word!

It's Flying!!!

As I get older, I feel time passing more acutely, and it seems to be moving faster and faster all the time. Already we're adults, embarking on a whole new journey, a lot of it still unknown but we will inevitably pass through the various landmarks that will guide us into adulthood. Getting a degree, finding a job, settling down - alone or with a partner, for some, having children... And then we watch those in the generation above us wind down, their cycle of life slowly being replaced by our own, just as our children will slowly replace ours...

It's a depressing thought, this. The thought of the whole structure of your life changing over the course of a few years is daunting, to say the least. And the prospect of starting to lose the people you love... That is even scarier.

I guess all those who say that we need to make the most of the now have a point. Time is short. We're not given much of it, so why not make the most of what we're given? Relationships are more important than the chase for money, and family is more important than any idealistic ideas about love. Prioritizing should begin now, not later when partying isn't fun anymore...

Mm.. Should start subscribing to the "tomorrow may be too late" school of thought and keep that in mind always. I have a feeling I will regret less that way!

PS: Thursday was a rather strange day for me... In fact, I learned that sometimes when you look too hard for something, you may miss it because while you're so busy looking everywhere else, what you're looking for passes right under your nose and you don't even realize it.

Randomness on the Bus

Random observations I made while on the bus today. Key word is random. :)

1. I like baju kurungs. They’re feminine and really pretty (well, those that don’t look like table cloths from hell). Only problem with them is… It’s practically impossible to tell who’s pregnant and who’s just on the, um, heavier side. Which makes for quite a weird situation when you’re on public transport – you risk either being an inconsiderate oaf (if you think she’s heavy when she’s really pregnant), or seriously offending her (if you think she’s pregnant when she’s really heavy). Dilemma anyone?


2. It’s funny how you don’t have to tell barristas that you want whipped cream on your Extreme Buzz ice-blended. The male ones, at least. The male ones who make it a point to be at the cashier when you order said drink. :D


3. It’s also funny how failure to plan occurs across the board. Thing I hate about this is that sometimes failure to plan doesn’t just affect you. Other people may be involved, and frankly, that just isn’t right.


4. I wonder why some women can’t grow old gracefully. Wearing a triple-layer cake of make up on your face, bright yellow t-shirts and tight jeans aren’t going to change the fact that you’re not 20 anymore. But more power to them for not conforming to the typical “let’s get our hair permed every week” norm of that generation, I guess.

That's it. I'm sure I had more, but I can't remember them now. Sigh. Should make it a point to write all this stuff down as they come.

Will write more soon.. when I can figure out how to write my secrets in Spanish! ;)

Sick Cycle Carousel

When will this end, it goes on and on
Over, and over, and over again.
Keep spinning around I know it won't stop,
Till I step down from this..

Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle carousel, yeah

I think this song sums up the way my life tends to go...

I think that maybe we all mature at different paces in different aspects of our lives. Maybe I'm not ready to handle certain parts of mine...

Whatever the case, I sense a humongous bit of deja vu coming along soon and I don't know how to prevent it.

Or maybe I do. Growing up would possibly be the option to choose.

Much much easier said than done, though!

Musings...

When I was younger, I dreamed about forever. Now, my dreams are coloured by the knowledge that life never really does turn out like we want it to.

As much as I want to dream, I can't help thinking ten steps ahead. Relationships can't be based on feelings alone. I'm no longer naive enough to believe that "love will find a way"...

You can't imagine the conflict that causes me. Being idealistic at heart, having to be realistic doesn't sit very well with me. And I don't know what to do with that realism... So much so I end up handling everything all wrong.

How do I communicate my worries without seeming defeatist? And how do I reconcile my feelings with the way I see things to be?

Sometimes cynicism is safer. You hurt less if you don't expect too much. And God help me, I'm expecting far more than I know to good for me and at the same time can't see how it'll all pan out!

Confusion, much? Sigh.

......

I will never be the kind of girl that evokes passion.
Respect, maybe.
Admiration, probably.
But never passion.
And I might as well resign myself to that now.