Change

Funny how life and priorities change, even after such a short time. In the space of a few months, everything can change. In a matter of days, even.

I'll never regret the stance I'm taking. Even when I'm tempted to give in, just to have something to dream about between classes or in bed at night, I'm reminded that I CHOSE this path for a reason. That I have a goal in mind and a life that I want to lead. Dreams are empty -- unless you possess the strength of will to do whatever it takes to achieve them. Sure, dreams CAN come true -- what they don't tell you, though, is the effort that goes into it, the sacrifice.

Am I capable of that? I'm beginning to think I am. This year alone I have walked away from so many things that I loved for the sake of the future I aspire to. And while I feel sad about leaving them behind, I know in my heart that I've done the right thing.

It'll be awhile before I am able to know if this particular dream will come true... but the journey, fraught with potholes but filled with the wonder and excitement of new discoveries, new limits, is more than enough for now. The realization of that dream will be the icing on the cake. And that folks, is why I am no longer following the road that paves most of my writings in this blog... No more. That stage of my life is over... It is now time to grow up.

The Dark

He still freaks me out. I can't look at his pictures without wanting to look away. It's really quite amazing how much of a psychological hold he has on me. And scary, too. But to act in a different manner around him would just alert others to the problem.. and I don't want that either. People choose whom and what they believe, regardless of truth, so I'm better off keeping mum on the subject. Tried once, failed miserably. Really - would you believe someone you've met only once over a friend? Doubtful. And that one fact of human nature has made certain that I can never, ever reveal what I know to be true.

-toolazytothinkoftitle-

As much as I might gripe about extraverted intuition - it looks like it's saved me once again. Of course, when I refuse to listen to it, I usually end up in a messy situation that I really could've done without. But this time I did - and boy, am I glad I did!

Moving on...

Lately I find myself becoming a lot more cutting and caustic. It isn't very pretty. I must say that I usually regret being such a bitch after the fact, but I'm finding it harder than usual to rein in my tongue. Really not a good thing, and I can't seem to pinpoint the reason for this seeming lack of self-control.

I'm allowing too many things to get to me. Worrying about things I shouldn't be worrying about in the first place is using up a lot of the energy I usually reserve for being patient with the people I care about.

Anyway, if any of you read this, and I've been particularly mean lately - please know that I'm sorry. I'm really going to try and stop being so sarcastic all the time. Hold me to it, will you?

But Wait, What If...

There are times when being so aware of the possibilities can be extremely annoying. Here I am, trying to read nonverbal cues, and all the while, my mind is churning up new ways to interpret them.

*pulls hair out*

Okay, so a big part of it is that I just want to be confident of something for once. My excitement is always tempered down by the realization that I could be completely misreading things. The point isn't whether I most probably am or not - it's simply this realization that pretty much dampens it for me.

It's funny.. I can give you about 10 different attributions for one simple act. Just one. And 9 out of 10 will be driving me crazy, because there usually is only one thing I want it to be attributed to, but my mind refuses to allow me even that one teeny luxury of being able to float on air.

However, as a defense mechanism against getting too hurt by my idealistic nature, this works perfectly. I have to say that much, at least. Pros and cons, people. Probably the one thing I'm reasonably good at determining.

Hooray for extraverted intuition.

If Looks Could Kill... Poor Laine Would Be Dieded.

It's bad enough when someone doesn't like you. But it's a whole lot worse when:

a) You don't know why
b) The person has never spoken to you in their entire life!

I would prefer it if they just came to me and yelled. Or something. At least I'd know if it's justified or not. Better yet, I'd be able to defend myself...

The random glares and sideways glances are seriously unnerving. Not an experience I'd wish on anyone, of that I can 100% assure you.

*shudders*

Here I Am ~ Leona Lewis

This is a crazy world
These can be lonely times
It's hard to know who's on your side
Most of the time

Who can you really trust
Who do you really know
Is there anybody out there
Who can make you feel less alone
Sometimes you just can't make it on your own

If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
Well I'll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, hmmm

If you have broken dreams
Just lay them all on me
I'll be the one who understands
So take my hand

If there is emptiness
You know I'll do my best
To fill you up with all the love
That I can show someone
I promise you you'll never walk alone

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
Well I'll always be your friend

When you need a shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am

Everybody needs somebody who
They can pour their heart and soul into

If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend

When you need a shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for the pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, Here I am

Of Lousy Thinkers and Mental Filters

I amaze myself sometimes. And not always in a good way. I never actually stop to think about a lot of what I do and say - some of which could potentially come back to bite me on my well-padded rear... That being said, I tend to make lousy decisions when I think too much, too.

So what is a girl to do? Be grateful for the fact that in big decisions, at least, I'm capable of making sound ones. It's the little things, the every day stuff that I completely suck at. You wouldn't know it to see me, but oh the evidence is there, all right!

.. Hm. It does rather seem that all I ever do is complain about myself, doesn't it? Well, I'm not entirely as bad as I make myself out to be. However, I do wish I had some sort of mental filter. To help me differentiate between the proper response (that won't get me an undesirable outcome) and the out-of-whack one (which leaves me absolutely no room for edging out of trouble). Sigh.

I made a boo boo on Tuesday. Unfortunately, it is one I won't be able to fix. All I can do is cross my fingers and hope it all turns out for the best. Woohoo.

Ketawa! KETAWA!!!! Hehehehehe.

Laughter is highly underrated. I've long discovered how laughing at even the most ridiculous things can turn my whole day around.

Sometimes it doesn't hurt to look silly - puts things in perspective when we can see just how pointless it is to take ourselves so seriously all the time :o)

PS: Am I allowed to be in love with Eddie Izzard? :D

Randomness At (Almost!) Dawn

It feels so good to be able to be awake at 4.47 a.m. and not have to worry about waking up an hour or so later to go to work *sighs happily* It's been a long time since I've been able to enjoy the silence and peace of this hour of the night... I've rather missed it, come to think of it.

The internship I did was really an experience to remember. Teaching and working with children is not the easiest thing to do, but I have got to say: I enjoyed every second! They were some of the most lovable kids I have ever met and I'm so proud to have come to know them.

I really am going to miss seeing those kids everyday. I'm going to miss their whining, complaining, fighting, crying .. everything! But most of all I'm going to miss their smiles, the way they'd talk to me about their lives, their fledgling relationships (so cute!!), the way the youngest boy always left what he was doing and ran to me when I arrived there each morning... God, I really will miss them!

There was so much untapped potential there - bright, eager boys who really just need the right opportunities, the right guidance. But that isn't easy to come by, unfortunately.. And their lives lack the continuity and stability children need in order to be able to grow and become all that they can be. This feeling of helplessness is really quite annoying .. there are times when I wish I wasn't a mere 1st going on 2nd year student. At this stage, pretty much all I can give them is time, patience and all the love that is in my heart to give.

If only that were enough.

Updates! :)

It just occurred to me as I was having my hair cut for the bazillionth time in my life that the hairdresser more or less commands our absolute trust. After all, they have the ability to make you look like a god(dess) or like something the dog dragged out of the drain. Frightening thought, actually. And I should know, having had my fair share of scrapes with hair massacre-rers. Thank goodness this time 'round my hair actually looks normal. I'm having a round of good luck this year with the species, and I'm infinitely grateful for that! :)

(And am I sounding more bimbotic by the second, or what? Haha!)

On a slightly more amusing note, it seems that the whole Anwar issue is so pervasive in Malaysian society that even the hairdresser aunty and her cronies are discussing it, albeit in Hokkien. Not that I understand much. But I did catch "BN hancur" in the conversation somewhere... Would've eavesdropped more, but it's a little bit pointless when you don't know the language from Swahili.

And finally, after 2 very long months, the 30 Hour Famine has come and gone - and been a huge success, if we do say so ourselves :) Everything went along well, with minor hiccups (to be expected with a crowd of over 500 people surviving only on mineral water) and there were some very good lessons to be learnt from it..

..Not least of which was that I now have infinite respect and admiration for all those people surviving famine, war and natural disasters. We had the luxury of looking forward to the glut of food available to us after the 30 hours, these people don't know if they'll even see their next meal. So while I'm quite pleased to find I can actually go that long without food, it's somewhat sobering to realize that what I have accomplished is nothing compared to what millions would consider a day in the life.

I'm just glad that the money we raised will be put to good use in lightening the load they have to carry everyday. If I'm proud of anything, it is that so many of us were willing to chip in and extend a hand to all those who do not have the luxuries we take for granted everyday. There's hope for humanity yet! :)

The requisite cam-whoring picture - taken sometime between registration and the opening ceremony.. Possibly even during! :)

The 500 ++ campers - can't help but feel very happy to be part of this crowd! They showed amazing spirit throughout the whole thing, and without their enthusiasm and active participation, I doubt it would've been the success that it was, so - a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped make HELP's 30 Hour Famine camp an experience to remember! :)

Just A Random Musing...

Just a thought after watching last night's top headline...

Would someone who can lie at such a potentially catastrophic level really fear God so much that he would be compelled to tell the truth just because he was swearing on a holy book?

Honestly, people, if someone's prepared to lie on such a grand scale, do you really think they would stop on account of swearing on a holy book?

Someone like that has already disregarded the laws of the God he professes to worship, in which case, his swearing on a holy book would be absolutely no grounds for determining his honesty.

If I'd already broken so many laws of my religion, really - what's one more?

Something to chew on as this saga continues...

Malacca Road Trip a.k.a the Food Binge :)

A picture chronology of how our first ever road trip together went - Malacca, 4th and 5th August, 2008 :)

The backpacker's we stayed at.. Had the wackiest owners, but they were a lot of fun :)

First stop: Jonker's for Chicken Rice Balls and Shopping!!! :)

The yummy, delicious, scrumptious, yummy chicken rice balls!! :)

And then on to terrorize shop keepers with, "No discount ah? Caaan la, aunty!!" :P

The colourful selection of mid-shopping fruit drinks we had a the Limau-Limau cafe..

Doing our bitchy model pose - the first time we ever got it right! :)

Of course, we had to make a stop at our favourite place in the world - the Jetty! :)

We look so happy.. Irony is that Vin was standing behind the camera going, "Laugh, people, LAUGH!" :P

SATAY CELUP!!!!!!!!!! No words. Absolutely no words. Aaahhhhhh... My mouth waters just thinking about it...

And no outing's complete without a little beer and fries.. At Geographers with Go Go Willie attempting to entertain in the background. Didn't quite succeed, poor thing.

Jonker on a week night... Spooky eh?

Day two - and we went in search of the best chi kueh ever made.. and found it too! :)

Had to make do with char koay teow as the char tao kueh man wasn't there :( Oh well.. better luck next time (Re: September!!! :P)

After breakfast, we went to Tengkera to seek out - lunch! Which was this gorgeous mee siam which tastes even better than it looks... we had nasi lemak and mee curry, too, but I don't have the pics of those yet..

... Oh, and let's not forget the pai tee! Which is only THE best I've ever tasted.. :) And this is one of the few times even I don't have to exaggerate :P

All in all.. it was a wonderful trip. It had all the elements of what makes a holiday fun - sun, sea, great food, awesome company, and lots and lots of laughter :) Here's to many more road trips - may they all be as fun as, if not more, than our first ever trip (alone!) to Malacca! :)

Words of Wisdom.. :)

These five quotes stood out for me today.. Just when I needed a morale boost :)

* If you want to be successful, it's just this simple: Know what you're doing. Love what you're doing. And believe in what you're doing.
- Will Rogers

* The people that get on in this world are the people that get up and look for the circumstances that they want; and if they can't find them, they make them.
- George Bernard Shaw

* The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

* The best way to predict the future is to create it!
- Jason Kaufmann

* The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself.
- Mark Caine

Muddled

Once again I have reached a stage in my life where I'm wondering whether I really have it as together as I actually wanted it to be at this stage of my life.. Academically, I seem to be doing fine on the surface but underneath it all is an uncertainty as to whether or not I'm actually prepared for what the working world will throw at me.

And in a profession whereby every decision I make could potentially impact another person's life, I HAVE to be accurate. There really is no room for error. I guess it's a good thing I'm realizing it while I still have time to do something about it... But at the same time, I'm also afraid that I'll never be good enough.

Sometimes I envy those people who are so sure of themselves and what they're doing. Certainty is something I'd do anything to have. But no matter how much I read, how much I think about something, I'm never certain because I'm so aware of the possibility that something could be wrong, no matter how small that possibility is.

It's probably why I'm always saying "I think" and "I guess" and "probably"... I'm very wary of saying something that people may interpret to be a finality because I know very well that it never is. At least, when I'm saying it. Although I suppose one could argue that that knowledge is a finality in and of itself...

Argh! Is there any wonder why I confuse myself all the damn time? *sigh* Oh well...

Interesting observation of the day: Caucs who live in Malaysia for a long time/grew up here have the STRANGEST accent. I really don't know how to describe it but, yea... It's strange :P

Will do a small Malacca update when I'm feeling less out of sorts. With a few pictures. Hehe... The BBC strikes again, baby! ;)

Unable to Think of Suitable Title :)

I'm exhausted. More than I've been in a very long time. A big part of it is mental, I think. That and the fact that it's slowly starting to dawn on me that I'm not going to be having anything remotely resembling a proper rest til December. Whoopdedoo.

My fault, really. I shouldn't have tried to squeeze so many things into this hols - although in my defense, one part was completely unintentional. The worst part is I don't have the energy at the end of the day to do much more than have a shower, check my email (on an extremely slow dial-up modem) and crash. So my plans for actually doing some constructive reading have been somewhat stunted - haven't been able to do all I planned to do this holidays (partially the fault of TMNet.. no Streamyx = too long to download journals - if I actually manage to sign in at all). On the bright side, I did finish the few books I intended to, so that's a bonus...

I don't know why I'm rambling on about all this stuff. I just feel like writing, I guess. I've always found it therapeutic to give my fingers free rein... although maybe the final result may not be anything worth reading :) I don't mind actually ... it'll give me something to laughingly cringe about in a few days, months, years...

Breathless by Shayne Ward has been blasting in my head for days now, annoying the hell out of me. "If we had babies they would have your eyes.. I would fall deeper watching you give life.." Well. I have gotta say - this song may probably hold some appeal for me when I'm in my late 20s or summat, but I tell ya - if someone sang that to me at this point in time, incredulous laughter would be the kindest reaction I can think of. So.. it's a potentially romantic song. For some. I think. And what is it with Brit males who sing in falsetto and life partners? Daniel Bedingfield sang a similarly creepy line in If You're Not The One... ".. then why do I dream of you - as my wife?" Um. Wooh. Nice.

Moving on to another Brit who has had a starring role in my mental jukebox lately - James Blunt. Only one song though, and thank GOD it's the only song by him that I like - Carry You Home. And as tribute to the fact that it's the only song in my mental jukebox currently that doesn't make me wish I had a mental off button as well, I shall post my favourite verse and the chorus. Rather fitting lyrics, actually.. Fitting what, though, will be knowledge for my mental knowledge bank only. Whatever a mental knowledge bank is. Goodnight all!

If she had wings she would fly away
And another day god will give her some
Trouble is the only way is down,down,down

As strong as you were
Tender you go
I'm watching you breathing for the last time
A song for your heart
But when it is quiet
I know what it means
I'll carry you home
I'll carry you home

Choirs and Angels :)

There are no words to describe how excited I am to be singing in a choir again :) There really are few things I enjoy more than that (as all my high school friends can readily attest to :P). Learning the score, fitting in the different parts, getting harmonies mixed up and having to relearn it, screwing up timing and having to start from scratch... All those make the experience all that much more interesting, annoying though they may appear to be.

But the crown jewel of it all has to be when finally, everything falls into place and everyone knows their part and are singing together in (almost! :P) perfect harmony. When what you hear is close enough to what you imagine it should sound like. When weeks of hard work all culminate into a masterpiece of sound.... Ah! There are very few things that stir the soul quite like human voices raised together in song :)

Well, in-tune song :P I do have my minor idiosyncracies and out-of-tune choirs/groups get to me almost as much as people who do vocal acrobatics without really having the ability to do it (I mean just those people who actually think they're good at it when they're not).

On another more random note - I just watched City of Angels, after years of wondering what it was about... And of course, ended up crying at how it all played out. I have to say that I can agree with his sentiment at the end - that having those few special moments with someone you truly love is worth all the pain that could potentially follow.

And I fell in love with Iris all over again.. It seems like my love affair with love songs of this sort will never end :)

Reminiscing...

What we had together was completely unexpected and yet so beautiful that even now I can't help wishing that it could have lasted. But I realize that I still love him, even though the capacity is no longer the same. And that I love him for more than what he's able to give me ... I love him for who he is, a man that I trust and respect, whom I'm comfortable with and whom I understand almost as well as he understands me. A man whom I can only see getting better with age and maturity. I can simply look at him and be happy that he's happy. And smile wistfully while the thought crosses my mind that it'd be a lucky woman who one day captures his heart. Although the memory of what we had still makes me feel like I've lost something very special, I'm still happy I have that much - and that the respect and affection I feel for him is mutual. But most of all I'm glad that he came into my life... because now I finally know what it means to love a man unconditionally :)

Just a Short Musing..

It hit me only recently just how different we are - especially in the way we approach the different facets of life. At first, I suppose that was part of the attraction, part of the initial appeal - that he had what I longed to have. But it's slowly dawning on me that if he intimidates me just by being who he is, no matter what happens, I won't be happy. Which is, quite frankly, a ridiculous way to live. It's difficult to remember your strengths when you're faced with a strong embodiment of your weaknesses.. and even harder to face those weaknesses when that embodiment happens to be one you respect and admire. So all things considered, I'm glad I gave myself a well-deserved kick in the rear. Sure will work to save my sanity in the long run. At least until I can be sure enough of who I am to face down that kind of certainty.

And if I have not made a lick of sense, forgive me. I shall endeavour to write something more coherent in the near future. :P

And So It Ends..

If the notion of Freudian slips is true, then my making one of the biggest ones of my life has led to my also being able to observe how quickly the mind works to reduce the dissonance…

Because of that single slip, I am now ready to close the door on that particular dusty little corner of my life. To leave this story unfinished, just as I have with every story I’ve ever written (save one).

My pride will not let me stoop any lower than I already have… and my mind has finally gotten through to my heart – it is not supposed to be like this. I am reminded of a promise I made to myself a long time ago – and this time, I intend to keep it.

-in the internet cafe-

Mm. It's been a long time since I've been blindsided by something that shouldn't really matter to me. Even though I'm probably reading way too much into the situation, I have to say - it's one of the biggest "ouches" I've experienced in a long, long time. That's what happens when you put too much stock into someone's opinion, I suppose...

It's funny how I get random flashes of how much I love the people in my life. I may not be the best at initiating contact, but I would go out of my way to meet them (barring parental disapproval, of course). I miss my cousins, I miss my friends - both high school and uni - and I miss my mum!!! A week without her is very lonely. I've probably just gotten too used to having someone to rant to in the evenings, and laugh with about random things that happened during the day... I'm just one of those really blessed children who have parents that can alternate smoothly between being a parent and a friend. And I have to say it again - I miss my mummy!! :'(

Strange how you can still feel like a child at 21... Parents do tend to have that effect, huh? :)

Short thought..

The song going through my mind right now is In My Life from the musical Les Miserables.

Every word that he says is a dagger in me...

Mm. So true, that line. But I get the feeling I'm gonna be bouncing back from the temporary melancholy that's set in soon enough. Seem to be growing more resilient in my old age.. :)

Off The Top Of My Head!

We're so bored! La Veina's actually playing some weird flower game thing next to me. I'm trying to think of emofied songs to sing so I can make myself all melancholic. Ya huh! That's how bored we are. Sigh. I just don't feel like driving home! Why is Klang so far away? It sucks. Oooh. Westlife rocks. I can't believe the World Of Our Own album came out 7 years ago. I feel very old, atm. But I still love the songs. Esp If Your Heart's Not In It. Very very true song. Don't know why people cling on to unhappy relationships. Life has so much more to offer.. but then again, it's true that it sucks to be lonely. Which is why we need friends! Friends who offer very strange advice at times, but still .. at least they care enough to offer advice. Hehe. Quite funny too. We're gonna make erupting volcanoes with Diet Coke and Mentos for the kids. Cool huh? Science experiments that make messes are always tons of fun. May not endear us to the supervisors, though. Wheeee. This is a way cool example of free writing. No thought involved. Well, not conscious anyways. I think. I'm not sure how that works exactly. If you've managed to read this far without getting a headache, I totally salute you. Oh btw, psychology is NOT a dead-end field. Some people should really straighten out that particular misconception. It's getting extremely annoying. Estoy muy aburrida! Quiero a dormir ahora :( Goodbye people. Gotta leave soon to avoid potential trouble in KL due to the arrest of Anwar. How very stupid. Ciao bellas!

-boredom central-

Guess where I am now, folks?

Yup, you got it! In the computer lab in uni. Again.

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That's what I feel like doing. That and tearing my hair out. Internet's been wonky all the way since the Friday before last - with only two days of connectivity in over a week! Now apparently the fibre optic cable in my area's down (a fact which they neglected to inform me of after I called them three *tooting* times!) and will only be repaired by tomorrow. Info which I take with an oceanful of salt, I might add.

On another note - doesn't the government have better things to do than cause more trouble by arresting Anwar? Seriously, do they actually think doing stuff like that's gonna endear them to the average Malaysian? Hm... Sometimes, you just gotta wonder!

Et tu, Brute?

I've switched back to my original template... Apparently this blue blog is my "trademark" :) Can't very well mess with trademarks can I?

A few things I found out over the past few days:

1. I am not a top student (revealed by Khing Ju Li)
2. I am not hot (revealed by Khing Ju Li)
3. I am not up to standard for guys (revealed by Khing Ju Li)
4. I am not a woman in general (revealed by Khing Ju Li)

Who is Khing Ju Li, you might ask..

Apparently, she and my darling best friend are one and the same person. Yes, exactly. MY BEST FRIEND!

OUCH doesn't even begin to cover it *sobs imaginary eyes out* She has stripped me of all identity! I shall never be the same again!

Jujubes, I demand a night out at Red/Green Box to make it up to me! *snickers wickedly* You be so in for it now! :D

Notice!

I have decided to conform and change my blog template.. What it'll be, I don't know yet.. currently in the process of choosing one :)

On a sadder note - this is what I have been reduced to when there are no exams or things to study for.

*SOBS*

Observations.. Oh Observations! :) :) :)

Sitting in the computer lab in uni at the moment.. The things we do to stave off boredom. Next door a TOTALLY hot lecturer is giving lessons on gaming. Great eye candy! Any man who can look good in pale green has gotta be a hottie. That's my theory of hotness anyway! Er.. well, one of them. Hehe.

What a SUPER CHUN ending to a dull day.

Wheeee! :D

Strange, Strange Day..

I have never felt like screaming so badly before.

Today has got to be one of the strangest days of my life. I've never actually felt so out of control of my body before. My mind worked fine when it was supposed to, but it felt like physically, everything was shutting down on me.

I don't know what it was in reaction to.. I just know that it was one of the scariest feelings ever. Didn't help that I had to sit for a stats exam while feeling like I was choking from the inside. I'm all right now, though. I just thought the whole experience was weird.. very, very weird.

Hm.. and I'm beginning to notice a pattern elsewhere, too. It's like some warped unspoken agreement that acknowledging existence would be - simply put - just too strange to actually attempt. At least for now.

Funny how I tend to agree with that sentiment. Sometimes dreams are just meant to remain dreams...

Now to bed! Tomorrow is another looong day.

Per-random-an :)

Gosh, I will never change! At least not with regards to blogging like a maniac during exam times. I always do this! Always! Even when I was writing Facebook notes, the trend still remained...

Could be that this my way of offloading all the random thoughts that distract me from studying. But you would think that taking time off to write would be more detrimental to my eductional well-being. Hmph. Why oh why can't I be more normal!!!!!

Oooh. Been listening to Lucie Silva's What You're Made Of again and realized, not for the first time, how many parallels there are to the last time this happened. Except this time there are similarities. And according to my textbook, similarities are good when you want to be attracted to something. But not so good when you don't want to be. Because our need for balance apparently will draw us to the object who happens to have similar attitudes, interests, beliefs, etc.

[Why am I thinking in social psych terms again? The exam's over, woman!! Get a grip!]

I notice I've been calling everyone with the XX chromosome "woman" lately. It's all Ryan's fault. Really. It is!

My laptop may need to be reformatted.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! :(

My poor baby *sniffles*

Frustration!

Beauty really does lie in the eye of the beholder!

I can testify to that, seeing as I have no other justification for the things I've been up to lately. The thoughts I've been thinking..

Haha, no it hasn't really gotten quite to THAT extent. Of course, some very vivid descriptions of the fact totally put me off daydreaming about it *glares at Lee* Hmph. I can't even indulge in random fantasies, because now, I have weird images of my best uni friend sticking her tongue out at me everytime I try!

If that isn't as effective as a bucket of cold water, I really don't know what is!

It is SO frustrating to sit here, though, aware of what he wants, yet never being able to be it. Wanting to cry, "Just look, and you'll see..." But no. Time's taught me not to be so impulsive. Not to do anything to alter the course that seems set. If it happens, it happens, with absolutely no prodding from me....

Well. Okay. Not absolutely none. Minimal, though. I promise!!!

What, don't believe me?

Ah well.. I think most of you never do when it comes to me and this sorta thing. Can't really say I blame you! Don't actually trust myself sometimes. Is that bad?

Yea, it probably is.

Poor Laine.. Bwocked!!!

It's just as well that I wiped out my previous post. I haven't been able to write anything decent for AGES. And it's seriously starting to bug me.

Meh.

Okay, maybe not as much as a "meh" would suggest, but still.. More than is rationally warranted, I think! It's what happens when you grow old and mature and lose all sense of fun. And the ability to mold random observations into witty anecdotes.

Oooh. The surprise party Priya's family threw for her was a right success! :) Although I gotta say, for all my Indian blood I sure can't dance like an Indian *looks mournful* Best I can do is bounce. All that hip action is a bit much for me.. Not that I don't want to do it - my hips refuse to obey, even direct orders!

But I'm still ambitious enough to want to try Latin dancing. Haha! Although, it really isn't much fun without someone to dance with... Ooh. Doesn't matter. Maybe if I actually get around to signing up for a class, there'll be a really hot Latino dude there willing to be my partner *grins*

Hehe. Well, a girl can always hope! :D

A perfect example of how true friendship can withstand the test of time! :)

Music and Lyrics! Hee.

I'm listening to Amazed by Lonestar at the moment, allowing myself to melt at the lyrics... It's no wonder that I get myself into the situations I do. It's this idealistic view of love that has me plunging headlong into what is increasingly becoming familiarly treacherous territory!

But I can't help it. I can't help drowning in soaring melodies and haunting lyrics. I can't keep the music from seeping into my soul and carrying me off with it into the incredibly exciting but horribly unrealistic world of my daydreams.

There are days when I can almost see him, others when all I know is that there's someone there, lurking in the shadows, but as yet, I cannot see him. And in spite of the songs, in spite of the persistent tug of my heart whenever a song like My Confession comes on, I am glad that as yet, he's merely a shadow...

I keep being reminded just how much of life I have left to live. God willing, that is. Love is wonderful and I do wish I had it in my grasp... But at the same time I know that if I don't live my life to the fullest now - when will I ever get the chance to experience all life has to offer without the hindrance of major responsibilities?

Mm. Damn, my blog's getting all growed up. I think after this I shall retreat into my nonsensical self and start being random again. I'm giving myself a headache, being so grown up all the time! :)

Je Suis En Vie!

It seems like life has a funny way of coming full circle. It was barely three years ago when I got entangled in almost exactly the same situation.. It almost makes me want to laugh out loud at the absurdity of it all.

But now.. it doesn't seem to matter so much anymore that he doesn't know. It doesn't matter so much anymore that he doesn't care. In spite of my natural inclination to become melancholic, this time I find that I can hold my head up and smile. I think I'm finally realizing that life has so much more to offer than dreams.

And just because something seems special now, will not make it so a few days, weeks or months down the line. Sure, it isn't the most pleasant feeling to realize that feelings aren't reciprocated. But at the same time, it really isn't the end of the world.

I've never felt more alive in my life than I do at this moment, as I listen to My Confession (current obsession!) and rid myself of the cynicism that made me react the way I did when I first found out... Self-worth is hard to come by, but there's a lot to be said for it! Every time something like this happens, I learn a bit more about myself, about how strong I can be...

And I'm quite pleasantly surprised that I'm learning to deal with the fallout of falling for someone I knew all along I would never stand a chance with, with a lot more maturity than I once thought myself capable of!

It's really very funny, but I do think I'm finally growing up! :)

little letters

it's fun to fall in love. to feel the wonder that comes with new discoveries. to have someone to dream about at night and think about during the day. to giggle about him with friends. to wait with eagerness for news. to wonder how his day went and if he's having fun. to have even the smallest things remind you of him. it's fun to fall in love. risking pride and sanity for the sake of that amazing feeling that envelopes you if that love is returned in kind. oh, the moment when it all falls into place! that one moment.. that's all it takes. and life is never the same again.

(optimistic post today ... much needed perspective! :P)

In The Silence...

I love staying up into the wee hours of the morning. The house is still and I can be alone with my thoughts. It is in these hours that I can lose myself in music, think about past events, envision the future...

My life is a lot less complex than I make it seem. I just love dramatising things. To live in a world where every moment is significant, every thing observed holds some special meaning.. It is why I love making random observations. It is why I love writing what I feel, good or bad.

Life is so much more than getting through the day unscathed. To open your eyes to the little things, to see the beauty in the bleakest of days, to find humor in the darkest hours... These things make my life so much more than I portray it to be.

Yes, I lose myself too often in memories, it seems... But then, I only write of those because I need to get them out of my head and into the open so my mind is once again free and open to the new. I rarely speak of my dreams these days because I know how fleeting they are, how easily they can change.

But within the confines of my imagination, I treasure them. When my world appears desolate, they comfort me in ways even the most understanding voice cannot. They give me something to live for, and really - what is life without at least that much?

Now, half-asleep, I dream of a nameless face.. for once nameless, and not faceless :) I'm not as ensconced in the daydream of the unobtainable someone as some of my friends seem to think I am. My heart is still free to explore, and that is what I shall do, for the first time in my life.

~un dia muy triste~

Supermarkets can cause nostalgia in my world. It's really quite a hit-forehead-against-wall type thing. You would think that after almost 5 months, the memories would've faded enough so that a random trip around Jusco supermarket wouldn't jolt a recollection of buying wine and cheese with the person who taught me what love is. Apparently, though, my mind has other ideas. Now all I can do is try and keep my head above this sea of memories.. I really cannot afford to let myself drown in it. Because if I do, I surely will.

Going Under...

I feel like singing. I feel like dancing. It's a funny reaction considering that I don't have a holiday in sight from now til December (so much for not taking business subjects!). Okay, so the singing and dancing thing could be an indirect result of the pressure I'm under at the moment.

Not that pressure is a bad thing entirely.. I seem to function on it, thrive on it even. It just tends to bring out the psychotic in me, that's all :) Possibly the worst side effect, though, is that I seem to subconsciously look for ways to focus my attention on non-work related stuff....

This one happens to be completely unsuitable to fixate on. It's really quite ironic the situations I get myself into. If my life were a novel, I'd be the one consistently being stuck in relationships that go nowhere, or never even start to begin with. Mainly because I'm probably a closet commitment-phobe. Or whatever you wanna call it :P

Pity, that. For a girl who loves romance as much as I do, it's really a shame that I don't know how to be more discriminating in the guys I fall for. You'd think 21 years is enough for me to get my act together.

Hah! And the sky is pink.

Pre-Semi Final Thoughts :)

Take away the veneer and all that's left is barely concealed insecurity.

Believe me?

Haha.. I hate labels for many reasons, but the biggest one is that they prevent you from being human, with the good, the bad and the ugly all rolled into one. I will never deny myself for the sake of being liked... but at the same time, I do wish I could be liked for me.

Songs raise in me a feeling that I thought I could ignore.. I guess there are some things about me that will never change no matter how much time passes.

Boy oh boy, is THAT a relief! :)

The Sad Truth...

For all my cynicism, I just realized that I trust people way too easily. Big advocate of the benefit of the doubt.. so much so I can't imagine people having 'sinister' motives til I have no choice but to accept it. However, the flipside is, once that trust is broken, I find it very hard to stop looking for ulterior motives whenever the person does something...

I don't like being lied to. Yet I always think of the reasons the person would have for lying. Maybe because it's difficult for me to accept the fact that the person would actually want to lie to me. And maybe because facing that truth hurts too much to accept at face value.

Hm.. the interesting thing is, I never expect it to hurt so much, but sometimes, it does. Sometimes inexplicably. Or maybe I do know why, but the reason is not something I'm prepared to admit to just yet, even to myself.

On another note.. Once again I long for the wrong thing. Not only unsuitable, but also completely unattainable.

Silly, silly girl!

Of Thoughts and Toes

It's really quite funny how hard I try to be logical and rational. That's my ideal self, I think.. What I admire most in others and want most to be like.

Haha.

Unfortunately, what I end up as is a strange cross between the romantic dreamer and down-to-earth realist. It certainly makes for highly uncomfortable situations!

Even worse, it makes me seem indecisive, because as soon as I'm confronted with an emotional situation, my sentimental side kicks in and while rational thought is still there, it becomes harder to access and I end up making less sense than I would have had I been able to present my arguments in a more objective environment.

Sigh. That, folks, has been the bane of my existence. My complete and utter inability to communicate rational thought when faced with an emotional situation.. that involves me, of course. With others, I'm perfectly capable of being rational.. almost clinical in the way I think and approach the situation. With myself, though, I fly around more blindly than a bat with cataracts.

On a slightly more silly note, I found out today that I'm probably one of the few people capable of stubbing their toes three times on the same flight of stairs. Clumsiness, anyone? :D

Una Nota de La Noche

El Orfanato es una pelicula muy triste! Me he llorado mucho! :(

The movie was in Spanish, so I kinda had to write that in the same language.. How gratifying that I actually can! The Orphanage, it's called in English. I highly recommend it.

How odd that we sometimes do things so automatically that when we suddenly realize we're doing it, it just seems so bizarre.. Even though we've been doing it for ages.

What am I talking about? Oh, I only just noticed tonight my complete inability to pour milk from a newly opened carton into a cup of coffee without spilling anything. It's actually quite hilarious. Although not very surprising seeing as I'm the girl who consistently burns her fingers making toast.

It's red-hot passion on the football field tonight, folks! The Spanish versus the Italians.. how much more sizzling can a football match get? ;)

Viva España!!!

D'oh.

Just a quickie for now...

One small piece of advice, people... Never watch a horror movie with headphones on.

Have a pleasant night!

*shivers*

IS-ers! This is for YOU! :)

As I was attempting to cut up apples for a potato salad (which I promise you, tastes a lot better than it looks!), I was thinking about a conversation I had last night with friends... and I realized something:

Sometimes we have to lose in order to gain.

And I think that is true for friendship, too. People I used to consider friends slowly drifted away and while that saddened me, I now realize just how much more I have gained as a result. Friends who know me and love me, no matter what I do. And really, what more can anyone ask for than people who genuinely care for you?

I'd give up partying and being "cool" anyday for the group of friends I have. What's more, some people are fortunate to have even one good friend in their lives... I have the blessing of four. (Not to mention cousins who are absolutely phenomenal in their own right, too :P).

So, no, I will no longer be sad for friendships lost, because the ones I found in the process are worth a million times more than gold :)


Ju Li, my best friend .. Goes by Jules, Julieto, JujuLili, Jujubes, Jubujubu.. (She will kill me for this, but I'm pretty sure she loves me anyway! Aye, Jubes? ;P)


With La Drama Queen - Ms. Davina Padman herself! Performer extraordinaire! Sensitive soul, great friend. And always, always there when you need her :)


My JenJen! The Queen, Shakespeare V.2, Baileys kaki.. And someone whose friendship I never want to lose :)


Us - the Insanely Saners, including Ee May, though I don't have a newer picture of her :( This was taken in 2004. It's amazing that 4 years on, in spite of living in different countries, it's like no time at all has passed when we're together again. That's magical, and so rare that I am feeling so grateful right now to have such wonderful, strong women to call friends - in the very truest sense of the word!

It's Flying!!!

As I get older, I feel time passing more acutely, and it seems to be moving faster and faster all the time. Already we're adults, embarking on a whole new journey, a lot of it still unknown but we will inevitably pass through the various landmarks that will guide us into adulthood. Getting a degree, finding a job, settling down - alone or with a partner, for some, having children... And then we watch those in the generation above us wind down, their cycle of life slowly being replaced by our own, just as our children will slowly replace ours...

It's a depressing thought, this. The thought of the whole structure of your life changing over the course of a few years is daunting, to say the least. And the prospect of starting to lose the people you love... That is even scarier.

I guess all those who say that we need to make the most of the now have a point. Time is short. We're not given much of it, so why not make the most of what we're given? Relationships are more important than the chase for money, and family is more important than any idealistic ideas about love. Prioritizing should begin now, not later when partying isn't fun anymore...

Mm.. Should start subscribing to the "tomorrow may be too late" school of thought and keep that in mind always. I have a feeling I will regret less that way!

PS: Thursday was a rather strange day for me... In fact, I learned that sometimes when you look too hard for something, you may miss it because while you're so busy looking everywhere else, what you're looking for passes right under your nose and you don't even realize it.

Randomness on the Bus

Random observations I made while on the bus today. Key word is random. :)

1. I like baju kurungs. They’re feminine and really pretty (well, those that don’t look like table cloths from hell). Only problem with them is… It’s practically impossible to tell who’s pregnant and who’s just on the, um, heavier side. Which makes for quite a weird situation when you’re on public transport – you risk either being an inconsiderate oaf (if you think she’s heavy when she’s really pregnant), or seriously offending her (if you think she’s pregnant when she’s really heavy). Dilemma anyone?


2. It’s funny how you don’t have to tell barristas that you want whipped cream on your Extreme Buzz ice-blended. The male ones, at least. The male ones who make it a point to be at the cashier when you order said drink. :D


3. It’s also funny how failure to plan occurs across the board. Thing I hate about this is that sometimes failure to plan doesn’t just affect you. Other people may be involved, and frankly, that just isn’t right.


4. I wonder why some women can’t grow old gracefully. Wearing a triple-layer cake of make up on your face, bright yellow t-shirts and tight jeans aren’t going to change the fact that you’re not 20 anymore. But more power to them for not conforming to the typical “let’s get our hair permed every week” norm of that generation, I guess.

That's it. I'm sure I had more, but I can't remember them now. Sigh. Should make it a point to write all this stuff down as they come.

Will write more soon.. when I can figure out how to write my secrets in Spanish! ;)

Sick Cycle Carousel

When will this end, it goes on and on
Over, and over, and over again.
Keep spinning around I know it won't stop,
Till I step down from this..

Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle carousel, yeah

I think this song sums up the way my life tends to go...

I think that maybe we all mature at different paces in different aspects of our lives. Maybe I'm not ready to handle certain parts of mine...

Whatever the case, I sense a humongous bit of deja vu coming along soon and I don't know how to prevent it.

Or maybe I do. Growing up would possibly be the option to choose.

Much much easier said than done, though!

Musings...

When I was younger, I dreamed about forever. Now, my dreams are coloured by the knowledge that life never really does turn out like we want it to.

As much as I want to dream, I can't help thinking ten steps ahead. Relationships can't be based on feelings alone. I'm no longer naive enough to believe that "love will find a way"...

You can't imagine the conflict that causes me. Being idealistic at heart, having to be realistic doesn't sit very well with me. And I don't know what to do with that realism... So much so I end up handling everything all wrong.

How do I communicate my worries without seeming defeatist? And how do I reconcile my feelings with the way I see things to be?

Sometimes cynicism is safer. You hurt less if you don't expect too much. And God help me, I'm expecting far more than I know to good for me and at the same time can't see how it'll all pan out!

Confusion, much? Sigh.

......

I will never be the kind of girl that evokes passion.
Respect, maybe.
Admiration, probably.
But never passion.
And I might as well resign myself to that now.